Financial disloyalty

[Dolfin80]

A few hundred dollars? I'd be pissed if my partner was upset over me spending a few hundred dollars. I would think they are controlling.

 

I think you have a problem with his Aunty......not the money. A few hundred dollars is nothing. The way I read your post I though he had given her thousands without telling you.

 

No way would I bother telling a partner I've spent or given away a few hundred dollars. For you this stems much deeper and I think it's the accumulation of money over the years (which is alot!) and your problem with her, that's the real problem.

[LSD]

Just to clarify, it's a few hundred dollars ($500 to be exact) a month. It's been a year and a half almost, so $9000, if we're counting. And I'm not sure how long the financial help will be required. To me, that's a lot. I mentioned we're financially ok, as in we don't have a whole lot of debt. It doesn't mean we still don't have to keep an eye on our spendings. I'm so so careful about where I spend, so we're not rich by any means. But, it's not about the money as much as it's about not being made aware of it.

 

My comment about the aunt calling on his cell/at work is being misunderstood. She doesn't call him regularly, like a person would do to keep in touch. Its's mostly only when something is needed. She is a sweet woman though. I've met her a few times, and we have had a pleasant time. But like a few of you have commented, I do have somewhat of a problem with her lack of interest in our lives. So I do sometimes think my H is being taken advantage of, especially when there are requests for designer stuff, video and DSLR cameras. It's not something I have discussed with him (my feelings about it), as I've tried to stay out of it for the most part.

 

As for my reaction, we had one big argument when I first found out, and even in that I told him that I'm upset because he didn't tell me. I never made it about the money. We have helped with 3 weddings in the aunt's family...with thousands of dollars, for which he had to take out a loan. I reminded him that I was ok with that. We have helped the aunt on a monthly basis in the past, and I was ok with that (that too started without my knowledge, but I was ok with it once I found out.) It's the fact that he keeps writing me out of these big financial decisions when it comes to his family. I have considered them my family too, so why not involve me, or at least inform me?

[JS84]

You should be pissed and yes it is a betrayal.

[Dolfin80]

$500 per month is very strange. Is he paying off her mortgage? Sounds very fishy to me. I thought she just needed a few hundred bucks to pay an electricity bill lol. This is a whole different level.

 

Hope there is no financial abuse going on here as it sounds very fishy. Seriously, what would an old lady need $500 a week for?

[LSD]

$500 per month is very strange. Is he paying off her mortgage? Sounds very fishy to me. I thought she just needed a few hundred bucks to pay an electricity bill lol. This is a whole different level.

 

Hope there is no financial abuse going on here as it sounds very fishy. Seriously, what would an old lady need $500 a week for?

 

It's actually not every week...it's every month. They live in another country, where $500 equates to a lot more in the local currency. From what I know, they were living in a rental home. They've just built a house. It's not just the aunt though. There's other family members in the home too, including grandkids, plus her husband, 2 adult (working) married children, and one in high school. I'm sure it's tough with that many people in the house.

[LSD]

 

I've been cheated on, it's nowhere near the same. But I understand that you feel betrayed.....but count your blessings he's giving money to a relative instead of giving his body and heart to another woman.

 

 

I understand what you mean. I'll admit, that was an overreaction on my part.

[LSD]

 

My first Q is for you? Why aren't you paying enough attention to your families finances that you didn't notice these payments.

 

Without getting into too many details, we do have a joint account, which I check on a regular basis, as I make the bill payments myself. There's also a separate business account. From what he's told me, that's the account he has been using to send money. Not to say, he had not offered me access to the account when he first opened it, but at the time, I didn't feel it necessary. I didn't think there were any non-business related transactions.

[NTV]

I'm glad we could help some!

[aileD]

This is common in some cultures when one person moves to a different country they are expected to send back money to support their family. You may have to accept that. Maybe he knew you wouldn't understand so he didn't tell you.

 

But he needs to understand that lying by omission is still a lie and not okay in your culture or any marriage. P

[Mr. Lucky]

Your reaction is normal, the degree to which it's affected you is not.

 

Your H needs to be honest but so do you in being upfront regarding what this is really about. Angst over staying home? Power struggle? Might be worth figuring out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MrInternational]

I'd say you way overreacted.

 

Some people call this 'lying.' Where was the lie? If he didn't tell her he was giving his aunt money, that's not a lie. He just didn't tell her.

 

Please don't follow the example of some on the forum who accused him of lying for not telling you. That's a way to make someone angry at you, wrongly accuse them of lying. Also, it is possible he did tell you about the money sent to his aunt. Has he ever talked to you late at night when you had difficulty concentrating? My wife has told me things I'd forgotten or only had a vague recollection of. And he may have not told you and genuinely believed that he had. Accusing him of lying or infidelity is way over the top.

