Relationship issue [I can’t see myself marrying her the way things currently are]

[djoner]

As some who is contemplating "the thought of marriage", would you mind if i chimed in as a impartial observer?

 

Unlike others i do not really see a lot of "fault" with this woman other than

 

See statments like these is where I start to get confused and second guessing myself like maybe I've been too hard on her, and that's where I start feeling guilty thinking im making the wrong decision by moving on.But I respect your difference in opinion.

 

My issues weren't with her shopping and entertainment. Matter of fact, I loved that she has style. And she pays her own car note every month. So I'm not downing her completely. She's a good person and is very giving in alot of ways.

 

But its mainly the way she solves problems that I was worried about. That other side to her personality is what I couldn't get past. Trust me, I tried to work with and work through it, but it wasn't enough for marriage, tied with the other things that Whodatdog quoted, it did not make me confident that we were ready for marriage. I was her longest relationship. Her last short lived r/l didn't last due to the men cheating, or lying. I did none of those things

 

When she broke it off this last time, that was the final straw. She's used to me trying to calm her down, chase after when shes storming out or threatening break ups. I finally couldn't take it anymore. I did it back and forth for several years and for what? She was right back to the topic of marriage the next minute.

 

Whodatdog. Thank you.

[GorillaTheater]

I was her longest relationship. Her last short lived r/l didn't last due to the men cheating, or lying. I did none of those things.

 

 

Maybe the other men in her life didn't either. And maybe you're going to find her saying these same things about you.

 

 

That may matter to you, but it shouldn't. Your best bet is to put her in your rearview mirror and never communicate with her, not because she's a bad person, but because she's a disordered person and toxic for you.

[djoner]

I keep replaying our last conversation where she said, "you acted like I was trying to spend all your money. I never asked you for anything. I paid on our dates too. Alot of women wouldn't have done that!"

 

I'm working on putting her in the rear view mirror. She did pay on dates and was fair when it came time to doing that. That's why it still hurts. With her contacting asking for us to try again makes it even more hard.

[djoner]

Well, my ex texted me last night while I was at work, working late asking when I would be home.

 

I didnt respond.

 

So, I got a call directly to my work phone at about 7:45pm. I pick up, it was her. And no we don't have caller ID.

 

She asked again if what time are you coming home tonight? I told her I didn't know and asked why? She asked again if we could meet up tonight or within the next few days. I told her we would have to meet somewhere. She said she'd be willing to come wherever I was.

 

I asked her why we couldn't just talk over the phone. She was talking in her calm voice, "I'm trying to reach out to you and you're just being very cold. If theres a new lady in your life, you should just tell me". I told her just as i did in our previous conversation, theres no new lady, but that wasn't her concern. I reminded her that she broke up with me through text, said our relationship was a waste of time, told me to go to hell, and just said was tired of being hurt by her words. I said," I dont want to hurt you either by continuing to waste your time if I'm not ready to be married. So it's just best for me not to see you."

 

She said she was over the marriage thing. She said, "I kind of have some bad news!" I told her whatever it was, she should tell me now if it's so important. I dont like suspense. She said its something that she needs to tell me in person. She tried to get me to set up a time when we could meet. I told her I would get back to her. She asked me again. I repeated, I will get back to her.

 

I've been going to therapy and trying to get my mind right out of guilt and depression. It's been hard trying to cut off communication. She's just getting more and more persistent.

 

What is this bad news??? And why can't she tell me over the phone.

Edited May 18, 2017 by djoner

[Whodatdog]

Dont cave. Theres nothing she cant tell you that she cant tell you over the phone. She broke up with you via text, thats pretty bad news to tell someone.

 

Ive told people bad news over the phone. I had to tell my ex that his sister died over the phone. Thats about as bad as it gets.

 

She may indeed have some bad news, but it sounds more like guerrilla tactics to me. Like saying she's over the marriage thing. Like hell she is. If theres bad news, she can tell you over the phone. I dont know what it could be that should even concern you. The relationship is over.

