Relationship issue [I can’t see myself marrying her the way things currently are]

[AngryGromit]

I feel she lives in somewhat of a fantasy world.

 

She likes to shop on Instagram and will spend $400 on a pair of shoes and bought a $1300 Louis Votton Purse.

 

She doesn’t cook or clean, and every time I go to her house, her room is filthy.

 

So if you Marry her, you'll have a Wife that doesn't cook or clean and loves to spend money. You'll have a filthy house with molding takeout containers all over the house and empty boxes of the crap she ordered online. Not to mention high credit card debt.

 

If this was me, I'd dump her and move on. She's spoiled, you better off without her no matter how good you get along together and the sex is.

 

One day, she stormed out of the house after a disagreement (NOT even an argument) and didn't talk to me for about 5 days, deleted herself off fb, along with our relationship status. I didn't call her either because I felt she was the one in the wrong, AND I feel like I'm always being the one to resolve arguments. Not that time.

 

Then I'm awakened by her in my apartment in the middle of the night that Friday night/early Saturday morning. Needless to say, we resolved it

 

She was testing you, to see how far she could push things. If you came crawling back to her, begging for her to take you back, she own you. When you didn't come back, she saw exactly how far she could push things. Obviously to her your a keeper, if he see's me as the self centered slop I am and doesn't run, he's for me.

Edited March 15, 2017 by AngryGromit

[MJJean]

Call me a romantic but when we got engaged I enjoyed the idea that the ring that DH used to propose was the one which would grace my finger forever. (We were also over 40 so budget wasn't as much of an issue). Some of my friends from college got upgraded diamonds as finances improved.

 

 

Wanting a ring just to show off is a problem because it's not about the materialism but I wanted a nice ring. Then again my idea of nice isn't that extreme.

 

 

But the OP & his GF have to talk. He's making assumptions that if she doesn't get all this stuff that she won't marry him. While he's probably right since he knows her, what if he's wrong & those are only wishes not deal breakers?

 

 

I mean I'd love a Maserati but I don't know how to drive a stick & I don't have $150k lying around to waste on a car. Doesn't mean I can't lust when I see one or every so often cajole this guy I know to take me for a ride in his.

 

Most people I know, peers as well as my parent and grandparents generation, that were married did it in their early 20's. By the time a lot of them were in their 40's most had a different set of rings either due to loss, theft, hating the tone of gold, hating the setting, thinking the setting dated them, upgrading to a bigger setting, or because of extreme weight gain or loss.

 

I kid you not, my grandma had 3 sets to match her outfit and other jewelry accessories.

 

I think the most romantic ring upgrade I ever saw was my former neighbors 25th anniversary vow renewal that included new rings.

 

As the OP describes this woman, I don't think he is concerned she wouldn't marry him. I think he is concerned she wants to marry him and that she will be miserable and he'll be in debt because she has champagne tastes and they'd have a beer budget.

[djoner]

I want to thank everyone for their helpful insight.

 

I admit there's been some circumstances that's made it hard for either of us to walk away. My Dad getting sick and paralyzed, Her Dad dying last year, we've needed eachother's support. So I don't feel like it's always so black and white where we can always say, we're wasting eachother time by staying together 4 years, especially when we have that breathing space that still makes it bearable.

 

It's not like I haven't given her a choice. I've told her many of times that if she's unhappy that I'm not ready to get married, I love her enough to let her go find what it is she's looking for. Especially in the middle of an argument where she has a pattern of threatening or giving ultimatums in a serious talk or an argument. Its gotten old to me and alot of times I call her bluff, but she usually goes back on her decision.

 

I guess the main thing I might be bothered by from some of the responses here is, people are making it seem like I'm holding her hostage and like she doesnt have a choice in the matter. I'm not misleading her. I've told her many times what I expect and it resorts to her pouts. She will start silly arguments, threaten to break up, then the next day she acts like everythings fine and she will be back talking about marriage like nothing ever happened.

[VeveCakes]

Obviously, why would she change when you dont follow through Witt your threats? She continues being a lazy mooching cow and you continue to date her.

