Cheating?

[Lovesick.101]

Hey. So my bf and I have been dating for a year now. Last night I asked him for his cell phone password. I had no intention of going through his phone, just wanted to see his reaction but he was really hesitant to give it to me. He asked me why I need it and if im planning on going through his things.

 

Things sort of escalated once he started acting weird about giving me his password. I then asked to let me see who he talks to if he has nothing to hide. He refused.He said he has nothing to hide and that it's a matter of principle. He said he did not want to give me his phone because I was demanding it. Later that night he messaged, apologizing saying how he reacted in a manner that was wrong and he understands why I'm upset.

 

He sent me screenshots of the people he does talk to me. But im having a hard time believing anything he says because how do I know he did not delete anything ? Why send it to me now when he refused to let me see it in person ?

Edited March 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs added, two threads merged into CFJ, duplicate post deleted

[Larryville]

Me personally sharing my password has to do with the depth of the relationship. If I deep down feel like you are “long term” working toward forever relationship material sure. If you are the woman of the moment, I have no long term relationship ambitions with you… no

[CptInsano]

In my phone are communications between me and other people. These people have a reasonable expectation of privacy, meaning that they believe they are communicating with me and not somebody else, even if it's just uncle Cletus asking me about a funny rash.

 

So no, you wouldn't get my password, either. Your boyfriend may have a similar point of view.

 

Individual circumstances vary, also. I use my phone for work, so that discussion would be a non-starter. In fact, I could only tell you where I work, but not what I'm working on.

[ercolgemi]

@CptInsano: Couldn't agree more. I have literally signed NDAs (non-disclosure agreements) that I would be violating if I allowed someone else unrestricted access to my phone. I don't even have a password, but I don't have a girlfriend either - and if I did, I would not be okay with her looking through my phone for basically any reason outside of an emergency. In fact, if I got a girlfriend right now, one that I would entirely trust with everything, I would probably create a password for my previously unprotected smartphone. It's not about trusting her, it's about a healthy minimum amount of personal space and work issues.

[Larryville]

I use my phone for work, so that discussion would be a non-starter

 

I have literally signed NDAs (non-disclosure agreements) that I would be violating if I allowed someone else unrestricted access to my phone.

 

I had not even considered that...

 

I have a number of VIP contacts and their cronies on my phone. Absolutely No way a "girlfriend" gets access. I also have lots of notes and confidential material too. NO!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I wouldn't give out my password because I like to chat about my relationships with my close friends and ask for advice. I would be too embarrassed for the guy I am dating to see the level of detail and over-thinking I go into.

[mikeylo]

I'm married for a good number of years so it's different. We both have access to each Other's phones.

 

That said , I agree , just a gf or bf of a year , absolutely no. LTR , committed then yes.

[Rockdad]

For us we believe in respecting others personal things in our home. I have never looked through my wife's phone, journal, computer, purse, mail or anything else. She does not go through my things. I didn't allow my sons to even think about touching their brothers things or dad was getting involved.

 

Way to many problems start over passwords and snooping.

[Lovesick.101]

I don't want to go through his things. When I asked him for his password I had NO intention of going through his messages. My issue with all of this is why he reacted the way he did. Why was he SO skeptical about giving me his password? I totally understand the privacy thing as I wouldn't want him reading my conversations with my friends but I would not have reacted the way he did if he were to ask me for my phone.

[stillafool]

I would have reacted the same way he did if it was just someone I'm dating. I think playing games like "I just wanted to see what he would say" are silly and never get the response you are looking for. He's done nothing wrong and was nice to even apologize.

[Gaeta]

BF and I have been dating 15 months. If he asked me my password, or if I asked him his password, it would be the end of our relationship.

[BluesPower]

Yes he is cheating at some level...

 

Regardless of what everyone your age will say, it is not the case.

 

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

My GF knows I see other women, and she is welcome to look at my phone at all times. I have nothing to hide.

[smackie9]

I have been with my husband for over 27 years....I don't have his pw, nor do I look through his phone, monitor his social media, his computer, etc unless he gives me permission. I respect his privacy and I assume he respects mine. If I found out he was poking around in my stuff I would just lose it. IMO if you have to go through your SO phone or whatever, you shouldn't be in that relationship nor any other one if this is a habit.

[smackie9]

I don't want to go through his things. When I asked him for his password I had NO intention of going through his messages. My issue with all of this is why he reacted the way he did. Why was he SO skeptical about giving me his password? I totally understand the privacy thing as I wouldn't want him reading my conversations with my friends but I would not have reacted the way he did if he were to ask me for my phone.

In his eyes you were questioning his integrity as BF....he was offended, and insulted. man alive you are clueless......IMO you OWE him an apology.

