Another breakup, coping isn't any easier

[lylat333]

Hello all. I haven't posted in almost 3 years, but I'm having such a hard time coping right now. A girl I was seeing/staying with almost every day for 3-4 months broke up with me a few days ago. We lived an hour apart from each other.

 

I'm here because I feel I need someone to talk to. I've considered going to counseling, and am trying to do all the right things - but the breakup is still so fresh, I've been physically impaired, depressed, etc.

 

I try to remind myself - I've been through worse. First I was the dumper in a 6 1/2 year relationship. I was the dumpee in a 1 year relationship. Now I'm the dumpee in a shorter relationship, but with someone I feel I was much more compatible with, so it's very hurtful. Even though I was on the verge of ending it last week because I didn't like how things had spiraled down the past couple of weeks. Nothing serious, just seemed she had a shorter fuse and we started getting into it about things that had never been an issue before.

 

I've always taken breakups very hard. I feel so awful about this one, though. I always tried to treat her well, never did or said a mean-spirited thing, supportive. However, I have a lot of guilt and regret for not being more affectionate and not investing more into the relationship emotionally. Just last week, I didn't think it would hurt so bad if we were to breakup, I felt like I was doing what I could. Now, I just feel like it's all my fault. Is this normal?

 

I know all about NC, I've read countless threads here and on other sites, watched youtube videos, things like that. I've been conditioned to be able to jump into NC straight away if I start to see someone and it fizzles out. But... I couldn't do it in this case. I sent a fairly lengthy text the morning after, saying it was a great failure on my part to not be more loving and affectionate. I said I accepted the breakup ending. I told her I did away with our online ties, not out of anger or spite. I told her I had the rest of her belongings packed and was mailing them to her. I told her I couldn't remain in casual contact, and that since she made the decision to end the relationship I wouldn't initiate contact or anything further. She replied courteously a couple of times. I didn't expect her to after how cold she seemed when she said she didn't think it was going to work. She even said that she'd always be there for me, but that she was letting me go now. So 2 days of no contact so far.

 

I really don't expect her to ever contact me again. But I am so, so hurt. It all seems like a dream. The good and the bad. Any advice for coping, is any of this normal, managing expectations, etc. I know it's only 3 days in, but it feels like I'm never going to be normal/happy again. I don't want to go through another bout of months of depression.

[Zahara]

I'm sorry you're hurting. You sound like you've been there before and know the ropes. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think we often blame ourselves when things don't work even when there were already signs indicating that there were other circumstances possibly causing the demise of the relationship.

 

I take break-ups very hard too. I think most people do. I think the shorter ones tend to have had more impact on me. Probably because it never got a chance to play out.

 

NC is the best gift for now. Don't think about contact or how you may never have that with her. There will come a time when that line of thinking won't even matter. It's been only days and all you can do is go through this one minute, one hour and one day at a time. Only way past is through.

 

Keep posting. Grieve. Lean on your friends and family. Try not to isolate yourself. Give yourself a few days to stay in a puddle on the floor if you need to but don't stay there too long. At some point it takes willpower to get up and move.

 

You've been through heartbreak before. Every ending is painful. You know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. One small step at a time.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

I feel where you are coming from. My 1st ever relationship was nearly a year long and he was my very 1st love. I broke up w/him because the relationship was going sour, we weren't compatible. In my heart, he was the guy that I really loved and the next 3 months after the break up were very hard on me. I started dating again and got involved w/another guy for a month (about a year later), he ended up dumping me because he wasn't ready. Shortly after that I met my current ex online.

 

To start off w/, it was not a typical relationship. Not only did we start talking online, he was also far away from me. After going down and seeing him, I couldn't believe how strongly I felt for him. We texted and video chatted beforehand, so I knew he was real lol. Anyways we fell in love, but after he came over to my city to see me, he started talking about not being able to give me what I want, that I deserve better, he never expected to fall so hard etc. Me fed up w/lies from previous guys/friends, I outright asked him if he wanted to break up, he said no. When he went home, something had changed and eventually I gave him an ultimatum, I was sick of not receiving a basic amount of attention. Come to find out he was unhappy, had the lost the connection (something that's happened several times) and that he wanted to be single.

 

For some odd reason, this is hurting a lot more then I remember from my 1st relationship. Its not the fact that I am the dumpee this time, just feels like he discarded me like a piece of trash after I did so much for him. Idk how to explain it and we are in the same boat, Guess we need time and patience.

[lylat333]

Hello, all. I have an interesting update... I'll try to keep it brief. 6 hours after making this thread, she text me. She said she thought she made a mistake, and asked if we could talk that evening. She ended up visiting and had a long hand-written letter aimed at reconciliation.

