I think Wife and I headed for splitsville.

[doub]

Guess my story is the same as many I've read here on this forum. I think Wife and I headed for splitsville.

 

W indicated out of the blue that she is no longer happy in our marriage. I was aware that our shared routine of raising 3 grade school aged kids was monotonous, but was taken aback by the severity of W's announcement.

 

The last 4 months have been us in a house together with the kids, passing each other like ships in the night. Its been cordial, but loveless to say the least.

 

We tried MC a couple times over the years. Its not helped. Most recently, in January, the session was unproductive. A lot of crying on her part and typical response to any question was "I don't know".

 

How aggravating is I don't know? I don't want to gaslight, but my W's behavior is in line with much of the reading I've done concerning mid life crisis.

 

What I'm getting at is if W "doesn't know", and hasn't given me anything to go on for months, why the hell am I putting up with this? I mean I know the answer, its the kids, but this is unsustainable in that I feel both W and I deserve better.

 

So here's the kicker, I've seen a divorce attorney. During that meeting he advised that, relevant to many of the cases he's handled, I should go home and work on my marriage. Well if she doesn't want to work on it why should I? I mean I am not dumb enough to think that I can force her to stay, but I'm also under the impression that she's finished and is for reasons a mystery to me unwilling to go forward with removing herself from this situation.

 

So do I move the ball forward with my attorney, or put up with W's current behavior until she figures her mind out?

 

Thanks for listening.

[aileD]

Why doesn't it have to be all or nothing right now?

 

Offer a separation, some time apart to evaluate your wants and needs (both of you)

 

There is also counseling called "discernment counseling". It's 6-8 weeks and is not marriage counseling. It's counseling to help you both discern if the marriage is worth working on or moving on from.

 

I get that your wife is in a funk and going thru something but are you really ready to give up on your marriage after a few months of hardship? Cmon. Marriage is supposed to keep you committed thru the hard times. You're supposed to hold her up and keep the commitment when she isNt feeling it and vice versa. Your marriage will go thru many times like this over the years. How much do you love your wife?

 

Marriage isn't easy especially with young kids.

 

Don't jump ship yet.

[Ronni_W]

doub,

I'm sorry that you're going through this; it's very difficult, I know.

 

At the point that I started wanting a divorce, I was exactly like your wife in that I did not have the words to describe or explain my state of mind and heart.

(I didn't say, "I don't know" - but I'm sure, to my husband, whatever I did say was the same as, in that it didn't explain or help him understand anything.)

 

What helped me - after the fact - was coming across the concept of an 'emotional needs love tank'; it actually helped ME understand my own mental-emotional state at the time...but, unfortunately, like I said, I found it after the fact.

 

At the same time, my then-husband took the more-or-less same position as what seems to be coming from you: "It's not really my problem because I have to wait for her to tell me what to do." Which, if you can realize, is just another way of saying, "I don't know."

 

I took his lack of interest and action as his lack of caring, one way or the other, what happened in our marriage and to our marriage; and, worse, as his lack of caring about me and my mental-emotional welfare and happiness.

 

There isn't any point blaming your wife for not knowing what's going on in her own head and heart; you still have your 100% husband role to fulfill - and its responsibility according to your marriage vows.

[doub]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I've been told basically the same from a few close people I've been talking to about this. Guess we've never been at such a low spot in our relationship before. Her whole "I don't know" thing, in my mind, means the end. How could she not know??????????

[LilyMila]

You asked why you should work on your marriage when your wife doesn't. Consider this, while MC is most effective when both sides want to work on it, it can also work when only one person does majority of the work. There is a chance that your eventual patience and determination can change the other person and slowly bring her to a state where she will be more cooperative. This is not about who is right or wrong. Save that discussion for later.

[doub]

doub,

I'm sorry that you're going through this; it's very difficult, I know.

 

At the point that I started wanting a divorce, I was exactly like your wife in that I did not have the words to describe or explain my state of mind and heart.

(I didn't say, "I don't know" - but I'm sure, to my husband, whatever I did say was the same as, in that it didn't explain or help him understand anything.)

 

What helped me - after the fact - was coming across the concept of an 'emotional needs love tank'; it actually helped ME understand my own mental-emotional state at the time...but, unfortunately, like I said, I found it after the fact.

 

At the same time, my then-husband took the more-or-less same position as what seems to be coming from you: "It's not really my problem because I have to wait for her to tell me what to do." Which, if you can realize, is just another way of saying, "I don't know."

