Relationship issue [I can’t see myself marrying her the way things currently are]

[djoner]

Hey LS:

 

Well somedays are better than others but it has still been a struggle. My ex has kind of backed off lately. I don't know, it kind of gets to be a struggle moving forward.

 

Last week, my ex texted me saying she really missed me and she knows I don't want to see her but she thinks of me all the time and she's giving me my space. Its been almost killing me, but I have yet to respond.

 

I find myself in intense pain. I feel lonely and sometimes find myself wondering how much better this life can be than the one I'm moving on from. I visit with my grandmother more often and try to do things to distract myself.

 

Like I said, some days are better than others, but other days, I find it difficult to get excited or look forward to anything. I force my self to exercise everyday. It seems that over the course of these last few months, I've developed a sensitive stomach and mostly ever thing I eat, has me feeling sick.

 

I'm glad I meet with my therapist tomorrow.

Edited June 12, 2017 by djoner

[SummerDreams]

We don't need to feel happy and excited every time of our lives. There are periods we just need to get inside our cave, reconsider what we thought was good or suitable for us, make new plans, think about the past and the mistakes we may have made, learn from them and receive new strength to move forward. I think people underestimate the importance of just being alone with yourself for a while and contemplate the past and making plans for the future. When there is a break up, a divorce, a death, everyone is insisting that you get up and go places, meet people, forget what happened. Everyone needs a new strategy to move forward. Keep yourself busy and get ready for the next chapter of your life. You don't need to feel excited all the time. For the time being you can just BE and that's enough. Life will lead you where your next "episode" is. Take care!

[djoner]

Thanks SummerDreams:

 

Im just remembering how it seemed how once she started to pout, it seemed like she just wanted to stay mad and I found myself always having to lick her wounds.

 

Now I'm struggling with not knowing what is good or suitable for me anymore. The women I thought were good for me end up turning out not to be. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't so discerning, things may have worked out with my exes. Now it seems that all I really have to show are 2 exes, one I was engaged to, and this most recent one, did not get engaged to. No family and I'm wondering if by myself is where I'm destined to be.

 

Sorry for the pitty party. Just venting.

[SummerDreams]

No you are not destined to be alone unless this is what you want. If you let yourself out there and know what you are looking for you will eventually find it. If you think you need to make some minor character or personality changes for your next relationship, this is something you choose to do or not do. Stop blaming yourself, what is done is done and is the step for your next chapter in life.

[Whodatdog]

You're definitely having a pity party. We'll give you one day of that.

 

Then, start working on yourself. Stop being so worried about being alone the rest of your life. Work on being somebody that someone would enjoy being with. You know, you have to kiss a lot of toads before you find that princess. Some find them after 10 toads, some take 100. So if you just moan and groan and give up, how do you know that the very next girl you meet might be the one?

 

Attitude. Be greatful for every single day you are able to wake up and go outside, because theres millions of people who would love to be in your shoes. Smile on your face, do something that you really enjoy. Life is good. You only get one, so make it count.

[djoner]

Well thanks for the freebee. Lol.

 

Alot of good points both of you have made.

 

 

I've really been doing my best to stay off Loveshack but I just couldn't resist from this waive of grief that just all of a sudden just rushed at me.

 

I keep going over in my head that my ex really was trying her best to rekindle and try again, but I more or less kept rejecting her attempts. All this NC stuff and ignoring people I still care for is so against the grain for me. It almost feels like im being cold. Not used to it.

 

These post were all Just some morning sadness I've been going through. Didn't mean to come off with the "poor me attitude!"

Edited June 13, 2017 by djoner

[djoner]

Well this NC has been killing me inside. My ex has not contacted me in a while and I'm feeling by this NC, it may have pushed her away forever.

 

I kind of feel like a prick for doing it since all last month, she was really trying hard to meet and I kept shutting her out and going cold on her.

 

This morning, I woke up feeling a little bad, thinking that maybe she broke up with me because I made her feel like I didn't need her when we were together. She always said that I acted like I didn't need her. Like how I got my 1st house without her after she offered to put some $$$ down to get a house together from $$$ she got from her Dad's death. I had started the house hunting process 2 years ago and wasn't ready to change up.

 

The truth is, I was feeling she had never been out on her own and didn't know enough for me to want to make a purchase with her like that. I wanted us to live together, but not being financially tied like that. I felt her needs and wants were a little excessive and thought they would eventually interfere in a marriage setting. And the way she solved problems didn't make me think she and I would make it in a marriage. Plus, I didn't really see her do much to contribute around her house except play with her dog.

