Can you forgive child abuse?

[olivetree]

I had a counselling session with my mom.

I am more upset than I was before.

 

My step-dad abused me from when I was a toddler to teenager.

He is still an abusive person but I don't live there anymore.

She is still with him.

Her old excuses for staying don't apply anymore, so now she has new excuses.

I think her fear of being alone and financial security trumps all else, including protecting her children.

But she still won't admit that.

 

I understand that a counsellor should empathize with people, but throughout the session, her choice of words seemed like agreement that that my mother had no choice but to stay.

This is in light of the fact that all of my mom's reasons for staying when we were younger no longer exist, and she is still with him with new excuses for staying.

 

At the end of the session, the counsellor said to her, "you did the best you could."

If we are all just doing our best then can't we rationalize any behaviour?

 

I guess my question is, could you forgive a parent who stayed with your abuser?

What would it take to forgive?

[stillafool]

I would forgive her because I too need forgiveness. Not just that but when I forgive someone for their wrong doings it helps me to heal. Holding on to grudges can poison your system.

[Zahara]

This is my mother. But my father has passed. I've come to accept my mother's choices through forgiveness. There was a big part of me that was very resentful and enraged for decades for what she did. But I've become empathetic in terms of recognizing my mother's own hardships as a child, the possible dysfunction that she went through with her own family upbringing, the damage she herself endured through my father's abuse and her by then already weakened sense of self to not be able to do the right thing. All I can do is change the path and do right by me. She's not part of my story anymore and neither is the abuse and when I made it so, it was easier to let go.

 

We have a better relationship now and while there are things that I cannot change about her, in her old age, I feel more sorry for her because that's the only life she knew and that abuse that I endured was just as painful for her.

 

Fortunately, I'm stronger for it, but it didn't turn out that way for her. It's the best she could do with the little that she had and the little that she knew.

Edited March 9, 2017 by Zahara

[preraph]

I'm trying to put this into perspective. Was this sexual abuse? Or was it his idea of discipline?

 

In any kind of abuse, the most hurtful aspect is the betrayal of the mother who stood by and did nothing. It's perhaps the last thing to start sinking in but the hardest to forgive. Especially once you have a child (or even a pet) yourself and can't fathom letting anyone hurt them.

 

Psychologists do a lot of "You did what you knew to do" type talk to empathize and get the person to open up and be honest. It seems that would be better done in private sessions with your mother so you didn't have to listen to it. But I would just bring it up in the next session and tell her how you felt about that.

 

Abuse is something that is often perpetuated from generation to generation, which is why it's important for you to take parenting classes, that sort of thing, before having kids so you don't inadvertently bring something you modeled that is toxic in some way into your children's lives. And it's also important to keep them away from the relatives who are still of this toxic mindset. That is not easy. But you can't trust your kids alone with them, and if they talk crap that is without boundaries, I wouldn't let them be exposed to them at all.

[olivetree]

I'm trying to put this into perspective. Was this sexual abuse? Or was it his idea of discipline?

 

In any kind of abuse, the most hurtful aspect is the betrayal of the mother who stood by and did nothing. It's perhaps the last thing to start sinking in but the hardest to forgive. Especially once you have a child (or even a pet) yourself and can't fathom letting anyone hurt them.

 

Psychologists do a lot of "You did what you knew to do" type talk to empathize and get the person to open up and be honest. It seems that would be better done in private sessions with your mother so you didn't have to listen to it. But I would just bring it up in the next session and tell her how you felt about that.

 

Abuse is something that is often perpetuated from generation to generation, which is why it's important for you to take parenting classes, that sort of thing, before having kids so you don't inadvertently bring something you modeled that is toxic in some way into your children's lives. And it's also important to keep them away from the relatives who are still of this toxic mindset. That is not easy. But you can't trust your kids alone with them, and if they talk crap that is without boundaries, I wouldn't let them be exposed to them at all.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

It was physical / verbal / emotional neglect on a daily basis.

And done with pure hatred.

My step-dad wanted my mom all to himself.

 

You're spot on about the betrayal.

My mom did not comfort me when I would cry or even seem repulsed by him.

