can't get over it

[JiltedJane]

Please be kind with any replies you may leave. I'm really hurting.

 

 

My bf of 9 months broke up with me out of the blue last august. we were perfectly fine, talked about the future, and then he came in out of no where and dumped me. his behavior was so out of the ordinary. a month before he was telling me how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, he wanted to be with me forever, etc. Then next thing I know he's telling me he doesn't love me.

 

 

I haven't heard from him since and its been 7 months. I have not reached out to him at all. I run into his friends all the time who tell me that he's hurting from the breakup (wtf hes hurting? he dumped me!).

 

 

The first 2.5 months I was a complete sh*t show. Overly depressed and drank way to much. Then I went through another 3 months of feeling indifferent towards everything. I even thought I was over him.

 

 

The last 1.5 months I've turned into a sh*t show again-just no drinking. I can't stop thinking about him and I cry at the drop of a hat. The thing is though I don't even want him back. I avoid any place I think i'll run into him, its always a coincidence that I see his friends. I accepted a long time ago that we're done and he's an *********.

 

 

The last seven months I've thrown myself into my work, my hobbies, started dating again, am looking into grad school, and have had such wonderful memories with my friends. There have been so many things that have made me happy and yet my heart weighs a ton from my grief.

 

 

We've been apart almost as long as we were together. Why am I again getting depressed over him?

[Bromeo]

Jane, welcome to the ever growing lonely hearts club. I'm sorry you are hurting, and the members here will provide guidance as best they can.

 

Let's take your post in small bites.

 

For context, I am 2 months nc after 6 months of breakup games from my ex, and I am processing through the end of her 18 month emotional roller coaster. So I understand the back and forth feelings.

 

Read my thread. You'll see me be fine, sad, reflective, resentful, and bitter. Sometimes in the same post. These emotions sweep through you, and you have to let them run their course.

 

Vent it out to your friend, here, and anywhere else as often as you need to.

 

Hearing that he is hurting isn't helping, most likely makes you want to reach out more. I don't need to hear mine is hurting, she isn't hurting bad enough to call. Lol

 

You've gotta cope without booze. I did it too, and at 38 it made things way worse. Now I cope with long runs, 5 miles or more.

 

I've also had the thought about being apart longer than together.

 

You are not alone. What do you think would give you some closure and peace?

[JiltedJane]

Idk, I just want to be over it completely already

[d0nnivain]

Healing isn't linear. Is this around the time you met? Did something trigger you?

 

 

After a while if I cried over a guy / relationship gone wrong, I'd try to talk myself out of it. I'd think this is one more set of healing cathartic tears designed to wash away the last vestiges of me caring.

 

 

What often helped me is making lists:

 

 

1. All the bad qualities about him

 

 

2. All the reasons we're not good together

 

 

3. All the reasons I'

m

better off without him / things I have time to do that I couldn't do when in a relationship.

 

Keep yourself active. Surround yourself with supportive friends & family. Hang in there.

[salparadise]

My bf of 9 months broke up with me out of the blue last august. we were perfectly fine, talked about the future, and then he came in out of no where and dumped me. his behavior was so out of the ordinary. a month before he was telling me how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, he wanted to be with me forever, etc. Then next thing I know he's telling me he doesn't love me.

 

Why am I again getting depressed over him?

 

I empathize with you and the awful pain a feeling person experiences when dealing with this kind of unexplained, unexpected breakup. I had a similar thing happen just over five weeks ago. I still feel similar pain every day, although the intensity has lessened somewhat since first few weeks. We were together a year and a half, never fought or argued, talked about a future together. I was in shock when it happened and still have feelings of sadness and hopelessness almost constantly, despite having come to a few realizations that have helped a little.

 

Whole, healthy people with functional emotions cannot turn off feelings like a light switch. The reason that you've experienced this heartache over so many months is that you love authentically and have fully integrated, functioning emotions. This is something you and I can be proud of. My ex-gf (and possibly your ex) ran a confidence scam of sorts on me –– encouraging me to invest completely while investing little to nothing herself. In hindsight I realize that she is devoid of the ability to attach to a significant other in a healthy, authentic way. Celebrate your vulnerability as a strength of character. Forgive yourself, experience the pain and grieve as much as you need. Forgive your ex too, for they can only dream of the joy that a truly loving relationship can bring, while you will be able to experience the joy of love again. Even though we loved and lost, we're still all the richer for having the capacity for depth that they will never know.

Edited March 8, 2017 by salparadise

[Altair0770]

You don't want to hear about pain or happiness or anything from an ex. If you run into his friends tell them not to speak to you about him. No updates, nothing.

 

I saw my ex was in extreme pain after breaking up with me. She ended it, and missed me a hell of a lot more than I missed her. I came back and made her incredibly happy. So much so she... started developing feelings for someone else.

 

No contact means no updates for a reason. You can also let your exes friends know that if he wants to contact you he can, unless you are dead set on getting over him rather than reconciliation. Often times when someone is so upset this long after breaking up with someone they have guilt and possibly regret, but have too much "pride" and too much of an ego to ask for a second chance, or straight up fear rejection.

 

I could be wrong though. I've never been the dumper unfortunately. Once I commit myself to you I'm committed until you leave.

[Simple Logic]

Your grief seems to be extraordinarily long lived. If you can honestly say you don't want him back, you are grieving no longer being in love. That is something only you can change.

[JiltedJane]

There was a nice 3 month period where I felt completely indifferent towards him and everything else. Now the last few weeks I'm an emotional wreck again and I don't know what caused it. I know my grief is too long. I am in therapy and was before I met him and during our relationship for other reasons.

 

 

Theres part of me that just wants to talk to him. I can't bring myself to do it though because he dumped me. I'm going crazy. I saw a picture of his brother and new fiancé on line (they started dating the same time as us) and I completely broke down.

 

 

I desperately want to get over him. I hate having him on my mind all the time. Its been 7 months no contact. I deactivated my facebook account. Blocked him and everyone else he knows on IG. I know theres something wrong with me

[JiltedJane]

Your grief seems to be extraordinarily long lived. If you can honestly say you don't want him back, you are grieving no longer being in love. That is something only you can change.

 

 

 

I'm grieving no longer being in love? Not him?