Wife wants Divorce

[organix]

Hi All,

 

I have been reading through your posts and most have provided insightful information. The news struck me that my wife was unhappy at the beginning of February and she said she thinks she wants a divorce (obvious she had been contemplating it for quite some time). We have been together for 8 years going on 5 years of marriage. We had a fantastic marriage until last year ( as she said we grew apart ). I am still heartbroken. I immediately tried to seek out a divorce group and went that week and have been going ever since. We have had many talks since them and all have been cordial with a bit of laughter. Here is what I have found out since then:

 

- The night we got into the final argument I checked the phone bill and found that she texted one of her ex's in the wee hours of the morning and she has still been texting him to this day. They didn't work out but were friends for two years after the break up. I have been mature about it in a sense that I can only control myself and I have to take the attention off of her.

 

- I began and finished reading divorce remedy and began doing the steps to better myself and to do the 180. She has slowly started to approach me again, however I know that she is still talking with the other dude and is still discussing the divorce with me.

 

- We are still living together and are making preparations to sell the house. She has already been looking at places to rent and I houses for after the move.

 

- I have been going out a lot with friends and doing random activities on weeknight and staying places on weekends I feel exhausted most of the time even-though i am trying to act content with her decision, she already has one foot out the door.

 

I dont want to give up but should I be getting the paper work ready for the divorce as she seems to not be getting it? I am a til death do us part guy so I take the commitment very seriously, but am trying to focus on myself more so that I feel better when this is over.

 

Any advice would be helpful as my mind is like a roller coaster of emotions even though I am trying to remain strong.

[montie1]

I know nothing about marriages and long term relationships. But I'm sorry this has happened to you. Happens to a lot of people. Seems as if your wife us unfulfilled and in a way has cheated on you.

 

That's a lot to take but do what your doing and try to not isolate yourself. Best thing for you might be to not consider till death do us part but a divorce. She's come out and told you straight she isn't happy so what can you do. You can try to make things work but it might practically be milking a dead cow.

 

Be sensible but also keep your emotions in tact. For all knows if she gotten the chance she may have cheated on you. All the best man. Take care.

[oyevey]

If she's texting her ex in the wee hours of the morning, that's not just a friend. She's checked out. Sounds like you are invested but have room to make a clean break as painful as that sounds.

 

Good lucK!

[organix]

Thanks guys. I am confident that she didn't physically cheat, if she did it was emotional over the past year. After our final argument is when she first texted him. I know him as well and am not threatened by him. We did grow apart over the past year, just getting caught up in things we needed to do, work etc hobbies changing. Guess all I can do is be a good husband, until the papers are filed, and continue to improve myself. Like they say, if it's meant to be it will be.

[DKT3]

Doubtful it was when she started contact with him, more like she got less careful in doing so.

 

In understanding the cheater playbook, it's extremely likely your wife isn't as interested in divorce as she is creating distance so she can carry on with this other guy.

 

Second option, she has never really let go of the past relationship and saved a place for him. Now the opportunity presented itself. Never the less.

 

You are doing the right thing, I would move forward with the divorce, it's a long process and can be stopped at any time.

 

As you said, you can only control your self, but you don't have to be married to or wait on a woman who chose to engage with another man instead of you. Make no mistake, there is nothing platonic about long conversations in the last night early morning.

[Marc878]

Thanks guys. I am confident that she didn't physically cheat, if she did it was emotional over the past year. After our final argument is when she first texted him. I know him as well and am not threatened by him. We did grow apart over the past year, just getting caught up in things we needed to do, work etc hobbies changing. Guess all I can do is be a good husband, until the papers are filed, and continue to improve myself. Like they say, if it's meant to be it will be.

 

"We're just friends" is the biggest lie told. An emotional affair is cheating and can suck the life out of a marriage.

 

I don't think you know, fully understand or the depth of what you're dealing with.

 

You won't be the first or last. Most people in your situation are in denial of what's happening.

 

You want the full truth do a deleted text recovery on her phone.

[Marc878]

Ignorance is bliss until it isn't.

[Marc878]

A separation is normally used to spend more time with the other guy. You would be smart to go straight to divorce. The 180 is a good move.

 

I'd cut off all contact except text or email about divorce or business only. Nothing else. Short and civil anything else should be ignored.

[organix]

A separation is normally used to spend more time with the other guy. You would be smart to go straight to divorce. The 180 is a good move.

 

I'd cut off all contact except text or email about divorce or business only. Nothing else. Short and civil anything else should be ignored.

 

Thanks for the response, I am still living with her though which I think makes it harder. And to reply to the other responses, I'm am not ignorant to the possibility however there is no desire for me to pry it out of her. I am legitimately content with my lifestyle changes, even though they weren't exactly changes , they were reverting to myself. Thanks for the help, I think it helped further my intuition.

[Marc878]

You have a good attitude. You can't fix her all you can do is work on you.