The only time she slept on the couch was after she found Playboy magazines and he refused to sleep on the couch.

 

I don't know how to forgive when I feel betrayed in the present as well because she is still with him.

 

I know holding onto all of this pain isn't doing me any good but I don't know how to let it go.

I want to cut her out of my life but fear that that will hurt as well.

[olivetree]

This is my mother. But my father has passed. I've come to accept my mother's choices through forgiveness. There was a big part of me that was very resentful and enraged for decades for what she did. But I've become empathetic in terms of recognizing my mother's own hardships as a child, the possible dysfunction that she went through with her own family upbringing, the damage she herself endured through my father's abuse and her by then already weakened sense of self to not be able to do the right thing. All I can do is change the path and do right by me. She's not part of my story anymore and neither is the abuse and when I made it so, it was easier to let go.

 

We have a better relationship now and while there are things that I cannot change about her, in her old age, I feel more sorry for her because that's the only life she knew and that abuse that I endured was just as painful for her.

 

Fortunately, I'm stronger for it, but it didn't turn out that way for her. It's the best she could do with the little that she had and the little that she knew.

 

What kind of abuse was it for you?

Do you think it makes a difference to you that it was your own father and your mother endured his abuse as well?

How did you get past it?

[hotgurl]

I think you can forgive. But that doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with her.

 

It is difficult. Sometimes you just have to let it go. A big part of it is letting go of the idea of what being a mom is. And accepting you will never have the mom you want. Just the flawed one you have.

[Zahara]

What kind of abuse was it for you?

Do you think it makes a difference to you that it was your own father and your mother endured his abuse as well?

How did you get past it?

 

Physical, emotional and mental abuse. Neglect on both my father and mother. My mother inflicted it on me as well. He did it to her (and me), and it trickled down. So, I got it from both sides.

 

I went to therapy many times over many years. It did nothing. It all started shifting for me when I began my spiritual practice.

[preraph]

Thanks for your response.

 

It was physical / verbal / emotional neglect on a daily basis.

And done with pure hatred.

My step-dad wanted my mom all to himself.

 

You're spot on about the betrayal.

My mom did not comfort me when I would cry or even seem repulsed by him.

The only time she slept on the couch was after she found Playboy magazines and he refused to sleep on the couch.

 

I don't know how to forgive when I feel betrayed in the present as well because she is still with him.

 

I know holding onto all of this pain isn't doing me any good but I don't know how to let it go.

I want to cut her out of my life but fear that that will hurt as well.

 

Well, don't put yourself under ANY pressure to forgive her or him. Refuse to feel any guilt about that. My friend had a bad thing happen. She had just begun dealing with the fact her mother didn't protect her (after years of awareness her father abused her). She didn't think of that until real long afterwards, you know, and unfortunately, while she was still trying to work through it, her mom died unexpectantly young. She had guilt about it, but she shouldn't have. I just felt bad because she couldn't even try to resolve it with her mom, but the truth is, I don't think her mom ever would have tried very hard to resolve it anyway. She put him above everyone else and overlooked his cheating. Her gross father put his tongue down my throat right in front of her at his daughter's wedding in their living room! So I didn't hold out any hope that if she would pretend she didn't see THAT, she would somehow accept responsibility with her daughter.

 

So what I'm saying is you may have guilt, especially if something like that happens, but it's really not on you. It's on them. If THEY had had guilt, enough of it, they'd have done something about it or at LEAST apologized and taken responsibility for it.

 

She probably is a weak person who feels she has to have someone dictating her life. All I know is if I had a man and he kicked my dog, I'd take a frying pan to him and kick him out immediately and do my best to get him charged. But we are all made of different stuff.

 

So here's what you do: You forgive yourself for not forgiving them, and then once you've done all the work you can on it inside your head, you stop wasting time on it and build the good life for yourself that you deserve. And leave them out of it if that makes you happiest.

