I did one of the few things I detest, I cheated on an amazing girl and relationship.

[remorsefulguy]

I hate every fiber of my being.

 

A girl I had known for about 2.5 years who time and time again had always expressed interest in me sexually (regardless of my relationship status) is at the heart of this catastrophe along with my immature self and the loving girlfriend I have dragged down with me.

 

I had an amazing girl, loyal, loved me unconditionally. For all purposes the perfect girl. Let's call her L.

 

I also had an acquaintance, a person who helped me academically and supported our professional goals (we are all in college), I guess she was a devil in sheep's clothing and a person who had always wanted me sexually. She gave me attention over the span of my 10-month relationship and even prior to that when I was single, I consistently declined her advances but did not cut her off like I should have, as I said there was more to our interactions than the sexual messages she sent me. Lets call this girl X.

 

Somewhere along the way, every time X made advances (once every 2 months or so) I normalized it all, I started taking X less seriously, her actions less seriously and my responses to X became less serious despite the fact that my relationship was getting more and more serious. There was no emotion to our exchanges, and 99% of our exchanges were platonic or involved me saying 'no' to her advances. Illicit exchanges were initiated when she was drunk and were largely shut down but should have been cut off completely.

 

Recently, I cheated, I finally engaged X in a conversation, I egged her on, I told her if I was single it would happen, I told her that "what she is doing is hot, it will get her dick from any other guy but not me, not right now at least, but who knows about the future". I had a sexual conversation with another person who I have no feelings for and honestly who I am not attracted to in any way. I cheated. There was no logic, I was thinking with my dick, I liked the attention, I was horny, I was a scummy low life even though I didn't see myself that way at the time. That interaction, a single exchange, existed on the phone screen and I deluded myself into thinking that it was okay, it wasn't "real" and it certainly wasn't anything I'd act upon (I genuinely believe for a fact that it was just text because facing the idea of actually following through with anything made/makes me sick). Meantime I was planning out an itinerary for my gf and I's summer get away and 6 month-aversary (we have dated for about 10 months, but officially 6).

 

My girlfriend, L, logged into my accounts and saw this. She saw the time I was weak, selfish, foolish and immature and giving into the shallowest aspects of my being. The evidence of any strength I had showed to resist advances in the past, and to resist temptation was long gone and only the evidence of my gross transgression remained (I didn't even take this transgression seriously enough to try and hide it but had cleared my inbox in the past because I undeniably wanted to hide these interactions as a whole regardless of my resistance to them, hence only the crime remained, that's all that matters). I can't deny that I was dishonest, ignorant and so much more. I became my own biggest nightmare, I hate cheaters, I hate myself. I have always prided myself on empathy yet look at what I have done. I HAVE BEEN CHEATED ON BEFORE, HOW COULD I DO THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE? My gf was my best friend, my world, I just don't understand myself.

 

I brought our worlds crashing down, I don't care about my world, I did this to myself and deserve to suffer, it's her world that matters now. I betrayed her in the worst way possible, where were my values, my self control? I don't know. I wasn't making those awful decisions based on my heart or my logical brain and I do consider myself to be such a logical person. I made those choices based on instant gratification, something must be wrong with me, it was self-destructive.

 

I want to make things right with L. I'm 21, she is 19, I'm her first everything and this is my third relationship, I have been cheated on before, and I have had my heart broken. I can't help but feel what I have done is likely worse than anything that has been done to me and I'm sickened by myself. L hasn't given me the chance to talk to her, to explain what I am saying in this post but she will once she has had her space. I want a second chance, I thought I was a good person, but I clearly have some demons I failed to control in me, if I can't redeem myself with her I don't know how I'll live with myself.

 

Everyone I know keeps telling me, "people make mistakes, you are only 21, you are going to be a doctor. I need someone anonymous to tell me what I really am. Give her time, what you did is wrong, but forgivable, you are young/immature and gave into temptation." Share your experiences with me.