 

She won't get the wake up call until you actually follow through and even then she may never change. She isn't young... she is most likely going to be a do nothing B for the rest of her days. You need to decide if you want to be her sugar daddy or not.

[oldshirt]

Dating is an interview and probationary period to get to know each other and see if you are compatible and a good fit to get married and have a home and family together or not.

 

You now have gotten a chance to know her and know if she is the right fit or not.

[usa1ah]

I have a friend that married a girl like this. An Italian princess. They had two kids then they D. She would never lift a finger in house work and was very materialistic.

 

Do not marry this girl. She has to learn to stand on her own first.

[djoner]

Obviously, why would she change when you dont follow through Witt your threats? She continues being a lazy mooching cow and you continue to date her.

 

She won't get the wake up call until you actually follow through and even then she may never change. She isn't young... she is most likely going to be a do nothing B for the rest of her days. You need to decide if you want to be her sugar daddy or not.

 

Thanks VeveCakes.

 

I see what you're saying but I'm a little confused by the bolded statement. Follow through with my threats? Are you referring to the many times I tell her she's free to go anytime she gets ready? Because my statements aren't threats, hers are.

 

 

I have a friend that married a girl like this. An Italian princess. They had two kids then they D. She would never lift a finger in house work and was very materialistic.

 

Do not marry this girl. She has to learn to stand on her own first.

 

Thanks usa1ah, very helpful.

 

My girlfreind always saying things like "If i were married i'd cook for you, clean, make up the bed, etc. I often picture us with a family and get nervous that I'd be the one doing all of the work.

 

I observed over the years, She was always looking to her parents, She's always waiting on her mom to cook something, her Dad was the breadwinner, and her Mom hasn't worked since 2010 due to a layoff, but she did the household duties.

 

One thing her Dad did before he died. My gf was always trying to get him to help her buy a car. But he said, you work, you don't contribute anything, so she acctually went with her mother and they got her new car.

[salparadise]

One thing her Dad did before he died. My gf was always trying to get him to help her buy a car. But he said, you work, you don't contribute anything, so she acctually went with her mother and they got her new car.

 

She's a child. It's a shame her mother didn't allow her to grow up (or force her to), but you can't fix it now. A parent's job is to give them wings let them fly away. She has no intention of flying anywhere.

[Whoknew30]

Did you even read what we wrote?

 

Just bc someone lives with their family doesn't mean they don't pay bills...I know doctors & lawyers that live with there parents, they can very much afford to be in their own. I think it's complete ignorance to even state something like that without personally seeing someone's bills for themselves.

 

OP...man up. Tell her you don't want to marry her under these conditions. She may not realize it. I grew up in a way different financial bracket than my H, when we got married I went on a spending spree bc he never said we couldn't afford it & it was just natural for me to spend what I wanted...when he finally told me, we've sat down & talked finances. You are also at fault for not being a 100% open...you won't know until you actually are open. If she leaves than you'll know but right now you're stringing her along bc you're unsure & that's a huge relationship issue also, wether it's with her or someone else.

[Whodatdog]

Thanks VeveCakes.

 

I see what you're saying but I'm a little confused by the bolded statement. Follow through with my threats? Are you referring to the many times I tell her she's free to go anytime she gets ready? Because my statements aren't threats, hers are.

 

 

 

 

Thanks usa1ah, very helpful.

 

My girlfreind always saying things like "If i were married i'd cook for you, clean, make up the bed, etc. I often picture us with a family and get nervous that I'd be the one doing all of the work.

 

I observed over the years, She was always looking to her parents, She's always waiting on her mom to cook something, her Dad was the breadwinner, and her Mom hasn't worked since 2010 due to a layoff, but she did the household duties.

 

One thing her Dad did before he died. My gf was always trying to get him to help her buy a car. But he said, you work, you don't contribute anything, so she acctually went with her mother and they got her new car.

 

Im sure you are well aware that this is hogwash. She isnt going to magically change into Suzie Homemaker once you put a huge diamond ring on her finger. She is who she is, and will just transfer her neediness to you. If she doesnt mind living in a filthy house now, she certainly wont mind when she moves in with you.

