Relationship issue [I can’t see myself marrying her the way things currently are]

[BTDT2012]

My ex and I had been NC for a month before the trip and we've been NC for 3 weeks since we all returned from the trip. I feel terrible for the message I may be sending out by NC and trying to move on. Since she was trying to act like we were back to being a couple on the trip, pretending like nothing ever happened and I wasnt, it kind of looks like I never really cared about her.

 

No, you did the right thing by being true and not giving false hope. It's not you fault that she chose to be inauthentic.

[MJJean]

No, you did the right thing by being true and not giving false hope. It's not you fault that she chose to be inauthentic.

 

Yup. She was aware you were no longer a couple and acting like the break up never happened is all on her. You absolutely did the right thing by acting in accordance with the reality that you are no longer a couple.

[djoner]

Well, thats true, but as I mentioned before, Me and her are 3 weeks strong NC and I'm while I'm doing good, I still struggle with the fact that I feel responsible for us not remaiming friends. Since my ex seemed so willing for a reconciliation, it seemed like I was the one who shut her down, and back to NC again like I never cared for her.

 

We're 4 months into the breakup. On the trip, she said when she broke up with me, she just wanted me to act like I cared. I told her that I had always done that in the past and she had just got too used to that.

 

I was talking to a friend (woman) last night who says she's friends to all her exes. She said, "why not? How hurt are you that someone can just erase some one out of their life? " Needless to say, that struck a chord with me for obvious reasons. Now when I think back at it, there was no infidelity, physical abuse. I really am not even angry with her as to why I should be NC so strong.

Edited August 4, 2017 by djoner

[BaileyB]

My goodness, your relationship was so unhealthy and your ex has been so disrespectful to you. I would suggest that you stay no contact and focus on moving forward with your life.

[djoner]

My goodness, your relationship was so unhealthy and your ex has been so disrespectful to you. I would suggest that you stay no contact and focus on moving forward with your life.

 

Funny thing. About 2 months ago, my therapist had suggested I try online dating. Never had tried it before so she referred me to a website called plenty of fish. Most of the women I was interested wouldn't even respond, and I used something out of their profile to start a respectful conversation.

 

Right before the trip, I ran across one of my ex's good friends on plenty of fish. I wasnt sure of it was her since I don't really know her that well, but we know eachothers faces. Of course it was her friend.Then i saw she viewed my profile after I had viewed hers trying to see if it was really her. I panicked then removed all of my pictures. I figured she had told my ex. But I don't think she had yet told her by the time I saw her on the trip because my ex mentioned her friend had been calling, but she hadn't talked to her. I'm sure she knows now.

 

Needless to say, I was highly embarrassed. I really didn't want my ex to know what I had been up to or that I was on an online dating site at the time, but that was before the trip, at least a month ago.

[greystone08]

This woman may have been good on some levels, but being a good wife was not one of them.

 

And what are you so embarrassed about? So her friend saw you on a dating site? Big whoop! Worse she can do is tell your ex and your ex can do what to you? Bad mouth you for cheating?? But guess what, it's not cheating when you guys are broken up!!!

 

So all she can do now is just hate your guts to where she realizes now there's not a chance in hell you two will ever get back together, in which I know you don't care about that. Do you?

[djoner]

Actually, I met up with 3 different women from that site. One, I really clicked with is an attorney and she's 1 year older than me. She's been married but no kids.Her conversation and personality was on point and she was having so much fun with me, she stayed and we went to another night spot afterwards. I hate to say it, I really liked her and she seemed to feel the same.

 

I still struggle with thinking about my ex and this NC i maintained. It's only been 4 months since our b/u. The NC thing has kind of had me feeling like a jerk. Especially knowing everything my ex had been through with her losing her Dad last year. Sometimes I feel like I should still at least check in with her.

 

Although i know NC is necessary, it just makes it seem like I don't care.

 

One of friends told me that I'm not put here to solve everybody else's problems. But she's a little cold herself.

