My Affair + SO PPD = Divorce?

[waterwoman]

aileD, I hope you never have to go through what some people have when it comes to a depressive SO. I admit my weaknesses and failures, and while this may sounds selfish, unless you've been there you cannot imagine the toll a depressive SO puts on your soul. Eventually you must get out or you seek an outlet elsewhere. I found an outlet, it was wrong, but it happened. Easy on the judgement....

 

I hope YOU never have to go through what some people have when it comes to BEING a depressive. You have no idea of what she has been through! None at all or you would be a lot kinder and more understanding. 'Getting help' and addressing your issues is so hard when you are really depressed - hell, getting out of bed can seem impossible.

 

How did you choose to deal with this horrific situation? You cheated for 2 years. Does that not seem a really bad choice? Not to mention selfish.

 

You have been incredibly cruel to her - right now she 'knows' something is wrong, she even told you she knows - but you won't admit it.

 

Either:

 

1. Stop the affair at once, go NC, carry on with the MC and tell your wife the truth.

2. Divorce your wife, tell her about the affair and apologise. If you leave her without the truth she will believe it's all her fault and it simply isn't.

 

I've been where your wife is - thankfully not so extreme - and it is hell. My beloved DD has recently been diagnosed with depression (there is a genetic component) and it breaks my heart. It would break it even more to think she might end up with someone who behaves like you.

[BluesPower]

Look I don't justify his affair in any way.

 

But, here is the deal. Those of you that had gotten better with your depression or whatever illness may have had help, but you put the work in to get better.

 

I have lived the other side where the spouse is not trying to help herself no matter what you do. And I tried everything, and I mean everything to help her get better and to no avail. I wasted the best years of my life trying to help someone with depression and drug addiction and it was the worst decision that I have ever made, except, marrying her.

 

You have to cut the cord at some point and save yourself.

[BTDT2012]

I intended the separation to be a time period of reflection and attempting to reconcile if I felt the "spark" was still there.

Did you end the affair? Go NC with the AP? If you didn't, you weren't really attempting to reconcile.

[Try]

He was basically saying that he wasn't OK with his life changing because of my medical condition, so therefore he was justified in having an affair. But as soon as he made these statements, his confidence in his own righteousness deflated as I pointed out how ridiculous they were. He had woven a tapestry of justifications but tugging on the slightest string made it unravel.

This is why the OP does not want to tell his wife about the affair. If he told his wife about the affair and the reasons he felt justified in having the affair, she would have the chance to do what you did and "point out how ridiculous they were," and expose the fact that "He had woven a tapestry of justifications but tugging on the slightest string made it unravel".

[wmacbride]

Look I don't justify his affair in any way.

 

But, here is the deal. Those of you that had gotten better with your depression or whatever illness may have had help, but you put the work in to get better.

 

I have lived the other side where the spouse is not trying to help herself no matter what you do. And I tried everything, and I mean everything to help her get better and to no avail. I wasted the best years of my life trying to help someone with depression and drug addiction and it was the worst decision that I have ever made, except, marrying her.

 

You have to cut the cord at some point and save yourself.

 

.

You say the op's affair is not justified, but then you go on to justify it.

 

What the op has done is invite another woman into his family, without their permission or even the knowledge that he has done so. He is expecting his wife, son, extended family and friends to pay the price for his desire to go outside his marriage. Not only that, his already fragile wife has asked him if he's cheating, and he lied. he was too much of a coward to be honest.

 

He doesn't know how his ow is going to act, or what she'll do to his wife if she gets angry at him. While most ow aren't going to engage in harassment, stalking or physical harm to his wife, the chance is there, and he is causing her to assume that risk.

 

I agree with you that staying in a miserable marriage isn't good for anyone, but there is a big difference between asking for a divorce and cheating. The op had choices to make. He chose to have an affair. No one forced him, no one held a gun to his head and the only one responsible for that choice is him. The fallout from his choices is on him, and the sooner he accepts that and examines his own behavior and decision making, the better off he's going to be.

[Whoknew30]

PPD is a medical condition that your wife suffers from though no fault of your own. A PA is a choice you made to bring a third party sexually into your marriage without your wife's knowledge or consent. They are not equivalents, nor, as you hope we will agree, is your wife's inability to recognize that there was help for her problem somehow worse than your betrayal.

 

If you, as an outsider not suffering from PPD, are unable to recognize that it's a disease and not a choice or flaw, then it seems pretty unfair to expect the person suffering from it to see it more clearly than you do.

 

I can relate to an extent to your story. Pregnancy caused me to develop or worsen a health condition causing fatigue, difficulty performing everyday tasks, etc. It is this nebulous thing that I see many specialists for -- cardiologist, nephrologist, naturopath, acupuncturist, endocrinologist . . . It wasn't for lack of trying or caring that I remain sick.

