I did one of the few things I detest, I cheated on an amazing girl and relationship.

[mikeylo]

Talk to her sooner rather than later. Beg her forgiveness & see what happens.

 

 

Talking to us doesn't fix this.

 

 

She is the only one who can grant you pardon, if she so choses.

 

 

Good luck.

 

The longer you take, worse it will become.

[remorsefulguy]

Talk to her sooner rather than later. Beg her forgiveness & see what happens.

 

 

Talking to us doesn't fix this.

 

 

She is the only one who can grant you pardon, if she so choses.

 

 

Good luck.

 

The longer you take, worse it will become.

 

I will, and I will lay everything out there. She may very well never want anything to do with me after hearing more (even more so than now) but at this point, the only thing that could do more damage to both myself and her would be more dishonest words. Thank you.

[smackie9]

here's a tip: when you know a girl wants to bump and grind you BAD, stop interacting with that person unless it's under professional circumstances...don't even give them your cel number for f sakes. Basically what you did was play with fire, and then suffered from the results from an inappropriate action. Remember there are always consequences......

 

The conversation is only one part, but what was done which had led up to it is more damaging.

 

How would you react if she did this herself? Some guy mackin on her for months, with her lapping it up, exchanging cel numbers, etc. Would you forgive her?

 

Everyone is right, there isn't a hell of a lot you can do at this point...it's all on your GF to make that decision.

[remorsefulguy]

Update:

 

She is gone, I disgust her, she never wants to see or hear from me again, I turned our entire relationship into a lie by engaging and letting this person contact me throughout the relationship and nothing I felt for my gf was real in my gf's eyes.

 

I tried to talk when we met, but I couldn't say anything that really mattered over the tears and anger, I messed things up beyond recovery. I'm a completely lost human being who deluded themselves into thinking what I was doing over and over in the span of our entire relationship was acceptable, I let it escalate and worst of all, I let it destroy someone who was innocent.

 

I've been hopping from relationship to relationship (2 in total) since my first 3 year one failed about 2.5 years ago. Each relationship has failed for different reasons, but this one finally came down to my sheer recklessness, ignorance, selfishness and immaturity. I see it, I am incapable of being in a proper functional relationship and evidently, I am incapable loving someone the way they deserve to be loved or even adhering to basic principles of love. Being reckless with someone's heart is just so cruel and I can't believe I lacked the balls to tell myself that when it could have counted for something. I frankly don't deserve the privilege of having someone love me romantically till I grow the **** up, I have no clue how the frick I'm going to begin that process, but I'm staying far as **** from anyone else's heart till I am a completely self-sufficient human being on an emotional level to say the very least. Till I ****ing respect myself and others enough to look myself in the damn mirror when I have a serious decision to make.

 

I've got a long road ahead of me. She does too. I guess this was all our paths were meant to cross for, that breaks my heart.

Edited March 10, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[d0nnivain]

Give up medicine for the theater. You are so dramatic. Having 3 relationships in your relatively young life is not "hopping from relationship to relationship". In college I practically had a relationship per month.

 

 

I'm sorry your GF did not feel compelled to forgive you. However, your life is not ruined. This too shall pass.

 

 

You do get to mourn & be upset. You lost something precious but you hopefully gained some valuable lessons. Experience is a tough teacher.

 

 

Soothe your hurt but hang in there.

[mikeylo]

If you were older, your approach would have been different and you wouldnt have to lose her.

 

Send me private message if you want to. There is still a little chance you might be able to save it.

[remorsefulguy]

Give up medicine for the theater. You are so dramatic. Having 3 relationships in your relatively young life is not "hopping from relationship to relationship". In college I practically had a relationship per month.

 

 

I'm sorry your GF did not feel compelled to forgive you. However, your life is not ruined. This too shall pass.

 

 

You do get to mourn & be upset. You lost something precious but you hopefully gained some valuable lessons. Experience is a tough teacher.

 

 

Soothe your hurt but hang in there.

 

I'll do my best to hang in there. It's not the idea of losing a person, I deserve what I'm getting and frankly she deserves someone who treasured the relationship enough to be real with themselves and do what needed to be done to not cheat. What I know I'll struggle with for such a long time is that I caused terrible pain to someone else, to her I was nothing more than an actor pretending to care about her while having conversations with another girl. I was her first love and to her I manipulated her into loving me, caring about me, losing her virginity to me. To me it wasn't manipulation, but cowardice and immaturity and weakness that allowed me to continue being secretly terrible throughout the relationship. There was no intention to hurt, I didn't get off on knowing I could cause hurt like she thinks I do. I knew I was saying some terrible things, but I said them anyways, where were my morals and values, how could I not stop and double take at the things I was saying. This guilt I feel, I don't see how it's forgivable, I don't see how I could ever love myself. She says she doesn't know me, truth is i feel like I don't know myself.

