Emotionally Involved While Separated = Big Mess

[oyevey]

I'd be curious if someone experienced something similar.

 

My wife and I have been married 20 years. We separated about 5 months ago. Our marriage has always been turbulent. We have 2 great teenagers. We have always operated well as a family unit but she and I have always had issues. We have love for each other but eventually, something triggers and we grow distant. We feel bonded but there are little things about each other that irk each other a great deal.

 

Anyways, we decided to separate as our marriage became pretty dark. The kids actually took it well and so I moved out. We gave each other permission to date other people but we also decided to give us a year to sort things out before we officially filed for divorce. We thought the time apart might help us grow.

 

I joined some online dating sites and ended up meeting several women. I had a few first dates which went well and I started doing things on my own that made me quite happy. I did see a woman on 4-5 dates where we ended up getting emotionally attached. I disclosed this to my wife and she got really mad at me because I got involved with a woman and it wouldn't give her a chance. I was forced to end it, not so gracefully. Shortly after, my wife and I re-connected. I was in a happier place since our separation and so was she. We had been kinder to each other and we ended up spending quality time together which had been nice. We spent a few days together with our teens and life was good. We seemed to be on a good path. I then started thinking that I was happier because I was on my own and not because I was with her. I started pulling back because I started thinking back to how miserable we were and that maybe this refound connection was due to a false sense of happiness together. I started pulling back and made it clear that I wanted to continue dating other people.

I just wanted to make sure that my happiness wasn't coming from being alone and "single." Now, it get's messy. I met another woman who I really liked. I only went of a handful of dates with her, no sex or intimacy, but we conversed on text and we actually have a wonderful emotional relationship. My wife grew more suspicious because I was starting to push her away, even though I committed to trying for a year.

I then told my wife I had fallen for this other woman. Essentially, my wife told me I was throwing our 20 years down the toilet and our kids will not be happy with me. She begged me to stay, asked me pointed questions which I was truthful and not so truthful at the same time. I just wanted out. I made up things to try to make her push me away but it made her even more upset. She threatened to make life difficult on me if I didn't contact my new "girlfriend" and let her go. It was so bad and I was under so much duress, so I did it. It was cold and out of the blue. I had told the other woman that I was separated but I wanted out. Now she hears from me a very formal text after we had spent a few weeks of sharing fun and happy messages. Needless to say she was pissed. After that argument, I reached out to the woman and said I really wanted her but I had to put in an effort to try with my wife. After a day, I told her I missed her (i did) and that I was going to try to end it with my wife again. She warned me not to get her involved or break her heart. I assured her that I wanted her and I would break it off. Ok, history repeats itself. Big argument with my wife. She thought that I would try but I didn't. she begged to stay and I trying to hold my ground. It was emotionally charged to the point where I gave up and said I would try. Of course, my wife again made me tell the other woman that I was going to work on it with my wife. I did and now she wants nothing to do with me.

 

Now that I have lost the girl I liked, it freed me up to date my wife again. I told my wife that she has nothing to worry about because the other woman was out of the picture. I started having a change of heart back towards my wife but she is now feeling that she was my second choice and if the other woman were still around, I would be pursuing her. There is some truth to that because I was caught up in the dating world. I liked being free. Now my wife doesn't want me either and I am left with nothing.

 

So, moral of the story....probably not a good idea to date your wife and additional woman while separated. Even if you got permission to date to "try to see if I could find a better match." My advice to you reading this is Karma's a bitch. I should have communicated my actions and intentions throughout this process but I didn't Now I've lost two amazing women and quite frankly, just want to crawl into a ball in a corner. We haven't decided next steps yet. Anyone else ever put yourselves or been in this situation?

[Mr. Lucky]

My advice to you reading this is Karma's a bitch.

 

You're giving Karma a bad name. Sounds more like poor judgment, lack of boundaries and a sense of entitlement.

 

How could you think that allowing your wife to browbeat you into something you knew you weren't going to do and then lying to cover your lack of enthusiasm was a path to success? Doesn't really sound like you were present in either relationship so the results not exactly a surprise. I feel sorry for your kids, all the back and forth must have been tough on them.