[Whodatdog]

Glad you had a good date. Hopefully theres many more in front of you.

 

NC is not about not caring. Its about protecting yourself.

 

You cared for her for years. It doesnt mean you have to for the rest of your life. You did the best you could do, it didnt work out. It happens.

 

If you didnt care, you wouldnt still be having these feelings for her. Which hopefully you are slowly moving on from. It is not about caring or not. Its about healing yourself.

 

This so called wasting time is a 2 way street. She also wasted your time. She didnt work on the relationship at all, it was all about her wanting to get married, and acting like a spoiled child. You gave her a long time to grow up and start acting like wife material, and if never happened. So next time someone says you wasted her time, reply back she also wasted yours. Because you were in this for a long term relationship.

Edited August 9, 2017 by Whodatdog

[djoner]

Thanks WhoDatDog

 

I went on another date with the attorney last night. We have been communicating everyday for the last 2 weeks, many times, she being the one who initiates it. I really like her so far. She's whitty, funny, beautiful, cooks, and of course owns her own. Honestly, from what I know about her, she displays characteristics of someone I could see myself being married to (not saying that I want to marry her right now)

 

But i got this nagging feeling like I might be falling for her a little too quickly. Although I don't want to go back to my ex, I still can't say the scab has completely fallen off from this last relationship. Furthermore, I'm not sure if I've finished polishing up on my self-esteem (which always takes a hit during a breakup). Only because I seem to only get it together when I have someone in my life.

 

I've been down this road before where I meet a girl, we hit it off, then boom... she changes and disappears for no reason or any warning at all. I don't want to expect doom and gloom all my life, but i want to at least be prepared for the worst if that's what happens.

Edited August 13, 2017 by djoner

[BettyDraper]

Thanks WhoDatDog

 

I went on another date with the attorney last night. We have been communicating everyday for the last 2 weeks, many times, she being the one who initiates it. I really like her so far. She's whitty, funny, beautiful, cooks, and of course owns her own. Honestly, from what I know about her, she displays characteristics of someone I could see myself being married to (not saying that I want to marry her right now)

 

But i got this nagging feeling like I might be falling for her a little too quickly. Although I don't want to go back to my ex, I still can't say the scab has completely fallen off from this last relationship. Furthermore, I'm not sure if I've finished polishing up on my self-esteem (which always takes a hit during a breakup). Only because I seem to only get it together when I have someone in my life.

 

I've been down this road before where I meet a girl, we hit it off, then boom... she changes and disappears for no reason or any warning at all. I don't want to expect doom and gloom all my life, but i want to at least be prepared for the worst if that's what happens.

 

Talk to your therapist about codependency and raising your self esteem.

You've only been seeing the attorney for a little while so take it slow.

[djoner]

Talk to your therapist about codependency and raising your self esteem.

You've only been seeing the attorney for a little while so take it slow.

 

I haven't seen my therapist since the end of june. I couldnt get a hold of her at the beginning of July. When I returned from my trip, she finally called me and told me she had left town, leaving her marriage, etc. I guess she was going through a situation of her own. My mother thinks my situation may have helped her with hers.

 

So blindsided, I've been without therapy for a little over a month and I need to find and get re-adjusted to someone else who knows nothing about my situation or the initial pain I experienced.

 

And as far as me taking things slow, Im definitely pulling back on my end as far as the text messages to the attorney. I realize that I can't allow myself to get caught off guard and develop feelings during a breakup period that's not even 6 months old. Everybody is telling me to move on and let go, but I don't want to find myself in another slump.

[BettyDraper]

I haven't seen my therapist since the end of june. I couldnt get a hold of her at the beginning of July. When I returned from my trip, she finally called me and told me she had left town, leaving her marriage, etc. I guess she was going through a situation of her own. My mother thinks my situation may have helped her with hers.

 

So blindsided, I've been without therapy for a little over a month and I need to find and get re-adjusted to someone else who knows nothing about my situation or the initial pain I experienced.