Edited March 10, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[remorsefulguy]

If you were older, your approach would have been different and you wouldnt have to lose her.

 

Send me private message if you want to. There is still a little chance you might be able to save it.

 

I don't think that's within the realm of possibility, maybe if I messaged you and described the magnitude of my actions in more detail that'd help. Anyone with experience to talk to would mean a lot. I dont know how to private message you.

Edited March 10, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[mikeylo]

What your gf is saying is a very natural reaction to what you did. But I still feel, you can change your approach and try.

 

When you click on your username, it will give you an option to send a message.I tried to send but it doesnt give me an option , it usually does !

[d0nnivain]

I caused terrible pain to someone else, to her I was nothing more than an actor pretending to care about her while having conversations with another girl. I was her first love and to her I manipulated her into loving me, caring about me, losing her virginity to me. To me it wasn't manipulation, but cowardice and immaturity and weakness that allowed me to continue being secretly terrible throughout the relationship. There was no intention to hurt, I didn't get off on knowing I could cause hurt like she thinks I do. I knew I was saying some terrible things, but I said them anyways, where were my morals and values, how could I not stop and double take at the things I was saying. This guilt I feel, I don't see how it's forgivable, I don't see how I could ever love myself. She says she doesn't know me, truth is i feel like I don't know myself.

 

 

You did a dumb thing sexting with the other girl but you are not as all powerful as you think. You didn't manipulate your GF. She has free will. Unless you held her down & forced her she chose to sleep with you. She could have walked away; really you are not that persuasive that she lost her ability to make independent decisions.

 

 

Learn from these mistakes. Don't do it again & you will be fine.

[remorsefulguy]

What your gf is saying is a very natural reaction to what you did. But I still feel, you can change your approach and try.

 

When you click on your username, it will give you an option to send a message.I tried to send but it doesnt give me an option , it usually does !

 

I haven't been a member for long enough it seems

[remorsefulguy]

You did a dumb thing sexting with the other girl but you are not as all powerful as you think. You didn't manipulate your GF. She has free will. Unless you held her down & forced her she chose to sleep with you. She could have walked away; really you are not that persuasive that she lost her ability to make independent decisions.

 

 

Learn from these mistakes. Don't do it again & you will be fine.

 

I won't do it again. I don't know if I'll ever truly trust myself till I'm presented with the opportunity and stay strong and act based on the lesson I have learnt. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself till both her and I are in better places, especially her. I did a dumb thing seems like such an understatement though d0nnivain, I did so many dumb things, was repeatedly impulsive and weak. Anyone can say I'm a dumb 21 year old, but if I don't admit to myself that I have an issue, that many people don't have, then how can I even begin to take steps to becoming a more mature and safe person to be around and emotionally invested in.

[d0nnivain]

So far you have made a mistake a 21. If you are still making the same mistake at 31, 41 etc. then you can conclude you have a problem, & no self control. For now, lets go with this has been a teachable moment in your young life. (I don't say that in a derogatory way. We were all young once. Boy did I make some dumb mistakes back then & beyond.) Cut yourself a break.

 

 

I think this lesson has been very powerful for you. Or at least by the way you continue to beat yourself up I hope it has. Powerful lessons tend to stay with a person.

 

 

I suspect you will be OK.

[remorsefulguy]

I won't do it again. I don't know if I'll ever truly trust myself till I'm presented with the opportunity and stay strong and act based on the lesson I have learnt. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself till both her and I are in better places, especially her. I did a dumb thing seems like such an understatement though d0nnivain, I did so many dumb things, was repeatedly impulsive and weak. Anyone can say I'm a dumb 21 year old, but if I don't admit to myself that I have an issue, that many people don't have, then how can I even begin to take steps to becoming a more mature and safe person to be around and emotionally invested in.

 

 

Being introspective is a good place to start, I think, maturing emotionally, learning to be more emotionally and financially independent and also learning from the experiences of others will also help over the next months and years. But yeah, if there is any sort of concrete advice you have in mind to help a young goof up like myself become more mature and grow up, I'd really appreciate it. Its all so fresh, so I know everyone I have hurt (myself and my ex-gf) have such a long way to go

Edited March 10, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[remorsefulguy]

So far you have made a mistake a 21. If you are still making the same mistake at 31, 41 etc. then you can conclude you have a problem, & no self control. For now, lets go with this has been a teachable moment in your young life. (I don't say that in a derogatory way. We were all young once. Boy did I make some dumb mistakes back then & beyond.) Cut yourself a break.