 

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

[usa1ah]

Thanks VeveCakes.

 

I see what you're saying but I'm a little confused by the bolded statement. Follow through with my threats? Are you referring to the many times I tell her she's free to go anytime she gets ready? Because my statements aren't threats, hers are.

 

 

 

 

Thanks usa1ah, very helpful.

 

My girlfreind always saying things like "If i were married i'd cook for you, clean, make up the bed, etc. I often picture us with a family and get nervous that I'd be the one doing all of the work.

 

I observed over the years, She was always looking to her parents, She's always waiting on her mom to cook something, her Dad was the breadwinner, and her Mom hasn't worked since 2010 due to a layoff, but she did the household duties.

 

One thing her Dad did before he died. My gf was always trying to get him to help her buy a car. But he said, you work, you don't contribute anything, so she acctually went with her mother and they got her new car.

 

My friend did do all the work. She spent all the money. She put them deep in debt. Then she found a BF. It took my friend about 6 to 7 years to pay off the debts from her after the D. You see she had a nice little job with little pay so he took the debt and she waved the alimony. Also left the kids with him, which was the best thing she could have done.

[djoner]

She's a child. It's a shame her mother didn't allow her to grow up (or force her to), but you can't fix it now. A parent's job is to give them wings let them fly away. She has no intention of flying anywhere.

 

I was actually falling asleep as I was writing that post you quoted. Once her Dad told her that she doesn't contribute anything, she actually went with her mother and she (my gf) bought her car herself. I think her Dad wanted to keep her and her mom depending on him for money and for things.

 

Just bc someone lives with their family doesn't mean they don't pay bills...I know doctors & lawyers that live with there parents, they can very much afford to be in their own. I think it's complete ignorance to even state something like that without personally seeing someone's bills for themselves.

 

She doesn't pay bills as far as I know.

 

OP...man up. Tell her you don't want to marry her under these conditions. She may not realize it. I grew up in a way different financial bracket than my H, when we got married I went on a spending spree bc he never said we couldn't afford it & it was just natural for me to spend what I wanted...when he finally told me, we've sat down & talked finances. You are also at fault for not being a 100% open...you won't know until you actually are open. If she leaves than you'll know but right now you're stringing her along bc you're unsure & that's a huge relationship issue also, wether it's with her or someone else.

 

I've been very upfront with her and I have tried to have talks with her like that, but I don't think she hears me because she will start saying things, "I don't think you want to be with me ! I don't think we'll ever get married!"

I think that's to make me feel guilty and steer the conversation off the issue at the hand. I will reply to her saying, "If that's your attitude, you're right, we're not going to make it." I remind her that I love her very much but if we can't talk, it will not work. I've talked to her, but I will admit, she brings it up almost every time we talk and sometimes I really don't feel like arguing with her all the time, so some times, I won't get in to it.

Edited March 17, 2017 by djoner

[d0nnivain]

Can you bring up this discussion in a neutral calm setting not during a fight?

 

 

My EX -- who I finally figured out would never marry me -- would accuse me of some of the things you are concerned about with your GF. He called me lazy because he did more of the housework & he constantly said I was materialistic, especially because said I wanted a diamond engagement ring. He'd say that he'd rather put a down payment on a house. My response would always be that I could buy myself a house; but I couldn't buy myself an engagement ring. To prove my point, before he & I broke up I actually did buy myself a house. The cleaning thing was because when I'd clean or cook he'd criticize & then do it over. I stopped trying after a while because I wasn't going to waste my time if that was his attitude.

 

 

This stuff almost always came out during an argument. We rarely had rational calm discussions about these hot button subjects. Eventually I walked away. Ironically -- 17 years later -- he's still not married, still living in the same rental apartment we shared & I'm happily married to a man I adore.

[VeveCakes]

Just bc someone lives with their family doesn't mean they don't pay bills...I know doctors & lawyers that live with there parents, they can very much afford to be in their own. I think it's complete ignorance to even state something like that without personally seeing someone's bills for themselves.

 

.

 

wtf this has nothing to do with this case....the OP said she doesn't help out at all with the household bills...so in THIS CASE - she is not helping.

