UPDATE, he contacts me from time to time, I don't contact him bk

[jacxie]

That's right. We've met few years ago, we both had relationships, we became friends. After 2 years I broke up with my boyfriend and moved to another country, we lost contact, I came back next year and we reunited. He told me he's getting married, I was happy for him, we've talked a lot and this has brought us closer together.

 

Three weeks before his wedding we've slept together, the next day I felt really bad, we've decided not to tell his fiancee and move on. I disappeared, I didn't want to cause more troubles. He found me a few months later and said that he couldn't stop thinking about what happened that night, he couldn't stop thinking about me. I didn't want to talk to him and I asked him to leave me alone. He did for few more months and messaged me again, I don't know why but I've met up with him and we did have sex again, after that we became a super close friends, we've been talking everyday, he said he fell for me, he cares for me and he thought that he made a mistake by getting married.

 

During this time he found out his wife was pregnant, I wanted to leave him alone, but he begged me to stay, he was saying how much he cares for me, how much he wants to be with me, I was 100% sure that this is something so special between us, like this is something different than other affairs. I fell in love with him like crazy, he became the most important person in my life, I totally lost control over it. We spent some quality time together. Of course I had doubts, a lot... but I loved him. I don't know what I was thinking, I think I secretly hoped he will leave his wife.

 

Serious issues started last week when his baby was born. For some reason, it broke my heart because I imagined how happy they must be, I imagined him in the hospital with his wife, when they are together taking care of the baby, I was thinking about him and his wife having sex again... and I just couldn't do it. That's too much to me to handle, his wife loves him and she has no idea about what's happening. She has no idea her husband was sleeping with another woman, she doesn't know he was saying he cares for me and maybe he made a mistake, she doesn't know he was buying me presents for my birthday, she doesn't know we were going out together... this visualization hit me like a wrecking ball, even stronger. What the heck I was thinking? I was so stupid, I feel like I just wasted my time. Every minute with this guy was POINTLESS. I am hurt, extremely hurt, I invested time and my feelings which is worse. How long will i heal now? 6 months, a year, two...? How much time do I need to forget about him? When will I stop crying and missing him? Will I ever be ready for a new relationship, will I ever be ready to forgive myself for cheating on his wife? I'm disgusted, sick in my stomach, I just feel like throwing up. I'm a mess. He still contacts me, asking for not quitting, saying he wants me and he will miss me. What am I supposed to do? I love him, but we can't be together.

 

It was the biggest mistake I ever made. I'm telling you - if you ever consider getting into an affair - PLEASE DON'T. Even if the guy loves you, you will never be together, ever. This is just something it will never happen. I've been here for a while, I was reading some of the stories, there are some women that have an affair, thinking they are special - you don't. Run. I thought the same thing, I thought I am special, I thought our situation is different - no, IT'S NOT. I was being naive, extremely naive. This is going nowhere, you will end up hurt, this is hard. I can't stop thinking about him and my heart broke into million pieces. I hope you read it and think again if you really want to be that second woman.

[jacxie]

This hurt so bad

[NTV]

I bet it hurts. Thank you for sharing I know it's hard to admit something like this to yourself let alone others.

 

More folks will come with more advice. ..it does tend to be slow on the weekends.

 

What are you doing to distract yourself?

[jacxie]

Thank you for the reply.

 

You are very right - it was hard to admit it, but I hope that someone who reads it will reconsider having an affair. We don't think about consequences, we are just happy and try to enjoy the moment, we think this will last forever and there will be a happy ending. In real life this isn't going to be that beautiful.

 

I went for a walk, called my friend, I tried to watch a movie, but it doesn't help. I am not even going to work tomorrow, I just packed and went to my parent's beach house to stay away from this all for few days. And I knew he'd come to my house to talk, but that is the last thing I want.

[BTDT2012]

I just packed and went to my parent's beach house to stay away from this all for few days. And I knew he'd come to my house to talk, but that is the last thing I want.

Good for you. Don't allow him to sway you in your resolve. Stay strong. Edited December 11, 2016 by BTDT2012

[Satu]

Trust your own inner voice to point you in the right direction.