 

I took his lack of interest and action as his lack of caring, one way or the other, what happened in our marriage and to our marriage; and, worse, as his lack of caring about me and my mental-emotional welfare and happiness.

 

There isn't any point blaming your wife for not knowing what's going on in her own head and heart; you still have your 100% husband role to fulfill - and its responsibility according to your marriage vows.

 

Ronni, ouch. Thanks I guess. I know that I could, and should be, the bigger person here. I'm on the side of keeping my vows intact.

[doub]

You asked why you should work on your marriage when your wife doesn't. Consider this, while MC is most effective when both sides want to work on it, it can also work when only one person does majority of the work. There is a chance that your eventual patience and determination can change the other person and slowly bring her to a state where she will be more cooperative. This is not about who is right or wrong. Save that discussion for later.

 

Lily,

 

I think you nailed it for me with your right vs wrong statement. I do feel right in all this. 100%. It puts me off a tad if I'm being honest. Which in turn has resulted in my responding to my wife's behavior similarly. As Ronni so eloquently suggested, may have to step my game up before its positively too late. At the end of the day, however this goes, I want to know I tried.

[Ronni_W]

I know that I could, and should be, the bigger person here.

doub,

 

It's not a competition; it's not about being a 'bigger' person. It's not about you sitting on the sidelines of your marriage and leaving your wife all on her own to try to figure it out all by herself.

 

You can help her find resources that might help her. Locate them, print them off, and offer them to her with great love and affection. (If you don't know to what I am referring here, please read my first post again.) And, study them yourself. .

Devote yourself to your wife...not to keeping yourself aloof and above it all as a 'bigger' person.

[JamesM]

Guess my story is the same as many I've read here on this forum. I think Wife and I headed for splitsville.

 

W indicated out of the blue that she is no longer happy in our marriage. I was aware that our shared routine of raising 3 grade school aged kids was monotonous, but was taken aback by the severity of W's announcement.

 

The last 4 months have been us in a house together with the kids, passing each other like ships in the night. Its been cordial, but loveless to say the least.

 

We tried MC a couple times over the years. Its not helped. Most recently, in January, the session was unproductive. A lot of crying on her part and typical response to any question was "I don't know".

 

How aggravating is I don't know? I don't want to gaslight, but my W's behavior is in line with much of the reading I've done concerning mid life crisis.

 

What I'm getting at is if W "doesn't know", and hasn't given me anything to go on for months, why the hell am I putting up with this? I mean I know the answer, its the kids, but this is unsustainable in that I feel both W and I deserve better.

 

So here's the kicker, I've seen a divorce attorney. During that meeting he advised that, relevant to many of the cases he's handled, I should go home and work on my marriage. Well if she doesn't want to work on it why should I? I mean I am not dumb enough to think that I can force her to stay, but I'm also under the impression that she's finished and is for reasons a mystery to me unwilling to go forward with removing herself from this situation.

 

So do I move the ball forward with my attorney, or put up with W's current behavior until she figures her mind out?

 

Thanks for listening.

 

How can your wife's announcement be "out of the blue" when you yourself say that the two of you have been loveless for the past four months, you have tried MC "a couple of times over the YEARS" and most recently in January?

 

There seems to have been plenty of warning.

 

And you say she hasn't given you anything, but maybe she has and you haven't heard? This is not uncommon.

 

The question is: if she actually told you what you need to reconcile the marriage, do you love her enough to do it, or are you checking out of the marriage?

 

A couple of more questions...have you ever cheated on her even if she doesn't know it (or you don't think she does)?

 

Has she ever cheated on you that you know of?

[doub]

I feel that in the context of how things were going in the relationship prior to her announcing her displeasure it was out of the blue. We'd just come away from sharing some great time together away from kids acting like kids ourselves. And that was really awesome and I loved being with her.

 

If she's given me anything its silence. I think I get the message, but have no choice to attribute my own meaning since there is no info coming from her.

 

For many reasons, I want to stay together. I consider myself lucky to have what I do and she is reason for it. I know this.

 

Should have addressed the cheating thing in original post. I have not cheated nor am I looking to. As far as I know, she has not cheated.

[testmeasure]

.

 

What is the history? How old are each of you? How long have you known each other? And, how long have you been married?