 

Am I a monster? Only a monster would destroy innocence the way I have. I am a cheater. Now that I know the repurcussions of my actions I can't imagine causing such pain to anyone like that again, has anyone ever learnt from their mistakes this way, the hardest way possible? I have never betrayed like this before (at least in my 5 years of dating) , I tricked myself into thinking I wasnt capable of it when a series of choices should have told me otherwise. I feel like I should see a therapist (after all, no sane person could destroy something that was going so well without logic or reason). I just don't know what is wrong with me. Please share your experiences with me, what do I tell my gf (well I don't know what we are anymore) when she meets. I know she is going to rip me to shreds and I deserve that...but what do I say, do I say what I said here? I cut girl X off (too little too late), I told her to never speak to me again and that will not change regardless of what happens with my gf who I betrayed.

Edited March 8, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[d0nnivain]

Drama much. OMG.

 

 

You had a sexual conversation with another girl & you consider that cheating on your 19 year old GF of 10 months. During that conversation you also told X that it was never going to happen for real. OK if that is your definition of cheating, fine. (It's not my definition of cheating. talking about sex is not the same thing as a PA. I can't even classify what you did as an EA because it was more like a steamy conversation out of boredom & immaturity. My definition doesn't matter, only your GF's matters) But for heaven's sake cut yourself a break. You made a mistake. You didn't kill somebody. If you are planning to be a doctor you really need to learn to control how you respond to a crisis. This is not a crisis btw.

 

 

You tell your GF that you screwed up & you are sorry. Send her apology flowers if you like. You cut ties with X because you can't be trusted to be platonic around her.

 

 

If your GF forgives you, great you move on together.

 

 

If she doesn't forgive you, you let L go & you learn from your mistake.

 

 

But stop with the self flagellation already.

[remorsefulguy]

Drama much. OMG.

 

 

You had a sexual conversation with another girl & you consider that cheating on your 19 year old GF of 10 months. During that conversation you also told X that it was never going to happen for real. OK if that is your definition of cheating, fine. (It's not my definition of cheating. talking about sex is not the same thing as a PA. I can't even classify what you did as an EA because it was more like a steamy conversation out of boredom & immaturity. My definition doesn't matter, only your GF's matters) But for heaven's sake cut yourself a break. You made a mistake. You didn't kill somebody. If you are planning to be a doctor you really need to learn to control how you respond to a crisis. This is not a crisis btw.

 

 

You tell your GF that you screwed up & you are sorry. Send her apology flowers if you like. You cut ties with X because you can't be trusted to be platonic around her.

 

 

If your GF forgives you, great you move on together.

 

 

If she doesn't forgive you, you let L go & you learn from your mistake.

 

 

But stop with the self flagellation already.

 

My idiotic self also forgot to mention this person had sent me pictures of themselves in the past over snapchat. I ignored some, opened some, got mad about others and in that conversation I flirtatiously said "that'll get you attention from other guys, but not me, not at this time but who knows when". I missed stating that in the essay above, im sure that only serves to implicate me more in my gf's eyes.

 

What you said really sounds like my dad's advice. A steamy conversation out of boredom and immaturity (an umbrella term to describe an ego-stroking, attention seeking, ignorant kid) is simple, yet essentially correct. How do we overcome the fact that I had repeated chances to cut person X off yet continued to allow it to occur by not being firm (once again due to my immaturity) when they initiated things or sent stupid pictures (that I never saved, never sent anything myself either). How do I explain away hurting someone this way, when I have been cheated on (one off drunk hook-up by my ex) and understand the pain. How do I explain away planning a future with my gf and saying goodnight I love you (I meant every word) while simultaneously entertaining such awful conversations with X. I can't wrap my head around how this isn't a severe transgression. Admittedly, I'm only able to step back and see how serious it is after everything fell apart. Feels like a crisis to me since my gf absolutely hates my guts and is heartbroken and the same goes for how I feel.