Edited May 18, 2017 by Whodatdog

[hestheone66]

Very proud of the calm way you've handled that obviously distressing phone call.

 

Keep it up ..

 

And as for second guessing yourself...I guess it's natural.

 

Keep your eye on the prize when you feel inclined to go over that past conversation.. imagine yourself in a year's time, through enjoying the company of someone who's not nuts, or just enjoying the peace of mind you've earned.

 

I'm in a similar position over the last week..a dear friend of mine treated me very shabbily...I'm prepared to walk away rather than be sucked in to believing they really care for me.

 

Sometimes the die is cast when offences (like being dumped via text) are too heinous...they really speak to the character of the perpetrator..really think about character...it's a lifelong thing in my opinion.

 

Seek out those whose values align more closely with yours and you will find peace.

 

Keep up the good work

[AMarriedMan]

Very proud of the calm way you've handled that obviously distressing phone call.

 

Keep it up ..

 

And as for second guessing yourself...I guess it's natural.

 

Keep your eye on the prize when you feel inclined to go over that past conversation.. imagine yourself in a year's time, through enjoying the company of someone who's not nuts, or just enjoying the peace of mind you've earned.

 

I'm in a similar position over the last week..a dear friend of mine treated me very shabbily...I'm prepared to walk away rather than be sucked in to believing they really care for me.

 

Sometimes the die is cast when offences (like being dumped via text) are too heinous...they really speak to the character of the perpetrator..really think about character...it's a lifelong thing in my opinion.

 

Seek out those whose values align more closely with yours and you will find peace.

 

Keep up the good work

 

To OP:

 

It is absolutely vital to only be with someone whose values are similar to yours in all important respects. Being alone is vastly preferable to being with anyone whose core values conflict with yours. That is so important that I think it is a serious defect in our romantic love worshiping culture that this knowledge is so poorly passed down to the young generations. Romantic love is fundamentally erotic passion, an animal drive that has little to do with wisdom and the notion of good life.

 

That said, the biggest problem with OP's relationship is his GF's immaturity. She is simply too immature to be in a serious relationship with anyone. She has a lot of growing up to do. You owe her nothing. She has also wasted your time, not just the other way around. It is time to end it.

[djoner]

Thank you guys

 

Even though we're broken up, it's like I still feel responsible for her. I was there last year when her Dad died. I shared some of her pain, of course not all of it. Now trying to stand firm and cut her off is kind of messing with my head a little, it's like I'm causing her more pain than what she's been through.

 

She texted me last night because last night she was still wanting to meet up with me. I didnt respond. She texted me asking if I was just going to not respond to any of her texts. I textend her back saying I was busy and couldn't text. She calls me, I didn't pick up. So she sends me another text saing, "I'm trying to reach out to you but you're being very rude."

 

This is extremely hard on me. It's like I'm being the bad guy but I'm trying to look after myself

[Whodatdog]

Every time she texts, every time she calls, remember SHE broke up with YOU. She has played with your emotions, breaking up in the past, getting together, ignoring you, deleting you off of social media, yelling at you...how much more immaturity are you going to deal with?

 

If she has something important to tell you, she can tell you. Nothing is stopping her. She is just trying to draw you back in. You have stopped playing her little games of running to her appeasing her immaturity.

 

The gig's up.

[djoner]

Even though we're broken up, it's like I still feel responsible for her. I was there last year when her Dad died. I shared some of her pain, of course not all of it. Now trying to stand firm and cut her off is kind of messing with my head a little, it's like I'm causing her more pain than what she's been through.

 

I know that's silly but those are the conflicting feelings of guilt Ive been struggling with, like I'm abandoning her.