 

But now I'm feeling a little crummy and like I may have been a little bit of a jerk. Her break up text indicated that she was hurt. But I wasn't ready to go full throttle with someone who had never had that experience. I thought at the time that would've been a divorce waiting to happen.

Edited June 15, 2017 by djoner

[SummerDreams]

Read your thread from the beginning. You had very good and valid reasons to not be with this woman anymore, and most importantly not buy a house with her or marry her. Your guilt that comes from inside you and from reasons way different than her is trapping you and is not letting you see the clear picture. Are you continuing therapy? I'm sure you will eventually discuss about this massive guilt you have and where it's coming from. I understand you feel the need to blame yourself but I remind you you had valid reason to not be with this woman. Her making some efforts to see you or talk to you does not change those facts that she is spoiled, immature, not ready to be in a serious relationship. You have to let go of the guilt and move on every way you see fit. YOU DID THE CORRECT THING STAYING NC WITH HER.

[djoner]

Read your thread from the beginning. You had very good and valid reasons to not be with this woman anymore, and most importantly not buy a house with her or marry her. Your guilt that comes from inside you and from reasons way different than her is trapping you and is not letting you see the clear picture. Are you continuing therapy? I'm sure you will eventually discuss about this massive guilt you have and where it's coming from. I understand you feel the need to blame yourself but I remind you you had valid reason to not be with this woman. Her making some efforts to see you or talk to you does not change those facts that she is spoiled, immature, not ready to be in a serious relationship. You have to let go of the guilt and move on every way you see fit. YOU DID THE CORRECT THING STAYING NC WITH HER.

 

Thanks SD.

 

This break up has taught me more and more about myself and the guilt thing is something I need to work on before even thinkin about getting into another relationship.

 

I think women know that because I initially put up with the crap, calling myself trying to not run at the first sign of trouble. When I get fed up and finally do stand up, they use guilt and manipulation because it's worked for them before.

[djoner]

Goodmorning LS.

 

I've been still trying to push forward. My ex and I have been no contact for over 2 weeks now. I haven't seen her since we broke up on April 1st.

 

Every morning I wake up, she's still the first thing on my mind and how she was trying to reach out to meet up in May, but I kept declining. Now she has stopped calling. I have to admit that at times, I feel responsible for pushing her completely out of my life, especially since I made it seem like I wasn't interested in reconsiliation.

 

Our last conversation, she started crying saying how I didn't care about her and just wanted to be single, and how I never call her, etc. I Haven't heard from her since, but it still made me feel a little bad.

 

I've been exercising and hitting the gym lately. I tried this online dating website (plenty of fish.com), never tried online dating websites before. Although I'm not looking to get in a new relationship, I do it to keep my mind occupied at times I'm feeling down. Online dating is harder than I thought. I send some of these women DMs and half won't respond and I know they get the messages. Sometimes that in itself can send me on a setback missing my ex. It makes it seem more daunting that it's been 3 months since our breakup.

[hestheone66]

As it's only been two weeks proper NC I think it's normal to miss your ex...you are doing the right things..you need time to process the loss of a significant relationship...

 

Don't let foolish thoughts of maybe not meeting someone get you down. Be so careful of your own feelings that you will literally prefer your own company..I used to run away from myself and my feelings and hook up to fill that empty void. Now I yearn for my solitude...and love taking long walks etc or driving...I don't need or want company...

 

This change in heart came via deep introspection as to what I wanted from my life, understanding the type of people or energy I allow in...my life is great and balanced now...i allowed a beautiful man into my life, but maintained boundaries so I wouldn't lose myself..

Stay the course... The personal growth is worth the short term pain .

[djoner]

As it's only been two weeks proper NC I think it's normal to miss your ex...you are doing the right things..you need time to process the loss of a significant relationship...

 

Don't let foolish thoughts of maybe not meeting someone get you down. Be so careful of your own feelings that you will literally prefer your own company..I used to run away from myself and my feelings and hook up to fill that empty void. Now I yearn for my solitude...and love taking long walks etc or driving...I don't need or want company...

 

This change in heart came via deep introspection as to what I wanted from my life, understanding the type of people or energy I allow in...my life is great and balanced now...i allowed a beautiful man into my life, but maintained boundaries so I wouldn't lose myself..

Stay the course... The personal growth is worth the short term pain .

 

Thanks hestheone66.

 

Negative thoughts tend to creep in because I'm depressed. I'm not good as some people at ignoring it and pretending like it doesn't exist.