Edited March 9, 2017 by preraph

[olivetree]

Well, don't put yourself under ANY pressure to forgive her or him. Refuse to feel any guilt about that. My friend had a bad thing happen. She had just begun dealing with the fact her mother didn't protect her (after years of awareness her father abused her). She didn't think of that until real long afterwards, you know, and unfortunately, while she was still trying to work through it, her mom died unexpectantly young. She had guilt about it, but she shouldn't have. I just felt bad because she couldn't even try to resolve it with her mom, but the truth is, I don't think her mom ever would have tried very hard to resolve it anyway. She put him above everyone else and overlooked his cheating. Her gross father put his tongue down my throat right in front of her at his daughter's wedding in their living room! So I didn't hold out any hope that if she would pretend she didn't see THAT, she would somehow accept responsibility with her daughter.

 

So what I'm saying is you may have guilt, especially if something like that happens, but it's really not on you. It's on them. If THEY had had guilt, enough of it, they'd have done something about it or at LEAST apologized and taken responsibility for it.

 

She probably is a weak person who feels she has to have someone dictating her life. All I know is if I had a man and he kicked my dog, I'd take a frying pan to him and kick him out immediately and do my best to get him charged. But we are all made of different stuff.

 

So here's what you do: You forgive yourself for not forgiving them, and then once you've done all the work you can on it inside your head, you stop wasting time on it and build the good life for yourself that you deserve. And leave them out of it if that makes you happiest.

 

Your posts have a way of making me feel better and understood.

The bolded made me laugh.

 

I have always been someone who does not tolerate abuse... of people or animals.

My step-dad also our abused dogs by locking them up in a cage their whole life.

One could barely walk in the end because she never got exercise.

He put two of our indoor cats outside in a wooded/coyote-run area, knowing they would be eaten (our other cats were all victims) because I didn't clean the litter box.

He knew that losing those cats would hurt me the most because I adored them and I was their favourite.

They never came back.

I have so much rage in me about the ways that he hurt me.

 

I think abuse can never be justified, and in that joint counselling session, I feel like it was being justified.

It would be different if she was showing true remorse and she had left him.

 

I would not tolerate a man cheating on me even once, so why would I tolerate my mother standing by a grown man hitting me, telling me all the ways that I am a horrible person, inadvertently killing my pets and excluding me from the family since I was three?

 

That is where I am at.

I feel like blood makes us accept too much in another person.

Maybe I just need to accept that I can't forgive her right now.

[Sad Sarah]

"doing the best you could" is an explanation, but it's not a defence.

 

Your Mum tried her hardest with the tools she had at the time. But she should have realised her best wasn't enough and sought help, and protected you.

 

She especially should not have "transferred" her pain to you, that's abominable

 

If she has:

- admitted her mistakes

- demonstrates remorse

- apologised

- demonstrated she has fixed her issues

 

Then you have a good foundation to accept that the past happened, and move on.

 

But if you are getting stonewalled then you need to decide what behaviours you will accept from your Mum and enforce strong boundaries.

 

Love her despite her faults, but be realistic that she let her child suffer immensely and there is no excuse for that. Over DECADES.

 

Sadly you'll only have a stunted relationship, but you need to protect yourself. It's not your fault.

 

You may not even be able to have her in your life. That's OK even though it may hurt terribly.

 

Actions have consequences.

[todreaminblue]

I have...i cant live with hate...its worse.... makes me trapped in the past....a dark place........that's worse than the abuse....because i relived it and relived it and relived it.....i became free and able to talk about my abuse openly wihtout it hurtuing...now its not this weight i carry...its free ...and i am free...forgiveness is the only way....with anyone and anything,.....holding on ....traps you in dark places........when i forgave..i feel i was able to help others more...and turn bad positive....useful....and free....bad is only good that is trapped in a negative space....where there's bad...there is equal goodness.guaranteed...theres always a balance to be had......you have to find that good...and forgiveness is the path....to good....deb

[preraph]

Your posts have a way of making me feel better and understood.

The bolded made me laugh.

 

I have always been someone who does not tolerate abuse... of people or animals.

My step-dad also our abused dogs by locking them up in a cage their whole life.

One could barely walk in the end because she never got exercise.

He put two of our indoor cats outside in a wooded/coyote-run area, knowing they would be eaten (our other cats were all victims) because I didn't clean the litter box.