[kendahke]

I have nothing to hide either, but my conversations with my friends and family are no one else's business. They didn't give their permission to let anyone else in on their business, so I can see why he was offended.

 

First nail in the coffin of this relationship... game playing surrounding his integrity. This was an unearned error on your part.

[WaitingForBardot]

Married for 30+ years and I have no use for my wife's passwords and the feeling is mutual. The one exception is on a few occasions when I've had to fix her computer, which I've done without looking at anything not required to solve the problem.

 

Both of us grew up in an era where there was a natural expectation of privacy.

[preraph]

I understand why this is a big issue. And I also suspect he is probably talking sex with someone online simply because so many men are. They seem to never be happy with what they've got live in the flesh at home enough to stop looking just in case they can land the big fish.

 

But that said, there are legitimate privacy concerns why you should not let anyone have your password. Let me give you an example of what happened with my best friend's husband on my PC private messaging one time years ago. This really made me mad.

 

So she and I private messaged some, chat online. One day I reached out and there she was and I shared some very private embarrassing details about something going on with me at the moment and she responded. I started sensing something was off and somehow ended up finding out it was her husband reading my private stuff and responding! She had not shared her password (well, she SAYS she hadn't) but she had not signed out, so he went on her chat. I was really hot about this. If I wanted to tell him personal private stuff, I would, but I don't and never will.

 

A similar thing happened with a stupid friend of mine who is completely stupid about computers and internet, etc. She's old like me, but much worse than anyone else I know about it. She kept the same Windows 95 computer for over a decade and she has this unemployed guy friend of hers do anything that needs to be done. He is dedicated to remaining unemployed all the years I've heard about him, like 15 years at least, and yet he has her convinced (because she's stupid) that he's a computer genius. So she entrusts him fully with her computer even though he has been after her for years to be more than a friend. Well, I found out HE had her password because he works on her computer. This means he is going on reading everything to see what she's up to. And that subject came up because she was puzzled by something he said and he kept mentioning me, who he has never met because I have avoided meeting him and told her no, I don't want to. He kept trying to talk to me on the phone. Now, mind you, I wrote her many details of my life and love life during this time. So I know he was reading that and then wanting to meet me.

 

I would call to talk to her and if he was over there, he'd make her give him the phone. It was that bad.

 

When I told her he must be reading her emails, she said she didn't care if he was because he was a good friend. I said, WELL, I CARE! Those e-mails are not for him to read. I was really angry with her about it. I had to stop sending her anything personal and just say "Want to do lunch?" and that's it.

 

So this isn't just about you. It's about the privacy of everyone he is talking to. You don't need his password. What you do need is to judge by his daily actions whether he seems committed to you and also by the pace you are moving forward with further commitment.

[CaliforniaGirl]

In his eyes you were questioning his integrity as BF....he was offended, and insulted. man alive you are clueless......IMO you OWE him an apology.

 

This is how I would take it (as the girlfriend, that is). I know I'm not doing anything shady, BUT am I literally open to the guy I'm dating - he can search through my communications like a cop or something? Does he also have automatic rights to track where I drive and to rifle through my underwear drawer, frowning in suspicious concentration?

 

My husband knows my PW on my phone simply because it's one I've used before and gave to him for other things, so I don't hide it from him, but at the same time he didn't go charging over to me, hand me the phone and demand the PW like it was his right or something. In fact, it went the other way around, probably...I'm pretty sure I remember, once or twice, asking him to check if a certain text came through from a doctor or teacher or something (can't remember the exact details now) and told him, "the PW is..."

 

But HE would not have asked. Because even as married people we have the right to SOME sort of privacy, not to do shady things but simply because we are human beings, we have some dignity, and we don't deserve to be policed.

[smackie9]

I understand why this is a big issue. And I also suspect he is probably talking sex with someone online simply because so many men are. They seem to never be happy with what they've got live in the flesh at home enough to stop looking just in case they can land the big fish.

 

But that said, there are legitimate privacy concerns why you should not let anyone have your password. Let me give you an example of what happened with my best friend's husband on my PC private messaging one time years ago. This really made me mad.

 

So she and I private messaged some, chat online. One day I reached out and there she was and I shared some very private embarrassing details about something going on with me at the moment and she responded. I started sensing something was off and somehow ended up finding out it was her husband reading my private stuff and responding! She had not shared her password (well, she SAYS she hadn't) but she had not signed out, so he went on her chat. I was really hot about this. If I wanted to tell him personal private stuff, I would, but I don't and never will.

