Trust Issues and Reconciliation

[somanymistakes]

It's totally possible to be a flirt who loves attention and NOT engage in affairs, emotional or otherwise.

 

Don't equate the two, or excuse the one because of the other. Lots of people love attention but are capable of keeping boundaries. She's apparently not one of them.

 

As for the "if there's an EA and he's local they MUST have had sex" - while I understand where that viewpoint comes from, at the same time surely everyone is aware that many affairs start emotional and only eventually go physical? which means there is a time period in there where it hasn't happened yet. It's certainly possible that they didn't, especially if he didn't actually want to and just enjoyed the attention. In itself that's not really the issue though, because whether this particular guy did or didn't have sex with her, if she's still not really sorry and likely to go after the next guy that attracts her interest, that's a bigger problem.

[Cephalopod]

My wife is a big flirt and loves attention from other men. I never thought she could do something like this though. I thought she was an honest person. Makes me question past **** too. But again, the polygraph. How accurate are these things really?

 

For the most part, we've always been close and good with each other.

 

You have taught her how to treat you. You are still teaching her that it is okay for her you treat you like mud under her shoe, and that it is okay to humiliate you and disrespect you -- because you don't respect yourself. She continues to hurt you because you continue to let her, with no consequences.

[WilyWill]

I think you have to get tough. She keeps testing you. Coming back just to see how easy it is to keep you on a string. Then you show her just how easy it is and she sees you're willing to be a doormat. As a consequence, she loses attraction for you.

 

If I were you, I'd go full-steam ahead with the divorce. Tell her that she should find a husband she's attracted to, and you're not willing to be anyone's second fiddle. If she shows adequate remorse and respect for you, you can stop the divorce just before it takes effect. But even then, you should make sure she understands that she'll always be on probation.

[drifter777]

It's totally possible to be a flirt who loves attention and NOT engage in affairs, emotional or otherwise

 

Disagree. I'd say that the ones who haven't had an affair are going to - they don't learn boundaries until they cross them. Play with fire and someone always gets burned...

[Sparta]

OP SHE HAS HAD SEX WITH HIM..!!! you need come to terms with that you...

[Darren Steez]

This is what my friends are telling me. All this guy had to do was agree to dinner and she would have been banging him. It's ****ing true. It sucks. I doubt she'd be trying to reconcile now.

 

But why did she turn him down for the late night call?

 

I just wish I could believe her regarding the story. I want to make a decision based on all the facts. If she's withholding **** it isn't good. Which she probably is. So, it's probably worse than I think. It's already damn near impossible to swallow. I know I should just end it.

 

Push and pull?

 

Maybe she was trying to play hard to get? Fact is they were in communication, fact is all things being equal she wants to bang him, fact is (and she's told you) she thinks he's better looking, she's actively pursuing.

 

Look mate this has nothing to do with this man, he's not some magical sex god descended just for her, just a guy in the right place and the right time. All it takes is one guy who has no qualms about hitting the booty thrown at him.

 

This isn't about trust issues. This is about your wife wanting to bang another man. At this point to demonstrate trust she'd basically have to become a nun instead she's telling you she wants this guy even after being found out.

 

You start to negotiate with a cheater you've already lost.

[Giacomo67]

I ask her what time will she be home, she tells me 9:30-10:00. Around 11, she tells me that she lost track of time, and she's leaving right now. Doesn't get home until 1:30. I confront her, ask her what's up? Ask her if there was anything she needed to tell me about where she was for so long? She flips out on me, I flip out on her, she starts punching and kicking me, I start calling her names. We argue a lot. We both say some regrettable things, and she tells me that she doesn't want to do this anymore. She leaves the next morning with her things.

 

 

OK....no sex! your right ------ i guess!

 

[road]

I ask her what time will she be home, she tells me 9:30-10:00. Around 11, she tells me that she lost track of time, and she's leaving right now. Doesn't get home until 1:30. I confront her, ask her what's up? Ask her if there was anything she needed to tell me about where she was for so long? She flips out on me, I flip out on her, she starts punching and kicking me, I start calling her names. We argue a lot. We both say some regrettable things, and she tells me that she doesn't want to do this anymore. She leaves the next morning with her things.

 

 

OK....no sex! your right ------ i guess!

 

 

This WW did not once have sex with the OM that night.

 

 

 

 

She did the OM multiple times that night.

[elaine567]

This WW did not once have sex with the OM that night.

 

 

 

 

She did the OM multiple times that night.

 

Oh please...

YOU do NOT know that.

Stop winding the poor guy up.

[mikeylo]

The polygraph test was about past. She got clear there. Great !

 

BUT

 

For future, she accepts that she wants to continue in one way or the other.

 

And no, flirting with others and wanting attention from others while in a committed relationship is big NO. Many consider it cheating.

 

Why is she with you if she wants to flirt with others? That energy needs to be put in you, not others. Duh ! You flirt ONCE with someone else and see the result !

[somanymistakes]

Disagree. I'd say that the ones who haven't had an affair are going to - they don't learn boundaries until they cross them. Play with fire and someone always gets burned...

 

People don't all follow a single model of behavior.

 

The only reason I brought it up here, though, is that the woman in this case shouldn't have her actions excused because "she's just naturally flirtatious and likes attention". Liking attention is a personality trait, cheating is a choice.

 

An awful lot of waitresses/bartenders are naturally flirtatious and enjoy attention, that's how they end up in that line of work. That kind of personality gets good tips. It absolutely doesn't mean they're willing to go home with customers just because they like the attention. And when one of them DOES decide to do that - because people are people and some of them will - it doesn't mean that they ALL will, or that a waitress girlfriend should be given a free pass if she actually cheats just because she's a natural flirt.