 

 

I think this lesson has been very powerful for you. Or at least by the way you continue to beat yourself up I hope it has. Powerful lessons tend to stay with a person.

 

 

I suspect you will be OK.

 

Thank you d0nnivain. That gives me some hope in myself. I'll try my very best to apply this lesson for as long as I live.

[remorsefulguy]

If you were older, your approach would have been different and you wouldnt have to lose her.

 

Send me private message if you want to. There is still a little chance you might be able to save it.

 

mikeylo, its clear I'm not ready for a mature, committed relationship that is emotionally safe for everyone involved no matter how badly I want that sort of companionship. Honestly, over this medium I probably havent even been able to truly share the extent of my harmful actions so the situation is likely even more bleak than it appears.

 

Not that I intend to ever place myself and others in such a painful situation ever again, I would still like to hear what you have to say, if there is any way that we can communicate about it please let me know. Sadly private messaging on here does not work due to my new account.

Edited March 10, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[mikeylo]

I guess age is not on your side !

 

If you were older, then you wouldnt have done such a thing and even if did ( i doubt so as most people learn by then what is acceptable behavior in a relationship and what is not ), there were many ways to handle this and get her back.

 

First step would be to acknowlegde , without being defensive. Apologise profusely. Ask for forgiveness. Let her be angry ( means she loves you ), wipe her tears.Then you need to start all over again , as a new chapter. Woo her all over again from scratch. Have 'eyes only for her syndrome'. No wandering eyes.

 

There is a lot you could do with patience. But you need to understand that there is no room for another 'nothing ' meaningless ' person in a relationship.

[remorsefulguy]

I guess age is not on your side !

 

If you were older, then you wouldnt have done such a thing and even if did ( i doubt so as most people learn by then what is acceptable behavior in a relationship and what is not ), there were many ways to handle this and get her back.

 

First step would be to acknowlegde , without being defensive. Apologise profusely. Ask for forgiveness. Let her be angry ( means she loves you ), wipe her tears.Then you need to start all over again , as a new chapter. Woo her all over again from scratch. Have 'eyes only for her syndrome'. No wandering eyes.

 

There is a lot you could do with patience. But you need to understand that there is no room for another 'nothing ' meaningless ' person in a relationship.

 

I understand. I tried reaching my hand out to her when she was crying, but she swatted it away and recoiled. Some of the things I said were just repulsive mikeylo, I even mentioned other people (exes) and what I'd do sexually if I were single, those conversations were an outlet to run my mouth off about things I pushed out of my head regularly, forget all my values and morals. The more I remember about those conversations the more in disbelief I become in on how much I lost myself in the entire ordeal. It all started with being too lenient and making excuses to allow someone to remain in my life when I should have known better, eventually, it became convincing myself that something blatantly wrong was okay. Even though that dastardly sick conversation only happened once, that's because I was caught and it only happened once, I still was turning a blind eye to my fantasy conversations and it'd have probably kept getting worse. Ultimately, I destroyed someone great and something great. I would never give me a chance, not for so many repeated immoral transgressions.

 

Some people in this thread have been going easy on me because I'm young, inexperienced and clearly think immaturely but beyond that, I think I need to take some major steps towards becoming a more conscious, safe person. The only thing my gf wants is to never speak to me again, I have struggled to cut contact with exes in the past but this time, I will unquestionably respect her decision, I'll avoid going to parties that she is going to, avoid everything I can do till the summer hits. I still haven't been able to force myself to delete our facebook conversations/delete her on facebook because frankly, its just so rich with our experiences together and that makes me tear up/get sick. This will be my toughest breakup because it was so great, and I'm solely responsible for destroying it.

 

As for me, it scares me at 21, but I've booked an appointment with a therapist, I have about 5 sessions of coverage and I'll pay my way through the rest. I need to unravel my issues here, I want to be a doctor, a husband, a father someday and frankly morality, selflessness and more are such crucial aspects of that all. I want to actively learn to navigate my emotions and solidify techniques/basic thought processes to not make excuses to hurt the ones I love ever again. My autopilot clearly cuts moral corners and rules me more than it should in the context of relationships. I'm always going to be an insanely busy person, I convinced myself that because I'm a 'good' son in many ways to my parents, I can neglect them in many other ways, excuses. I convinced myself, that because I was a 'good' boyfriend in many ways, I could be terrible in this particular way and everything would still be ok. That has to stop, but I want to understand why I did that, why I want to change the world for the better and save lives as an oncologist yet still take the people who I am nothing without for granted. There is so much I need to try and unravel here, more than just my age/inexperience. Hopefully, therapy, alongside other things like taking better care of my health, learning to love myself and be happy alone and more will guide me to a point where I'm ready and more importantly, safe to be in a relationship with. I feel like I'm largely a blank slate all over again and I intend to use this experience to shape myself into someone I can look in the mirror and truly respect. However long that takes (years), I will never put someone in harms way like I have ever again, or at least, I'll die trying not to.

