Relationship issue [I can’t see myself marrying her the way things currently are]

[djoner]

Well my ex gf called me on Cinco De Mayo.

 

My mother was in town so I had to call her back the next morning. We didn't get back until late so i called her back the next morning and talked for over an hour.

 

She was saying i never got back with her about the wanting to go see the movie. I reminded her that she said she originally said wanted to talk and told her there was no way of talking in a movie.

 

She said "Yeah exactly." I told her that if she didn't want to talk, then it was no need for us to see a movie like we're still a couple. She began talking like she was ready to hang up the phone, "Well, i guess i'll talk to later!" I stopped her and we continued talking. She said she did want to talk at first, but since I was so busy that day, she no longer wanted to talk, she just wanted to see the movie.

 

She went through alot saying that I changed since I moved into the house, I was no longer sweet and kind and even joked "I wish you'd move back to your apartment". I said my piece too about her seeming like she was trying to fastrack her way to marriage and nagging me about it, walking out and threatening breakups after every argument, etc, etc.

 

We talked for an hour, so I'm leaving out details. Throughout our conversation, we had a difference of opinion. She said "Why did I even call you? That's what i get? I knew talking to you would make me mad!" I said, "Well, I'm not angry with you!"

 

Later she said that she was thinking we could try counseling but it just seemed like i was done with the relationship. I had to remind her that she was the one who deleted me off her facebook & instagram account. Then breaks up with me via a text message saying that She was done and because she didn't think I cared about her, etc"

 

I told her i still loved her but i'm working on me. I told her that i don't want to be blamed and accused for wasting her time anymore.

 

I don't feel like I should go back with her, but at the same time, I feel I should've been ready to tie the knot with her, and by not doing so, I've REJECTED her. I feel bad because Her Dad died,she doesn't have any siblings, and i know she felt comfortable enough with me to settle down with.

 

I don't know how to deal with these conflicting feelings between thinking that i've just given up on her and that i'd be smart to let it go. She's not a BAD person. She would pay for dates and buy me "thinking of you gifts" which she did mention. I had to tell her that I did all those things, along with giving her massages, cooking, etc.

 

I've been slowly getting back into dating other women, but I still feel a little conflicted.

[djoner]

Anybody had those conflicting thoughts that have you torn between not wanting to totally erase them out of your life/leaving it open to possibly try again or just be done altogether after an ex contacts you?

 

She's not a bad person and we got along most of the time. It's just hard when we don't agree on certain things.

[VeveCakes]

Re read your first post.

 

Spend time on your own before dating. Get to know YOU.

[djoner]

I see what you're saying. The dates I went on were friendly dates with some atraction but I haven't acted on it. Sometimes It just gets lonely and need to be around people. But in no way am I looking for a replacement already.

 

As for being on my own, I'm going to counseling. I exercise and am occupied trying to do some things for my house. I come on to LS and give updates. Funny, I re-read my 1st post on here at least 5x last week.

 

Its just when I had this talk with her this weekend, I was feeling a little like I rejected her during the r/l and by moving forward, I'm trying to erase her and all our time.

 

It really gets hard when I see couples who've broken up and got back together because they couldn't lI've without one another. Sometimed it rings on me that's how I should be feeling if she really meant anything to me.

Edited May 9, 2017 by djoner

[VeveCakes]

And those couples are probably people who have accepted infidelity, or become a door mat and just found it was easier to stay together. Don't look at others and picture what you think is perfect love. It's hardly true. You had good reason to move on, aim higher and you will find it.

[BettyDraper]

I see what you're saying. The dates I went on were friendly dates with some atraction but I haven't acted on it. Sometimes It just gets lonely and need to be around people. But in no way am I looking for a replacement already.

 

As for being on my own, I'm going to counseling. I exercise and am occupied trying to do some things for my house. I come on to LS and give updates. Funny, I re-read my 1st post on here at least 5x last week.

 

Its just when I had this talk with her this weekend, I was feeling a little like I rejected her during the r/l and by moving forward, I'm trying to erase her and all our time.

 

It really gets hard when I see couples who've broken up and got back together because they couldn't lI've without one another. Sometimed it rings on me that's how I should be feeling if she really meant anything to me.

 

If you have to convince yourself to stay with someone or marry her, then she clearly is not the right person to spend the rest of your life with. Guilt is a terrible reason to marry someone.

 

My husband and I broke up while we were dating and he always wanted to get back together. I'm glad that we did but that is not true for every couple. The break up caused some resentment which needed to be worked through.

 

Going no contact would probably help you heal. Part of the reason you feel conflicted are the conversations with your girlfriend.

[djoner]

If you have to convince yourself to stay with someone or marry her, then she clearly is not the right person to spend the rest of your life with. Guilt is a terrible reason to marry someone.