 

I'm thinking that I just got my 1st house, I should be happy. This should be a time to celebrate. Instead, I've been walowing and In pain. But your words made sense with the personal growth bring worth the short term pain.

[djoner]

Hey LS. Been a while and wanted to give an update. A little long, but will try to narrow it as much as I can.

 

Some may not remember but before me and my ex had broken up, we were going on a group trip to MX with my cousins and one of them is a travel agent. My ex had already paid her $$$ but I was planning on not going.

 

Long story short, I ended up going because I found out that by my backing out, my cousin was still going to be responsible for $400 of my portion, so I didn't want any bad blood between us. Since I had already put down $200, I didn't want to give him anymore $$$ for a trip that I wasn't going on.

 

So, I went. I didnt tell my ex I was going because we were still NC. My ex missed her flight so she didn't show until the next day. As awkward as it was, after 3 months of not seeing her, we spoke and to make matters even wierder, we shared the same room. It was too late to change. I told her that I wanted to just get through the trip and any matters that we needed to discuss, it will have to wait until we got back to Texas.

 

My ex was acting like we hadn't missed a beat and was staying by me and holding on. It was feeling like we were back in a relationship. I wasnt rude to her, but I wasn't reciprocating. I was very cordial to her the entire trip.

 

She tried to bring up the relationship a few times and tried to make me feel guilty trying to play it off like she was just joking. Each time, I told her that we will talk about that when we return.

 

She said one day, " I love trips. Should try to do this once a year." I told her, "It's nice but I don't feel the need to go on fancy trips EVERY year. She began to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she just said, "Oh nothing". I asked her again and she just said, " Well, I thought you were a certain way and come to find out you're not who I thought you were."

 

We eventually did talk about the relationship after numerous times of her bringing it up. I asked her, "What did you expect? You sent me that text breaking up with me after a disagreement over the phone. I tried to call you back twice, sent you a text message, and you didn't answer or respond. I didnt hear from you for 2 weeks and that was for my birthday. Then you contact me to meet up after putting me through 2 weeks of hell and try to act like nothing happened. You always left in the middle of a disagreement and stop talking to me for days at a time. I got tired of walking on eggshells.That wasn't a sign of a healthy relationship."

 

She said, " I just wish I hadn't wasted my time these last 4 years. I just wanted you to act like you cared."

 

I told her, "I was in the relationship too. So if you wasted your time, I wasted mine too. I kept waiting on you to show me you could resolve conflict. Instead, almost every time we got in an argument, you would leave the house and you got used to me always running after you to console you and talk it out. I told you that I couldn't keep doing that everytime and it was causing me not to trust the relationship. And we only saw each other on weekends. I couldn't imagine if we saw eachother daily.

 

She was being so sweet and nice the entire trip. It was hard for me to remember why we broke up in the first place, but it still did not feel like I wanted to get back with her. I felt bad and hurt again because I believe she had been banking on this trip as hope we'd get back together. I honestly don't feel things would change if we did. She would change long enough for me to be lured back in. I still love her but feel bad because it looked like she was trying and I was looking like the $$$!hole who didn't want her.

 

Whodatdog, I know you advised me some months back not to go, just as my mother and therapist did, as well as me going against my gut, but as I explained earlier, I did not want to my cousin to be responsible for me and my ex's drama.

Edited July 29, 2017 by djoner

[djoner]

Anybody gone thru something similar?

 

Feeling like you're the ********* who didn't want the person back when they're trying to get back together?

[BettyDraper]

Hey LS. Been a while and wanted to give an update. A little long, but will try to narrow it as much as I can.

 

Some may not remember but before me and my ex had broken up, we were going on a group trip to MX with my cousins and one of them is a travel agent. My ex had already paid her $$$ but I was planning on not going.

 

Long story short, I ended up going because I found out that by my backing out, my cousin was still going to be responsible for $400 of my portion, so I didn't want any bad blood between us. Since I had already put down $200, I didn't want to give him anymore $$$ for a trip that I wasn't going on.

 

So, I went. I didnt tell my ex I was going because we were still NC. My ex missed her flight so she didn't show until the next day. As awkward as it was, after 3 months of not seeing her, we spoke and to make matters even wierder, we shared the same room. It was too late to change. I told her that I wanted to just get through the trip and any matters that we needed to discuss, it will have to wait until we got back to Texas.

 

My ex was acting like we hadn't missed a beat and was staying by me and holding on. It was feeling like we were back in a relationship. I wasnt rude to her, but I wasn't reciprocating. I was very cordial to her the entire trip.