 

Of course some people live with their parents and pay bills, some people pay all the bills for their parents.

 

I think its complete ignorance to say I'm ignorant without even understanding the context of this thread.

[djoner]

This stuff almost always came out during an argument. We rarely had rational calm discussions about these hot button subjects. Eventually I walked away. Ironically -- 17 years later -- he's still not married, still living in the same rental apartment we shared & I'm happily married to a man I adore.

 

Oh boy, I'm sure hoping that's not my fate. 17 yrs later and still not married.

[olivetree]

Oh boy, I'm sure hoping that's not my fate. 17 yrs later and still not married.

 

I think you're holding on because you're afraid you can't do any better.

[Whoknew30]

I was actually falling asleep as I was writing that post you quoted. Once her Dad told her that she doesn't contribute anything, she actually went with her mother and she (my gf) bought her car herself. I think her Dad wanted to keep her and her mom depending on him for money and for things.

 

 

 

I've been very upfront with her and I have tried to have talks with her like that, but I don't think she hears me because she will start saying things, "I don't think you want to be with me ! I don't think we'll ever get married!"

I think that's to make me feel guilty and steer the conversation off the issue at the hand. I will reply to her saying, "If that's your attitude, you're right, we're not going to make it." I remind her that I love her very much but if we can't talk, it will not work. I've talked to her, but I will admit, she brings it up almost every time we talk and sometimes I really don't feel like arguing with her all the time, so some times, I won't get in to it.

 

You haven't said "you're right, like this I don't want to marry you"...so you're not being honest with her. She's bringing it up & you're lying to keep her around as an option. She's trying to communicate & she's right with what she's saying & you're stringing her along.

 

Bottom line, you're saying you don't want to marry her but won't tell her bc you know she'll break it off. Poop or get off the pot. You're focused on her faults & that's fine but you're not without fault bc you're using her as a safety net...that's a huge fault of your own, that's just as bad if not worse than her fault bc you're basically lying & or avoiding being 100% honest with her...she at least is being honest. Lying to keep someone around is just as ugly & bad as greed.

[Whoknew30]

wtf this has nothing to do with this case....the OP said she doesn't help out at all with the household bills...so in THIS CASE - she is not helping.

 

Of course some people live with their parents and pay bills, some people pay all the bills for their parents.

 

I think its complete ignorance to say I'm ignorant without even understanding the context of this thread.

 

 

To say "if somebody doesn't do exactly what I've done" then they're not independent is a ridiculously broad statement...independence is a completely based on perspective & is looked at differently all over the world. One can say IMO but there's no "right or wrong" answer.

 

If I want to pay my daughter's bills & she's working full time, who cares! It doesn't mean anything but that's between her & her mother. He said she does decent money wise, so she's not a bum just leaching.

 

The context of this thread is she scares him financially & she's the only one being honest in the relationship...which OP just said she's the one that is trying to have open conversations & he's avoiding it. So wether he agrees with how she lives, she's trying to have open & honest communication. Their relationship problems are more on him then her, she's being herself & he's being untruthful.

[djoner]

I think you're holding on because you're afraid you can't do any better.

 

I just learned that rarely we find anybody better, we just find someone different, with a different set of problems.

 

And Im realizing Im getting older (even though I still look like I did in my 20s) I've been told that the dating pool shrinks when you get older. So I may not have as many options.

 

But maybe you are partially correct. As I've stated before, I just haven't hauled off and ended it yet because I didn't want to think I was kicking someone out of my life because of a few disagreements. I have a bad habit of feeling guilty for other people and its a constant struggle.

 

But as time carries on, no amount of delaying marriage will change who and what she is. She had some good qualities, but for the most part, she's a "do nothing" who's used to waiting on others and blames them when things go wrong.

[djoner]

You haven't said "you're right, like this I don't want to marry you"...so you're not being honest with her. She's bringing it up & you're lying to keep her around as an option. She's trying to communicate & she's right with what she's saying & you're stringing her along.

