bad divorce/second marriage

[mickey]

I need some major help FAST!! I'm a single parent (divorced 9 years, son is 10) and I've lived on my own since the divorce. I recently moved in with my boyfriend who was still going through his divorce (second divorce from the same woman, kid, house, toys, etc). I moved in with the intention that we would be married eventually. We had discussed it, and he said that his ex- caused him too much heartache and that he doesn't want to get married again. I told him that it's not fair to crucify me for her actions, but I never pushed the issue- I figured once the divorce was final, we could go on from there. Well, we just got off the phone, and he just walked out of court. They were only married 4 years (this time) but lived together for 5 years before that, she got half of EVERYTHING- half of his retirement, half of the value on the house, all of the furniture, allimony for 5 years, the camper, plus he has to pay her credit card bills (which she ran up after she left). Point of the story: he couldn't quit going on and on that unless you've got tits when you walk into the court room, you're screwed. Says he never wants to get married again, that it's like signing away everything you've worked for. I tried to tell him before that you should go into a marriage with the intention of staying together, not planning to break up, but he doesn't get it. Marriage is very important to me, and I don't feel right living with someone knowing that it will never be more than that, but I love him very much. What Do I Do?

[Minnie]

I guess youre in quite a tight position since hes obviously dreading the word " marriage". I can understand how you can feel so messed up and so out on a limb , when you know from the start that there will be no future. Future meaning marriage. SOme would say that you never know , what can happen, and that in time , you might be able to make him feel secure with you and eventually marry you...but Im coming from an entirely different direction. You see, I feel that if this man loves you , as he probably claims he does.. the love itself should conquer any fears he might have. Just because we fall down, doesnt mean we stay down, we GET UP or at least say we'll try. Hes obviously letting you know from the start that marriage is no longer an option for him and its up to you to either take it or leave it. Youve had a bad experience in a marriage, and yet you seem to overlook it because you honestly want to be with this person. You want to comit because you love him enough. Im not doubting his love for you, but its depth . Just remember that people tend to get comfortable with situations which suit them. Look out for what you want and if its not what makes you happy, dont compromise, you did that when you moved in. I think it was pretty sneaky of him to say he''l marry you and then hide behind what he knew was coming .....an ugly divorce. If marriage is what you want , dont settle for less. Good luck.

[Tony T]

You're certainly old enough to get real here. More than half the people who are madly in love with each other the day they get married end up getting divorced (in the US, I don't know what the statistics are elsewhere). That's just a fact. Second marriages have a worse chance than first ones.

 

Your guy has good reason to be leary at this time, although he actually came out pretty fair in the settlement. In states where there are community property rules, assets are split 50/50 and if there are children...or the wife didn't work, other payments are made and this is standard.

 

Complicating all this is the fact that you started seeing this guy before he even got divorced. I mean, geeze, give the guy time to heal and get his mind stabilized. A divorce is one of the most emotionally stressful and difficult things a person can go through. What he doesn't need right now is pressure to get married again.

 

If you really love him and want to be married to him, tell him you will sign a prenumptual agreement in which the two of you agree on exactly how marital assets will be shared in the event of a divorce and depending on how long the marriage lasts.

 

It's is absolutely right to go into marriage expecting it to last forever, just like it's right to get onto an airplane expecting it not to crash. But planes are lots safer than marriages because lots more of them crash. You guy has rightful reasons to feel the way he does.

 

When you're young and you haven't been through the grinder, these issues are seldom on your mind. But as a person gets older, has adverse experiences and accumulates assets, he/he is a lot less likely to want to risk them for the sake of a love that may or may not last.

 

If this is really his hang-up, a prenuptual agreement convincing him he could escape relatively unscathed in the event of failure could probably change his mind about marrying you...or anybody. But for Gawd's sake, give the guy some time.

[Dragonflys]

Hi Minnie

 

You really need to let him cool down. What he is going through must be so traumatic he cannot be thinking straight. Putting pressure on him to think with a level head at this point in time is simply not fair.

 

I'm sure the last thing on his mind would be marriage right now, he's probably more focussed on throwing up.

 

Let the proceedings take their course and give this matter no more attention. If he loves you and he wants to marry you (as he previously had said with a level head), he will bring it up when he is ready.

 

Nothing you can do except be patient.