 

My husband and I broke up while we were dating and he always wanted to get back together. I'm glad that we did but that is not true for every couple. The break up caused some resentment which needed to be worked through.

 

Going no contact would probably help you heal. Part of the reason you feel conflicted are the conversations with your girlfriend.

 

Well, I tried for 4.5 years with her who never seemed really ready for marriage in my eyes. I think she got used to me being the one to run after her, stop her and calm her down when she'd she'd be ready to leave my apartment at the first sign of tension.

 

She said that ever since I got this house, I've changed and haven't been as caring and sweet. Whats funny is she broke up with me no more than a week after me moving in which was the point I didn't try to stop and talk when she'd get upset.

Edited May 9, 2017 by djoner

[BettyDraper]

Well, I tried for 4.5 years with her who never seemed really ready for marriage in my eyes. I think she got used to me being the one to run after her, stop her and calm her down when she'd she'd be ready to leave my apartment at the first sign of tension.

 

She said that ever since I got this house, I've changed and haven't been as caring and sweet. Whats funny is she broke up with me no more than a week after me moving in which was the point I didn't try to stop and talk when she'd get upset.

 

 

Sweetie...you did the right thing. She's too immature for marriage.

Keep on attending counseling.

[hestheone66]

And that is why you've always known she's not the one.

 

You possibly feel guilty that you never faced the fact, possibly as the real reason eluded you.

 

She uses words and gifts to manipulate you. Always with HER agenda in mind.

 

Love is doing things to please the other, with no other agenda

 

Stay strong..it will take a long time to get over it but do not be tricked by loneliness or horniness to get back with her, not when you've come this far... NC may be best but that's your call.

Cheers

[djoner]

You make a excellent point.

 

I feel a little guilty that I'm actually trying to move on, and I know that's ridiculous, it's just I know more now that she was not the right girl for me to try to marry.

 

She called me the other night to ask what to do because someone just hit her car. We got disconnected but I texted her telling her to call the police and not move her car.

 

She texted me last night asking If I was home. I know she wants to try to meet up bit I just am not ready to see her. I know she's going to try and be all sweet and nice to get us back on good terms like it was when we were dating. Then I'll probably feel even more bad if I turn her away while she's tryin to be all nice.

 

It's just at this point, I know she's not someone I can marry. When I first opened this post, I wasnt sure, but after everything that happened and reflecting on the stuff that happened before we broke up, I'm for certain I can't marry her or even be with her. My heart is just not in even being involved with her, but I still love her. Is that possible?

 

I believe I am the best, consistent, caring, passionate guy she's ever dated. Not saying that arrogantly, i just I know I had that staying power that put up with her tandrums than most guys did. I feel like going back, even to see her or be friends will set me back. Ive been doing better and I'd hate to think I've been going through all this break up pain for nothing.

[hestheone66]

Yes don't set yourself back.

 

You do sound like a genuine caring man.

 

When you realise your worth, and have grieved appropriately, you will attract a woman who will love and value you.

 

For your sake stay strong.. distract yourself away from thoughts of her. Try and be disciplined to not answer calls or texts right away

[Whodatdog]

You should ease away, stop answering phone calls and texts, especially the ones where "she needs you" for something. Its time for her to put her big girl pants on and figuring things out on her own. Her car is hit, and she cant figure out on her own to call the cops? She knows youre a good guy and will be there for her if she needs help.

 

But the time has come to stop being there for her. Be strong.

[djoner]

I know its not good for me to try and be there for her. If I'm with someone for a while, it's out of habit, especially given the fact that her Dad died last year and she's an only child with not many close extended family. I sometimes feel bad for her, but I have to remind myself that those are HER problems.

 

I know i need to stop answering her if I expect to heal. One things that's been needling at me is late last year, we had plans on going on a family trip that my cousins were planning this summer (mid July). We agreed to pay our own ways ($1100 per person, all meals/drinks/ hotel/airfare inclusive.) She paid off her portion right before we broke up (using her leftover $$$ she got from her father's death). I however only paid the $200 deposit and haven't made any payments since our b/u.

 

Truth is, I don't think it will be good for me to go anymore. I think it would mess with my head too much if my ex is there. My ex told me she wishes she could get her $$$ back, but since we were in a group rate, it's non-refundable. I told her she should go because $1100 is alot of money to throw away.

 

Plus, that side, my cousins are always jokingly putting pressure on me to marry her, feeding into her obsession about marriage. They would also take her side by ranting how nice of a girl she is and I should be ready, adding more to my guilt. I haven't told but one cousin that we broke up and that I wasn't sure about going anymore but i would let him know.

 

I said I would give myself til the end of this month to really determine if I should go or not. It's getting closer and closer to mid July and I'm kind of sweatin it. I haven't seen or wanted to see my ex since our break up night on March 31st in spite of her several attempts to link up and hang out.