He knew that losing those cats would hurt me the most because I adored them and I was their favourite.

They never came back.

I have so much rage in me about the ways that he hurt me.

 

I think abuse can never be justified, and in that joint counselling session, I feel like it was being justified.

It would be different if she was showing true remorse and she had left him.

 

I would not tolerate a man cheating on me even once, so why would I tolerate my mother standing by a grown man hitting me, telling me all the ways that I am a horrible person, inadvertently killing my pets and excluding me from the family since I was three?

 

That is where I am at.

I feel like blood makes us accept too much in another person.

Maybe I just need to accept that I can't forgive her right now.

 

 

You know the very good news in this is that you rebelled against it and became a good person. You know, many children raised in abuse will perpetuate the cycle of abuse by justifying their own abuse and then imitating it or taking it out on others, or not having empathy because no one taught them empathy.

 

You, on the other hand, are really a success story. In spite of it all, every disadvantage, horrible parenting, horrible modeling, witnessing abuse against people and animals, you chose GOOD and you chose empathy and love. So you just need to realize you are a whole person who has managed to not let them ruin you. Just be sure you don't take on their issues or carry their negativity on your shoulder like a remnant of a siamese twin. Separate from them as best you can and end the toxicity. You have no obligation to them or to sort them out (impossible probably anyway and certainly more the job of long-term psychotherapy for them).

 

You are not them and can't fix them or undo it. Against all odds, you came out of it with your morals intact and your heart in the right place.

[BettyDraper]

I'm glad that your mother has agreed to go to counseling with you.

Has she ever apologized for her part in your misery?

 

My mother was abusive and my father did very little to protect me.

I have forgiven both of my parents. The abuse was largely out of ignorance and the inability to see that abusive cycles should not be completed. My mother had an abusive father and she lost her mother before she was 15.

 

As they age, I feel more inclined to protect them as they are elderly. I no longer wish to live my life in reaction to what I endured as a child.Growing up in a strict and abusive home resulted in good traits as well.

 

While I understand your anger and disappointment at your mother, I believe that she can't imagine being on her own at her age. After being married to someone for many years, the prospect of facing old age alone is just too daunting. My mother and father are deeply dissatisfied with their marriage but they certainly aren't going to divorce in their mid sixties.

 

If you cannot forgive your mother and her excuses are too difficult to handle, I would suggest removing her from your counseling sessions and reducing your contact with your mother.

[Tayla]

Gosh ...If it were just that easy to "let it go"..And forgive.

 

By holding on to their wrong doing there is a sense of superiority. Which shields the ego. We simply cannot deeply fathom that our parental.figures are that malecious.

 

It takes the adult side to remedy this mix message. And it's not a painless path to forge.

 

I forgave the person...Not the actions. . Oddly only three of the parental figures ever sought me out to rectify the wrongs. And to be honest...Should the other one ever show up at my doorstep, she will be met with a harsh slam of the door. I forgave myself ...But her. Not in this lifetime. Try as I may....She has harmed so many foster kids that it's for them that I cannot forgive her. It would be a betrayal to all those kids who didn't deserve her vile antics. It's not out of superiority...It's out of loyalty to them

So discuss this with your counselor...Be open with the facts that you may not ever be ready to forgive...And that is an option. .

[mikeylo]

If your mother is really remorseful and wants to make up for the lost time , then yes, you can reach some peace. But even then, its hard to forgive abuse from a parent. Not impossible but you've got to accept it first that you couldnt have done anything to change it. It wasnt anything that you did or didnt do.

 

She chose what she needed at the moment but in the process forgot that for whom she was doing it. Then life took over.

[olivetree]

The thing is, she has only said sorry in the past when I have brought up the abuse and after giving a bunch of excuses and being defensive.

 

In counselling she said she felt guilty for having me leave instead of him.

But she never said sorry or that she would change that decision.

Nor did she apologize for neglecting me and picking up his abusive ways as well.

 

I don't feel like she is truly remorseful.

Other than picking a new partner, if she could go back in time I still think she would have me leave instead of him.

 

Can she be truly remorseful if she is still with him?

Honestly, I would have forgiven her if she had left him.