 

My husband had an affair too. On DD when I found out, he exploded with this list of all the reasons he was unhappy . . . I didn't walk around town with him any more, I didn't have energy to do family stuff, etc. See, I blamed myself for being sick and not trying hard enough to be well, so he did too.

 

He was basically saying that he wasn't OK with his life changing because of my medical condition, so therefore he was justified in having an affair. But as soon as he made these statements, his confidence in his own righteousness deflated as I pointed out how ridiculous they were. He had woven a tapestry of justifications but tugging on the slightest string made it unravel.

 

The main difference in our stories is that even though my husband was gaga for the OW and sure that I was some dope he was justified in cheating on, he was never willing to get a divorce because it would mean less time with our children. I read the email where he explained this to the OW early on. Likewise, I believe that the parents of young children should try their best to reconcile if a happy and healthy marriage is still possible. Happily for us, it was.

 

No one says you have to stay married if you are unhappy, but since you were happy before your wife came down with depression, it seems a shame you have done so much to damage your chances of a nuclear family unit for your child.

 

Let me save you the trouble of thinking any of your justifications are going to sound convincing to your wife and family and friends once they find out about the physical affair . . . they aren't. Clearly you thought there'd be a chorus of, "Yeah man, YOLO, your wife should have self-diagnosed and gotten treatment sooner, so basically she destroyed the marriage and your affair is neither here nor there," but that's simply not the case. You took something that wasn't her fault and that she needed your support for and turned it into a reason to disrespect, betray, and hurt her.

 

No PPD is not a woman's fault but it she can drink & go out but not get to a therapist, that screams she didn't lose her capability of functioning...& if one has the strength to try & feel better by putting drinks up to their mouth & or leave the house, then they sure have enough strength to get themselves into a medical office for treatment.

 

The A is wrong but chastising a person bc their spouse refused to get help for something is completely wrong. So maybe you couldn't find a way to help yourself but she wouldn't go to IC when he was...that is not his fault & very understandably would cause major relationship issues...also this is coming from a girl that was immobile for years bc of pregnancy complications.

 

My H & I had A bc of our relationship break down due to my sickness...it's more common than it's not. Also for the time his W wasn't going to seek out help, where was her worry for the child?

 

I worked in mental health & had plenty of women seek out help to be better for their kids...even in cases where they were having thoughts of hurting their kids. She holds responsiblilty for not getting treatment for so long, not for his A...but refusing to get treatment for something that's treatable while married & with a child is also not being a good wife or mother & him having an A does not take that blame from her either.

 

They both own blame for the relationship breaking down.PPD doesn't give a pass to behave how one wants & then say "well I can't help it" & im going to sit & not even try to help myself...that's just ridiculous.

[waterwoman]

No PPD is not a woman's fault but it she can drink & go out but not get to a therapist, that screams she didn't lose her capability of functioning...& if one has the strength to try & feel better by putting drinks up to their mouth & or leave the house, then they sure have enough strength to get themselves into a medical office for treatment.

 

......

 

They both own blame for the relationship breaking down.PPD doesn't give a pass to behave how one wants & then say "well I can't help it" & im going to sit & not even try to help myself...that's just ridiculous.

 

 

A glass of wine is an easy way to feel better quickly. It's hardly an effort! Of course it happens to be a really bad way to deal with depression but it can seem an easy fix.

 

And she did try - she saw a counsellor and eventually got diagnosed. And even then her H wasn't happy with her. Any mental illness can take a long time to pinpoint and treat and each attempt can feel like climbing a mountain to a depressive.

 

Of course they are both to blame - but depression is a complete bastard - you are sapped of will and energy at the very point when you need it most.

 

I don't downplay how difficult it is to be with someone with depression but believe me it's harder to be the depressive.

[BluesPower]

I go on to say that if the person will not get help you cannot fix them.

 

Get out of the marriage.

 

That is what I said. Read again...

[goodyblue]

I don't believe you waste your life being unhappy. Sure, there are ups and downs in a R but if things don't get better, why be miserable? you can't fix her. If she isn't willing to fix herself, what's the point?

 

My M began as an A and you sound just like my H sounded. It was over and he was done, it just took him a little while to Figure things out and then he left.

 

Everyone is right, A's are wrong, but that is done. Don't waste any more time in a dead M. Good luck.

[Simple Logic]

Look I don't justify his affair in any way.

 

But, here is the deal. Those of you that had gotten better with your depression or whatever illness may have had help, but you put the work in to get better.

 

I have lived the other side where the spouse is not trying to help herself no matter what you do. And I tried everything, and I mean everything to help her get better and to no avail. I wasted the best years of my life trying to help someone with depression and drug addiction and it was the worst decision that I have ever made, except, marrying her.

 

You have to cut the cord at some point and save yourself.