 

I'm really not sure about it. I'd lose my $200 i put on my deposit though.

Edited May 12, 2017 by djoner

[Whodatdog]

Oh yes you are sure about it. Going on that trip is the LAST thing you should do. Just consider that $200 as payment to get yourself off of that hook.

[djoner]

Well she sends me a text yesterday saying, " I think we should talk tonight if you're not too busy!"

 

I didn't respond.

 

About an hour later, she texted me back saying, "well, I guess you ain't get my text, you ain't that dang busy".

 

I still didn't respond.

 

So several hours later, she calls me. I rejected the calls and she would call right back!!! She kept calling about 5 times

 

I started getting nervous. She knows where I live and I'm only about a 10 minute drive from her house

[Whodatdog]

Read your post 141 again.

 

She is so used to controlling the direction that your FORMER relationship was with her, and she's still trying to do that. You arent engaging with her, and its making her crazy that she cant get you to respond.

 

Dont do it. There is nothing you need to say to her in person.

 

If you need to, re read this thread. Ask yourself, what if a friend wrote these posts that you wrote, and asked you for your opinion. What would you tell him?

Edited May 13, 2017 by Whodatdog

[djoner]

Thanks WhoDat, but, unfortunately, post 165 was delayed from last night.

 

I caved and finally answered her call. She said that she thought i was with some OW and she was about to hop in her car and ride over to my house and break through and catch us both. I reminded her that we are not together and to no longer make jokes like that like she did when we were together.

 

We ended up talking. She asked me if I didn't think our love deserved another chance. I reminded her that she said we wasted eachother's time and how she was ready to be married while I didn't feel she was ready to be married.

 

I also reminded her that she's the one who sent the break up text saying she was officially done. She said that didn't mean that she still didn't have love for me. I told her i still had love for her too but i'm focused on me right now. She said, "You always are!"

 

She went in and started going on a complaining rant saying that I wanted to be single since the day i met her and never loved her and should've told her that i wasn't trying to get married, and she wouldn't have even wasted her time. And why would I tell her to go on this trip with your family when you're not going? She said," you're an old man who has no wife or kids!" She even asked if i was gay since i'm not ready to be married and don't have kids. These were all the same old arguments over and over again.

 

I reminded her that i told her constantly i wasn't ready for marriage, but she kept asking me almost everyday, and how everytime we got into an argument, she would leave, hang up, or threaten break ups. That wasn't indicating readiness for marriage. She then says that "That's just women. You're an old man who can't even handle women!" (Old man... we're only 5 years apart:laugh:)

 

Long story short, It was just 30 minutes of us going back and forth. The conversation ended with her telling me that she's still praying for my Dad's recovery but for me to go to hell, then hanging up on me.

 

I knew I should'ntve answered her call, but the amount of times she called, I was really thinking she was about to do some crazy stalkerish type of stuff, so I just answered.

 

 

It wasn't that long ago I last talked to her and i come to LS if i feel the urge to talk to her. I feel a little crummy today and set back. But it's still a challenge for me to try to cut her completely off.

Edited May 13, 2017 by djoner

[hestheone66]

in a sense this was an unfortunate but awesomely useful encounter.

 

You got to assert that you DON'T want her and she is less likely to believe she can just snap fingers and you'll come back.

 

I agree 100% that losing $200 is a drop in the ocean for the freedom of her going away.

 

Next step block her calls.. it cannot get better from this point.

[Whodatdog]

Well, if nothing else this should just confirm to you that she hasnt changed a bit. Still the very same arguments from her. Nothing has changed. She still can't have a reasonable conversation with you. She almost sounds like a petulant 14 year old.

[djoner]

You got to assert that you DON'T want her.

 

Well, that's extremely hard for me to think I DON'T want her. I spent nearly 5 years with her and there are alot of great times we had together and alot of good things she did. It's almost like I'm throwing her away and I feel miserable.

 

I havent really been eating and haven't been sleeping well. I haven't really been looking forward to moving on without her and finding "the one ",since I couldn't bring myself to marry someone I spent 5 years of my life with. She probably despises me now because it appears to her that I wasted her time and that my love was never real.

Edited May 16, 2017 by djoner

[Whodatdog]

Well, that's extremely hard for me to think I DON'T want her. I spent nearly 5 years with her and there are alot of great times we had together and alot of good things she did. It's almost like I'm throwing her away and I feel miserable.

 

I havent really been eating and haven't been sleeping well. I haven't really been looking forward to moving on without her and finding "the one ",since I couldn't bring myself to marry someone I spent 5 years of my life with. She probably despises me now because it appears to her that I wasted her time and that my love was never real.

 

This guilt tripping thing is getting old. If thats how you feel, then go back to her and marry her. Then you wont have to feel guilty.