 

So what's the plan from here? I've read your post twice and still have no ide what you want. I'd guess the people in your life are equally confused...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oyevey]

Kids have had no idea. Still going on. I like your comment that this gives karma a bad name since it was self inflicted. Not sure what I want and mind is in a fog but was curious if anyone had been through anything remotely similar.

[todreaminblue]

I am in a kinda similar situation....except im not really dating others atm.....i have dated others.....my ex and i have been split for nearly ten years we were together for fifteen we never married engaged for seven years of our relationship....he was with someone else for those ten years....havent seen him since...we split/....we talk often we have three girls together the youngest is eighteen this year,.,,,,,,now he wants to see me.....our relationship was always intense physically....that's why i moved interstate ...to make that new start on my own.....even though he says he wants to see where we go from here.....she split with him......and if she hadn't..

 

he would still be with her.....he still talks about her..what an amazing together woman she is....how they are always going to be friends....and it leaves me a little ...flat.....confused....sad.......i wasn't good enough...i am second best.....and i dont think eh sees that every time he talks about her ...that is how i feel....he admitted fi i had stayed where i was all those years ago he would have wanted to be with me again...i think this means sex for him .....and ....i would have become the mistress.....which isnt me at all..im not that girl....she was that girl .who broke up a family...this amazing beautiful stunning creature that she is.......i am not.....im just the woman who stuck by him good or bad......and loved him and was faithful...and gave him the best sex of his life..sex on tap...........sex he cant forget.....he left because this girl was part fo a social set of partiers and drinkers i wouldnt want to be a part of..not into flashing cash around....

 

...i will always come in second......and i have this really strong desire......to be number one.....i feel every woman does....want that...and honestly deserves to be.....i dont know if ill ever be any guys number one again..but i cant be number two...who would want to...i would have to be crazy to accept....maybe i am just crazy enough to try.......im hoping...im actually not crazy enough....deb

[road]

Married people do not date others.

 

 

Being separated is still married and the no dating still applies.

 

 

Why?

 

 

Because I have seen too many marriages have problems with recovery

because one or both of the spouses dated when separated. Just because

one cannot be sued for divorce because of adultery because they dated

when separated does not make it right.

 

 

If you have lived long and seen enough of life being legal does not always

make doing something right.

[Chilli]

ln my opinion the first thing you have to do is stay on your own and away from other women.

No excuses. Stay on your own and figure out how you feel about everything and how you feel about your wife.

And this is gonna take time, the true answers aren't something you can force l don't think.

Took me 3yrs and sometimes l'm still not sure.

Me l didn't wanna wind up hurting anyone else or rushing into something new and l wanted to work through my 20yrs with my ex mentally and come to terms with everything and get my head straight.

For me they needed to come to the surface naturally but l have seen some people almost force a solid decision and stick to it and either move on once and for all or try R again with ex.

 

Everyone seems to work through this stuff differently but for me new people too soon , probably rushed , falls apart a yr or two later and your in double sh@t mentally.

But hey , that's me.

[mikeylo]

Moral of story ? Bring on other women and see your wife exit. If you want your wife, then be the guy she wants. Will you be happy if she had done the same? After testing the waters with other women.. duh !

[aileD]

1. You toldyour wife you'd give her a year and you didn't. Your fault

 

2. You blamed your inability to leave on your wife's nagging you to stay-- your fault

[central]

Well, you and your wife did agree that you could both date. That's a bad idea if you are hoping time apart will help you get back together. Still, it was agreed.

 

 

Anyway, you have some experience with other women now, and probably have a better perspective on what is good and bad in your marriage. You haven't really had much time alone, so perhaps you should focus on that a while.

 

 

Anyway, the outcome of this separation should eventually be a decision to go all in on your marriage, or get all the way out. Either way, your kids will be fine as long as you stay closely involved with them.

[Miss Peach]

I'm in a similar situation. My BF was separated for a year when I met him. He told me they had agreed to date and that he was set on divorce and wanted it back when they separated actually. I've seen him have some issues standing up to her. He has since filed but I am not as emotionally present with him because I still don't trust completely whether he's rebounding.