 

She texted me last night because last night she was still wanting to meet up with me. I didnt respond. She texted me asking if I was just going to not respond to any of her texts. I textend her back saying I was busy and couldn't text. She calls me, I didn't pick up. So she sends me another text saing, "I'm trying to reach out to you but you're being very rude."

 

This is extremely hard on me. It's like I'm being the bad guy but I'm trying to look after myself

[Whodatdog]

And she's always throwing it at you like everything is your fault...saying you are rude for not answering her texts. Like, once again, its your fault. Of course she wasnt rude when she was yelling at you, yelling over you trying to talk to her, hanging up on you.

 

Cut that hang nail off. Its been festering long enough.

[djoner]

Thank you Whodatdog. Youre a strong supporter here on LS and I appreciate it.

 

Sometimes when we're going through emotional pain, our minds are unclear and we start second guessing ourselves. Sometimes we need that other person to remind us of the realities here.

 

Please disregard post 185 as it was an unintended duplicate post. But it had an edit saying that I know it's silly, but the feeling I'm getting "like I'm abandoning her" is part of my guilt, especially knowing what she's gone through.

 

But I just need to quit fooling myself. She's been doing this before her Dad died. This relationship had turned pretty toxic and somewhat abusive. I

[Whodatdog]

Reread your post 104. You thought it was funny when I called your relationship toxic. Its not funny now, is it.

 

As was said, you cant have a relationship with someone who doesnt have the same character and ideals that you have. It is a constant battle if you dont. Who needs that? You have been desperately trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, and it just doesnt work.

 

Be strong.

[djoner]

You're right.

 

She called me again last night.

 

I had been out and had a few drinks, but I answered.

 

She was talking to me in her calm voice. She said i seem very angry lately. She continued and tried to fish for information if I was with someone else and asking me all kinds of questions about when i come home. I didnt want to be rude or backed in to a corner with all the questions. So Whatever she asked me, i asked right back to her.

 

So she tells me that she's finally moving out of her mom's home. She already paid her down payment. I sounded surprised. I asked her if she was going to be living by herself or living with a roomate. She asked me, "are you living by yourself or with a roomate?" ,Doing the same thing back to me that I was doing to her. But we ended the conversation on ok terms.

 

I'm surprised though. I've been telling her for years that she needed to get some experience living on her own before trying to get us married and now she's doing it after we break up? I sure hope it's for her and not for me.

Edited May 21, 2017 by djoner

[Whodatdog]

So what was the bad news that was so important to telll you?

[djoner]

So what was the bad news that was so important to telll you?

 

She hasn't brought that back up. She texted me this morning saying she 4got to ask me something last night and if I could call her later.

 

So I didn't respond. So she calls this afternoon. I didnt pick up. I texted her, "call u back". She texted," Called you on accident".

 

So I end up calling her and she just wanted to know my shoe size. That was what she used to do when she was buying me shoes.

 

I told her she don't need to buy me ANYTHING and to tell me what she needed to ask me. So she says I just need your shoe size. Are u an 11 or 12, you're a 12 aren't you? I said I didn't know and asked her what her question was again. She repeated that she wasnt buying me anything, but then She asks, "So you're not a 11?"

 

She is really trying to worry the he'll out of me and strong-arming the situation like we're still in a relationship. Im actually starting to get a little annoyed and a tad pissed. I don't want to be rude to her but this is getting a little much.

 

I got a date on Thurs with someone, and I'm not going to let this ex of mine making me feel bad for moving on. She likes to back me up into a corner with her little questions. I don't want to be nasty with her but I'm a little worried that she might push me to that if she doesn't stop being so worrisome.

 

Whatever happened to "you're just wasting my time." " I could move on and find a rich baller who won't mind marrying me!" "I'm gonna leave yo azz, you letting a good woman slip through your fingers", etc.

Edited May 22, 2017 by djoner

[dangerous]

Push and pull tactics - you need to block her - if you want to go back, go back. If you want to move on, get on with your life, don't let her play these games with you.

