[Dilemma with bff]

[preraph]

Yes, it's a bad idea. What is a good idea is to get off his social media so he can't manipulate you through it or make you worried.

[CptCodi]

If he genuinely needs you, he would reach out to you.

 

If not, he's just posting his emotions on social media. Most of the time it's to get attention.

[EmilyJane]

I disagree with the hard line no contact often stuck to on this site.

 

In some cases concern for the wellbeing of another human being supersedes break up bull. Particularly when it comes to young men and suicidal tendencies. A break up is a huge trauma and men are not as well equipped by societal expectations to process the emotional fall out as effectively as women. For some it does trigger mental illness. It did with my ex. He suffered a true mental break down with extreme suicidal impulses. Because he is the type of man to only have a handful of close friends and I was the only one who knew anything of his emotions and was his home and support.

 

I think if you have any mutual friends to sound out about his mental state first.

 

Because I responded to his direct call for help and I would not do a thing differently because it saved his life getting him into treatment but it did entangle me further.

 

Because I am very much still in love with him, any contact even out of human concern for a fellow human, keeps me from gaining distance.

 

So be extremely clear on your motives, is it genuine concern or are you looking for an acceptable pretext to re establish a connection? And try other ways first.

 

And trust your own judgment, you know the situation and him better than any of us, all people here can really do is give generic blanket advice that will not cause any problems but also not necessarily help in 70% of cases.

[Ronni_W]

It seemed that even though he was seemingly trying to be friendly (with the smiley faces) he kept his responses to the very minimum

That is what you want -- friendliness with the very minimum of his deep emotional stuff -- so be happy for it.

 

Curtail the frequency of contact and communication. If you feel any obligation or responsibility for his emotional well-being, then you are putting that on yourself; it's not really your job, task or role to be or for him to think that you are his emotional caretaker or therapist or parent/babysitter.

[Ronni_W]

Among the most concerning things, he posted a status message...

If you are concerned for his emotional state, then take your concerns to his mother or contact the appropriate authorities for professional guidance and assistance.

 

Unless you are a licensed psychologist/psychiatrist, you need to disengage from trying to figure out what this young man is up to or going through. At the personal level,

you may want to consider what, if anything, your psyche is so much enjoying about your role in the drama of this man's life.

[preraph]

^ agree with the above. If he needs help, it's his family who can get him help, not you. Sounds like he's either just venting or doing this trying to make you feel guilty and manipulate you into getting back in touch. Once you open that door, you are stuck for life, so don't do it. I would get off the social media and block him from yours. If he somehow contacted you and ever mentions suicide, the only way to respond to that is call the police and send them for a welfare check because 1) if he's serious, they're the only ones can stop him & get him to a hospital and 2) if he's yanking your chain for attention trying to coerce you into interacting by making threats, this will put a stop to that.

[kendahke]

I feel like reaching out to him today.

 

@kendahke I would rather set boundaries and express to him that I am confused about the way he has been communicating with me because it feels romantic in nature. Then hear what he says about it. If he confirms that he has a romantic interest/wants more, I will have to be truthful with him and distance myself.

 

IOW, you didn't mean a word of what you said.

 

It's not a catch-22 situation at all. You enjoy taking the 2x4 to the hornet's nest, but want to complain when you get stung.

 

He's not going to do what you want him to do. He's got ulterior motives and is quite prepared to wait you out and wear you down til you acquiesce. You think you're being more clever than him, but you will never be more clever than a manipulative person who is formally trained in psychotherapy.

[BC1980]

I believe it would be a bad idea to reach out. I didn't read you previous thread, but here's the thing. If someone wants to take a break, that means they don't want you in their life. So they don't want your emotional support if something bad happens. They've decided they are okay getting emotional support from another source. So it's really meddling on your part if you contact him. You also might find that your concern is unwelcome, and I can guarantee you it will come off as needy.

 

Edit- I just read your other thread. So he's in love with you, but you don't feel the same way. He's most likely your friend because he's hoping you will fall in love with him. Yeah, my advice still stand. Don't contact him. Really and truly, he doesn't need to be friends with you because it's a lopsided friendship, and he is getting himself hurt. That is his decision though. Still, I'd stay away if I were you.

Edited May 18, 2017 by BC1980

[BC1980]

If you are concerned for his emotional state, then take your concerns to his mother or contact the appropriate authorities for professional guidance and assistance.

 

Unless you are a licensed psychologist/psychiatrist, you need to disengage from trying to figure out what this young man is up to or going through. At the personal level,

you may want to consider what, if anything, your psyche is so much enjoying about your role in the drama of this man's life.