 

You have inside you all the wisdom and strength you need to heal.

 

You will get through this.

 

 

Take care.

[anika99]

You won't get over him as long as you are allowing him to contact you and speak to you. You may have to get nasty with him to make him leave you alone. Threaten to tell his wife everything or tell him you will contact the police to make a complaint of harassment.

[jacxie]

Thank you guys.

[freengreen]

You realised. Giant step...make sure you dont look back. You will be fine .

[jacxie]

You realised. Giant step...make sure you dont look back. You will be fine .

 

I have learned my lesson, but I hope that more people would realize it rather sooner than later...

[HeCantBreakMe]

OP it sounds like you are truly ready to walk away. A couple pieces of advice I have for you. You will have tough days VERY TOUGH days. Where you hurt and you cry and you have the shakes because you want to contact him- these wont last. Walk through these times and just know it. will. not. last- but it will come and go it is the nature of the beast.. Eventually they will lessen over time.

 

Also, if you have a misstep and you contact him or do something stupid - do not give up. Call it a relapse, bad judgement call, whatever you need to but get up dust yourself off and keep walking.

 

Oh, and all social media is a NO NO. Block and delete him, his wife, his mom, his entire clan- take that temptation away because the pain will make you want to reach out and you don't need that.

 

Good luck!!

[Bufo]

I haven't posted his story in a while. Veterans can skip this post as you've probably seen it before

 

My wife of 30 years was an OW to a MM before we met. That's not entirely accurate as we had socially met but paid no attention to each other as I was in an LTR and she was deep into her affair. But she ended the A and I broke up with lt gf. Then we met again. I don think we even remembered each other. But something clicked and we ended up married.

 

The moral of the story is that while you may feel helpless now, you cannot know what will happen next week or month or year.

[jacxie]

OP it sounds like you are truly ready to walk away. A couple pieces of advice I have for you. You will have tough days VERY TOUGH days. Where you hurt and you cry and you have the shakes because you want to contact him- these wont last. Walk through these times and just know it. will. not. last- but it will come and go it is the nature of the beast.. Eventually they will lessen over time.

 

Also, if you have a misstep and you contact him or do something stupid - do not give up. Call it a relapse, bad judgement call, whatever you need to but get up dust yourself off and keep walking.

 

Oh, and all social media is a NO NO. Block and delete him, his wife, his mom, his entire clan- take that temptation away because the pain will make you want to reach out and you don't need that.

 

Good luck!!

 

I'll try my best Thank you for your advice.

[Tressugar]

Thank you for posting your experience, Jacxie. This really helps me.

[jacxie]

Thank you for posting your experience, Jacxie. This really helps me.

 

I'm glad I was able to help

[jacxie]

Just having a hard day today.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Just having a hard day today.

 

These days will happen... Just breathe and NEVER act on your emotions especially when they are the strongest. Let them come and go and then decide how you want to proceed.

[jacxie]

These days will happen... Just breathe and NEVER act on your emotions especially when they are the strongest. Let them come and go and then decide how you want to proceed.

 

I was going through the files on my computer and found our old pictures together, I felt like I was hit by lightning, it was an awful feeling. I have deleted some of the pictures, but not all... The memories came flooding back. I won't contact him, no. It just made me feel a little low.

[CommittedToThis]

Just having a hard day today.

 

Perhaps today is the day to spoil yourself a little bit, reward yourself for being strong and doing the morally right thing in spite of the devastation and pain you're feeling.

 

Keeping busy and distracted helps.

 

Do you have an appetite? Maybe order-in Chinese food and watch something on Netflix. Or take a nice walk for 1/2 hour, look at Christmas lights. Take a bubble-bath and listen to Mozart or Ramones, or both. Call a friend or a relative and tell them you've got the holiday blues (no need to mention any details). Read a trashy novel until you're ready to hit the sack, then get a great night's sleep.

 

When you wake up tomorrow, forgive yourself, tell yourself you love yourself, and ask "What is my intent for today?" It can be anything -- just trying not to cry, or to be kind to a stranger.

