Questions regarding breakups and getting back together

[queenie01]

Has anyone ever experienced being in a relationship with someone and it was getting to the point where if you stay with that person you would have to marry them so you just breakup with them out of the blue to go see if the grass is greener...

 

Like you break up to make sure that you are meant to be? If that makes sense?

 

Just curious if things like this happen?

[laRubiaBonita]

Originally posted by queenie01

Has anyone ever experienced being in a relationship with someone and it was getting to the point where if you stay with that person you would have to marry them so you just breakup with them out of the blue to go see if the grass is greener...

 

Like you break up to make sure that you are meant to be? If that makes sense?

 

Just curious if things like this happen?

 

sooo why would you want to purposefully hurt the other person, if you loved them sooo much?

 

i do not understand that ideaology.

[BLF04]

Sometimes I think one of my ex gf's has done that twice to me now. Shes found out that grass isnt greener on the other side. but it isnt as green on my side after she comes back.

[queenie01]

I understand what you mean... just have heard stories of guys who have a great girlfriend then they get scared and run... but basically to find out that the one they ran from was really the one.

 

I am not experiencing this or anything just wondering if anyone ever heard of it?

[smile95]

this happ to me with my 1st love. He cheated, I dumped him and he seemed fine. A while later and to this day he calls me telling me what a mistake he made and how he would give anything to be with me. At this point.....5 yrs later, I could care less and pretty much am annopyed by the sound of his voice.

 

With the current ex. We have broken up many times and he always comes back. I am dumb enough to go back. Not anymore.

 

You do not need him! You broke up for a reason. It is quite normal I am finding that you will miss him and idealize him when he is not your anymore. Remember that if you got back. nothing would change. hang in there. I am doing NC also. But my purpose is to get over him, not win him back.

[eddpad]

Well honestly, I'm a guy and my gf just ended our 4 year relationship 2 months ago. I've only had one girl before her but I knew I wanted to be with her and I'd never think about giving her up. Her however, she's rather young, 19. So she started going out with me since she was 15.

 

She told me the reason for the breakup was because she wanted to be alone, stand on her own two feet for once without anyone there for her. SHe wanted to have fun and have friends, that sort of thing. She made alot of friends at her new work and they are all single and do whatever.

 

She did tell me that there is no other one and I believe her. But, I have to believe thatt he reason might be the whole grass is greener on the other side. Her whole pre-adult life was with me and I guess she wants to feel to live life for herself and just act carefree without being tied down ina relationship.

 

At the same time, she'll most likely date a few guys or whatever and maybe in the end she can realize that I am a good guy. Only time will tell though.

 

My friend, male, broke up with his gf to try out other girls, see if she was the one. She was his first everything. One year later he got back with her and they are great now. And another one of my friends, female, did the same thing. Wanted to experience uni. party a bit and a year later came to him, claiming she loved him and din't care about that life anymore.

[queenie01]

Well that makes sense, your ex is young and wants to experience life a bit. If what you had together was true then she will be back.

 

I don’t even think my breakup is in this category but I wanted to believe that. I guess I want to believe that what we had was special so im going to set him free now. Its been about 3 months and he hasn’t come to any realization that he misses me or wants me back at least from what I can see…

 

So as the saying goes “if you love something set it free if it comes back it was meant to be”

 

So cliché…I know!

[TUDOR]

quunie01, I think you know my story....I did exactly what you described. Do you still think this might be why your guy left?

[queenie01]

I actually do, i really do... but i might be completely wrong. It just doesnt make sense to me why this guy would make future plans with me and say i love you all the time then one day just up and run out on me..

 

If there was another girl it would make more sense.

 

Then the fact that he keeps resurfacing is making me mad too... he emailed me a couple weeks ago to see how my trip to Los Angeles was.. WHY??

 

Then i saw him last week at work and he got on the elevator with me and asked me if i still worked out downstairs...i changed my schedule to avoid him and apparently he noticed.

 

Other than that he doesnt contact me at all, which makes me think maybe he really doesnt care...

 

And his bday was saturday and i didnt acknowledge it : (

[TUDOR]

Well you can either keep doing the same thing you are doing which is avoiding him and moving on or you can break the ice and just ask him? The easy ice breaker would be to tell him belated b-day and why you didn't acknowledge it sooner. Just tell him you are confused by his actions and need to either put some closure on it so you can move on and stop wondering or he will confess the reasons to his actions and maybe it was what you thought. Either way you will keep wondering if you don't put some closure on it some way.