 

I'm a divorced dad. My daughter is still younger, but with her activities I run into a lot of mothers who are still married. I catch a glimpse of what it's like for a mom to have 3 grade school kids. They dream about having a single day or even an hour a week to escape the monotony.

 

It doesn't sound like there is anger, resentment, hostility or emotional abuse. If not, maybe just communicate to be on the same page about priorities. If you're not emotionally at each other and you've got the same priorities, maybe it's a matter of just grinding through.

 

I'm divorced and most of the time it's just me and my daughter. So I'm able to make most of the time about fun and adventure for both of us. But at our preschool when we do parent time, I really do get the impression from the married moms with multiple kids that their life is about just making it through the day, and they wish they could have a minute, hour, or in some imaginary fantasy a day to themselves.

 

So, again, if you're not in emotional conflict and have the same priorities, maybe just support each other in the mutual realization that raising 3 kids isn't going to be fun for yourselves or your relationship at times.

 

On the other hand, depending on the age, there's also the possibility of mid life crisis or even medical hormonal things that could be checked out.

 

Personally my ex was emotionally hostile for over a year and I still tried to make it work until she finally pulled the trigger. That in itself was probably a mistake, but ultimately it worked in my favor.

 

Here you have 3 kids, no conflict, but threats of separation with no action. It might be frustrating, but I'd keep turning over stones. I guess you're doing that coming here. Also search Google and YouTube for stuff about your situation. The more your read or watch videos, the more you'll find a piece here or there that fits and clicks and helps you understand your own situation.

 

.

[Marc878]

You can't make her do anything. However, staying waiting for her to make a decision is not in your best interest. Go your own way. The more you wait on her or be there the more she moves away.

 

If you're smart you'll go online and check your phone bill. Just a good fast check.

[basil67]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I've been told basically the same from a few close people I've been talking to about this. Guess we've never been at such a low spot in our relationship before. Her whole "I don't know" thing, in my mind, means the end. How could she not know??????????

 

Being able to identify and label why one is unhappy can be complex.

 

I would suggest that she does some 1:1 work with a counselor to try and get to the root of her problems.

[doub]

doub,

 

It's not a competition; it's not about being a 'bigger' person. It's not about you sitting on the sidelines of your marriage and leaving your wife all on her own to try to figure it out all by herself.

 

You can help her find resources that might help her. Locate them, print them off, and offer them to her with great love and affection. (If you don't know to what I am referring here, please read my first post again.) And, study them yourself. .

Devote yourself to your wife...not to keeping yourself aloof and above it all as a 'bigger' person.

 

Makes a lot of sense Ronni. Thank you. Obviously I'm needing some help with me too.

[doub]

Being able to identify and label why one is unhappy can be complex.

 

I would suggest that she does some 1:1 work with a counselor to try and get to the root of her problems.

 

Basil, I've suggested as much. She is a very stubborn and confident woman. She works full time in a male dominated industry. Worked her way up to president in the last 10 years. Short of it, she's not good at asking for help and thinks she handle everything on her own. Getting her to admit that her work life is not the same as her home life has been a constant struggle. She doesn't think she needs help so will not ask for it.

[doub]

.

 

What is the history? How old are each of you? How long have you known each other? And, how long have you been married?

 

I'm a divorced dad. My daughter is still younger, but with her activities I run into a lot of mothers who are still married. I catch a glimpse of what it's like for a mom to have 3 grade school kids. They dream about having a single day or even an hour a week to escape the monotony.

 

It doesn't sound like there is anger, resentment, hostility or emotional abuse. If not, maybe just communicate to be on the same page about priorities. If you're not emotionally at each other and you've got the same priorities, maybe it's a matter of just grinding through.

 

I'm divorced and most of the time it's just me and my daughter. So I'm able to make most of the time about fun and adventure for both of us. But at our preschool when we do parent time, I really do get the impression from the married moms with multiple kids that their life is about just making it through the day, and they wish they could have a minute, hour, or in some imaginary fantasy a day to themselves.

 

So, again, if you're not in emotional conflict and have the same priorities, maybe just support each other in the mutual realization that raising 3 kids isn't going to be fun for yourselves or your relationship at times.

 

On the other hand, depending on the age, there's also the possibility of mid life crisis or even medical hormonal things that could be checked out.

 

Personally my ex was emotionally hostile for over a year and I still tried to make it work until she finally pulled the trigger. That in itself was probably a mistake, but ultimately it worked in my favor.