 

Do this every day and within weeks, give or take, you'll start feeling yourself again, and start gaining some true objectivity as to this nightmarish situation you've wisely extracted yourself from.

 

Hugs.

[jacxie]

Perhaps today is the day to spoil yourself a little bit, reward yourself for being strong and doing the morally right thing in spite of the devastation and pain you're feeling.

 

Keeping busy and distracted helps.

 

Do you have an appetite? Maybe order-in Chinese food and watch something on Netflix. Or take a nice walk for 1/2 hour, look at Christmas lights. Take a bubble-bath and listen to Mozart or Ramones, or both. Call a friend or a relative and tell them you've got the holiday blues (no need to mention any details). Read a trashy novel until you're ready to hit the sack, then get a great night's sleep.

 

When you wake up tomorrow, forgive yourself, tell yourself you love yourself, and ask "What is my intent for today?" It can be anything -- just trying not to cry, or to be kind to a stranger.

 

Do this every day and within weeks, give or take, you'll start feeling yourself again, and start gaining some true objectivity as to this nightmarish situation you've wisely extracted yourself from.

 

Hugs.

 

I left my city on Sunday, I drove down the seaside to spend some time alone, my parents want to come for a day and have fun. I'm not ready to go back home just yet. There are still some of his stuff in my apartment, our pictures, I know I'm not ready to face the reality without him, there are so many memories... I think I will have to move out and find something else, I live in his area because we wanted to keep short distance from each other.

The thing is that I watch movies, read books, listen to music, go for a walk etc, but everything reminds me of him... I hate seeing couples, they hug, they kiss and I'm what? I can eventually kiss my dog that actually hates it ??

I keep working, it helps a little, though.

[jacxie]

Some of you know my story (previous thread). Basically, I have had an affair with my long term friend, I've decided to end it last Sunday. I hid in our family house outside the town, I returned today to my appartment. I've blocked him, I decided to go total NC, I didn't talk to him while I was there and today I felt pretty good, i was ready to move on and forget about him. Everything would be good except the fact that when I arrived there was a huge bouquet of flowers with a ticket saying "you didn't give me a chance to explain myself, please contact me".

 

I was thinking about it for few hours before I decided to call him and give him a chance to actually explain himself. He came with another bouquet of flowers, he was very sweet obviously, he wanted to kiss me. I was strong, I didn't even let him to touch me, I was just listening. He said he was thinking about this all and realized he loves me and wants to be only with me. He promised to divorce his wife, but I said that i don't want him anymore which was obviously a lie..., but I wanted to make it clear that I will never be with him while he's married. I said it's up to him what he's gonna do. I'll keep NC, but he won't give up on me. I don't know what to think about all this, it left me confused. Just wanted to share.

Edited December 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads ~6

[goodyblue]

Hey.

 

My m began as an a so please believe me when I tell you that it is ok if you want to believe him, but please do it under the protection of NC. Beginning a r that is going to be long term with an affair is a sh*tty way to start.

 

Give him time to sort himself out. You will be glad when he does it right. Make him respect your boundaries.

 

Good luck.

[Satu]

A friendly reminder:

 

 

NC has to be applied 100% for it to work.

 

99% = 0

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

Take care.

[Poppy47]

REading the beginning of this thread, you wanted to end it, then YOU contacted him to explain himself?

 

He got married and had a baby with his wife. That seems pretty plain to me.

 

 

It's up to you to say NO and really mean it.

 

NC means one hundred perecent compliance. 99% is no good.

 

It's nonsense to say he won't leave you alone. The onus is on you. If you let him contact you... of course he will. You are a grown up and should let him know you mean what you say.... if you do of course. I don't think you are serious at all.

 

Poppy.

[Satu]

I mean no offence, but I can't the number of times OW's have said here that they're doing NC, when what they are really doing is Waiting and Hoping, ready to jump when the phone rings.

 

There's no shame in that, but there is a bucketful of self-deception.

 

No blame.

 

 

Take care.