Lonely...not sure what's up.

[karenina21]

Hello all.

 

I am not new to this forum, but I haven't posted in a very long time. I am hoping someone can help me with some perspective.

 

I love my husband. We met 16 years ago and have been married for almost 9 years. Generally we get along, and he says he loves me every day. But, he works constantly and travels a lot. He leaves the house before 7 a.m. and gets home at 7 p.m. or later. I work from home mostly, but occasionally meet clients outside of the home. My friends do not live close by, so I don't see much of them. So, long story short, I am lonely.

 

When my husband is home and we are together, there's usually just enough time to eat a very late supper, watch a bit of TV, and go to bed. I don't get much conversation time because he's too tired. And lately he stares at his tablet or phone and we barely interact. I'll get a hug if I ask or I give him one. An occasional kiss on the cheek or lip. But we don't cuddle, we don't snuggle like we used to, and we haven't had sex in months.

 

I will admit that I have some issues with pain that has caused a hiatus, but I also just wonder what's going on. Is he stressed out and that's why there's not much affection? Does he not find me attractive anymore? I try to raise these issues calmly but he says everything's fine and drops the subject. Well, I'm not fine. I'm lonely. But if I bring that up, he angrily asks what should he do, quit his job? Which he obviously can't.

 

I lost my Dad the day after Thanksgiving in 2015, and the past 15 months have not been easy. My parents were married almost 45 years and my Mom is lost without him. We have all been trying to pick up the pieces but again, it's tough because I'm lonely and so is my Mom.

 

So I guess I ask what you all think is going on, and what I might do about this. I love my husband dearly and want to figure out how we can be closer. I miss him.

 

Thanks for reading.

[olivetree]

Hi Karenina,

 

I can see why you would feel lonely.

I am sorry about your dad.

It must be hard to go through that and now you no longer feel like your husband is present.

 

I am wondering if your husband might be having an affair.

You said quite a few things that point to an affair:

 

-He works and travels a lot.

It might be the case but it's also the perfect cover.

Did his schedule change?

If so, when?

-He is on his phone a lot.

Is he also protective with his phone?

Carry it with him everywhere?

-The sex and affection has dried up.

When did this change occur?

-He is distant.

It's pretty hard to be into your spouse when your emotional energy is focused on someone else.

[stillafool]

Can you make plans to get together with your friends on the weekends when he is away? Sometimes it is lonely working at home especially if your husband travels a lot. You don't get to see and talk to many people.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry that you are lonely. I just want to offer a virtual hug.

 

I too have lost a parent, and that is a desperately lonely feeling (particularly when you watch your other parent struggle).

 

I too have a partner and for various reasons, we don't have as much time together as we would like to have.

 

Many of my best friends have all moved away, and I miss them sometimes. The friends I have nearby are so busy with their children and their families, we don't find enough time to see each other either.

 

And, it can be very lonely, working at home all day.

 

I think, it's important for you to try and get out... go work at a coffee shop if you can, join a gym or an exercise group, find a new hobby and try to expand your social circle. And most importantly, on the days that you do have with your husband, try to do something fun together... think back to the things you did when you were dating and do that again!

 

Best wishes. It's a tough time in life - working long hours, dealing with children and/or aging and I'll parents. I hope you are feeling better soon.

[GunslingerRoland]

So he works/commutes over 80 hours a week? That is about double the average person.

 

So the question becomes, why does he work so much? Is it for financial reasons? is it an important job that he can't get away from, like business ownership or being a doctor?

 

Because realistically people aren't made to work that kind of hours for years on end. People burn out, and it sounds like both of you are burned out from it. I don't know what other issues are going on, and I don't want to speculate about affairs or whatnot since you didn't really provide any sense that anything was amiss. But I think everyone needs some work life balance.

 

Also, it sounds like you need to get out more. You are relying too much on him for your socialization. If you work in an isolated environment, and you don't know people locally, you are going to have to find some ways to get out socially and meet people.

[BaileyB]

Also wondering the same thing - why does he work so much and is is possible for him to find another job that would bring him closer to home/require less hours per week.

 

What is the priority, his job or your marriage?

[karenina21]

His commute is an hour and 15 minutes in the morning and can be much longer at night due to traffic and where we currently live. He is also a workaholic. We have talked about this. He gets angry and threatens to quit his job and I just shut up. I have multiple sclerosis and gave up my high powered corporate career a few years ago to focus on owning my own small business. It is moderately successful, but I don't make anywhere near the money I used to. I know that he feels financial pressure. However he's the only one in the office, by the sound of it, that works the hours he does. He is never home and when he is, he is not "here." Now he might ask about my day or tease me gently or joke with me or try to tickle me, but that's it. No initiation for sex, no cuddling, not many kisses or hugs, yet he'll sing "You are my sunshine" to me and says he loves me several times a day. I don't get it. Our sex life pretty much stopped like six months ago. Part of it is I have pain at times during intercourse. The other part is being too tired, and that goes for us both. I have asked him to look for another job, but he'd take a major pay cut to find one where we live. I've mentioned wanting to move closer to the metro area so we both have options, but he just kicks the can down the road when it comes to that. I do what I can, but things around the house that majorly need doing are not getting done because he is never home to do it. We need a major cleanout of our downstairs and our spare room upstairs. He won't let me call someone to haul out the junk, insisting he can do it himself. And we do get things done piecemeal, a bag or two out for the trash or Goodwill here and there. But I'm just frustrated and lonely and feel about as attractive as a brick wall.