 

Here you have 3 kids, no conflict, but threats of separation with no action. It might be frustrating, but I'd keep turning over stones. I guess you're doing that coming here. Also search Google and YouTube for stuff about your situation. The more your read or watch videos, the more you'll find a piece here or there that fits and clicks and helps you understand your own situation.

 

.

 

test,

 

We've known each other since college; close to 20 years. Dated for 4 years before getting married. Married for 13 years now. As she works full time, I don't think its the constant responsibility for caring daily for the kids that's doing it. I do know though that she has an issue with feeling like a good mother on top of her wanting to be the best she can at work.

 

Funny thing is with the youngest now in first year of full time school, I felt like we are finally coming out of the weeds. These kids are little people now and in many ways our time together as a family has become easier in terms of parenting responsibilities that is. It also means we've been dividing and conquering on the weekends. Most of the time I don't see her much on the weekends as we are in different cars taking kids in different directions to activities. Just adding to the monotony of life I guess.

[Marc878]

Did you check your phone bill?

[LostHubby2015]

Why doesn't it have to be all or nothing right now?

 

Offer a separation, some time apart to evaluate your wants and needs (both of you)

 

There is also counseling called "discernment counseling". It's 6-8 weeks and is not marriage counseling. It's counseling to help you both discern if the marriage is worth working on or moving on from.

 

I get that your wife is in a funk and going thru something but are you really ready to give up on your marriage after a few months of hardship? Cmon. Marriage is supposed to keep you committed thru the hard times. You're supposed to hold her up and keep the commitment when she isNt feeling it and vice versa. Your marriage will go thru many times like this over the years. How much do you love your wife?

 

Marriage isn't easy especially with young kids.

 

Don't jump ship yet.

 

 

Personally, I haven't been married that long, but i do agree with the above post. My wife and I have had a rough marriage to say the least, but in my situation i found a reading that will help you realize if you're ready for divorce. Now take this with a grain of salt and i am referencing an article i read, but say out loud, to yourself, when you're alone. "I'm getting a divorce" and see how you feel.

 

Example, i've done this many times and many times i've smiled and felt relief. Just today i signed the petition for a divorce and then I started to smile. Yet, I haven't turned it in nor do i feel "ready". You've heard a lot i'm sure, and i haven't read all posts in here, but it's a personal choice and only you can make it. From your original post it sounds like going through the motions is all you have at the moment. As cliche as this is, but try to break up the routine and randomly do something fun (for the both of you). If you both think it's fun to go out to dinner do it. If it's fun for you both to go to a demolition derby do it, but if it's not fun for the both of you it'll be a wasted effort. But i'd do that and see if there is any sort of "re-connection" you feel for one another. If so it may make it easier for her to recognize the "i don't know" she's feeling. If not.........then i got nothing.

Edited March 8, 2017 by LostHubby2015

[Just a Guy]

Hi doub, how is everything with you? Are you taking action on some of the advice you have received? I guess you have to give it a good shot before throwing in the towel. How was your marriage a couple of years ago and when did you notice that things had started going downhill?

 

Have you sat your wife down face to face and had a long talk with her about what is troubling her? Have you asked her what it is that you can do to make things better? Is it possible for you to take charge of the kids for an evening and let her go and meet her friends socially maybe once a week so that she appreciates you for it? Do try something before you give up. Warm wishes.

[doub]

Hey Guy,

 

Appreciate you checking in. Since my initial post I've seen a therapist a couple times (given the hourly rate it's clear I made the wrong career choice). I feel that given the advice received here this was a good move. It's clear to me that I have been selfish in looking at this whole situation from my perspective while giving no consideration to hers. In short, I'm trying to be a better person and husband (thank you Ronni for your insight on this).

 

Wife and I had a very emotionally charged conversation about all this over the last weekend. It wasn't heated, but full of tears. She continues to say that she's been unhappy for a long time. She feels guilty that she never brought the extent of that unhappiness to my attention. She says she is still unsure of how to continue and that she isn't sure that she'll ever be able to love me the way she once did. Also said she is still unsure of what she wants. I let her know that I understand. I let her know that I realize I can not force her to stay. What I can do however is try to help. There are many reasons that I have for not wanting to separate from my wife and this relationship. I'm guilty of not communicating those to my wife. I hope that over the weeks/months to come I can keep everything that she is feeling right now in perspective as I try to be a more caring partner while we work to figure all this out. I hope I'm not too late.