 

And as far as me taking things slow, Im definitely pulling back on my end as far as the text messages to the attorney. I realize that I can't allow myself to get caught off guard and develop feelings during a breakup period that's not even 6 months old. Everybody is telling me to move on and let go, but I don't want to find myself in another slump.

 

Sorry to hear about your therapist, dear. That's so unfortunate.

 

I honestly believe that it is far too early for you to be dating. You still have so much healing to do as well as work in yourself.

 

At the same time, you have already met someone who seems promising and passing her up might not be the best choice either. Just take it slow while still showing her a bit more interest. If you like this woman, letting her take initiative with contact doesn't set a good precedent. Most women like decisive men who go after what or whom they want.

[Whodatdog]

I think you are fine to start dating. I do think its way too early to be thinking of any long term permanent relationship. If this relationship does nothing more than give you someone to enjoy spending time with, and allow you to understand that someone else can find you attractive, then its all good. Hopefully this new girl understands you are coming off of a long term relationship, and you want to take baby steps with her.

[djoner]

Yeah that's why some of the daily text msg I get from her, I might have to not respond to or respond super late. I am in no way trying to let myself get in a deep committed relationship with someone I just met 2 weeks ago. I might like what I see at the surface, but I know nothing about her.

 

Thanks Whodatdog, good point. Even if she or someone else is just someone to share some laughs with and help me towards moving on, its worth that in itself.

[BettyDraper]

Yeah that's why some of the daily text msg I get from her, I might have to not respond to or respond super late. I am in no way trying to let myself get in a deep committed relationship with someone I just met 2 weeks ago. I might like what I see at the surface, but I know nothing about her.

 

Thanks Whodatdog, good point. Even if she or someone else is just someone to share some laughs with and help me towards moving on, its worth that in itself.

 

Responding late to a text or failing to respond is rude.

 

If that woman is bright and driven enough to become an attorney, I doubt that she's going to put up with slow or absent responses for too long. A woman who has many men chasing after her doesn't need to keep reaching out to men who do not show much interest.

 

When I was single, I got rid of men who did not seem to make any effort to reach out and get to know me. If I wanted a relationship, I also stopped seeing men who were honest about not wanting anything serious or not wanting marriage in the future. Both situations seemed like a waste of my time.

[hestheone66]

I haven't seen my therapist since the end of june. I couldnt get a hold of her at the beginning of July. When I returned from my trip, she finally called me and told me she had left town, leaving her marriage, etc. I guess she was going through a situation of her own. My mother thinks my situation may have helped her with hers.

 

So blindsided, I've been without therapy for a little over a month and I need to find and get re-adjusted to someone else who knows nothing about my situation or the initial pain I experienced.

 

And as far as me taking things slow, Im definitely pulling back on my end as far as the text messages to the attorney.

 

You have enough self awareness where this may work out but NEVER talk about your ex to this woman, not even in passing..you are learning about each other.. good luck even if nothing big happens it's a good learning experience.

[healing light]

Just got caught up with this thread.

 

Your ex is a nightmare. Her pursuit after the breakup was borderline stalkerish. Major red flag. She didn't seem to give a damn about anything you felt, so don't feel badly for doing was what necessary. Thank god you developed some boundaries with her.

 

I have known a couple of guy friends with high maintenance women that tried to act like the break up didn't happen. They basically had all the control and railroaded these men for years until they finally grew some balls. Aged terribly from being with such energy vampires. Consider yourself having dodged a bullet.

 

I would be honest with the attorney and let her know that you enjoy taking things slowly in the beginning, and prefer a phone call to plan your upcoming date as opposed to texting all day long. Or something along those lines where she doesn't feel blown off but understands your level of comfort. That way if you decide you want to keep seeing her you haven't established a lopsided or disrespectful dynamic.

[djoner]

Thanks healing light. Well, I haven't heard from my ex. We were NC for 30 days right before the trip and now we're straight NC since the trip, and the trip was already a month ago.