Edited March 11, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[smackie9]

TBH YOU DON'T need therapy just because you made a poor choice. You need to harden up and go through the grieving process of a breakup for your own good. You already owned the consequences, you know what you did wrong, you fall down you get back up and go forward. It's call growing from your experiences. Therapy is for fixing things...you don't need fixing.

[remorsefulguy]

TBH YOU DON'T need therapy just because you made a poor choice. You need to harden up and go through the grieving process of a breakup for your own good. You already owned the consequences, you know what you did wrong, you fall down you get back up and go forward. It's call growing from your experiences. Therapy is for fixing things...you don't need fixing.

 

I hate myself so much. I don't see how I will ever be able to forgive myself, not with my current self-esteem and coping methods. She was all I really had aside from my mom and dad and myself. I've always struggled with letting go of my mistakes, but this time its a mistake (that feels like the wrong word to use) where I hurt someone else terribly and that just cripples me emotionally. I can't believe that I lied to myself into thinking it was 'no big deal', it was such a selfish thing to do. Maybe therapy can help me come to grips with all these feelings and channel them constructively.

 

I just don't see myself being able to be happy with myself after the grief I have caused another due to such ignorance and stupidity. I prided myself upon having a positive impact on peoples lives, the families and kids I volunteer with, my friends, my peers...I promised and worked towards helping my gf be happy and successful academically, and socially and mentally...and then I made choices to blow it all up like an awful human. Mistake or no mistake, what sort of a person makes so many promises to be a good person yet breaks them by not seeing the errors in their ways and how much they could hurt a person by something else that they are doing. I feel like every good quality I've convinced myself of, or that other people, my family, my now ex-gf saw in me was just a freakin lie. Forgiving myself for so many poor, destructive choices? I'm not sure how to do that.

Edited March 13, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[mikeylo]

FWIW, devout yourself to her. Start from day one. No game playing.

[remorsefulguy]

FWIW, devout yourself to her. Start from day one. No game playing.

 

How do I even begin to do that, I can't meet her, call her or text her when there is so much anger and hatred in the air. It needs time doesn't it? She won't even give me the chance to explain how things descended into this terrible pit (I sent her a letter), as far as I understand I'm just an awful human being who used her and acted like I cared and I can't convince her of anything else. That couldn't be further from the truth, I was impulsive, I undermined my actions, I eroded away at my boundaries little by little and I completely lost control and sight of what truly mattered. I was immature to have taken myself, my happiness, her and her happiness for granted for granted. I never will do that to myself or another human again.

 

Nothing will convince her at the moment, not my regret, not my desire to make things correct and correct myself, nothing, I'd kill for the chance to show her that we can fix this and I can do everything to never ever repeat this but everyone says the only fair thing to do is to give her the space she asked for. I don't know what to try, I dont want to make things worse if that's possible. I want to make things right (I understand that could take years) so badly but if forgiveness and second chances aren't on the table I'm really so lost.

Edited March 13, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[smackie9]

It just happened.....give it time for things to cool off and adjust to normalcy. trust me it will. Those feelings will slowly melt away over time.

[remorsefulguy]

It just happened.....give it time for things to cool off and adjust to normalcy. trust me it will. Those feelings will slowly melt away over time.

 

Adjust to normalcy smackie9...no normal person ****s up this bad. Frankly, I just feel filthy and so insanely stupid, I don't know how I could ever feel normal after betraying someone. Will this always hang over my head/heart in shame and regret, I think so.

Edited March 13, 2017 by remorsefulguy

[mikeylo]

I really don't understand that how could you not know that flirting with others while in a relationship is a big NO and you went too far ! If your ex gf was doing the same thing with another guy or some guy was doing this to your ex gf and she was enjoying it, would you still believe it to be acceptable? No I guess.

 

If you are feeling the way you are , then the only way you can come out of this rut is to get her to talk to you again and start all over.Most likely she won't.If she does, then grab your balls and turn her world upside down, in a good way,lol. Devotion is the only way to redeem here, IF she gives another chance ( most women won't).