 

Unique wedding vows. "In sickness and health, Until death do us part or until I realize I am missing the best years of my life and need to cut the cord."

[Try]

I go on to say that if the person will not get help you cannot fix them.

 

Get out of the marriage.

The OP's wife did get help and eventual treatment rather quickly as these things go, but the OP only waited 18 months before giving up on the marriage and having an affair with a woman that he had been attracted to (and she attracted to him) for years. It is normal for a person suffering from mental issues to deny there is an issue before eventually recognizing it and seeking treatment, and it is common for it to take a few of years for these things to get diagnosed and treated. The OP's short 18 month timeline before giving up on his wife, might have been extended to meet the wife's timeline had the OP not had a willing affair partner waiting in the wings, ready to make a move when the marriage had issues.

 

During my many years of marriage, there were a few years that due to my wife's medial conditions, my marriage was difficult and my needs were not met. But that time has passed and our marriage is back on track, and no I did not use it as an excuse to have an affair 18 months into it. But then again, I took my vows of "in sickness and in health" seriously. Better yet, I think that my wife would do the same thing for me if the shoe were on the other foot. Marriage is all about being there for the other in not just the good times.

[BluesPower]

Unique wedding vows. "In sickness and health, Until death do us part or until I realize I am missing the best years of my life and need to cut the cord."

 

Listen guys... All of us are allowed to have our opinions you and me.

 

I am just telling you that as someone who did this for 26 years that I wasted at least 15 years of my life. She never got better. And because I was the sole bread winner, raised 3 kids by myself, and took care of her, I eventually had a stroke.

 

I literally almost killed myself fulfilling those very vows that you are quoting.

 

And I still say that if they will not help themselves, you cannot help them...

[Try]

I am just telling you that as someone who did this for 26 years that I wasted at least 15 years of my life. She never got better. And because I was the sole bread winner, raised 3 kids by myself, and took care of her, I eventually had a stroke.

 

I literally almost killed myself fulfilling those very vows that you are quoting.

 

And I still say that if they will not help themselves, you cannot help them...

I hear you. 26 years is a very long time, but with the OP we are not talking about 26 years, we are talking about 18 months. There is a very big difference between 26 years and the OP's 18 months. If your wife got better after 2 to 3 years, I am guessing that you would feel differently about your marriage. The fact that you did what you did for so many years is a testament to the type of person that you are. Edited March 9, 2017 by Try

[merrmeade]

I think it's completely amusing that anyone would tell you that your therapist is wrong about telling her...don't listen to that. A jaded BS advice should NOT come before a professional that knows your complete situation!

And I respectfully disagree that it's inappropriate to say this it is capricious or whatever to urge someone to change therapists. I know from personal experience there are therapists whose approaches to different issues involved in infidelity vary a lot. And even if I didn't have that experience, people change healthcare providers for all kinds of reasons:

 

!st, it's been said probably hundreds of times in this forum not to hesitate to change therapists if you feel something is not working. Granted, the hesitation is mine (and others) but just saying that's one reason to change.

 

2nd point is that healthcare professionals don't all have the same approach, emphasis, or priorities. They disagree all the time on the interpretation and/or application of certain findings and studies.

 

3rd, for that reason — because their approaches vary — people change physical therapists, GPs, psychiatrists or other specialists for all kinds of reasons. Vegetarians prefer a doctor that doesn't believe they must eat meat their diet. Women change obstetricians because they don't want pharmaceutical intervention giving birth. I changed pediatricians when one told me to stop breastfeeding to clear up my infant son's diarrhea. I interviewed 3-5 psychologists after dDay. They varied incredibly in what they thought I should do at that point. One wanted us to split up for a few months. Another MC said in the first interview he'd help us find out what was wrong with the marriage to cause WH to have an affair. Etc.

 

I'd never stay with therapist who encouraged me to lie or keep something from my spouse. Granted there could be an individual reasons why a couple shouldn't be completely honest, for example, my brother's paralysis.

 

Just sayin....

[HangnTN]

A dilemma is a situation where the only decisions to be made are between unacceptable/unattractive alternatives.

 

Advice might help the OP choose from the least of the bad alternatives. Judgmental comments probably won't help.

 

(EDIT: To clarify, not talking about post by Merrmeade.)

Edited March 9, 2017 by HangnTN
Clarification

[Starswillshine]

I have to wonder if the BS stayed "stuck" due to OP's affair

She had no proof, yet suspected. I am certain that she was feeling the effects of that long before he "admitted" to an EA. Further lying and betraying will only make her depression worse. Make her feel even more crazy. Point blank... she will not get better as long as the affair is happening and he continues to lie to her. Frankly, OP, while you may not have been the initial cause of her depression, you have a LARGE responsibility in it. And when she can't cope... YOU can't deal with her? Cowardly. IMO.

