aileD Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 I'll keep NC, but he won't give up on me. I don't know what to think about all this, it left me confused. Just wanted to share. Don't fret, He WILL give up on you once he realizes that you are going to stay strong and stick to no context unless he is actually divorced. Stay strong hon. If he really means it he'll do it. You know he won't though. Get healthy for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 What really needs to be given up is not him; it's the hope and the dream. I'm not saying its easy. I know it isn't. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babycat05 Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 If I learn from my situation, it's to always remember the bad feelings at the end. Don't remember the good times or see the good in him. It makes the NC easier. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacxie Posted December 17, 2016 Author Share Posted December 17, 2016 Hey. My m began as an a so please believe me when I tell you that it is ok if you want to believe him, but please do it under the protection of NC. Beginning a r that is going to be long term with an affair is a sh*tty way to start. Give him time to sort himself out. You will be glad when he does it right. Make him respect your boundaries. Good luck. Thank you, I will do that Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacxie Posted December 17, 2016 Author Share Posted December 17, 2016 REading the beginning of this thread, you wanted to end it, then YOU contacted him to explain himself? He got married and had a baby with his wife. That seems pretty plain to me. It's up to you to say NO and really mean it. NC means one hundred perecent compliance. 99% is no good. It's nonsense to say he won't leave you alone. The onus is on you. If you let him contact you... of course he will. You are a grown up and should let him know you mean what you say.... if you do of course. I don't think you are serious at all. Poppy. I know, it was stupid right. I am serious, I wanted to hear what he has to say because I didn't let him to do that, in fact. I haven't thrown myself on him, I kept my distance, he knows I won't contact him and he can't contact me. He has to sort out his life, decide what he really wants. I won't disturb him, there is no point. I'm tired of this A, I don't want to do this anymore. He is important to me, I'm not gonna say that he's not. I just want to focus on myself. I can't really tell what's gonna happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aesc Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) It was the biggest mistake I ever made. I'm telling you - if you ever consider getting into an affair - PLEASE DON'T. Even if the guy loves you, you will never be together, ever. This is just something it will never happen. I've been here for a while, I was reading some of the stories, there are some women that have an affair, thinking they are special - you don't. Run. I thought the same thing, I thought I am special, I thought our situation is different - no, IT'S NOT. I was being naive, extremely naive. This is going nowhere, you will end up hurt, this is hard. I can't stop thinking about him and my heart broke into million pieces. I hope you read it and think again if you really want to be that second woman. I'm not recommending that anyone has an affair, but some affairs do end up into successful relationships. There are many reasons why some have affairs and sometimes the reasons are credible. History records many examples. Edited December 19, 2016 by Aesc Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 I'm not recommending that anyone has an affair, but some affairs do end up into successful relationships. There are many reasons why some have affairs and sometimes the reasons are credible. History records many examples. Maybe, but why. Why go through the pain of affairs when there are so many single people out there. I went through a year long affair and have realized none of it was worth it. Had we ended up together it still wouldn't have been worth it.. There is no reason, not justified by love or any of that crap, that an affair is okay even if they end up in a successful loving relationship it just isn't credible or worth it in any regards. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 There is always a better option. Ending relationships is tough under most circumstances, adding in an affair only makes it worse. Truth be told, rarely does a person actually enter an affair thinking my relationship is over, or the AP relationship is over. It's pure justification after the fact. It's never OK or credible to have an affair, you simply risk too much. Even if you don't care if your spouse/SO gets hit by a bus. You still compromise yourself. Even if you go on to start a relationship with the AP it's still something that started with dishonesty deciet and secrets. It will most likely carry over into that relationship. Relationships don't have affairs, people do. Since the person in that affair is the same ones in the relationship the problem is still there. People may not like it, but the bottom line is people who have affairs are not emotionally healthy, and have poor boundaries, that doesn't change because you change partners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 OP - why would you want a man who marries, impregnates and then leaves a woman right after childbirth - when she's at her most vulnerable? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 It's not about him. It's about the OP. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SnowWhiteWins Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 If you want him to leave you alone, forget "telling the police.". Tell his wife. Be gentle, be truthful. Tell her everything. Offer her proof. He'll be too busy with the fallout that the last thing he will want is to continue with you. I'm sorry you are hurting. Lesson learned. Make better choices in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aesc Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) Maybe, but why. Why go through the pain of affairs when there are so many single people out there. I went through a year long affair and have realized none of it was worth it. Had we ended up together it still wouldn't have been worth it.. There is no reason, not justified by love or any of that crap, that an affair is okay even if they end up in a successful loving relationship it just isn't credible or worth it in any regards. The heart is treacherous, who can know it? Even if an affair isn't worth it, many choose to have one, regardless. As humans, we often learn the hard way. It may appear to be a viable alternative, rather than a lonely marriage or a messy divorce etc. Sometimes a marriage is over way before divorce papers are filed! Edited December 19, 2016 by Aesc Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) The heart is treacherous, who can know it? Even if an affair isn't worth it, many choose to have one, regardless. As humans, we often learn the hard way. It may appear to be a viable alternative, rather than a lonely marriage or a messy divorce etc. Sometimes the marriage is over way before divorce papers are filed! Poor choices, poor boundaries, selfishness, unhealthy need of validation all happen long before the heart and emotions are involved, and doesn't need a bad marriage or relationship to manifest themselves. In fact they usually go hand and hand with a bad marriage. Really it's all excuses to absolve one of being a lying deceitful person. It's very hard to admit to ones self that I'm a crappy spouse who chose an escape over dealing with my issues. It's much easier to say my spouse was crappy and this wouldnt have happen if they weren't or this other person is the love of my life. Here is the rub, with or without an affair, you still have to deal with the issues that you claim created the affair, why would you add more crap to the pile. It's unhealthy reasoning and only makes matters worse. Edited December 19, 2016 by DKT3 Link to post Share on other sites