[karenina21]

I also don't want to think that he's doing anything amiss, because he's had this schedule for years. But the slowly waning affection and lack of sex are more recent. Maybe it's my fault partially too. I kind of gave up because he was always so tired, but when someone is distant, how am I supposed to feel like giving the attention I used to, either? By the time he comes home, I am exhausted after a full day myself, so I am in my pajamas with no makeup. Perhaps he doesn't think I'm pretty anymore? I do think he is burned out, and he has gained a lot of weight and doesn't eat as well as he should, at all. I try to plan meals but I never know when he will be home. So my choice is to wait until we're both starving and he finally gets home, or eat earlier by myself. If we go out to eat, he looks at his phone until I make him put it away. We'll have conversation but not for hours or in depth like as much as we used to. On occasion I do join my Mom and family for meals or to get out. Again, my friends live distantly, so I can't see them often. I do take piano lessons and practice at night, which does bring me some happiness. And I have two wonderful little black cats.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Karen, from what you've written apparently you two have no kids. If that is true was it a mutual choice or did Nature have a hand in that? I think having a child/children has a bonding effect on husband and wife. Of course it can be stressful but overall it fulfills a natural need in us I guess.

 

That said have you tried being a bit creative in doing things apart from your business which can keep you engaged and happily occupied. Why must you be in your pyjamas when your husband comes home? Why not dress up a bit for him? How old are the two of you? If you find that your husband is not taking the initiative to change things around maybe you can take it upon yourself to do something to bring a little excitement and energy into your otherwise humdrum life. Does your husband have a hobby or something he is passionate about? If so you could maybe organize something around that. Is your disorder very disabling? Also is it progressive? If it is neither then it is up to you to help make your lives a little more interesting than the rut it is in. I'm sure you'll think of something! Warm wishes.

[Mr.Empty]

It sounds like your husband is actually a really great guy...nothing you've written would give me cause for concern that there's anything outside the marriage going on.

 

Have you had an open enough discussion with him about your desire for sex? Some men will discount that their wives really want it, and if he thinks/knows that there is discomfort for you, he may feel like 'pushing' for sex is a selfish act he doesn't want to pressure you in to.

 

This is just from my own perspective so may or may not apply to your situation.

 

Sometimes you need to be very specific...maybe do some research on your own to see what type of sexual activities/positions might be most comfortable for you and then ask him to help experiment with you.

 

Another suggestion might be to initiate something more spontaneous. Don't always wait for the end of the day to flop in bed and then wonder if something might happen. Can 'jump' him as soon as he walks through the door or maybe step in the shower with him on a weekend (or when you know he's not rushed to get out the door).

 

The general lonliness thing is a tough one. I can relate to it as I work from home almost exclusively and my wife works late hours. She's been coming home early recently but after the kids are in bed, she's back on her computer working until almost midnight. Not having adult interaction can make you go a bit crazy so know it's not a struggle you're facing alone. If all friends/family live far away, it takes effort to try and get into the community alone, volunteer, etc. to try and make some new connections. I find myself driving 1-1.5hrs every month or so just to meet up and have a beer with a few friends for the sake of my own sanity. What another poster said about relying too much on your husband as your sole source of a social life is hard for both of you.

 

Good luck!

[karenina21]

Especially for the perspective from the two guys.

 

I have tried talking to my husband about how I feel and asked if he is OK but it seems lately that anything I say annoys him and he raises his voice, so now I just keep my mouth shut.

 

As far as being in pajamas when he comes home, it is because I work a full schedule myself, and fatigue with MS is far greater than a normal person. So by the time he arrives, I am so tired and aching that I could fall over, so it is hard to stay dressed up for him.

 

I do stay in my work outfits on occasion, looking nice, and on those nights he'll sometimes suggest we go out to eat, which I do enjoy but again, he's often on his phone unless I make him stop looking at it.

 

We don't have children and we don't want any. We have nieces and nephews that I adore but we're not super into kids. I also don't have the time or energy to devote to them and so the decision was made many years ago on that and we're both in agreement.

 

I recently suggested counseling and he angrily told me he wasn't going to see anybody.