 

That's really good advice. Usually, if someone is in a dark mental state, a former BFF that they are in love with is a bad choice of someone to help. OP, most likely, you will make things worse for him because I'm thinking you are the source of some of his pain.

 

The last line. . . . I have to agree. You may not see it you, but I think there is a good chance you are torturing this guy with your mere presence in his life. You seem to have good intentions, but you just can't be friends with a guy that is in love with you if you don't feel the same way.

[BaileyB]

There is more going on with this story.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/624297-concerned-about-him

 

It would appear that this man is not only manipulative, but also very attention seeking and/or deeply disturbed. I would not contact him. It's not healthy what's happening in this relationship, and with this man.

[cae88]

I wish things could go back to the way they were before things got so complicated. I can't explain to you all how it feels to be told by someone I have known for 9 years, who I truly thought was my friend, that he feels jilted and estranged by me and that because I have not opened up to him enough, he needs to take a break from me.

 

I know this came about mainly because of his feelings for me, so time and space is what he needs (I get that), but to also point the finger for not being emotionally forthcoming, distrustful of him and imply that I hate him, I can't quite get past that part.

 

Even before he brought up taking a break, he made up his mind that he lost me, so I guess I have lost him too. I lost someone I care about...and I can't forget this even if I wanted to.

[AJ27k]

Its one of those scenarios where at the moment he wants way more than a female BFF can offer in a friendship. I am sorry, but just reading that initial post, it really is not right for a best friend to put you in a situation like this regarding the friendship as a whole.

 

My two closest friends are females, I love them both like sisters. I would never ask/want the extent of emotional closeness, that level of intimacy or ask them to divulge their vulnerabilities. Its clear he wants more than friends at the moment.

 

I understand how difficul it can be, a decade plus of an amazing, great BFFship. Now at the moment it seems like it is gone. I think you need to tell yourself though its not your fault this situation happened or that he feels he lost you or its time for a break. Its very possible that a break is the best thing possible for him, he likely will meet someone or get more in tune with the reality of the situation. As of now it just comes across that is is hoping/waiting for a chance that you go to the intimate level mutually.

 

I personally feel that with a close female friend their are clear cut boundaries, they just can't be crossed for a close friendship to remain in tact. You can't take the blame for him crossing that and you not wanting to.

[anika99]

I wish things could go back to the way they were before things got so complicated. I can't explain to you all how it feels to be told by someone I have known for 9 years, who I truly thought was my friend, that he feels jilted and estranged by me and that because I have not opened up to him enough, he needs to take a break from me.

 

I know this came about mainly because of his feelings for me, so time and space is what he needs (I get that), but to also point the finger for not being emotionally forthcoming, distrustful of him and imply that I hate him, I can't quite get past that part.

 

Even before he brought up taking a break, he made up his mind that he lost me, so I guess I have lost him too. I lost someone I care about...and I can't forget this even if I wanted to.

 

He is controlling, manipulative and guilt tripping. You are not seeing that because you are too close to the picture to be able to see the overall view.

 

The way this guy insists that you open up and be emotionally vulnerable is downright creepy. Hell I would find that creepy even if I was romantically interested in the guy. I have opened up and let myself become emotionally vulnerable to people but it was my choice and it happened naturally, not because the other person demanded it.

 

Earlier in this thread you said years ago he asked you to be his best friend and when you initially said no he kept pushing until you agreed. Even that was creepy. People don't ask their best friend to be their best friend. You become best friends, it happens naturally. People don't say "hey I want you to be my best friend".

 

This guy has issues. Because he wants you, he feels entitled to you and he is angry that you never reciprocated his romantic feelings. It's narcissistic almost in the way he demands you give all of yourself to him. On the other hand I believe you have somewhat played along and given him false hope because you wanted to keep him in your life even though you knew you were never going to share his romantic feelings.

 

Just look at how this thread played out. Initially you posted that you felt pressured by his emotional demands and wanted to know how to deal with it without hurting his feelings. People took your post at face value and post after post poured in with good advice regarding how you needed to be upfront with this guy, tell him a firm NO and possibly end the friendship. And what did you do? You sent him a message offering to try harder to give him what he wants by giving this pillow talk thing a try, thereby being dishonest about your true feelings and giving him hope. WTH? It's like you were both trying to manipulate each other. He wants to manipulate you into a romantic relationship. You manipulated him by playing along so you don't have to feel guilty or possibly lose the friendship. As weird as he sounds, he is the one who faced reality and realized that you are never going to give him what he wants and that it's become an unhealthy friendship. You know he wants more than you can give him so let him go.