Edited March 8, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[preraph]

I agree with everything you said, Remorseful guy. Yes, you're young and people make mistakes, but you KNEW what it would do to her if she found out, destroy her innocence, and you did it anyway. She'll never trust you again.

 

Listen, there will always be one woman in every crowd who gets her validation and attention from guys and doesn't care if they're married or taken or what. Just like a prostitute, she will tell them "No one has to know," "I only want sex," and promise them no harm can come of it because she will keep quiet. I can't stand these women, and the few I've met were some type of sex worker in an earlier incarnation, ex-stripper or that type thing.

 

I had a guy friend. I used to date his best friend. Call the friend Jay. Jay met his wife and they fell instantly in love and were the cutest couple and married in just a couple of months. That was in the late '70s and they're still married today. Now, this was a band I knew well and helped some and he knew he could talk to me, but we had not talked in a couple of decades when we reconnected. He unburdened himself to me, like I was a Catholic Priest. First he told me what really happened to cause my then bf to divorce his wife, which was scandalous on her end. Then he confessed to me this Gloria had come on to him 2 months into his marriage, whispered "no strings," "she'll never know," and all that like a prostitute trying to lure him.

 

Well, he did not sleep with her, but 25 years later, he still felt huge guilt for even placing himself in the position to be alone with her, and all he ended up doing is going over to her apartment with a couple other people, but it was a secret he had to keep from his nice wife all these years and all these years he had guilt about it. Coincidentally, one of my exes had ended up dating this woman after and maybe during dating me. He was naive and didn't know what she was for a long time. She was just ruthless. I think all she got out of it was validation of some sort.

 

There's always going to be these type women who make it hard to say no. And there could even be one you genuinely like and might love. But whatever you do, always remember it changes the one you're cheating on forever if you were ever truly in love and committed, and sometimes even if you weren't.

 

She will never be the same or feel the same again.

 

No piece of *** is worth it.

[Space Ritual]

I hate every fiber of my being.

 

A girl I had known for about 2.5 years who time and time again had always expressed interest in me sexually (regardless of my relationship status) is at the heart of this catastrophe along with my immature self and the loving girlfriend I have dragged down with me.

 

I had an amazing girl, loyal, loved me unconditionally. For all purposes the perfect girl. Let's call her L.

 

I also had an acquaintance, a person who helped me academically and supported our professional goals (we are all in college), I guess she was a devil in sheep's clothing and a person who had always wanted me sexually. She gave me attention over the span of my 10-month relationship and even prior to that when I was single, I consistently declined her advances but did not cut her off like I should have, as I said there was more to our interactions than the sexual messages she sent me. Lets call this girl X.

 

Somewhere along the way, every time X made advances (once every 2 months or so) I normalized it all, I started taking X less seriously, her actions less seriously and my responses to X became less serious despite the fact that my relationship was getting more and more serious. There was no emotion to our exchanges, and 99% of our exchanges were platonic or involved me saying 'no' to her advances. Illicit exchanges were initiated when she was drunk and were largely shut down but should have been cut off completely.

 

Recently, I cheated, I finally engaged X in a conversation, I egged her on, I told her if I was single it would happen, I told her that "what she is doing is hot, it will get her dick from any other guy but not me, not right now at least, but who knows about the future". I had a sexual conversation with another person who I have no feelings for and honestly who I am not attracted to in any way. I cheated. There was no logic, I was thinking with my dick, I liked the attention, I was horny, I was a scummy low life even though I didn't see myself that way at the time. That interaction, a single exchange, existed on the phone screen and I deluded myself into thinking that it was okay, it wasn't "real" and it certainly wasn't anything I'd act upon (I genuinely believe for a fact that it was just text because facing the idea of actually following through with anything made/makes me sick). Meantime I was planning out an itinerary for my gf and I's summer get away and 6 month-aversary (we have dated for about 10 months, but officially 6).