 

Hestheone66, I sure hope I didn't mess up by that already. On our first date, we each expressed what went wrong in our last relationships. I mentioned things about my ex then, but she asked and I told her.

 

BettyDraper. I was only considering doing that because I know how women tend to lose interest quickly if men are always too available. Im always reaching out to her as well and I'm thinking that I need to leave something to be desired. Maybe it is playing a small game in a way, but I know keeping interest levels high involves some strategy.

 

Although we had a good second date the other night, I'm still wondering if it went as good as the first. But maybe that's all in my mind.

[Whodatdog]

Dont overthink things right now. And dont overthink the texting. Texting is causing the ruination of relationships. A lot of people dont have their phones stuck up their butts all day long. When I get home from work, I put my phone on the charger and dont look at it until the end of the day. If someone texts me, I wont text them back immediately, because I dont have my phone. So dont over think the texting part.

 

And dont play games with texting. Its stupid. If she texts you a question, answer it. If you're busy, then dont. Ive never seen a law where you are required to answer a text immediately.

 

Relationships based on texting are doomed. Its a form of communication, but its used as a power play...maybe I wont answer...why didnt he answer?...stupid.

[djoner]

Thanks Whodatdog.

 

And that's exactly what I was trying not to do, but have slowly found myself doing it anyway, overthinking.

 

I am going to focus more on continuing to reading my self help books and trying to revisit some of my Hobbies and interests. As far as her, I am going to treat it as such that if she's for me, she'll stick around regardless.

[sandylee1]

Glad to hear you are getting on with a new woman.

 

If you don't respond or take ages, she may interpret that as a lack of interest.

 

Because we all know if you are keen on a girl or a guy, you respond. Not saying it has to be an immediate response.

[djoner]

Glad to hear you are getting on with a new woman.

 

If you don't respond or take ages, she may interpret that as a lack of interest.

 

Because we all know if you are keen on a girl or a guy, you respond. Not saying it has to be an immediate response.

 

 

What's wierd is yesterday, It just came as a rush and I briefly was missing my ex again, realizing that we are NC since the trip 30 days ago, and seeing how she was making an effort in reconciliation about 1.5 months into our break up and during the trip itself.

 

I began to feel like the sadness started all over again and blaming myself by my feeling I eluded her during her reconciliation attempts, and now she's gone. I got a little teary eyed but had to remind myself that i know it was not a situation worth going back to.

 

Last night, my new friend called me and it was like I forgot all about how I had been feeling that day. She invited me out for drinks and appetizers. I offered to pay but she insisted on paying. Taking turns paying was one of the things my ex sold as one of her unique strong points, saying that a lot of women wouldn't even offer to pay.

 

I'm still taking things slow but she's alot of fun. I am not one to compare and knock my ex, but this girl kind of keeps me on my toes. Her level of conversation is more enticing.

 

It was just really strange having that brief setback yesterday over my ex knowing full well that she's not good for me. I just sometimes feel bad that she's now completely out of my life when our situation wasn't really THAT bad

[djoner]

Well, just an update.

 

My Dad passed away yesterday and I am still trying to process it all. I did break NC yesterday with my ex by text to inform her he had just passed since she knew him. She called me and we spoke for a bit where she stated she was really saddened to hear the news. She said she was here if I needed anything and to let her know of the funeral.

 

Right now I just don't care about anything, a relationship, work, or anything. I'm just really trying to figure out how I'm going to go on.

Edited August 17, 2017 by djoner

[BTDT2012]

I am so sorry for your loss. May your memories of happy times bring you a measure of comfort.

[djoner]

Thank you BTDT2012.

 

It's like I'm having to start the grief process all over again, just for a different circumstance. I haven't felt like doing much of anything. Its very hard to carry on when you don't have any motivation.

 

My ex has been calling me every couple of days and she said she will be at the funeral on Thursday. In a way, it's making me feel a little indebted to her. But in the end, it's all about my father and not an opportunity to get back together.