 

Bottom line, you're saying you don't want to marry her but won't tell her bc you know she'll break it off. Poop or get off the pot. You're focused on her faults & that's fine but you're not without fault bc you're using her as a safety net...that's a huge fault of your own, that's just as bad if not worse than her fault bc you're basically lying & or avoiding being 100% honest with her...she at least is being honest. Lying to keep someone around is just as ugly & bad as greed.

 

Thank you for your insight but I disagree with alot of what you said about me.

 

Even if what you're saying is true (which it isnt), I'm just not a straight up ********* like that to be that blunt with someone who I truly care about. When you care about someone, you're honest with them enough to tell them the truth, but don't have to take the gloves completely off.

 

To say I'm lying to her is ludicrous and very narrow-minded. Im still going to refer back to my post (post #53) and say that I've told her what the problem is, and she had a choice in the matterm too. I am not using her as a safety net at all. Ive had plenty of opportunities with other women but I try to stay clear of the one I've been with. The younger me wouldn't habe cared about hurting someone.

[VeveCakes]

To say "if somebody doesn't do exactly what I've done" then they're not independent is a ridiculously broad statement...independence is a completely based on perspective & is looked at differently all over the world. One can say IMO but there's no "right or wrong" answer.

 

If I want to pay my daughter's bills & she's working full time, who cares! It doesn't mean anything but that's between her & her mother. He said she does decent money wise, so she's not a bum just leaching.

 

The context of this thread is she scares him financially & she's the only one being honest in the relationship...which OP just said she's the one that is trying to have open conversations & he's avoiding it. So wether he agrees with how she lives, she's trying to have open & honest communication. Their relationship problems are more on him then her, she's being herself & he's being untruthful.

 

Yeah I think you are seriously projecting onto me here, never once said anything about one way being the right way but whatever, obviously this is a sore spot for you so I'm guessing you do support your children. Good for you but that has nothing to do with this thread.

 

She spends all her money on clothes and fancy things. She doesn't help around the house or contribute. That is not financially good in my books.

 

So no, she is not independent simply because she has a job. She's doing bare minimum. And I also think a person who is supported by their parent financially isn't independent either. Kind of contradicts the whole meaning of the word INDEPENDENT.

 

But please continue to put words in my mouth.

[djoner]

I guess the moderators are a little busy seeing my edit post request hasn't been done yet.

 

But to the last paragraph, I didnt't mean to say I'm trying to stay clear of my girlfriend, I meant to type "I'm trying to stay true to my girlfriend". And all the other typos, please ignore.

 

I'm typing with my phone and it would not allow me to edit.

[d0nnivain]

I just learned that rarely we find anybody better, we just find someone different, with a different set of problems.

 

And Im realizing Im getting older (even though I still look like I did in my 20s) I've been told that the dating pool shrinks when you get older. So I may not have as many options.

 

 

There is no perfect person. Everybody has issues that is true. everybody also had baggage but some people have carry-ons & others have steamer trunks. Choose wisely.

 

 

The dating pool does shrink a little. Nobody was married in HS but that doesn't mean everybody was available for you to date either.

 

 

Fear of change is a bad reason to stay in a relationship if your needs aren't being met.

[Whodatdog]

I get the feeling you are staying with her because you are "settling". There are so many really great women out there in their 30s-40s that are looking for relationships, women with financial savvy, good character, beautiful, caring. I think you are really doing yourself a disservice thinking that your dating pool is shrinking. How many do you really need? All it takes is meeting the right person. Staying with this train wreck is keeping you from finding someone much better for you.

[djoner]

dOnNovain and Whodatdog, I agree with you both.

 

I think it could be a combination of settling and fear of guilt for breaking up and thinking that I'll be regretting it once it's all said and done.

 

Things are settled for right now, and these most recent incidents (Valentines Day, her temper tandrums) is starting to build up to the point I'm reaching my breaking point. Everyone on here Is saying that it shouldn't take 4 yrs to determine if someone is marriage material, but I think it's dependent on when someone starts showing you their true colors. People can only hide things for so long.

 

I believe it won't be that long before her insecurities surface again and she's throwing more temper tandrums and making threats. I will have to make that call then.