 

My girlfriend, L, logged into my accounts and saw this. She saw the time I was weak, selfish, foolish and immature and giving into the shallowest aspects of my being. The evidence of any strength I had showed to resist advances in the past, and to resist temptation was long gone and only the evidence of my gross transgression remained (I didn't even take this transgression seriously enough to try and hide it but had cleared my inbox in the past because I undeniably wanted to hide these interactions as a whole regardless of my resistance to them, hence only the crime remained, that's all that matters). I can't deny that I was dishonest, ignorant and so much more. I became my own biggest nightmare, I hate cheaters, I hate myself. I have always prided myself on empathy yet look at what I have done. I HAVE BEEN CHEATED ON BEFORE, HOW COULD I DO THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE? My gf was my best friend, my world, I just don't understand myself.

 

I brought our worlds crashing down, I don't care about my world, I did this to myself and deserve to suffer, it's her world that matters now. I betrayed her in the worst way possible, where were my values, my self control? I don't know. I wasn't making those awful decisions based on my heart or my logical brain and I do consider myself to be such a logical person. I made those choices based on instant gratification, something must be wrong with me, it was self-destructive.

 

I want to make things right with L. I'm 21, she is 19, I'm her first everything and this is my third relationship, I have been cheated on before, and I have had my heart broken. I can't help but feel what I have done is likely worse than anything that has been done to me and I'm sickened by myself. L hasn't given me the chance to talk to her, to explain what I am saying in this post but she will once she has had her space. I want a second chance, I thought I was a good person, but I clearly have some demons I failed to control in me, if I can't redeem myself with her I don't know how I'll live with myself.

 

Everyone I know keeps telling me, "people make mistakes, you are only 21, you are going to be a doctor. I need someone anonymous to tell me what I really am. Give her time, what you did is wrong, but forgivable, you are young/immature and gave into temptation." Share your experiences with me.

 

Am I a monster? Only a monster would destroy innocence the way I have. I am a cheater. Now that I know the repurcussions of my actions I can't imagine causing such pain to anyone like that again, has anyone ever learnt from their mistakes this way, the hardest way possible? I have never betrayed like this before (at least in my 5 years of dating) , I tricked myself into thinking I wasnt capable of it when a series of choices should have told me otherwise. I feel like I should see a therapist (after all, no sane person could destroy something that was going so well without logic or reason). I just don't know what is wrong with me. Please share your experiences with me, what do I tell my gf (well I don't know what we are anymore) when she meets. I know she is going to rip me to shreds and I deserve that...but what do I say, do I say what I said here? I cut girl X off (too little too late), I told her to never speak to me again and that will not change regardless of what happens with my gf who I betrayed.

 

 

You sound like you have been watching too many Lifetime Movies Of The Week. You have a steamer trunk full of drama that is pointless. I think maybe a bottle of Whiskey and rolling around in a blanket crying your eyes out while listening to "Wildfire" by Michael Martin Murphy over and over screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO!!" is your destiny.

 

I'll save you the wonder of what i'm talking about and send you the song so you can get started on your bender of self flagellation...lol.

 

 

An when you finish I have two words for you that are the best advice you'll get.

 

GROW UP.

[remorsefulguy]

You sound like you have been watching too many Lifetime Movies Of The Week. You have a steamer trunk full of drama that is pointless. I think maybe a bottle of Whiskey and rolling around in a blanket crying your eyes out while listening to "Wildfire" by Michael Martin Murphy over and over screaming "NOOOOOOOOOO!!" is your destiny.

 

I'll save you the wonder of what i'm talking about and send you the song so you can get started on your bender of self flagellation...lol.

 

 

An when you finish I have two words for you that are the best advice you'll get.

 

GROW UP.

 

Dramatic, perhaps. Beating myself up on this post, yes but to be honest, awful doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. Need to grow up, most definitely, I know I need to grow up. I'd appreciate something a bit more tangible than grow up though.

Edited March 9, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[remorsefulguy]

I agree with everything you said, Remorseful guy. Yes, you're young and people make mistakes, but you KNEW what it would do to her if she found out, destroy her innocence, and you did it anyway. She'll never trust you again.