 

Go your own way. Don't stay with a cake eater. They'll string you along and play you if you let them.

 

No kids do you can and should make a clean cut.

 

Many will linger in limbo and waste precious years of their lives you can never get back.

 

Let her go and you'll have a much better life.

 

You shouldn't have to fight for your wife that's why you married her.

 

You'll come through this fine.

[organix]

I appreciate your comment. Everyone's have helped me tonight. Definitely a day to day process.

[BluesPower]

She has been cheating with her ex.

 

Are you going to bolt or try to fix it.

 

And yes it has gotten physical, or she would not want a divorce.

[littlestarsmum]

I’m so sorry to hear that, friend. My heart ached as I read your post. I know how difficult and painful it must be for you. Words seem inadequate to convey my care and concern for you. I just said a prayer for you and your wife, and I hope that God will bring healing and hope to your marriage. Do you think it would help you and your wife to speak with a counselor about your concerns? I know your situation seem impossible right now, but I do believe there is hope. Stay strong. Sending prayers your way!

[Harry_30]

Hey Organix,

 

I don't often reply on here, but your post struck a chord with me.

 

I got divorced last year, and unfortunately my ex-wife had kinda checked out too.

 

Ignorance is bliss, and to be honest I fear that there was far more going on before she filed the paperwork than I wish to know. Being off social media completely and getting on with my life has been a big help.

 

If I were to give anyone who genuinely made the best efforts in their marriage, was faithful, and really did devote themselves solely to their partner, (in a monogamous context), any advice, it would be that when you really sit down and think about how rare, good, honest and sincere people are becoming in the world, it is your ex's loss.

 

When I am out with friends, or family, joking, laughing, enjoying happy times, I remind myself that being someone who has integrity, as well as the self awareness to understand I'm not perfect is a rare but valuable attribute. Also having the discipline to prevent myself from indulging in bad urges, and being true to someone you love is rarer still. Take a moment to really appreciate and respect those qualities in yourself and you'll feel better in time, trust me!

 

When I read the forum posts and see some of the shocking acts of behaviour people endure, it makes me even more aware of my own value, and I am confident that even though my ex gave up on me, someone else will accept my flaws in order to benefit from my many qualities.

 

You sound like a decent guy, stay true to those morals/beliefs, and hold your head high. I hugely respect your intention to be a gentleman throughout the process, it's something you will take great comfort and pride in when its all over.

 

As for the 180, i inadvertently performed this without being aware of the 'sticky', but in the process I came to realise I wasn't too keen on pursuing a future with someone who had such a flippant attitude towards marriage. My ex has made numerous efforts to contact me post divorce, but what is done is done, and I am under no illusions that a relationship will never be the same after its been dragged through the 'pain' that we both subjected it to. Move onwards and upwards, and when you do meet that next someone special, your appreciation for a true love that is reciprocated will hopefully add another dimension to your experience of a loving and caring relationship.

 

Oh and one other suggestion, have a think about how well suited you both are as a couple and whether this relationship could survive the damage inflicted by even the suggestion of a divorce. The reason I say this is because before the divorce was finalised I offered a few opportunities to my ex to reinitiate communication should she have a change of heart about the whole thing. Now when I look back I feel as though I did my best to salvage the marriage, despite it being her wish to divorce, all the while being polite and respectful of her ultimate wishes.

 

Stay blessed, and best of luck in this difficult time.

 

H

Edited March 13, 2017 by Harry_30
Small addition, improved spelling/grammar

[Marc878]

Hey Organix,

 

I dont often reply on here, but your post struck a chord with me.

 

I got divorced last year, and unfortunately my ex-wife had kinda checked out too.

 

Ignorance is bliss, and to be honest I fear that there was far more going on before she filed the paperwork than I wish to know. Being off social media completely and getting on with my life has been a big help.

 

If I were to give anyone who genuinely made the best efforts in their marriage, was faithful, and really did devote themselves solely to their partner (in a monogamous context), any advice, it would be that when you really sit down and think about how rare good honest and sincere people are becoming in the world, it is their loss.

 

When I am out with friends, or family, joking, laughing, enjoying happy times, I remind myself that being someone who has integrity, and the self awareness to understand they aren't perfect is a rare but valuable attribute in this world. Also have the discipline to prevent yourself from indulging in insincere urges and being true to someone you love is rarer still. Take a moment to really appreciate and respect those qualities and you'll feel better in time.

 

When I read the forum posts and see some of the shocking acts of behaviour people endure, it makes me more aware of my own value, and confident that even though my ex gave up on us, someone else will accept my flaws in order to benefit from my many qualities.

 

You sound like a decent guy, stay true to those morals/beliefs, and hold your head high. I hugely respect your intention to be a gentleman throughout the process, it's something you will take great comfort in when its all over.