 

She tried to bring up the relationship a few times and tried to make me feel guilty trying to play it off like she was just joking. Each time, I told her that we will talk about that when we return.

 

She said one day, " I love trips. Should try to do this once a year." I told her, "It's nice but I don't feel the need to go on fancy trips EVERY year. She began to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she just said, "Oh nothing". I asked her again and she just said, " Well, I thought you were a certain way and come to find out you're not who I thought you were."

 

We eventually did talk about the relationship after numerous times of her bringing it up. I asked her, "What did you expect? You sent me that text breaking up with me after a disagreement over the phone. I tried to call you back twice, sent you a text message, and you didn't answer or respond. I didnt hear from you for 2 weeks and that was for my birthday. Then you contact me to meet up after putting me through 2 weeks of hell and try to act like nothing happened. You always left in the middle of a disagreement and stop talking to me for days at a time. I got tired of walking on eggshells.That wasn't a sign of a healthy relationship."

 

She said, " I just wish I hadn't wasted my time these last 4 years. I just wanted you to act like you cared."

 

I told her, "I was in the relationship too. So if you wasted your time, I wasted mine too. I kept waiting on you to show me you could resolve conflict. Instead, almost every time we got in an argument, you would leave the house and you got used to me always running after you to console you and talk it out. I told you that I couldn't keep doing that everytime and it was causing me not to trust the relationship. And we only saw each other on weekends. I couldn't imagine if we saw eachother daily.

 

She was being so sweet and nice the entire trip. It was hard for me to remember why we broke up in the first place, but it still did not feel like I wanted to get back with her. I felt bad and hurt again because I believe she had been banking on this trip as hope we'd get back together. I honestly don't feel things would change if we did. She would change long enough for me to be lured back in. I still love her but feel bad because it looked like she was trying and I was looking like the $$$!hole who didn't want her.

 

Whodatdog, I know you advised me some months back not to go, just as my mother and therapist did, as well as me going against my gut, but as I explained earlier, I did not want to my cousin to be responsible for me and my ex's drama.

 

You could have simply given your cousin the money for your portion of the trip if you were truly committed to being no contact with your ex. Instead, you went on the trip when you knew that she would be there because of your unfinished business with her. I don't understand why you are seeing a therapist when you're not even going to listen to him or her. That's a waste of time and emotional energy.

 

Going on the trip set you back in terms of healing. You have been advised by several people to go NC yet you continue to speak with your ex.

 

Loving a woman doesn't mean that you should be with her. Listen to your loved ones as well as your therapist. If you choose not to, then you might as well reconcile with your ex because it's clear that you just aren't ready to leave her yet.

[anna121]

Unless you are broke, $400 isn't that much money - especially in this kind of circumstance. $4000 - maybe.

 

So I think it's pretty clear that you used the trip as a weak excuse to see her. And sharing a room? Give me a break.

 

At least be honest with yourself.

 

You won't heal from this until YOU make that a priority.

[djoner]

Unless you are broke, $400 isn't that much money - especially in this kind of circumstance. $4000 - maybe.

 

So I think it's pretty clear that you used the trip as a weak excuse to see her. And sharing a room? Give me a break.

 

At least be honest with yourself.

 

You won't heal from this until YOU make that a priority.

 

Well, the trip was 2 weeks ago. I had plenty of opportunities to see her before hand, so I really didn't need the trip to do that. I have not spoken with her since our return on july 15 because I let her know that we weren't getting back together. I think she started to sense that toward the end as well.

 

And BettyDraper, I guess it was the principle. Actually it was $500 come to think of it. Combined with the $200 I had already paid would have been $700 lost total.

 

My cousin is already planning the next group trip and my ex said on the trip that she is planning on going. But I'm out of that whole fiasco.

 

Me going on the trip was not trying to see my ex, I simply didn't want to miss out on the account of her. I admit, I was set back a little because it felt like closure and the finality of it all. But its not like I saw her and she was just looking soooo good that I wanred her back.

[sandylee1]

This is my first post on your thread. My thoughts are similar to what others have said.

 

She's not mature enough for marriage.

 

I left home at 19 and was responsible for my rent, bills, meals... And I was well capable of cooking.

 

Anyone who wants to get married, needs to show that they are worthy of marrying. That's just basic common sense.

 

I can only conclude that she lacks the ability to self reflect and has absolutely no self awareness.

 

You've allowed yourself to be part of the ongoing back and forth for too long now though.