 

Listen, there will always be one woman in every crowd who gets her validation and attention from guys and doesn't care if they're married or taken or what. Just like a prostitute, she will tell them "No one has to know," "I only want sex," and promise them no harm can come of it because she will keep quiet. I can't stand these women, and the few I've met were some type of sex worker in an earlier incarnation, ex-stripper or that type thing.

 

I had a guy friend. I used to date his best friend. Call the friend Jay. Jay met his wife and they fell instantly in love and were the cutest couple and married in just a couple of months. That was in the late '70s and they're still married today. Now, this was a band I knew well and helped some and he knew he could talk to me, but we had not talked in a couple of decades when we reconnected. He unburdened himself to me, like I was a Catholic Priest. First he told me what really happened to cause my then bf to divorce his wife, which was scandalous on her end. Then he confessed to me this Gloria had come on to him 2 months into his marriage, whispered "no strings," "she'll never know," and all that like a prostitute trying to lure him.

 

Well, he did not sleep with her, but 25 years later, he still felt huge guilt for even placing himself in the position to be alone with her, and all he ended up doing is going over to her apartment with a couple other people, but it was a secret he had to keep from his nice wife all these years and all these years he had guilt about it. Coincidentally, one of my exes had ended up dating this woman after and maybe during dating me. He was naive and didn't know what she was for a long time. She was just ruthless. I think all she got out of it was validation of some sort.

 

There's always going to be these type women who make it hard to say no. And there could even be one you genuinely like and might love. But whatever you do, always remember it changes the one you're cheating on forever if you were ever truly in love and committed, and sometimes even if you weren't.

 

She will never be the same or feel the same again.

 

No piece of *** is worth it.

 

No she was not worth it, I can't agree with that more and I don't think any momentary instance of attention will ever be worth it again. I don't think I valued this persons attention on anything more than the shallowest possible level, it could not be compared to how much I value the kindness and love my gf treated me with, no way, maybe I just don't think I respected my happiness, her happiness, my life enough to just pause and ask myself whether exchanging those messages was worth it. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that anytime soon. For some reason I just became desensitized to interactions with her over time.

 

On the flip side, maybe hormones, immaturity, allowing her to keep tempting me for long enough clouded everything that matters and led to such decisions...that feels like making excuses and makes me terrified of myself. I just want to work towards making things better, I understand that things will never be the same.

Edited March 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[remorsefulguy]

Anyone with experience in my shoes have advice?

[duncsvoice]

You're 21. Young, horny, all of that. You had a bit of a misplaced flirt, and got caught. Would you feel the same if she hadn't seen the messages? Hell, I did that when I was your age. Get it out of your system, feel guilty because that's what you need to feel.

 

But seriously pal, I thought I was going to read you'd spent the night sniffing coke off strippers the way you were going on. That's not to undermine what you are feeling, but it's justa flirt. Like I said, I did all that when I was your age. I'm 32 now, as Space Ritual said, I've grown up. It's out of my system etc. Stop beating yourself up over it like you are, and if you really do feel that appalling about it, leave your girlfriend and let her find someone who won't be tempted to tell another girl he'll bed them when he inevitably breaks up with her.

[elaine567]

Sexting another woman whilst you are in a long term relationship IS cheating of course it is.

More importantly YOUR gf thinks it is cheating and you have ruined it.

If she comes back (and she may not), it will never be the same again.

She will never trust you and it will impact on your relationship big time.

 

BUT you need to stop all this melodramatic nonsense and put it into perspective.

You made a mistake, you will pay for that mistake but you are 21, it is not the end of life as you know it.

The chances of L ever being "the one" were slim, your mind was already elsewhere and at 19 she has her own growing up to do too. Accept that.

 

The bond you have with your gf is not strong enough to withstand cheating. In order to completely heal it will take years of work and counselling and even then you may both end up miserable.

