bayguy4 Posted March 8, 2017 Share Posted March 8, 2017 So this one might come off as silly considering what others are going through here, but I just need someone to talk to or just to vent even. I haven't been doing a lot of dating the last few years, I was in a 5 year relationship that ended about 4 years ago. It wasn't a very healthy relationship by any means. Since then a few dates here or there but nothing worked out too well. A few weeks back through friends I'm (30M) given the number of someone (31F) interested in meeting me. So of course I call her up, why not right? and we hit it off right from the start. Talking lots getting to know each other, we agree to meet for coffee two days later. Before even meeting up she began texting me, which was a bit surprising for me at first but I thought why not go with the flow and it was great. We just kept talking and talking, we met for coffee and that went fantastic and we still kept talking. Similar views, both laughing at each others jokes, and so on. Fast forward to dinner two nights later and things are still going great. Great communication, laughing, even got the good night kiss. This night she opened up to me about being separated from her husband who left her from another woman. From that she explained how she wanted to take things slowly, which I respected, I wasn't looking for a one night stand. We kept seeing each other practically every second day and I thought things were going great. I'm usually more reserved and cautious due to past events of bad luck. The last night I saw her was a Friday, we went to dinner and back to my place. Watch some tv and a little light cuddling, no sex, take it slow right? When she left she seemed so happy, things were going great. After she got home she messaged that she was upset as she had an argument with her father (due to the separation she had to sell her house and move back in with her parents) but she didn't want to talk about. I didn't press any further. Saturday we each had our own plans, she went out with some friends and I went out with mine. Sunday is when it all changed, I asked her out for a drive and her response was that her gut feeling was to say no. That she didn't feel this way right up until now, that it wasn't pre thought but she no longer saw this going anywhere. That she wasn't really attracted to me and didn't want to drag this out. I was devastated. I thought things were going so well but clearly they weren't. We parted ways and haven't spoken since. Even as I write this I feel kind of silly, we only knew each other for a couple of weeks but I really fell for her. I liked her a lot. I've pretty much come to accept that she isn't going to contact me again, and I won't reach out no matter how badly I want to. She cut and run on me so I need to at least hold my dignity. But then there are days like today where I wake up and have this hope that she will reach out and say she was wrong. I keep feeling like I'm never going to be good enough for anyone. Keep looping in my head what I could have done different. I've never felt this much for someone I knew for such a short time, usually this will have passed by now but for some reason it's different this time. Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 I'm not sure how long ago she was separated, but I can tell you that being in your early 30s, having to handle your marriage falling apart, trust issues because you were cheated on, and moving back in with your parents is a LOT of significant change at once. She's probably not truly ready to date yet but was really hoping she was. When you're going through that much transition, you have good days and bad days and she probably met you when she was feeling a bit better, and you made her feel a bit more better, and then reality sunk in again. I'd try to steer clear and move on, because she has a lot of work to do, but try to take some comfort in the idea that it probably wasn't you. I've only dated one divorced person, but I learned a lot from it. Such as, after a year and some dates but no real relationships, he was still absolutely not ready. I got strung along for a while, but eventually got over it. It took him a total of 4 years to be in a place that he could have a serious relationship, and while he is in one now it by no means sounds like a perfect situation. Their issues followed them. Timing is a thing -- take this from someone who blames themselves way too much for every breakup! Also, take the good away from this: you found someone you felt a connection with after a long time without one. You're still capable of feeling one, but it can be a numbers game out there, so when you're recovered and ready... keep trying! -J 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 You were a rebound. Better stay away from that 1 Link to post Share on other sites
divegrl Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 Hi! I was 33 when my husband had an affair and left me for the other woman. I had to move back in with my parents..... so I think I can relate to your ex! It took me 2 years, 2 YEARS, to heal from this trauma. As the above poster said her ability to trust is gone, her sense of self is completely shattered and she will be experiencing deep emotional pain for a long time! Trust me when I say she has no clue what she wants.... and will be blowing hot/cold as a result. You did nothing wrong and could not have done anything differently to change the outcome. She was not ready emotionally or mentally to start a healthy relationship. You sound like a wonderful man and you will find a woman who will respect and love you! Good luck my friend! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loveiswar101 Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 I poop you not. Just gone through the same thing but only difference was my neediness and chasing in the end that probably didn't help. Mine lasted a lot longer though thinking things would work out, until I got a text saying I not up for dating you or anyone. Since then nothing. I look back, when together we had fun, I totally got on with her kids and believed they became fond of me. Picked them up from school, took them to gymnastics, tried to help out when could. She'd seperated and moved a state to be closer to her family. She text me what a tosser he was ad this that, id listen try and put her in a better spot. But over time I fell for her, hard. I don't think I could be more nice helpful and entertaining to her, but I was not the one and wish she told me at the start. I think I was good company for her WHEN needed. Now she feels better I think about herself Im surplus to requirements. Just my thoughts but who knows. Roll onto today. Lesson learned, Don't date someone who has more baggage than you and we all have baggage. But with each day of NC i feel better, even to a point today of chatting to someone on a dating site. Listen time will heal, Im taking a guess but if got on as you say your hear something a some point. Just be prepared. It will be your choice, you will have the power to either try again or not. I wish you well just look after you, sometimes there is oneout there that just gets us. In this case and like mine, this is the one and it may take longer for it to dissolve over time but it will Link to post Share on other sites
loveiswar101 Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 (edited) Time heals.. Edited March 14, 2017 by loveiswar101 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bayguy4 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 Hi Everyone, I just wanted to say thank you for your kind words, views, and for sharing your stories. I hadn't logged in for a while but today was a good day to check in. Sometimes looking at things from a different angle really help. I didn't really add it up but all of those challenges with separation in the last year and a half or so really could have contributed to things turning out the way they did. It's a shame things turned out the way they did but there's not much I can change at this point, I've mostly given up on the hope of hearing from her again. As much as I would like to hear from her I need to accept that either I'm just not what she is looking for or she isn't sure what she is looking for... Thing is, with her baggage I was open to it, not to be some White Knight but to be there for her on the bad days. Lord knows we all have our baggage, I've got plenty. It's so messed up but part of me just doesn't want to let this one go, even though I know I should. Thanks again to you all for your kind words and for sharing, and I'm sorry that each of you had to go through such painful experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
loveiswar101 Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Good for you for seeing the light a little. keep moving forward. Please don't contact her again you will only take the top off the scab. I did this for a whole damn year before I finally have realised she wasn't interested, just needed someone to talk to and pass on her worries when bored and now she is sorted in life better im not needed lol. If she contacts you think hard before or if you reply. Most of all take a step back from the contact and think hard on where you are and where you want to be if you communicate with her again. Best wishes my friend. As say 'always forward'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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