[lunarnaut]

Ok, a lot of things to respond to.

 

First, the polygraph was administered after all of this had transpired. The test indicated that she had never been physically intimate with anyone besides me. Did she want to? Yeah. Was it while we were separated? Yeah. Did she still lie about having contact with the guy? Yeah. What bothers me the most? The lying. She should have been honest with me. She was really wrapped up in the fantasy of this other guy, and her claim is that she realized it, started missing me, and wanted me back. Naturally, I'm skeptical about that claim given her penchant for lying about this kind of ****. Why not just tell me the truth? Also, as a man, do I want to sleep with other women? Yeah. Do I find other women more physically attractive than my wife? Yeah. Does that mean I'm going to cheat on her? I can control that, and I won't do it.

 

Regarding her liking to flirt with other guys and get attention. Yeah, it's always been a problem in our relationship. Did I let it happen? No. Is it part of her personality? Yeah. It's always been innocent enough. She's one of those people that just can't help it. Hell, some of the women in my family are like that, and I don't think they would ever cheat on their husbands. I'm not perfect either, and I have character flaws as well. She calls me out on them, but ultimately, she accepts it's the way I am. The flirting does kind of bother me, but I never figured her for a woman to let it get further.

 

Another piece to this story that I feel is relevant. I used to do the same thing with girls. I cheated on her while we were engaged. Short story - I was at the bar with some friends, some girl was giving me a lot of attention, and one thing led to another and we ended up making out. She asked if I would take her back to my place, but I realized what I was doing. I paid my tab and left the bar alone. I told my wife about it the next morning, begged for forgiveness, and she forgave me. The point of that story is, that I did something crappy, but I was able to change. She gave me a chance to change. There are several big differences between the stories, most notably, that I was willing to accept responsibility and the consequences that came with my actions. In the discovery phase, she felt like she didn't do anything wrong because she never crossed the line physically. Part of her feels like she didn't need to tell me what she was doing while we were separated. I still feel like she should have been honest.

 

While we were in marriage counseling, it's one of those things the counselor told her had to stop if she wanted to repair the marriage. At first, she denied really having a problem, but eventually realized that what she was doing wasn't really fair or acceptable anymore given that it had gone too far once. While we have been together, and not separated, I have seen a change in this behavior. Small sample size, but I can't expect her to prove a lifetimes worth of fidelity in a month and half.

 

Was I always a little suspicious of her given her desire for attention and her act first, think later mentality? Yeah. I assumed this might happen at some point. Can these things be forgiven? I'd like to think so. I learned them the hard way, I believe she is capable of learning these things to.

 

I fear I may have made myself out to be delusional. Keep the truth bombs coming. It helps.

[PrettyEmily77]

People make mistakes. I've made mistakes in my life. We have twelve years together and two children. I know for a fact that I've changed and haven't continued to make mistakes that I made in the past. She has forgiven me and given me chances before. I feel like I owe it to her.

 

I have no advice for you OP; you should do whatever it is you want to do - if your wife crossed your personal boundaries and you feel there is no way back, then so be it.

 

I'm just surprised that no-one has commented on the above yet - what sort of mistakes has she forgiven you?

 

ETA: just re-read your most recent post re your own cheating; still wouldn't know what to advise as it is such a personal issue and others who have been through betrayal tend to project a lot of their own story and feelings onto your circumstances. If you trust your wife to see the errors of her ways in time, and if you have genuine feelings towards one another (once that phase of hers has dissipated), there may still be a chance but only you know that.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck OP.

Edited March 8, 2017 by PrettyEmily77

[mikeylo]

I agree. OP, if it's a dealbreaker for you then it is so. It doesn't matter what others think because ultimately it's you have to live with her.

 

If she can't live without flirting and it's a no area for you , then so be it. There is no middle ground here. There are only 2 options : either she gives up her flirting forever or you live with it.

 

I personally would choose a partner who chooses me over flirting with others.

 

And yes, once you are in a committed relationship, there is no room for being a ' natural flirt '. Those people end up being alone or in open relationships.

[Rouik]

I would say give it everything you got for the next three months, after that if she still isn't up to working on your marriage and is talking to other guys she has made her choice. I am sorry you are dealing with this and I pray that you can stay strong during this time. After the three months remember that either way you still get to be the father of two children and they will need someone stable to take care of them. Good luck and best wishes.

[lunarnaut]

Kind of a funny update. We live in a top 10 US city by population size (almost 2 million). I happened to be at the gym working out, when I hear someone (there's always one in the gym for some reason) grunting really loud while lifting. I look over when I'm done with my set to see what the deal is, and it's the guy my wife was having the EA with.

 

So, my wife had told me this guy was taller than me, he could kick my ass, blah blah blah... and I see... a little guy. Probably not much taller than my wife and not very big. At this point, I just start laughing to myself. I mean, call me petty, but that **** made me feel so good for some reason. I thought about confronting him, but just decided to let it go and carry on with my workout. At this point, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders (I totally grunted). I mean, in my head I was imagining some 6'-4" tank with a 10" cock and I end up seeing the guy is a head shorter than me, and in no position to "kick my ass". Anyways, he ends up walking by me, sees my face (I didn't know if he knew what I looked like), and speed walks out of the gym.

 

We're still trying to reconcile, but it's hard for me to forget everything. I mean, she's willing to kick me while I'm already down by telling me lies about the guy's appearance and stature? I told her that it was a messed up thing to lie to me about given the circumstance, and that she needed to be honest with me and tell me if I'm what she wants. And, if I'm not what she wants, just have the courage to tell me so I can get on with my life and find someone who will treat me right.

 

Time will tell. Going to give her some time to think about it.

Edited March 22, 2017 by lunarnaut