[dangerous]

She hasn't brought that back up. She texted me this morning saying she 4got to ask me something last night and if I could call her later.

 

Games!

[djoner]

Well, she's now texting me offering to bring me lunch today at my job because she's off today???

 

If it's games, I sure would like to know what kind of game she's playing.

 

It's starting to look like she can't move on.

[Whodatdog]

Either you quit with her, or stay with her. You cant keep talking and texting and listening to her talk to you like you are still in a relationship.

 

If you are truly done with this nonsense, stop answering her texts. Stop answering her phone calls.

 

Its entirely up to you. But the more you keep up the contact, the longer you drag this on, for you and her.

[hestheone66]

It's time to think of Dr Phil's favourite bit of advice:

"The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour'

 

Pull the band aid off this festering wound and go NC...there is no point trying to be friends when. Her character demonstrates she is self centered to the core and only does things eg gifts, Lunch not as a friendly gesture but to manipulate you...she knows that guilt is an emotion that you respond to.

 

Well this - you have NOTHING to feel guilty about, except if you ruined your chance to finally get away from this drama queen...

 

You DESERVE to be with someone who is capable of genuine empathy..as a narcissist, she is actually physically incapable of this emotion. She can pretend to be loving but it's a facade. I know her type, I was entranced by a manipulative game player who nearly ruined me for 12 years. When we broke up I went NC and have been blissfully happy without his dramas and put downs.

 

Never allow yourself to sleep with her again as I think she would purposely get pregnant to trap you.... surely that's not love.

 

Go NC...hardcore...if she comes to your work and doesn't leave get a restraining order..I'm serious..take your power back and enjoy your life

[djoner]

Well that's good to remember.

 

I went ahead and put her on block tonight. I've got to say that blocking her did hurt, especially after she offered to bring me lunch today. It's feels as if I'm literally throwing her away.

 

I hate to think I'm causing her pain because I do still care about her and still lover her. I think that's what make this so hard.

 

I think I have a bad habit if looking at couples who've been through what appears to be way worse than what we went through and they found ways to wor through it. And now that she's reaching out to me, I'm turning her away like I'm not even trying.

 

But I know that's just my mind playing tricks.

Edited May 23, 2017 by djoner

[hestheone66]

It is hard and yes your heart is playing tricks on you.

 

The key is although you will care about her for a long time because you are a kind man.

 

You need to love yourself more, to make choices that benefit your happiness..and you will definitely attract a healthy respectful long term partner that you won't hesitate to want to marry and have as mother of your children.

 

We all have hard lessons to learn; old comfortable behaviours and patterns to change...this is a great step towards personal growth.

 

Remember this above all: she wouldn't want to take back anyone who would put up with her sh*t...it just wouldn't last beyond a few months as her level of respect of your wishes is very low...she may be turning to you for support as her insecurities will be very high..this is simply unacceptable behaviour from anyone who has any level of self awareness and a conscience.

 

By going NC, you are being kind to her by not sending any mixed signals...the hurt will pass...for both of you.

 

Stay strong and keep posting

[Whodatdog]

You are not throwing her away, you are setting her free. You and her. The relationship didnt work, you tried as hard as you could. She is a manipulator, and as long as you keep in contact, she will figure out how to manipulate.

 

Look forward, not backward. Stop feeling guilty, the demise of the relationship wasnt your fault. You did all you could do, it just didnt work. It happens.

[djoner]

Good morning LS.

 

And whodatdog, I've been reading and re-reading that post all week.

 

I had to come back on here this morning because I unblocked her last night and was seriously thinking of reaching out to her. I know I shouldn't feel this way but by blocking her, I feel Ive ultimately cut the cord and she's going to be forever gone. And the last memory I'm going to have is that she did give it effort and I've shut her out.

 

Anyway, I went on a date last night and I'm thinking that the things she was talking were not that different from what ive heard my ex say.