 

You need to get her blocked and move on. She knows where to contact you if she really needs to get in touch with you.

 

There's a man out there for her and there's a woman out there for you..... But you need to accept that you aren't right for each other.

 

You're 36,not an old man like she said. With future relationships.... Check that the person has the qualities and characteristics that are important to you in a long term partner or wife.

[djoner]

Thank you sandylee1. Excellent post.

 

I think I've concluded that she wanted to marry me because I demonstrated having the ability to take care of her. She did kind things for me, but it was no more of what was expected from a regular girlfriend who I'm dating. Along with her poor conflict resolution skills, did not show our relationship was strong enough for marriage.

 

I never saw any real ambition or "get up and go" that demonstrated she would really be to my benefit to marry. Yet she became increasingly more and more demanding for a ring as time went on.

 

While on the mexico trip 3 weeks ago, she stated she would like to go on those types of resort trips every year. I told her that I didn't have to do it every year. She began to cry and stated, well, I guess that just proves we're not compatible.

 

I like trips, but I now have mortgage and other bills. Nothing wrong with trips though, but shouldn't be so heartbreaking if one says they can't do it every year.

[sandylee1]

Thank you sandylee1. Excellent post.

 

I think I've concluded that she wanted to marry me because I demonstrated having the ability to take care of her.

 

.

 

Your most welcome.

 

It's all well and good wanting a man who can take care of you.... But (as a woman) you also need to be able to bring something to the table besides your body.

 

Otherwise the average hard working guy is going to see you as a drain on his resources.... And a liability for rather than an asset.

 

Unless you're angling to be a WAG OR (wives and girlfriend of a footballer), or you want a guy with more money than sense.

 

For the lifestyle she wants, she needs one of those types.

[LivingWaterPlease]

djoner, so proud of you that you haven't gone back with her!

[djoner]

djoner, so proud of you that you haven't gone back with her!

 

Thank you LivingWaterPlease.

 

I just don't feel like going backwards and that's exactly what I would be doing.

 

On the trip, my cousins were trying to play matchmaker and push us back together. I had been NC with her for 30 days before that and hadn't seen her since the day we broke up. March 31st. They even rehashed some of the guilty feelings I was already dealing with. One of my cousin's wife said, "You're treating her like she was a 3 month chick and not a 5 year girlfriend." My cousin (trip planner) said, "She Still Loves you! Yall should try to work it out"

 

Mind you, these are cousins I see every once on a while. It did take a lot to withstand all that. When I told my cousin, "whats wrong with me trying to move on?" He said, "you wasted her time though". It didnt matter what I said, it would always sound like they were looking from her side. It didn't help she was being all nice and sweet too.

 

That's Why I Don't Like A Lot Of People In My Business Because They love To Form Opinions when they don't even know the whole story. They don't remember all the things I'd go through to try to resolve conflicts and always being the one to "stop" past break up threats and talk through our issues. Not saying I was a saint, but I feel like I was the main communicator in the relationship.

[MJJean]

To be fair, you did waste her time. However, she also wasted her time. She could have ended the relationship at any time, too.

 

Honestly, I think she tried so hard to get a ring from you because she knows she doesn't bring much to the table and isn't likely to find a sucker to marry her. If you want to catch a good fish you need good bait, know what I mean?

[BTDT2012]

You didn't waste her time. No one stopped her from walking away. You didn't cheat on her or mistreat her.

[djoner]

You didn't waste her time. No one stopped her from walking away. You didn't cheat on her or mistreat her.

 

Thank you BTDT2012.

 

Because that is something I always struggle with wondering about wasting her time. It makes it hard for me to move forward at times, wondering if I deserve to find love in the future. I always let her know she had the option to go if she wasnt happy, so I didn't hold her hostage.

 

But I do wonder, to people that say someone wasted someone else's time, what about those people that actually marry and then get divorced within 1 to 2 years. The husband either got caught with a side chick or husbands that abruptly leave their spouse for someone else, or just a failed marriage In general for whatever reason. Is it still a waste of time?

 

I was a good man to her and treated her with respecially and care for the most part. I didnt dog her or disrespect her in any way. That'd why I agree with the latter part of MJ Jeans post.

 

My ex and I had been NC for a month before the trip and we've been NC for 3 weeks since we all returned from the trip. I feel terrible for the message I may be sending out by NC and trying to move on. Since she was trying to act like we were back to being a couple on the trip, pretending like nothing ever happened and I wasnt, it kind of looks like I never really cared about her.