[That is actions not just words.]

Edited March 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Content clarification

[olivetree]

You know the very good news in this is that you rebelled against it and became a good person. You know, many children raised in abuse will perpetuate the cycle of abuse by justifying their own abuse and then imitating it or taking it out on others, or not having empathy because no one taught them empathy.

 

You, on the other hand, are really a success story. In spite of it all, every disadvantage, horrible parenting, horrible modeling, witnessing abuse against people and animals, you chose GOOD and you chose empathy and love. So you just need to realize you are a whole person who has managed to not let them ruin you. Just be sure you don't take on their issues or carry their negativity on your shoulder like a remnant of a siamese twin. Separate from them as best you can and end the toxicity. You have no obligation to them or to sort them out (impossible probably anyway and certainly more the job of long-term psychotherapy for them).

 

You are not them and can't fix them or undo it. Against all odds, you came out of it with your morals intact and your heart in the right place.

 

Thank you so much.

[anika99]

I have forgiven my mom. I too had an abusive stepfather. He was abusive towards my mother too so in my younger years I hated him and I was protective of my mom. She did leave him but not until I was long gone. I ran away at 16 and never went back. She left him when I was 24.

 

I was proud of her for leaving, especially since she left with my two young half brothers and nothing else. My stepfather was a deadbeat so she got no financial help from him. It was very brave of her to leave and I was impressed because I didn't think she ever would. But my anger towards her came later. I was 30 when i started to remember all of he times she chose him over me, all the times she let me bear the brunt of his anger so that she didn't have to. She left him once when I was 10 because he cheated on her, so she could leave him for infidelity but not for me. And when she left him for good years later she said it was to save my brothers from him. I love my brothers and I was glad she saved them but why did she not save me?

 

So I got angry and bitter. It didn't help that she seemed to develop amnesia regarding my childhood and started denying that certain things happened. That just made me more angry. I went years barely able to stand being in the same room as her, but eventually forgiveness came. It didn't happen over night, it was a long process. The older I got the more I was able to Understand her. The more mature I became I was able to see my own flaws and to admit I made mistakes with my children too. I know she rescued my brothers because she had reached a point where she knew better then she knew when I was a child.

 

I don't condone abuse or staying in abuse but I do think she believed she was doing her best. When she didn't believe in what she was doing anymore then she did things differently. She wasn't maliciously staying in a bad situation just to wreck my life. She was ignorant and immature but not out to hurt me. So eventually I truly forgave her but I couldn't force it before I was ready. It was a long journey that had many setbacks. Now my mom is old, in poor health and disabled and I'm trying to cherish the short time I have left with her.

 

It is understandable that you are angry. You shouldn't wallow in it and nurture it like I did, but you can't deny it either. Your feelings are yours and you have a right to them. I do hope you are able to forgive your mom someday though, for your own sake, not for hers.

[mikeylo]

OP, in your first post you say that your mother's reasons were for stablity and financial security.

 

I guess, she knew what was happening to you but chose not to do anything because she didnt have means to feed you. It doesnt make it acceptable but many times when people marry the second time around and that too for financial reasons, they usually suck up the bad behavior because they dont want to look like a failure ( again ).

 

Over time , she was so knee deep that even if wanted to, she couldnt break off.Normal? No and yes. Yes, because she didnt have a choice.You never know if this was a condition that your step dad made with her -- his word is the last word if she wants financial aid from him.

 

Its hard to forgive a parent. An abusive childhood can drag well into adulthood.

 

Take Care.

[MissCongeniality]

I had a rule back before I met my husband a guy could do whatever he wanted to me (I would be living out of my car with my daughter if I hadn't played things smart with what ever guy I was with at the time) but if he harmed my kid there would be hell to pay. I got a few restraining orders against me needless to say.

[whichwayisup]

I think your mom has her own issues and is weak, can't live on her own and that's a big reason why she stays with him. He probably has brainwashed her and made her feel so little and has manipulated her as well so she's scared to leave. That doesn't justify nor is it an excuse for what she's done to you by not defending you, standing up for you, protecting you. I believe your mom does love you and cares deeply, probably feels awful for what happened in the past too, but it's not enough to make her leave and fix what's broken.