[smile95]

actually do, i really do... but i might be completely wrong. It just doesnt make sense to me why this guy would make future plans with me and say i love you all the time then one day just up and run out on me..

 

Guys say a lot of things. So do girls. Mine had our plans down to where we would get married! They were just words/I finally see that.

 

Move on. If he wants you, he will call. I have to tell myself this all the time. I do not want to have to want someone to want me. Move on with your life. AS much as we love these men, we have to move on.

[queenie01]

Yeah but i think my best bet would be to just leave him be.... if he is having second thoughts i think he would have told me something by now. Its been almost 3 months.

 

He is moving downtown next month into an apt with 2 guy friends...i sort of think he is going thru some early midlife crisis, he just turned 26 and his life is a 180 from where he was when we were dating..

 

he suddenly broke up with me and changed all his plans. He was going to buy a townhouse in the suburbs now he is moving into an apt downtown...

 

I guess only he knows what he truly wants and its so sad because we had something so awesome.

 

If he thinks he can have that initial spark throughout the whole relationship with anyone he is got a rude awakening...unfortutely the "honeymoon stage" doesnt last forever.. relationships take some work.

 

How long was it before you went back to your ex?

[TUDOR]

I was gone about 2 months, maybe closer to 3. I only encourage you to do what is best for you to move on and not have this lingering in your head. For some that means hearing the brutal truth and only he can give that to you. If you think it best to move on with out talking to him again then by all means go for it and don't look back.

 

But you have posted a couple of times now comptiplating why he left and it seems you are tortuing yourself to find the answers to your questions but not asking the one person who has the answers. It's hard to let go of something that was so special to you but holding on to it and beating yourself about why is no way to live. Do what you have to do to move on and get back in the game.

[smile95]

Well we are apart now. For good. We had the nest connection. One that I am afraid I will never find again...one problem. He took me for granted and walked all over me. I had enough after 3 yrs. I did NC 5 diff times and 5 times after a month, h came crawling back with all the right words...I see now they were only words. No action. It is sad. I loved him very much but I know things will never change. It is hard to imagine that I will ever find someone that I connected with on so many levels again, but everyone tells me I will. I have to trust that and so do you. I am not sure how religous you are...but I know that God has a plan for me and I think he knew I would never be happy with this one and he is trying to get him out of my life so that I can meet the right one.

 

I would move on. It is hard. I am trying to myself. I get good memories and all these questions, but in the end. f they loved us....they would be with us. Sometimes it is better NOT knowing what is going on in theor heads. Just know that they loved us at one point. It is not a reflection of you. It is his issues.

[queenie01]

Well I do have tons of questions and would love to know why he really left me. All he keeps saying was "something was missing" from our relationship. He said if i need a specific reason he cant give it to me. He said it was nothing i did or didnt do..

Then he kept reiterating that if we are meant to be then we will get back together. That time apart will let us know if "us" was right etc....

 

I just dont know what to think...i guess i would just love to know if he is happier.

[smile95]

are you sure there is no one else?

[TUDOR]

Are you afraid of what you might hear or not hear and that is why you haven't talked to him since? Life is too short to sit around and wonder what could have been. Get your answers so that you can move on. But also if there is any chance, any chance at all don't let it pass you by for fear of just asking him for you answers and what he might say.

 

Its sad how many people miss the boat in life because niether party made the first move. Kind of like making eye contact at a bar with a stranger all night and knowing your are both interested yet no one says a word only to go your seperate ways and never see each other again.

[smile95]

tudor-that is true, but he has run into her and said nothing. I really think that you should move on and do everything for you. If he comes back and you are single, then consider it fate. If not, you have already moved on and are happy. I know it is easier said than done. You feel that connection I felt with mine. Of course he thinks of you but for some reason, he thinks it is better this way.

[queenie01]

Well I know there was no one else a couple weeks ago because he told me he wasn’t dating anybody…but not sure if he has met someone since then. Im leaning towards no because if he was dating someone he wouldn’t have talked to me in the elevator last week.

 

I saw him last nite at the gym but didn’t look at him. I figure if he wanted anything to do with me he would have come up and said hello and he didn’t.