Aesc Posted December 19, 2016 Share Posted December 19, 2016 (edited) Poor choices, poor boundaries, selfishness, unhealthy need of validation all happen long before the heart and emotions are involved, and doesn't need a bad marriage or relationship to manifest themselves. In fact they usually go hand and hand with a bad marriage. Really it's all excuses to absolve one of being a lying deceitful person. It's very hard to admit to ones self that I'm a crappy spouse who chose an escape over dealing with my issues. It's much easier to say my spouse was crappy and this wouldnt have happen if they weren't or this other person is the love of my life. Here is the rub, with or without an affair, you still have to deal with the issues that you claim created the affair, why would you add more crap to the pile. It's unhealthy reasoning and only makes matters worse. Please believe me, I do agree with you in principle. I think a lot of it is about self discovery and maybe even failed personal growth. It's not like all of us know who we are and what we are doing when we get married. The divorce rate is plenty high to begin with, even without affairs! I've always wondered why it is so easy to get a Marriage License as compared to getting a Drivers License. To get a Drivers License, you have to take Drivers Education, then obtain a Learners Permit. Next you have to practice and establish your driving skills. Lastly you have to pass a written test and finally a driving test on the road. Then they take a lousy picture of you LOL. What do you have to do to get married? Not much. Edited December 19, 2016 by Aesc Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacxie Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 My previous thread - I ended an affair, moved out. Yes I do miss him, I feel like I lost something that was an important piece in life. I truly loved him, that's the worst part, I gave him everything, he was my soulmate, he was perfect for me, the only thing - he was already married. Since last contact, I have not contacted him, but he has. Many, many times. I really wanted to move on, I even had a few dates and was seeing a guy for a bit. It didn't work, every time I was with them I thought of xMM, that "he would do it differently" or "say something more positive", so I gave up on dating. I liked those guys at first and I was all excited about the meeting, but was so disappointed after and it made me feel very, very low for the rest of the evening. I do miss him like crazy, i'm nearly 30 and I've never had this closure with nobody, I never felt so comfortable with no one, I've never clicked with anyone like I did with him. He contacts me, but I don't respond. He even messaged me "I am divorcing my wife", I said nothing, he said he will try to get me back but I don't want him to divorce his wife and family for me, only if he really wants it. That's why I don't contact him, I don't want to start any conversation, I think it's better this way. Just wanted to share. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
1fish2fish Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 If you really want him to stop contacting you, maybe do what I did. Forward the next correspondence to his wife. That FINALLY ended all communication! His little breadcrumbs are cruel and he's only thinking of his own ego here. He'll continue to try to get a response from you so be prepared for even more mind f*ckery. It will only prevent your heart from healing and being able to move on completely. Good luck! You deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacxie Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 If you really want him to stop contacting you, maybe do what I did. Forward the next correspondence to his wife. That FINALLY ended all communication! His little breadcrumbs are cruel and he's only thinking of his own ego here. He'll continue to try to get a response from you so be prepared for even more mind f*ckery. It will only prevent your heart from healing and being able to move on completely. Good luck! You deserve better. It's not difficult to find a fbuddy, why won't he do it. There are many other woman like me, he should try his luck elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 It's not difficult to find a fbuddy, why won't he do it. There are many other woman like me, he should try his luck elsewhere. Like the old you, not the new you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 Good for you for ignoring him. Now take it a step further and block him, make it impossible for him to contact you. Even though you aren't replying back to him, NC is being broken. Every time he contacts you, he's in your head and heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacxie Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Good for you for ignoring him. Now take it a step further and block him, make it impossible for him to contact you. Even though you aren't replying back to him, NC is being broken. Every time he contacts you, he's in your head and heart. He will always be there I think, I will never get over the fact that he's already married. Maybe I will be alone forever, maybe I will find someone that will make me feel like he did, I don't know. I've previously blocked him twice, he always get the nerve to reach me out, somehow. So, I just learned to ignore it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacxie Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Like the old you, not the new you. I meant that there are many women who do in bed what I do, and other stuff too. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 If he offered to divorce his wife ...? I mean that's a pretty big statement no ? Link to post Share on other sites
StormyEyes Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 If he offered to divorce his wife ...? I mean that's a pretty big statement no ? Who knows if he is telling the truth. So many married men say they are divorcing... they rarely do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jacxie Posted March 10, 2017 Author Share Posted March 10, 2017 Who knows if he is telling the truth. So many married men say they are divorcing... they rarely do. Exactly, that's what I mean. They will tell everything to get us back and after that everything is back to normal. if he really wants it, he will do it no matter what. Like I said, I don't want him to leave his wife for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted March 11, 2017 Share Posted March 11, 2017 Just keep ignoring it. My xMM does the same. It's been a year now since I ended it (HOORAY!) and I'm in another relationship that is wonderful. (This is totally possible, if you open yourself to it.) Occasionally the xMM will try to text or email me, and see how I'm doing. Whatever. Delete. He's looking to re-engage with me and maybe get his needs met again. He is the same person he always was and learned nothing from the A. I am not the same person and learned a lot. If you feel the contact is slowing your healing or growth, then block him. Otherwise, just keep ignoring it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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