 

Does a man have to tell his wife all the money he gives away? Where is that written? That might be a norm among Gen-Xers or Gen-Yers, but it's not some absolute standard of morality. In many cultures a man may make these kinds of decisions and there is no social obligation to tell his wife.

 

Is this the money from his own earnings that he is sending to an aunt who was like a mother to him? If mother were in need and my wife objected to me sending her money, I would send her money if I could. You just have to do the right thing sometimes, and then the choice is to have a confrontation over it, or sneak it to her. Fortunately, my mom is doing okay, and my wife and I both believe in supporting parents, so it is not a point of argument. If her parents need help and I can do it, I try to help out. I don't think I've ever turned her down for a request to help out her parents for their own needs.

[somanymistakes]

Does a man have to tell his wife all the money he gives away? Where is that written? That might be a norm among Gen-Xers or Gen-Yers, but it's not some absolute standard of morality. In many cultures a man may make these kinds of decisions and there is no social obligation to tell his wife.

 

Is this the money from his own earnings

 

While yes it may vary by culture, in many cultures once you are married there is not supposed to be 'his earnings' and 'her earnings' anymore, there are only 'marital assets'. One spouse may not contribute as much in terms of bringing in cash, but does other things - managing the books, perhaps, doing the bookkeeping and paying the bills, keeping the house clean, looking after the kids, preparing meals, finding the best bargains for home maintenance, all sorts of things that allow the other partner to get on with their job unencumbered.

 

Which is why the marital assets have to be divided up in the case of divorce. It is a partnership. Both partners contribute.

[Got it]

While yes it may vary by culture, in many cultures once you are married there is not supposed to be 'his earnings' and 'her earnings' anymore, there are only 'marital assets'. One spouse may not contribute as much in terms of bringing in cash, but does other things - managing the books, perhaps, doing the bookkeeping and paying the bills, keeping the house clean, looking after the kids, preparing meals, finding the best bargains for home maintenance, all sorts of things that allow the other partner to get on with their job unencumbered.

 

Which is why the marital assets have to be divided up in the case of divorce. It is a partnership. Both partners contribute.

 

No kidding! I think this gets forgotten.

 

Jeez, what about the wife then? Does she have to communicate or is this just a perk of being a man???

 

I swear, the misogny that some posters like to trot out as if it is normal and reasonable.

[d0nnivain]

Without getting into too many details, we do have a joint account, which I check on a regular basis, as I make the bill payments myself. There's also a separate business account. From what he's told me, that's the account he has been using to send money. Not to say, he had not offered me access to the account when he first opened it, but at the time, I didn't feel it necessary. I didn't think there were any non-business related transactions.

 

 

That behavior could get him in legal trouble. If you have a company you are supposed to keep business assets & expenses separate from personal ones. Failure to do so may put your personal assets at risk in the event of a business claim.

 

 

Is your husband offering up more transparency now?

 

 

Again, what he did -- helping his aunt -- was nice thing. The way he went about it -- behind your back -- is the problem.

[MrInternational]

There shouldn't be any legal issues if he's been sending money to his aunt out of an account if he runs a sole proprietership. But in most cases, it does not make sense to have a sole proprietership if the business has any legal liability.

 

It doesn't cost much to have an LLC. A business can also be set up as another kind of corporation.

 

Corporations offer limited liability, meaning if a corporation, and LLC, for example, can't pay a debt, the creditor can only go after the LLC, not your hous and other assets. That is true unless you sign as individuals for the loan. If there is a lawsuit, only the LLC can be sued in most cases, and the plaintiff can only expect to get the LLC's assets, not your own personal assets.

 

If you treat a corporate bank account like your own personal funds, and it goes to court, you could be held legally liable, personally. Of course, he could have taken the money he used for his aunt out the legal way.

[hrow]

Well, first of all, I am sorry that he didn't share this information with you. But, may be he knew that you would be upset if he told you so he didn't want to argue but he knew that he wanted to do it. Sometimes men keep stuff to themselves. It helps them keep their independence. It would really help him if you could just say "well, I wish you would have told me but ok. Let's move on in life." To hold on to it just going to create tension and more distance between you. We all get hurt at times but forgiveness and moving forward is the key. If you aren't able to do that then possibly consider talking to someone so you can get it off your chest. It might help you to process with someone and then let it go. I think it shows maturity and acceptance if you can forgive especially when it hurts. Ask yourself would he do the same or would he move on ? The answer may surprise you!

 

 

Blessings

H