 

We're back together. I really couldn't believe what happened. I've been through this all before and I figured this won't be any different - that I'd never hear from her. I was kicking myself over so much, it was nice to hear all the things she thought she could improve on. I still blamed myself for a lot.

 

It relieved all of the short-term pain I was feeling. I was so optimistic things would be better, and everything would go just great. All in all, things *have* been better. But, getting back together doesn't fix everything. There are still issues. There's a reason why people break up. Whether it seems to make sense or not... 2 people who are truly right for each other, shouldn't have to go through such things.

 

This spring, she'll be moving 8 hours away for grad school. Will I end up following as we've been hinting? I don't know for sure. I really, don't know what all to say and was hesitant to post again. At times this all feels so flimsy, and feeling could change a lot in a short amount of time.

 

Sometimes, I feel a sense of bitterness she could drop me as easily as she did. It makes me worry at times, it'll just happen again when I'm not expecting it. But like I said, all in all, things are better. It's hard to separate what's a figment of my imagination from reality. Ever since we've been back together, she's treated me very well. I can't think of anything very substantive she's done or said to make me regret giving things another chance. It's just I don't always *feel* the best. Part of that's just life, and human nature.

 

Most of us never get that chance at reconciliation, and that's why a lot of us are here, supporting each other. I've been there, believe me. My heartfelt advice is, if someone is making you feel bad, they're not worth it. Some videos I was listening to that started to make me feel better are by Mehran Dadbeh on YouTube. The first one that gave me a new way to look at things is titled, "How To Feel Better Psychologically After A Break Up, You Will Be Fine, I Will Prove It To You ! :)" Basically, the idea is - before someone enters your life, they're like a stone, among rows of other stones. It's the process of them entering your life, and part of that is *YOU* imparting yourself onto them, that gives them value. We can't see that value in partners-to-be because we haven't allowed that process to happen. Much love, all.

[DumpedGuy9617]

Ilovelifeforwhatcome -

 

I know exactly what you mean when you say, "I feel like I got dumped like a piece of trash after I did so much for him" I have learned that lesson the hard way several times. I seem attracted to people who have some sort of issue that needs dealing with, and I have a tendency to jump into things with them and try to help them. I am the definition of a fixer in relationships...and it totally backfires every time. These women all let me down softly and want to remain friends, and I usually end that by sending compulsive messages to them because I can't understand why they would reject someone who went out of their way to help them. I am coming to understand one of the reasons is that it starts to become what the relationship is founded on...when the problem ends or you don't make them feel good anymore (because they get used to it) they leave. It's super frustrating, but the moral is....I think....be casual with those types of people if you get involved at all. They need to solve their own problems before they can exist in a healthy relationship.

[EmilyJane]

Ilovelifeforwhatcome -

 

I know exactly what you mean when you say, "I feel like I got dumped like a piece of trash after I did so much for him" I have learned that lesson the hard way several times. I seem attracted to people who have some sort of issue that needs dealing with, and I have a tendency to jump into things with them and try to help them. I am the definition of a fixer in relationships...and it totally backfires every time. These women all let me down softly and want to remain friends, and I usually end that by sending compulsive messages to them because I can't understand why they would reject someone who went out of their way to help them. I am coming to understand one of the reasons is that it starts to become what the relationship is founded on...when the problem ends or you don't make them feel good anymore (because they get used to it) they leave. It's super frustrating, but the moral is....I think....be casual with those types of people if you get involved at all. They need to solve their own problems before they can exist in a healthy relationship.

 

I think they also founder because being the rescuer of wounded doves screws up the relationship dynamic. It becomes more parent child and that is not what makes sustainable healthy relationships. And because you're actually subsuming your own needs to "help" which means over time you are stressing the relationship more by never actually letting the ones who might be capable of it be your equal partner. Helpers aren't typically very good at asking for help or receiving support. And being the one who is always the "patient" in the relationship starts to feel a lot like not being loved or respected. Power imbalance

 

It's a really complex phenomenon isn't it? It's something I've struggled with for a long time - finding the healthy line between what is being a supportive partner and what is my very old (and greatly diminished) of helping people too much.

 

Honestly. Everyone has troubles and needs help in this day and age at some point and we all at one point or other wish that someone would just rescue us from something. So I'm not sure it's even possible to find someone to date that doesn't have anything. So I think you've mostly got to look to your responses to them and what you are getting out of being the rescuer. It sounds like part of it is you are trying to buy long term stable love that will not leave you with it - what do you think?