Do I need to make an issue out of this?

[StormyEyes]

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who say they are going to do something and then don't do it. I think this is mostly related to a childhood with an absentee father and then a husband who was always making promises and never following through or just doing the bare minimum he could get away with.

 

I am very sensitive to this and personally make every effort to do as I say, come up with a compromise, or say no if I know I can't do whatever is being asked. In my current relationship, I try to plan ahead and ask for help in a timely manner when I need it (a difficult thing for me to do, this asking for help business). So when I ask in advance and he says yes, I or we can do that, I expect that every attempt will be made to follow through. The problem is he often lets it slide and neglects to say anything until I am forced to say hey, what's going on, I thought you/we were going to do this. He apologizes profusely, says he owes me one, etc. But it bothers me. Normally he is kind, thoughtful, and respectful. But that only seems to be when he is left to his own devices.

 

This kind of behavior upsets me, especially the passive aggressive nature of it. Am I being overly sensitive or is this a problem? Some examples:

 

1. He has a bunch of car parts/boxes on the side of the house. I have asked him to clean them up. I gave him a two week window in which to do so. But it never got done. I reminded him twice, he said he would do it but then let it slide.

 

2. He had a bunch of tools in the garage sitting on the floor. The collection kept growing. I told him that they needed a home. He didn't do anything with them. After a few weeks I went out and got some shelving and went through it all and put it away. He came out and saw what I was doing and started putting everything in his car (passive aggressive?). I told him that having them there was fine, but they couldn't be on the floor. It is messy, not to mention dangerous. How do you get work done with everything in a pile? We actually had an argument about that one. Eventually he put the tools on the shelves. But now it is starting to creep out again. I told him he needed to get some more shelves. He said no, he just needs to clean it up. It hasn't gotten any better.

 

3. I asked him at lunch time if he would run errands and get dinner with me that evening. He had gotten off work early. He said yes and that he would finish his homework then work on his car until I got home. When I got home, he was working on the car. I assumed the homework was done but he hadn't started it yet. He never said specifically he wouldn't be able to go. He just kept working on the car until 7:30 when he came inside and said he felt sick and that he was so tired. He told me he owed me one. I left to go take care of what I needed to while he did his homework. I was not happy.

 

I don't want to think he is doing this on purpose. He is a disorganized/messy person by nature. I am not, though definitely not a neat freak either. I just like things tidy and on the minimalist side. I also don't think it is my job to take care of an adult man, or teach him things he should already know. He knows this is a problem. I don't want to nag him about it, but I can't live with the mess. We don't fight about much, about anything really. But I think this is important. Is it worth it? I can see him getting defensive and shutting down, or saying he will do better, but slacking off, like my ex husband and father, after a few weeks of appeasing me.

[Larryville]

I don't want to think he is doing this on purpose. He is a disorganized/messy person by nature. I am not, though definitely not a neat freak either. I just like things tidy and on the minimalist side. I also don't think it is my job to take care of an adult man, or teach him things he should already know. He knows this is a problem. I don't want to nag him about it, but I can't live with the mess. We don't fight about much, about anything really. But I think this is important. Is it worth it? I can see him getting defensive and shutting down, or saying he will do better, but slacking off, like my ex husband and father, after a few weeks of appeasing me.

 

First No nagging. Treating someone with disrespect is never a good option. Either the person honors what you say the first time you say it, or they don’t.

 

But prepare to either help him organize or just take responsibility because he won’t change.

 

In both my marriages I was the neat freak, and wanted things to be orderly and neat so I took responsibility for it. My wives did other things in the relationship that made up for their lack of neatness. You need to figure out your roles in the relationship because the bottom line is you picked him. Why?

 

You indicated that you picked another man like husband and father you said you can't live like this, so tell him straight up, change or you are out.

If you don't like your pattern, then change it.

[GoldSparkz]

It must be hard dealing with absenteeism in past relationships then having to deal with it all over again with your current partner. It sounds like you may be more compatible with someone who treats you as a priority and not an option.

 

I am no physiologist, but the men in your life follow a pattern of not being 'present' and more self focussed. Isn't it common for women to pick partners like their fathers?

 

I think it's time to stop the cycle and find someone who puts you first and isn't full of excuses every time you ask them to carry out simple favours.

[Rockdad]

This is how my wife handles your situation with her husband. She will ask or talk to me once what she needs or would like me to do. After some time period I will see her doing or attempting even if she is clearly unable to do it such as repair or build something.

 

I found this out early in our relationship. No nagging she just starts doing it herself. I questioned her about doing it and she told me there is something she lives by, "I wait on no man." Of course I felt lower than whale poop. Every once in a while I get to revisit that low feeling again.

[StormyEyes]

Thank you all for replying!

 

Larryville, I do not nag. I completely agree it is disrespectful in a loving relationship. I have offered to help with organization, he tells me he will take care of it. I've already dealt with the closet and garage, which he has gradually let slide again. At what point is it enough? These aren't regular household type chores, they are his personal belongings.

 

GoldSparkz, I have actually thought about going back to therapy. Relationships still perplex me. I think the demise of my own marriage taught me that they require effort, but most people seem happy to coast and do whatever is easiest. It is disheartening and makes those of us who do make the effort feel unappreciated.

 

Thanks Rockdad, I needed a laugh. I can relate. I generally live by "Wait for no man" to the point that my current partner has actually complained that he does not feel needed. So I feel like I am in a Catch-22. I don't want to set the precedent in our relationship, which is relatively new, that I will always pick up the slack. We both work full time, there are no children to care for, it is just us. I keep the house neat and clean, he needs to do his part.

 

The impression I am getting and what I am feeling, is that in ignoring me, he is disrespecting me. If I allow it to continue, I am turning myself in to a doormat. It is time to sit down and have a talk. Do I present it in the context that I am sensitive to this issue or do you think it is something that most people would have a problem with?