 

Pick yourself up and move on is my advice and learn from the experience.

[1fish2fish]

And if she DOES come back, you'd do it again because you got away with it the first time.

 

Do her a favor and leave her alone. You have a lot of maturing yet to do before you're ready for a serious, exclusive relationship.

[mikeylo]

When you told X that she could have your D when you broke off with your gf , you have no idea what you did !

 

You gave her the power to destroy your relationship with L. If she doesn't know your gf , great. Otherwise she will do everything in her power to create more wedge between you and your gf so that you break up. Then she has your D in her.

 

Instead of feeling a great guy, you should have felt insulted that a woman is initiating sexual advances towards you when you aren't interested in her.

 

Just like women are careful whom they talk to , men also need to be careful of women.

 

Yeah , you've tainted your gf's innocence.

 

What can you do now ? If your gf is still around , give her the world and swear that you won't even look at anything that has two legs. It also means not talking to half the population on earth , leave aside flirting. Flirting is cheating. You went too far.

 

As for X, she doesn't deserve another word from you. There are men and women who are so desperate that they will do anything. Beware of such people.

[mikeylo]

.

Listen, there will always be one woman in every crowd who gets her validation and attention from guys and doesn't care if they're married or taken or what. Just like a prostitute, she will tell them "No one has to know," "I only want sex," and promise them no harm can come of it because she will keep quiet. I can't stand these women, and the few I've met were some type of sex worker in an earlier incarnation, ex-stripper or that type thing. [ QUOTE]

 

They will do. They always have been and will continue to do so. But it's for the guy to make the right decision. A moment's validation can cost heartbreak of a lifetime.

 

OP, you owe a lot to your gf. It's your choice to give her the trust and respect back or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're not ready for a committed relationship.

 

Stay single, sow your oats, and then think about dating more seriously. You're not at that point in your life. Let your girlfriend go.

 

I also have to wonder, would you be this remorseful if your girlfriend hadn't caught you? Or would you have allowed this to carry on?

Edited March 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[preraph]

Sexting another woman whilst you are in a long term relationship IS cheating of course it is.

More importantly YOUR gf thinks it is cheating and you have ruined it.

If she comes back (and she may not), it will never be the same again.

She will never trust you and it will impact on your relationship big time.

 

BUT you need to stop all this melodramatic nonsense and put it into perspective.

You made a mistake, you will pay for that mistake but you are 21, it is not the end of life as you know it.

The chances of L ever being "the one" were slim, your mind was already elsewhere and at 19 she has her own growing up to do too. Accept that.

 

The bond you have with your gf is not strong enough to withstand cheating. In order to completely heal it will take years of work and counselling and even then you may both end up miserable.

 

Pick yourself up and move on is my advice and learn from the experience.

 

Yeah. Once you know the man you are in love with that you thought loved you is actually still interested in other women and that he's a bottomless pit of never satisfied and always looking, you never love them the same, you're disappointed in them as a person who isn't capable of deep caring love, and trust is of course out the window.

[remorsefulguy]

When you told X that she could have your D when you broke off with your gf , you have no idea what you did !

 

You gave her the power to destroy your relationship with L. If she doesn't know your gf , great. Otherwise she will do everything in her power to create more wedge between you and your gf so that you break up. Then she has your D in her.

 

Instead of feeling a great guy, you should have felt insulted that a woman is initiating sexual advances towards you when you aren't interested in her.

 

Just like women are careful whom they talk to , men also need to be careful of women.

 

Yeah , you've tainted your gf's innocence.

 

What can you do now ? If your gf is still around , give her the world and swear that you won't even look at anything that has two legs. It also means not talking to half the population on earth , leave aside flirting. Flirting is cheating. You went too far.

 

As for X, she doesn't deserve another word from you. There are men and women who are so desperate that they will do anything. Beware of such people.

