Staying Confident in Dating

[amkxoxo]

I’m trying so hard to stay confident. I’m 25, and have struggled with confidence and self-assuredness, after I had a relationship go very wrong years ago. The guy wasn’t sure about me, had me in a roller coaster of a situation, I should have left him, but I didn’t. He disappointed me and hurt me over and over again. It hit me hard and made me feel worthless. I struggle even now, years later with worth and myself.

 

I sometimes meet men and then start second guessing myself and getting in my head. Then because of this, I feel that they don’t get to know the real me, who is a person that I know is pretty lovable, quirky, and has a lot to offer. I wasn’t sure if anyone had any advice or help on focusing on the present moment, not getting ahead of yourself, feeling reassured even when you don’t know how the other person feels ? Also how to balance confidence and just be comfortable being yourself. I keep trying so hard to just be me, but I get so excited about liking someone new, a new guy in my life, and then my mind races with future and possibilities, and then I start to think I need to remind him how great I am and prove myself to him for him to like me. I almost feel like what I have isn’t good enough, so I have to try extra hard. I start to walk on eggshells trying to be someone I think he wants, instead of just being me. I know I shouldn’t do this, but I keep finding myself falling into this rut, even though I don’t want to. My job, apartment, friends, aren’t what makes a guy like you. Your personality, charm, and lifestyle values are what catches his eye. But I can’t seem to break this negative over analyzing and questioning cycle. I don’t want to constantly seek reassurance, I want to know.

 

I did date a guy last year and I was totally myself and confident. He got to know me. I walked away when things weren’t what I wanted. I had nothing to lose. I want that again, but with someone new. I keep meeting these great men whom are confident, attractive, and smart, and they intimidate me into my head, being a shy, unsure girl.

 

When I do try to be confident, I sometimes struggle with trying to be confident in myself, but it actually coming across as cocky. I am not a cocky person, but me trying so hard to be confident sometimes has me coming across as bragging about being so great and my accomplishments. I’m trying to reassure myself of my confidence and worth inside, and it comes across like that on the outside too. Any help or advice?

[monnieloves]

Hi. Don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a beautiful young lady who has lots of love to give the right person. I know what it feels like to feel inadequate when a relationship fails. I lost confidence in myself too. I was my own worst enemy. Trying to change myself to fit what I thought was someone else's idea of the perfect woman became exhausting. I decided to ask GOD to bring the right person in my life. This decision created in me confidence, peace, and love. I have a few friends who met their husbands in a church sponsored single's ministry. The right person will find you.

[todreaminblue]

i worry about this sometimes...i have low self esteem and sometimes even on this site...ill come across as cocky..im hoping i dont too often...because it isnt me at all...i am a bluffer..... i try to make myself feel better by remembering i can be awesome....I have been called some really horrible names ...ridiculed humiliated publicly and in private.......treated like crap...when i dont feel good enough .....i try to remember good things about me.....when i put myself down ill externalize my good points to silence the inner voices in my head telling me im a retard and i should shut up no one wants to know me........ill go harder..

 

and i might come across as cocky....

 

....my thoughts towards your post are.......you arent the only one...theres lots of people out in the world like this appear confident when they arent and it will come across as too self assured.... ......its ok to say your accomplishments.......its ok to be good at things....i failed an english test once......on purpose just so i wouldnt come first...she asked the class before she gave the test papers back......who do you think came first ....the class said debbie....and she goes no not this time......my paper was the last one handed out......i came last..i excelled as usual...failed too well.........the english teacher knew me ...i was so pleased with myself for failing..........she said to me after class deb do you think people will like you more if you play dumb.......i didnt answer her and she said you've got detention for a week and sent me to the school social worker.....when i joined the navy they pointed out my iq in the intake induction......so publicly...made em cringe.....and then asked me to be a red rope ...i declined to be different from anyone else..so refused leadership..i wanted to fit in feel like part of the group......i dotn want to stand out...leaves me open for ridicule and humiliation.......so i am one who will purposefully fail......and this....is more of a problem than admitting my success.....if theres food ...i let everyone go before me......i live under my potential.....i eat leftovers rather than dish myself what i deserve to eat......and this....is something i have to change....i cant be afraid to succeed......i cant be afraid to be who i am meant to be.....it isnt bad when i admit success.....and show confidence...i just have to find that balance.

 

therapy has helped me...as has talking to really enlightened honest thoughtful people.....where i can just be me..people who are accepting and arent the type to ridicule or humiliate ..when i feel threatened is when i try to bluff........and with guys...i look for that type of guy...thoughtful kind.........so i can relax and just let them know who i am.......and feel safe doing so....i am a disassociative person......i have more than one personality...so i dont know if i have helped you at all......i just want you to know you arent the only one and there are worse things than being a little cocky occasionally....i think fro em it happens when i am around people i dont really trust...so i have to put up a a personality that can deal with the girl on the inside who feels threatened and unsure....when i am around someone unkind or facing possible humiliation.....this happens.....

 

if i am around thoughtful kind and open minded people ...i just feel happy...and i dont feel i have to prove my worth to be among them....i dont mind sharing success or showing who i am .i relax into my own skin...and am happy in it.......however stuffed up that is..i still have inner voices tellign em as soon as anything negative si mentioned they are talkign about you.....you are this you are that.....and its confusing for me............even though i feel accepted...and dont have to try to be accepted.....maybe thats the same with you..and men.......you crave acceptance........i wish you well.........deb

Edited March 8, 2017 by todreaminblue

[d0nnivain]

Since you recognize it when you start to walk on eggshells, just stop. Remind yourself that he picked you & that you are worth dating. Then go back to being you.

 

 

Fake it 'til you make works too. If you act confident, eventually you will feel confident.

 

 

If you find yourself projecting too early but time limits on yourself. Until at least the 6 month mark & not even then, I rarely let myself project farther forward then the time we'd been together. After date 1 you can think about date 2, not whether you will have a date for NYEs or even a summer romance. At month 2 you can think 2 months ahead but no more. If you find yourself projecting, dial it back to no more than next week.