 

A similar thing happened with a stupid friend of mine who is completely stupid about computers and internet, etc. She's old like me, but much worse than anyone else I know about it. She kept the same Windows 95 computer for over a decade and she has this unemployed guy friend of hers do anything that needs to be done. He is dedicated to remaining unemployed all the years I've heard about him, like 15 years at least, and yet he has her convinced (because she's stupid) that he's a computer genius. So she entrusts him fully with her computer even though he has been after her for years to be more than a friend. Well, I found out HE had her password because he works on her computer. This means he is going on reading everything to see what she's up to. And that subject came up because she was puzzled by something he said and he kept mentioning me, who he has never met because I have avoided meeting him and told her no, I don't want to. He kept trying to talk to me on the phone. Now, mind you, I wrote her many details of my life and love life during this time. So I know he was reading that and then wanting to meet me.

 

I would call to talk to her and if he was over there, he'd make her give him the phone. It was that bad.

 

When I told her he must be reading her emails, she said she didn't care if he was because he was a good friend. I said, WELL, I CARE! Those e-mails are not for him to read. I was really angry with her about it. I had to stop sending her anything personal and just say "Want to do lunch?" and that's it.

 

So this isn't just about you. It's about the privacy of everyone he is talking to. You don't need his password. What you do need is to judge by his daily actions whether he seems committed to you and also by the pace you are moving forward with further commitment.

Ewwwwww that guy makes my stomach churn! What a creepo!

[Jj66]

I would be hesitant to let my gf go through my phone and I'm definitely not cheating. I don't have anything to hide, but I'm not sure I want her peering into the dusty corners of my soul either. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Plus, how she going to interpret me bragging to my buddy about laying her in the second date, or complaining to him about the last time she lost it. Will she be offended? My point is that there is a lot more than conversations with other women that could make a guy not want to share his phone.

 

So do not immediately assume he's cheating just because he wouldn't show you his phone. If he is cheating there should be other evidence, always going in other rooms to text, leaving phone upside down, not answering calls when you are together, etc.

 

I can't imagine my gf asking to go through my phone. If she did, I really don't know how I would react. Would I consent to it and then later resent ithe intrusion? Or would I stand up for a principle and risk generating even more mistrust and insecurity? It's a hard call.

Edited March 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[kendahke]

This is no indication of cheating by any stretch of the imagination. You made a colossal miscalculation with him and he is rightfully offended that you've questioned his integrity and basically have called him a liar.

 

If you think he's cheating on you, break up with him because you've now given him a really solid reason for rethinking the wisdom in being with you. I wouldn't be surprised if from now on, he starts withdrawing.

 

As I said before--an unearned error on your part.

 

The people that I speak with on my phone have not given their permission for me to share their business with others, especially insecure boyfriends (which I would never allow in my life to begin with). You either trust me or you have to go.

[BluesPower]

I made a promise to myself a long time ago.

 

1) I would never cheat again.

2) Always be honest with the women that I date.

3) Never intentionally hurt another woman again.

 

So for me it is check my phone out at your own risk. Most of them want a don't ask don't tell policy, which is the way that I like it. But I will answer any question they want.

 

But I get that a lot of people don't feel that way. I just happen to not feel that way.

 

But OP's BF is being shady in my opinion, probably chatting up some second stringers...

[Jj66]

I made a promise to myself a long time ago.

 

1) I would never cheat again.

2) Always be honest with the women that I date.

3) Never intentionally hurt another woman again.

 

So for me it is check my phone out at your own risk. Most of them want a don't ask don't tell policy, which is the way that I like it. But I will answer any question they want.

 

But I get that a lot of people don't feel that way. I just happen to not feel that way.

 

But OP's BF is being shady in my opinion, probably chatting up some second stringers...

 

You are probably right about him being shady. But it's not the password refusal that makes him shady.

 

I think the fact that he sent the screen shots later is a big red flag. Would a person who was truly standing on principle with nothing to hide do this? I wouldn't. He wasn't ok with showing who he was talking to, then after getting a chance to scrub his phone he sends screen shots showing the information? What happened to those sacred principles?

[elaine567]

I think the shadiest thing he did was to send the no doubt "edited" screenshots of the people he talks to...

Classic diversionary tactic and now there is no need for you to ask to see his phone.... Hmmm

 

Why did you ask for his password in the first place? are you concerned that he is cheating on you?

Is he usually very protective of his phone? - first sign on this list.

Signs My Boyfriend Is Cheating on Me

[dumbass2]

I don't want to go through his things. When I asked him for his password I had NO intention of going through his messages. My issue with all of this is why he reacted the way he did. Why was he SO skeptical about giving me his password? I totally understand the privacy thing as I wouldn't want him reading my conversations with my friends but I would not have reacted the way he did if he were to ask me for my phone.

 

You were testing him and in your book he failed. Just by asking, you basically questioned his integrity. Does not matter what you were thinking. If I was just dating someone, this kind of "testing" would make me question if this is the right woman for me.