 

I agree with you, frankly, X will never be a further part of my life regardless of whether or not L allows me to remain a part of hers. The thought of that person, and what I allowed myself to stupidly do in talking to her makes me sick/ashamed and I think it will for as long as I live. My D in her was never going to happen even I said those things hypothetically, I've been single and said no to her **** in the past because I didn't want to do something physical with a person who meant nothing to me.

 

I'd do anything, if that means swearing off talking to girls, that's easy because I basically talked to like 3 girls on a semi regular basis (I have a small male friend group).

 

The consensus is that I'm too immature and weak to be in a committed relationship. I however also promised so many things that I meant to my gf, I had just bought us concert tickets for a few weeks from now, I had planned out some day long activities for a 6 monthiversary (in fact that actually meant so much to me, she thought I was taking it too seriously in a way) and we were planning our summer getaway. Im just mind****ed by my contradictory actions, this all meant so much to me, yet I was simultaneously doing so much to damage my relationship, I wasn't taking those sporadic conversations SERIOUSLY which makes me even worse (because there was no physical desire, no emotional desire, just pathetic thrills and a momentary turn on... The definition of weakness)

Edited March 9, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[remorsefulguy]

You're not ready for a committed relationship.

 

Stay single, sow your oats, and then think about dating more seriously. You're not at that point in your life. Let your girlfriend go.

 

I also have to wonder, would you be this remorseful if your girlfriend hadn't caught you? Or would you have allowed this to carry on?

 

 

If I had not gotten caught I would likely still not be taking what I was doing seriously. More often than not this person would get pissed off at my resistance and go away for a while. I wasn't physically or emotionally invested and I don't think that would have changed. I never thought highly of X, who would think highly of someone so desperate? (I should have taken a look at myself in the mirror too but I was just way too immature to tell myself that whether or not YOU take this seriously doesn't matter, think about how awful what you are ACTUALLY doing is). I know that I am a lot of the awful things I accuse X of (selfish, insensitive, immature and weak)

Edited March 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[remorsefulguy]

And if she DOES come back, you'd do it again because you got away with it the first time.

 

Do her a favor and leave her alone. You have a lot of maturing yet to do before you're ready for a serious, exclusive relationship.

 

I'm sorry I'm going to be honest and say that you don't know that I would do it again and again. Sure it's possible, but if I did do it again and again that'd probably mean this bad thing I have done is how I am, that I'm a bad person. I am a bad person at the moment but I know I could never live my life doing what I have done or worse, I'd sooner swear off lovers than live with myself for causing repeated harm to anyone.

 

If she wants me gone, I'll dissapear and learn to live with myself and hopefully forgive myself. Maybe you are right, maybe I am just not ready.

Edited March 9, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[mikeylo]

Take it easy boy !

 

You need to speak to her, honestly. Both for her and your sake. Find a quiet spot , no interruptions or distractions, just two of you. And talk.

 

If anything , she didn't deserve any of this. If it's because of her you have learned such a big life lesson, she shouldn't be the one to pay the price for it. You may not ever repeat with any woman again but she will have to live with the heartache forever ! Not fair !

 

Talk and make it right.

[remorsefulguy]

Take it easy boy !

 

You need to speak to her, honestly. Both for her and your sake. Find a quiet spot , no interruptions or distractions, just two of you. And talk.

 

If anything , she didn't deserve any of this. If it's because of her you have learned such a big life lesson, she shouldn't be the one to pay the price for it. You may not ever repeat with any woman again but she will have to live with the heartache forever ! Not fair !

 

Talk and make it right.

 

I will talk to her and lay everything out on the table, everything, no trickle truths as this forum puts it. I'll discuss the times I was firm, the times I wasn't firm, and the off times I wasn't firm and was flirtatious and finally, the time I said a lot of stupid **** and if anything instigated X for a pathetic thrill. She didn't deserve any of this and I can't put in to words how dedicated she was. Nothing I did was intentionally targeted at harming or deceiving her, I was genuinely operating on a greed and instant gratification level. When she finally agrees to talk to me I will lay it all out and truly express how sorry I am. I love her, I've done such a stupid thing but I really do love her. I'll do whatever she wants, she has a long road ahead and frankly, I owe it to her to respect her recovery process however she chooses to go about doing so. I'll update this thread with her responses for more advice.