[Mr.Empty]

It sounds like you're both frustrated. I can see things from his perspective. If he's trying to respect you and how your body may feel, he's never going to push for a sexual relationship because he probably feels guilty doing so.

 

By no means should you feel the need to get dressed up for him on a daily basis. I do think you'll need to lead the dance on this one though and find some obvious way to let him know when you are up for intimacy. Basically give him the green light and see how he reacts.

 

I can't possibly relate to how you feel physically, but on better days when you're in the mood, maybe change out of the pj's. Have plans to order in dinner. When/if he suggests going out for dinner, suggest another activity instead

[NTV]

Can he look for a new job with better hours and less travel?

 

I can see how he might be feeling like he's getting the short end of the stick here. Working 12 hour days. Very little sexual intimacy. No real time to himself.

 

Add in your current loss of father and grief and sympathy loneliness and....

 

These are not good conditions for a marriage. What's more important---time or money?

[BettyDraper]

I know what being lonely and isolated is like. We relocated from the huge metropolis we lived in to the rural outskirts of a small city. I joined Facebook and Meetup groups in order to meet people. I've also learned to enjoy time alone. Can you try Meetup or Girlfriend Social?

 

Dress in decent clothes in the morning, put on make up and stay like that.

[BluesPower]

karenina21, is there any way for you to adjust your schedule?

 

Maybe you could take a nap during the day and have more energy for him when he gets home? That way you could be rested and in makeup, looking great?

 

Also, the sex thing. You simply cannot expect him to initiate sex all the time. You have a responsibility to do that as well. Men want to be desired as much as women want to be desired. In fact just like a woman want her man to chase her a little and initiate sex, men want the same thing.

 

This is the time in most marriages that affairs start to happen. I am not trying to scare you but you need to know that. Your husband travels a lot and works long hours, he can easily have a woman on the side that he is seeing.

 

But, this is also the time that people get into the deep part of their careers as well, and that can sometime take precedence over their marriage. That is just about as bad.

 

Do you guys need the amount of money that he is making. With the two of you working and no kids, and it does not sound like you are living the highlife with a lot of luxuries. Where is the money going?

 

Also, as hard as it is, you need to find a way of talking to him. He does seem really closed off from everything but work.

 

Him working so much really is not leaving much time for your guys. The marriage will not be happy the way things are going. He may not want to face the realities of what he is doing to the marriage by working so much.

 

You are going to have to be strong and make him talk, with out the phone, without the TV, no distractions. And you have to be brave and calm when you talk to him.

 

And ask him, if he is having an affair or seeing someone? What does he want out of the marriage? Things like that.

 

Hang in there, and work for your marriage...

[stillafool]

I agree with Blues that maybe a nap during the day would increase your energy. Perhaps you could take a hot bath to make you feel better, put on your makeup and wear negligees instead of pjs as they are more feminine. Blues is right that it isn't just up to the man to show a desire for sex because they want to feel desired as well. Your husband knows that you are tired and in pain so he isn't going to want to have sex if you feel put upon. You have to show him you want him that way. My husband and I don't have kids either, never wanted them and we are extremely bonded.

[karenina21]

Thank you all. I have been taking some of your advice.

 

RE: where the money goes, how have you assumed that we don't have a life with luxuries? We're quite comfortable and go on vacations with family. We don't need as much money, however for him it is a pride thing and a workaholic thing.

 

I have been doing a bit to conserve my energy and stay dressed when he gets home. And it's working a bit I think, we are having better conversation and I am also doing little things to snuggle with him, give him more hugs and kisses, and tell him even more each day that I love him. That's one thing I forgot to mention; we tell each other that daily. I don't doubt that he loves me.

 

I also discussed with him that I made a doctor's appointment to discuss the pain with intimacy issue and he was fully supportive on that. He admitted he does not want to hurt me and that is why he doesn't initiate and also, said that he wasn't sure if I was still into him. I assured him I was.

 

This past weekend I was very sick with food poisoning and he saw me at my absolute worst, but took the best care of me. If I really need him, he is there. We just need to work on the everyday stuff.

 

And I also agree that I need to get out more and am researching some hobbies or things to join in which I can do that.

 

I will keep everyone posted on how things progress. Again, thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. Your insights have been great.

[Unforseen]

I'm happy to hear that your changes are having a positive reaction in the relationship. That is really great to hear. It is really difficult to keep the humdrum of everyday life from causing a similar monotony to develop in a marriage.

 

If I may make a book recommendation I would suggest Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Even if the biblical basis for many of the ideas in the book are not your cup of tea, the observations and recommendations about the different needs of men and women and how best to fill the needs of one's partner are very accurate and insightful. I recommend it also as there were some excellent ideas on how a wife might help a workaholic husband spend more time at home.

 

It sounds like you are doing well. Please keep strong and don't lose hope. Your situation didn't develop in a day and it will take time to get better. Just keep looking for and appreciating the little improvements, the little victories that appear each day.