 

As for the 180, i inadvertently performed this without being aware of the post, but in the process I came to realise, I wasn't too keen on pursuing a future with someone who had a flippant attitude towards marriage. My ex has made numerous efforts to contact me post divorce, but what is done is done, and I am under no illusions that a relationship will never be the same after its been dragged through the pain that we both subjected it to. Move onwards and upwards and when you do meet that next someone special, your appreciation for a true love that is reciprocated will hopefully add another dimension to your experience of a loving and caring relationship.

 

Stay blessed, and best of luck.

 

H

 

excellent advice. Any contact just drags you back and prolongs the limbo hell

 

It's best to do a full purge.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Organix, what's the update on your situation? Have there been any changes since the last time you posted? Hope you are doing well. Take care of yourself. Warm wishes.

[organix]

Hey Organix,

 

I don't often reply on here, but your post struck a chord with me.

 

I got divorced last year, and unfortunately my ex-wife had kinda checked out too.

 

Ignorance is bliss, and to be honest I fear that there was far more going on before she filed the paperwork than I wish to know. Being off social media completely and getting on with my life has been a big help.

 

If I were to give anyone who genuinely made the best efforts in their marriage, was faithful, and really did devote themselves solely to their partner, (in a monogamous context), any advice, it would be that when you really sit down and think about how rare, good, honest and sincere people are becoming in the world, it is your ex's loss.

 

When I am out with friends, or family, joking, laughing, enjoying happy times, I remind myself that being someone who has integrity, as well as the self awareness to understand I'm not perfect is a rare but valuable attribute. Also having the discipline to prevent myself from indulging in bad urges, and being true to someone you love is rarer still. Take a moment to really appreciate and respect those qualities in yourself and you'll feel better in time, trust me!

 

When I read the forum posts and see some of the shocking acts of behaviour people endure, it makes me even more aware of my own value, and I am confident that even though my ex gave up on me, someone else will accept my flaws in order to benefit from my many qualities.

 

You sound like a decent guy, stay true to those morals/beliefs, and hold your head high. I hugely respect your intention to be a gentleman throughout the process, it's something you will take great comfort and pride in when its all over.

 

As for the 180, i inadvertently performed this without being aware of the 'sticky', but in the process I came to realise I wasn't too keen on pursuing a future with someone who had such a flippant attitude towards marriage. My ex has made numerous efforts to contact me post divorce, but what is done is done, and I am under no illusions that a relationship will never be the same after its been dragged through the 'pain' that we both subjected it to. Move onwards and upwards, and when you do meet that next someone special, your appreciation for a true love that is reciprocated will hopefully add another dimension to your experience of a loving and caring relationship.

 

Oh and one other suggestion, have a think about how well suited you both are as a couple and whether this relationship could survive the damage inflicted by even the suggestion of a divorce. The reason I say this is because before the divorce was finalised I offered a few opportunities to my ex to reinitiate communication should she have a change of heart about the whole thing. Now when I look back I feel as though I did my best to salvage the marriage, despite it being her wish to divorce, all the while being polite and respectful of her ultimate wishes.

 

Stay blessed, and best of luck in this difficult time.

 

H

Thank you for the response and sound advice. I can really relate to how you felt during your divorce and how I am managing to keep it together through the process. I am continually moving forward and have been much happier with my life and the newly gained freedom I have acquired. It still hurts every once in a while, but I try to keep busy.

[organix]

Hi Organix, what's the update on your situation? Have there been any changes since the last time you posted? Hope you are doing well. Take care of yourself. Warm wishes.

 

As of right now, I am still living with her as we prep to sell the house. I have been diligent in doing the 180 and it has helped me gain the confidence I needed to make it through this. I have a positive outlook on my future and have made many plans already. My mind still haunts me from time to time, thinking that only if we can get back to where we were, things can be better, but I cannot change her or her feelings. So, I have an attorney and am starting the formal process since she seems to be dragging her feet. I've realized that enough is enough. I have done everything I can to try to salvage my marriage, but efforts have gone unnoticed. Even-though it was her that wants the divorce, its time to cut the cord and move on.

[Spring23]

She has been cheating with her ex.

 

Are you going to bolt or try to fix it.

 

And yes it has gotten physical, or she would not want a divorce.

 

It might not have gotten physical but she is cheating.

[Spring23]

As of right now, I am still living with her as we prep to sell the house. I have been diligent in doing the 180 and it has helped me gain the confidence I needed to make it through this. I have a positive outlook on my future and have made many plans already. My mind still haunts me from time to time, thinking that only if we can get back to where we were, things can be better, but I cannot change her or her feelings. So, I have an attorney and am starting the formal process since she seems to be dragging her feet. I've realized that enough is enough. I have done everything I can to try to salvage my marriage, but efforts have gone unnoticed. Even-though it was her that wants the divorce, its time to cut the cord and move on.

 

You sound really grounded. That's good to hear.