 

Whenever we have communicated at all since the breakup he focuses on negative stuff. Like he said we were worse then married couples with our routine, etc… ok I will admit our relationship did get monotonous but that was our fault.

 

That’s a good point, that a lot of people miss the boat because both parties are afraid to make the first move. Well I just think that he should come to me if he has regrets because he was the one who ended a good thing.

[BLF04]

I feel for you girls. Its not any easier from a guy's perspective, Im going through a 2nd break up w/ my ex gf. idk the entire story line w/ you girls but what I learned from breaking up is... when you do break up and you want to get back together... STAY OUT OF EACH OTHERS BUSINESS. if you don't you will end up resenting them.

 

Me and my ex gf started dating 4 yrs ago. We dated for 6 months before going to college together, everything was perfect. Well, the honeymoon period ended (for her atleast). And 2 months into college she dumped for another dude. I was a doormat about it, begging her to come back. Well, this guy was a jerk, but a jerk is more appealing then a doormat. Well, 8 months passed and a lot of drama took place. She realized he was jerk and I had a new beautiful gf, we both missed what we had however. We dumped each other's SO to get back together and it never felt right for either of us.

 

We dated for 2 years after and every fight, she would throw the girl I dated in my face. The last few months were bad. I wanted to breakup w/ her, everytime I mentioned she would cry and I would back off. Finally, 2 months ago she broke it off w/ me. She started dating another guy right after me. She cant be single, another story all together. She said she could never get over the girl I dated. Im now 22 and shes 21. I still want her but I think it might be bc she broke it off, not me.

 

My point about staying out of each others business, is that the 2nd time around wasnt the same bc we constantly kept in touch, a.k.a. didnt get over each other and knew what each other was doing w/ others. The 1st time I dated her I would brag and brag about her. Shes beautiful, fun, caring, etc... 2nd time around, how could I brag about her? after what she did?

 

1. Stay out of each other's business while broken up

2. Try to make things come as natural as possiple after getting back together. i.e. take it slow.

[queenie01]

Well its pretty easy to stay out of my exs business considering we dont even say hello to each other..HA!

 

I dont want to know whats going on with him to be honest....he is the one who likes to share that info with me whenever we do talk, but i havent gotten an email from him in 3 weeks now so I guess i wont be hearing from him. Although he did get on the elevator with me last tuesday and started a conversation.

 

It really hurts my feelings to know that I can see him at the health club after work and he cant even have the courtesy to come up and say hello to me. But then again we dont make eye contact because i avoid him like the plague.

 

I dont know if i should think he fears coming up to me because i have been avoiding him and when he did talk to me last week i was short with him? Also maybe the fact that i didnt acknowledge his bday made him mad???

 

All I know is I am at my wits end and have given up...

[BLF04]

My guess is that he is not over you yet, but thats not to say he necessarily wants to get back together.

 

With my ex above I mentioned, when we broke up again, she started the who have you slept with routine then realized she didnt want to know. I think its kind of weird your ex tells you what hes doing, idk if its for jealousy or what? Thats what I used to do with her the first time we broke up.

 

Idk sometimes, my ex has dated this guy for 2 months now (weve been broken up for 2 months) and tells everyone how "happy" she is, all the time. I usually think thats a good indication that deep down your not. plus I heard shes not over me yet.

 

Back to you. Idk how much you two bump into each other. I dont know if you want him back or not. Judging by your last post its sounds "not." I think keeping it short and sayin hi to him when you see him is a good idea if you want him back. If you dont I would ignore him. But what do I know?

 

Thats my problem, I should just get over her. And in my head I think the easiest way is just to be short or ignore them, but when I do that I get the "Why are u being this way?" speech.

[queenie01]

Well I dont know what to think....I am not over him at all and actually i wish more than anything he would come back to me. I miss him a lot and seeing him is very hard.

 

I am being short with him so that I am able to get over him. I dont know why he tells me about his life, although he hasnt done that in about 3 weeks...all i know is that a month ago he told me he was not dating anybody but thats not to say he hasnt met anyone in the past month...but i am thinking no because if he were dating someone he certainly wouldnt have talked to me last tuesday.

 

I feel like such a jerk for not looking at him when i see him but i dont know what else to do. I also feel like a complete jerk for not wishing him a happy bday, it just was not nice of me at all. He did so much for my bday but then again we were together at the time.