 

She doesnt despise you because she keeps contacting you. You cant waste her time, only she can waste her time. Ever consider maybe you wasted your time? And you showed her over and over that you loved her. And you should know all this. But you'd rather be all "woe is me".

 

So man up. Either go back with her and deal with her issues and marry her, or put your big boy pants on, realize that it just wasnt a good fit (no pun intended), and its not your fault that it isnt. Every relationship is not meant to end up in marriage. Its hard to find someone that can fill "your other half", but certainly not impossible. It is impossible if you dont let yourself free find someone.

[djoner]

Good advice Whodatdog.

 

And I know it's getting old. Now that Im living in a home instead of my shoe box apartment, I found those lonely feelings haunt you even more and you catch yourself really reflecting.

 

It is time to man up and If she ever calls again (which I doubt after the way that last phonecall ended), I know better not to answer. Even if she's calling repeatedly like she was.

 

I find myself reading articles talking about a man that won't propose this and that and I found my ex is not unlike alot of women. Just very childish

Edited May 16, 2017 by djoner

[Whodatdog]

You need to find constructive things to do with your spare time. Go to a gym, go swimming, join a bicycling club. Get out and meet people who have similar interests. Open your mind, and your heart. Rip that rear view mirror off, and look ahead. Theres a long wonderful road ahead.

[Heathen]

As some who is contemplating "the thought of marriage", would you mind if i chimed in as a impartial observer?

 

Unlike others i do not really see a lot of "fault" with this woman other than "she is a woman". She likes $400 shoes, OK. Diamonds and shopping? OK You do realize she is female don't you? She does not want to live with her parents. She wants to live with you, get married and start a family.

 

You wrote that she works in the Prison system as a probation officer. That is not a easy job, but pays pretty good. Bonus

 

As far as the rest of the things she has done, Yes, she manipulates, but she does this to get YOU. Just because someone does something to manipulate, does not mean what they are doing is wrong. All these "horrible" things some are pointing out are minor, and a different guy may have been able to read between the lines and handle the business.

 

In my opinion, part of the problem is that you should have been able to control this. Women respect strength and someone who knows what he wants. Even now, it doesn't appear to be you bro. No offense

 

BTW, If you Keep up your current behavior, pretty soon, some guy is going to turn her head and it will be over for you. Maybe you will rejoice. Maybe you will move on. Maybe you will find someone who has all her ducks line up perfectly, checks all your boxes, and you buy the ring and stop complaining about someone who is not "good enough"

 

Or maybe she gets tired of your wishy washyness, finds someone who can handle her and put her in her place (in a good way) and you spot her happy with another and regret it for the rest of your life.

 

This woman has done every thing in her power to get the forever. If you do not want to marry her then don't, but stop blaming her for the sun rising, when all she did was love you for years.

 

I am not slamming you and don't mean to be harsh, but maybe you should listen to Whodatdog. "So man up. Either go back with her and deal with her issues and marry her, or put your big boy pants on"

Edited May 17, 2017 by Heathen

[Whodatdog]

Heather, you cherry picked her issues. You seemed to leave out:

 

She doesn’t cook or clean, and everytime I go to her house, her room is filthy.

 

She impulsively buys concert tickets for us two but will kind of throw it in my face later.

 

Over the years, I’ve discovered that if we get in an argument, she’ll shut down completely and pout, many times storming out and walking off or hanging up the phone if we’re on the phone together.

 

When we’re in an exchange of words, she likes to try to cut me off before I get a chance to say what I’m trying to tell her.

 

She always wants a foot rub every weekend but when I ask her for something in return, she falls asleep.

 

Well often time we get in an argument, she'll try to shout over me so I won't be able to finish saying what I'm trying to say (I've heard her do that with her mother).

 

One day, she stormed out of the house after a disagreement (NOT even an argument) and didn't talk to me for about 5 days, deleted herself off fb, along with our relationship status.

 

I observed over the years, She was always looking to her parents, She's always waiting on her mom to cook something, her Dad was the breadwinner, and her Mom hasn't worked since 2010 due to a layoff, but she did the household duties.

 

But as time carries on, no amount of delaying marriage will change who and what she is. She had some good qualities, but for the most part, she's a "do nothing" who's used to waiting on others and blames them when things go wrong.

 

------------------------------------

 

So theres a lot more going on here than just she likes to shop. There is absolutely no financial responsibility there. Its fine to like to shop....I like to shop. But I also pay my mortgage, my electric bill, my credit card in full every month. Shopping comes after that. She has never had any fiscal responsibility, she has always depended on someone. A person like this jumping from mommy's pocketbook to her husband's income is a disaster waiting to happen. And it will happen to her husband to be.

 

She is immature and not even close to being ready to be a good partner. But the bottom line is, it doesnt matter what we all think. Its up to djoner to decide what he can live with and what he can't live with.