[BaileyB]

I can appreciate your frustration, because this issue really bothers me too. I once ended a friendship with someone who would always say "Yes, for sure I'll be there/do that..." And NEVER followed through! It's frustrating, I definitely understand.

 

Two things to consider...

1). You knew that he was messy before you married... It's not really fair to change the rules now. You made the decision to marry this man, despite his faults, so just try to remember that when you get frustrated. It would be reasonable to ask him to try and be more considerate about cleaning up, but it's not fair to expect people to change.

 

2). You don't have to spend much time on these boards to realize that if this is your biggest complaint about your husband, you are doing ok... Try to keep things in perspective. There are things to get upset about, and other things you can let go. Perhaps, there is something in this that you can graciously let go - respecting the fact that he is probably a good husband who works hard and loves you dearly. Just a gentle reminder... Try not to make mountains out of molehills...

[NTV]

How often does he ask you to do things like that?

[StormyEyes]

How often does he ask you to do things like that?

 

To clean up after myself? Never. I don't leave messes.

 

Bailey, we aren't married. I am trying to not make a big deal out of this, really. But it keeps piling up. He clearly knows he screwed up as he just showed up at my office with flowers apologizing again. We will talk when I get home.

[BaileyB]

To clean up after myself? Never. I don't leave messes.

 

Bailey, we aren't married. I am trying to not make a big deal out of this, really. But it keeps piling up. He clearly knows he screwed up as he just showed up at my office with flowers apologizing again. We will talk when I get home.

 

Sorry, I thought you were married. I wish you all the best with your talk.

[Larryville]

He clearly knows he screwed up as he just showed up at my office with flowers apologizing again.

 

Let me just say this… when a dude would rather piss away money by buying flowers instead of respecting you enough to alleviate or at least minimize what you have an issue with he ain’t changing, and he hope that by doing some BS superficial gesture it will either buy him time or hope you won’t care.

 

Frankly you need to dump his @$$, but hey some people have higher tolerances for BS.

 

Guys buying a woman/significant other/ wife flowers as a means of atoning for a mistake to me is a slap in the face… just a pretty one.

Edited March 9, 2017 by Larryville
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[elaine567]

Let me just say this… when a dude would rather piss away money by buying flowers instead of respecting you enough to alleviate or at least minimize what you have an issue with he ain’t changing, and he hope that by doing some BS superficial gesture it will either buy him time or hope you won’t care.

My thoughts exactly.

He should Have spent the time removing his car parts/boxes, clearing the garage floor and running errands instead of doing the easy thing and buying flowers.

Flowers need to be for special occasions and not just used as an "easy" apology.

[Sad Sarah]

Imho having to deal with a passive-aggressive person is crazy making.

 

You feel terrible for "calling him out", while desperately wishing he would just do as he says.

 

I bet you would be much happier if he told you, "no" he doesn't want to do something. Rather than saying yes and not following through.

 

That way you could talk about it, negotiate.. you know things you do in a loving/equal relationship . Instead you feel devalued that he can't even keep his word about the simple things?

 

You are not nuts. It's an insidious chronic type of abuse. Plain and simple.

 

I would recommend a good counsellor who is familar with handling this issue. Imho passive-aggressive personalities present very well, making it hard to unravel the issues. One of the reasons you are seeing the responses you are.

 

You are not upset because he's messy. You are upset because you are being abused. And confused because although it seems like "it's no big deal". your gut rightly knows it is.

 

It's not a deliberate choice of your partners to act the way he does. But he can deliberately choose to improve on it. Otherwise he is cheating himself and you out of a better relationship.

 

And if it continues it will get worse.

 

I am not saying you are perfect, in fact you may want to pick some bad habits of yours to work on 1) it will make you feel better 2) it will build your resiliency 3) it will make your partner happier.

 

But don't let this slide.

Edited March 9, 2017 by Sad Sarah

[todreaminblue]

This is how my wife handles your situation with her husband. She will ask or talk to me once what she needs or would like me to do. After some time period I will see her doing or attempting even if she is clearly unable to do it such as repair or build something.

 

I found this out early in our relationship. No nagging she just starts doing it herself. I questioned her about doing it and she told me there is something she lives by, "I wait on no man." Of course I felt lower than whale poop. Every once in a while I get to revisit that low feeling again.

 

love this..have said it once or twice myself....I WAIT ON NO MAN.......ill ask more than once but if it doesnt get done i do it myself.....i get tired of waiting and i hate nagging....normally what i have found when i start to struggle to do something by myself they step up and help me we get it done twice as fast...or i dont break my neck trying to reach something by standing on a chair which is helpful...and very positive.

 

i havent had people around to help me when the kids were young(my partner worked away( and i had to move a house....so i moved house in a shopping trolley...(the house was just down the road....a very busy main road.........i became ...inventive..luckily my fridge had wheels...i pushed it down the road........met my best friend moving a house in a shopping trolley.....we met one day and she was telling em this story about how she had seen a woman moving house in a shopping trolley..that woman was ...me..she said she can never get rid of the image of me struggling with this overloaded shopping trolley(pregnant by the way) trying to cross the road with a line of kids like ducks.... carrying things behind me.....smilin......life is too short to wait on a man....sometimes things move faster if you do them yourself......

 

 

men can sometimes suck at remembering.....that best friend i met...helped me move the next time aND my partner was working on a movie set......she had a car and could drive.....we moved my house together..she said to me no shopping trolley for you this time debs..i was so gratefull....awesome friend..luv her.....big heart..so lucky i met her...........doing things yourself can leave you with really sometimes funny.....failures.....and awesome memories.........deb

Edited March 9, 2017 by todreaminblue