Edited March 9, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[remorsefulguy]

Take it easy boy !

 

You need to speak to her, honestly. Both for her and your sake. Find a quiet spot , no interruptions or distractions, just two of you. And talk.

 

If anything , she didn't deserve any of this. If it's because of her you have learned such a big life lesson, she shouldn't be the one to pay the price for it. You may not ever repeat with any woman again but she will have to live with the heartache forever ! Not fair !

 

Talk and make it right.

 

Also to address what you mentioned earlier. I never said 'when' I break up with my gf, I had no intention of doing anything like that. I said "'if' I ever was single, who knows if that would happen". I guess that difference doesn't matter eh, my girlfriend and I had discussed the possibility of seperating if I had no choice but to leave home in order to go to a professional school, that was a big IF, but I got dumb and took that to the next level. I'm in for more harsh reality checks as the next few months go along.

[mikeylo]

You cant undo the past but yeah , you owe a lot to her. Whatever, but sometimes the betrayer ( you ) has to be the healer of the betrayed ( your gf ).Very hard task for you... to be able to look in her eyes and see the hurt.

 

Since you are very young, you may not be able to handle it and may have to let go. If you were older, I would have told you literally, to get up and hold her.

[Space Ritual]

I know I need to grow up. I'd appreciate something a bit more tangible than grow up though.

 

Why?

 

Look at your replies to everyone. For all their wordiness they contain little more than paragraphs of dismissive tone. That means not only do you not understand in reality what you have done, but that you are probably going to repeat the behavior no matter who it is you are in a future relationship with.

 

You do not have the maturity to be in a relationship with ANYONE. Work on yourself and making yourself a safe person to be around and not the impulsive schlemiel you are exposing yourself as.

[remorsefulguy]

Why?

 

Look at your replies to everyone. For all their wordiness they contain little more than paragraphs of dismissive tone. That means not only do you not understand in reality what you have done, but that you are probably going to repeat the behavior no matter who it is you are in a future relationship with.

 

You do not have the maturity to be in a relationship with ANYONE. Work on yourself and making yourself a safe person to be around and not the impulsive schlemiel you are exposing yourself as.

 

I'll (try) keep this one less wordy. I had no idea I was being dismissive, but thanks for letting me know that, I will continue to look inward. Maybe I do not understand the full reality of what I have done just yet, I know that I hurt someone who did not deserve to be hurt, I know the pain is unimaginable (as I have been there). Most importantly, I know that my gf's feelings/needs need to be the number one priority now. If supporting from a distance is what she wants, then I'll do that. If getting out of her life for good is what she wants, then I'll do that. Maybe I'm not putting it into words well, but I'm the farthest thing from proud or dismissive of what I have done. I don't want to do this to anyone ever again and I am going to channel all the pain I will continue to feel for the months to come into becoming a better, more thoughtful person but I don't know if I'd have changed till I am in a relationship once again. Frankly, when I was cheated on in the past, or left out of the blue in my past relationships all I wanted to do was to have a chance at being with a great girl and treating her well (not that my previous relationships ended because of poor treatment). What this experience has shown me, is even then, even when things were great, I ruined things, its more than the intention of wanting to be in a happy relationship, its about walking the walk and I failed to walk the walk because I lacked will power amongst many other things. You are right, I am not ready, but it is not my intention to fool myself or be dismissive.

 

By asking for something more tangible than grow up, I was asking for any guidance on where to begin and how to begin doing that.

Edited March 9, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[d0nnivain]

Talk to her sooner rather than later. Beg her forgiveness & see what happens.

 

 

Talking to us doesn't fix this.

 

 

She is the only one who can grant you pardon, if she so choses.

 

 

Good luck.