[Starswillshine]

But it's all OK because everyone deserves to be happy even at the cost of other people you purportedly love.

[somanymistakes]

Sometimes there are no good options and people are going to suffer no matter what. In those circumstances you have to weigh things and try to decide what matters most to you.

 

I find it hard to imagine that a therapist would tell you to keep the secret unless either they had reason to think either that it would push your wife over the brink into risk of harming herself/others, or they believed your wife had no idea an affair was happening. If she already suspects, you're not making things easier for her by hiding the truth, that seems likely to make her MORE miserable and paranoid as she wonders if she's just seeing things. Letting her know that she's completely right would at least validate her judgment.

 

Also, even if you do divorce, you still have moral (and some legal) responsibilities here, to her as well as to the child. I don't think a person should stay in an unhappy marriage forever, but you shouldn't just walk away from someone you made promises to and wash your hands of it.

[Rouik]

Love is a choice not a feeling, we all at times don't feel like we love those close to us but we choose to anyway. I get it, it was hard with her problems and you made a bad choice, now you need to make the right one. It took you leaving to snap her out of it enough to truly seek help, and as you mentioned she took care of your baby so she always cared but was trapped by her problems. Now is the time to ditch the other woman and be the husband you vowed to be. she wants to get help so help her. Be the foundation for her and your child, be the rock your family leans on. The past is the past, start new today and move forward from here, but you cant do that while having any contact with the other woman. Good luck and best wishes.

[Popsicle]

I would never stay with someone who was chronically depressed and it showed. Get yourself together! That said, I don't think the OP has given his wife enough time to get together. Hell, they have a 2 yo, that alone can cause depression. Lol

[Simple Logic]

Listen guys... All of us are allowed to have our opinions you and me.

 

I am just telling you that as someone who did this for 26 years that I wasted at least 15 years of my life. She never got better. And because I was the sole bread winner, raised 3 kids by myself, and took care of her, I eventually had a stroke.

 

I literally almost killed myself fulfilling those very vows that you are quoting.

 

And I still say that if they will not help themselves, you cannot help them...

 

Read the OP's post again. He opted out in 18 months. No one can claim they lost the best years of their life in 18 months.

[wmacbride]

I know there is no a consensus on this, but I do see cheating on your spouse as a form of abuse, especially when they ask about it and you lie.

 

Would people be so accepting of him abusing her physically or verbally because he was having trouble coping with her mental illness? I wouldn't think they would be.

 

I really do wonder why, if the bs in this situation is as far gone as the op implies, he feels it's safe to leave their toddler son alone with her. This makes me wonder if the complete story is being told. I'm not saying he's lying, but just as in any situation, there are two sides tot h story, and due tot he nature of an online forum, we aren't hearing hers.

[Try]

She had no proof, yet suspected. I am certain that she was feeling the effects of that long before he "admitted" to an EA. Further lying and betraying will only make her depression worse. Make her feel even more crazy.

The change in the way a cheater acts with their spouse is almost always noticed by the spouse. They may not know why, but they do know that there is a change in their relationship. Add in the fact that the OP's affair partner was supposedly a friend of the wife, and you have additional relationship changes that the wife notices.

 

In the famous movie "Gaslight" the husband, along with co-conspirators, tell the wife that things that she is noticing are all in her head, and get her to question her own judgment as she begins to think that she is going crazy, when in fact she is not. In the OP's case, he and his affair partner have conspired against her in lying to her as they deny the affair, and have been in effect telling her that she is crazy to think that they are. They have been consciously or unconsciously taking advantage of the fact that during her current mental condition, she will more readily question her own judgment when they deny the affair. This has most definitely had a negative impact on her recovery.

Edited March 10, 2017 by Try

[Jooles]

I agree that telling your wife of the affair would be more about easing your conscience and less about what is helpful for her.

 

Depression is horrible-it not only robs those that suffer from it, but their family as well.

 

I believe you made a mistake, and were weak and narcissistic for cheating. However, everyone makes mistakes in life. You cannot undo it. It appears you are no longer in love with your wife. It is possible that you may not have really known her. If your bond had been stronger and you felt real love for each other then perhaps that would have carried you through these rough times. (I know my man would stand by me, no matter what I was going through)

 

My advice is to end the affair and very gently tell your wife that it would be best to divorce. Blame it on your own shortcomings and be a supportive ex and coparent. Hopefully you can both move on and have meaningful lives.

[Birdies]

Damn dude. Take some freaking responsibility for things. I say that as someone who coped with my marital problems (which were mostly due to my husband's untreated depression) by having an affair as well.

 

It sounds like you don't love her and don't care to try to get back in love. So time to call a spade a spade and end it. But be a decent person and admit that your affair probably had a LOT to due with your marital discord, just as her depression did as well.