[cae88]

Since I last posted here, my friend and I have spoken during the course of May-July (sometimes days in a row, sometimes a few or several days apart). I haven't gone out of my way to send him messages, but I don't ignore him or take too long to respond to messages he sends me.

 

I decided to tell him about my acceptance into school in early June. I still wasn't sure when the right time was to tell him, but I didnt want it to drag on for too long. He told me he was happy for me and my future, he would like to know how the process is going (I was waiting to hear back about some things) and we texted back and forth for the rest of the day, as I shared more about my next steps. We joked about me needing a new wardrobe for the weather and he even told me that we need to celebrate before I go.

 

I noticed there was a day in June (after not speaking to each other for a week) when he messaged me and I messeged him back a 'Hey there'...and for some reason he thought I was not in a good mood. He asked me if I'm not in a good mood and then told me that he was just checking to see if I'm ok, he can see that I am but he doesn't get the idea I'm in a talking mood so he'll come back when I'm in a more relaxed/receptive mood. All of this from me just responding 'Hey there' to his 'Hey'. This was strange to me, but inspite of that, we spoke back and forth that day. I asked him during our convo why he thought I wasn't in a good mood, but he didn't say.

 

Also, there have been times he had not responded to a message I sent him, (e.g. me asking how his week was or telling him I got through with a very important document I needed to travel with to be allowed to go to study), but I chalked it up to him telling me he hadn't been feeling himself, job hunting issues, etc. I have supported his job hunt and given him words of encouragement about other things, which he appreciated.

 

So the last day was spoke July 7th. Last night he sent me a message that confused me. He asked me if I remember when we used to talk often and he is not saying I have to, but things have changed.

 

I don't know if this has anything to do with the fact that I am leaving soon, but why say this to me now? I'm not sure what to make of it. He told me months ago that things have changed, said how he felt, and said it's best to take a break. I knew things wouldn't quite be the same after that but I accepted it and what our friendship may become. So why now when we are actually speaking again and on okay terms bring this up again?

[cae88]

Is there anyone who has been following my story that I can talk to? I sent him a message this morning and among the things he responded with, he said something kind of hurtful. I'm leaving in a few days. Feeling kind of down right now.

[cae88]

I just wanted to come back to tell you all what was said.

 

I responded to his message. Kept it short and told him that I do remember when we used to talk often, but even though we haven't been speaking every day, I think we've had some good conversations lately. I asked him if he thought so too.

 

I also mentioned to him that a few months ago he said that he wanted us to take a break from each other for a while, I'm not sure if that still stands, so I'm a little confused by him reminding me that we used to talk often and saying that things have changed.

 

A lot of the things he said in response were really negative:

 

-regarding him wanting a break, he said that he has been sending mixed messages and he can see how that would be annoying, but things kind of changed for him when he found out that I was going away

 

- he has no confidence that things will be the same when I leave, and they kind of shouldn't.

 

- he has been thinking about the past a lot and has found himself wanting things to go back to when they were simple...and he went on to say, and I quote "but it's never that simple. Because I don't think you were truly 'happy', and idk if anyone else noticed. You 'knew where you wanted to be' and that wasn't it. As much as I have claimed to know you, I was still a little ignorant to a few facts, and I'm sorry for just now realizing that."

 

- he said that from a previous conversation we had, it was clear that we wanted different things but we can at least agree that he wants me to be happy, and he knows it's not by staying here with him. I'm pretty much stunned and hurt he came to that conclusion.

 

- our conversations were good, he's just resisting the urge to focus too much on the mundane and trivial. This is not the first time he has insinuated this. He has asked me before if I think our conversations have become jaded and predictable. Pretty darn hurtful to hear that. Over the past few months we have shared songs, talked extensively about a tv show we both enjoy, talked about some struggles he has been having, talked about things pertaining to my course of study, etc. If he considers that mundane, then wow

 

And to top it all off, I responded to him yesterday, but I think he specifically kept the wifi on his phone off for the whole day (I saw him online elsewhere so I guess he was using another device). My message did not go through (and it still hasn't).

 

I'm pretty sure a lot of you are saying we warned you to let him go...and I know. I only have myself to blame for receiving *just more of the same. Guilt tripping. It's just sad that this is the way things turned out soon before I leave.

 

Thank you again to those of you who have listened and those who took the time to craft advice for me since page 1 of this thread. I appreciate it.

[cae88]

There is more going on with this story.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/624297-concerned-about-him

 

It would appear that this man is not only manipulative, but also very attention seeking and/or deeply disturbed. I would not contact him. It's not healthy what's happening in this relationship, and with this man.

 

You are right BaileyB. This is far from healthy. I see it now.