 

In time, when YOU are ready maybe the two of you can mend fences and forgive her one day. That doesn't mean forget it just means that you be making peace so you can have peace in your heart.

 

You have every right to be angry and feel betrayed by her just don't let it consume you as you get older and build your own life, get married someday and have kids.

[olivetree]

I have forgiven my mom. I too had an abusive stepfather. He was abusive towards my mother too so in my younger years I hated him and I was protective of my mom. She did leave him but not until I was long gone. I ran away at 16 and never went back. She left him when I was 24.

 

I was proud of her for leaving, especially since she left with my two young half brothers and nothing else. My stepfather was a deadbeat so she got no financial help from him. It was very brave of her to leave and I was impressed because I didn't think she ever would. But my anger towards her came later. I was 30 when i started to remember all of he times she chose him over me, all the times she let me bear the brunt of his anger so that she didn't have to. She left him once when I was 10 because he cheated on her, so she could leave him for infidelity but not for me. And when she left him for good years later she said it was to save my brothers from him. I love my brothers and I was glad she saved them but why did she not save me?

 

So I got angry and bitter. It didn't help that she seemed to develop amnesia regarding my childhood and started denying that certain things happened. That just made me more angry. I went years barely able to stand being in the same room as her, but eventually forgiveness came. It didn't happen over night, it was a long process. The older I got the more I was able to Understand her. The more mature I became I was able to see my own flaws and to admit I made mistakes with my children too. I know she rescued my brothers because she had reached a point where she knew better then she knew when I was a child.

 

I don't condone abuse or staying in abuse but I do think she believed she was doing her best. When she didn't believe in what she was doing anymore then she did things differently. She wasn't maliciously staying in a bad situation just to wreck my life. She was ignorant and immature but not out to hurt me. So eventually I truly forgave her but I couldn't force it before I was ready. It was a long journey that had many setbacks. Now my mom is old, in poor health and disabled and I'm trying to cherish the short time I have left with her.

 

It is understandable that you are angry. You shouldn't wallow in it and nurture it like I did, but you can't deny it either. Your feelings are yours and you have a right to them. I do hope you are able to forgive your mom someday though, for your own sake, not for hers.

 

Thanks for sharing.

It's especially difficult to see your own mother stand by a man who is not even your father abuse you.

I am glad to hear your mom left her husband, and it is unfortunate that she didn't leave sooner in your life so that you could have enjoyed more of your childhood/adolescence.

I wish my mom would leave too.

I would respect her for that.

[Rouik]

It is not going to be easy but forgiveness is something we all need, show her the love and forgiveness only you can, now you have the chance to be strong for her and love her despite her bad choices. That is going to be really tough but it might be the first time she will see someone that truly cares for her unlike your step father. Good luck and best wishes.

[Dis]

I had a counselling session with my mom.

I am more upset than I was before.

 

My step-dad abused me from when I was a toddler to teenager.

He is still an abusive person but I don't live there anymore.

She is still with him.

Her old excuses for staying don't apply anymore, so now she has new excuses.

I think her fear of being alone and financial security trumps all else, including protecting her children.

But she still won't admit that.

 

I understand that a counsellor should empathize with people, but throughout the session, her choice of words seemed like agreement that that my mother had no choice but to stay.

This is in light of the fact that all of my mom's reasons for staying when we were younger no longer exist, and she is still with him with new excuses for staying.

 

At the end of the session, the counsellor said to her, "you did the best you could."

If we are all just doing our best then can't we rationalize any behaviour?

 

I guess my question is, could you forgive a parent who stayed with your abuser?

What would it take to forgive?

 

Hi olive

 

I'm so sorry you went through this

 

As for forgiving? Forgiveness depends on a few things....

 

My dad was phsyically abusive from the time I was a toddler until I moved out when I was 18. Since then, to my surprise, he has turned a new leaf. He's like a different person now. Hes incredibly supportive in many ways. He never loses his cool now. I was very angry with him until I was about 25 but as time went by I could see how much he had changed. My dad is the type of person who likes to show love through his actions, not words. Hes very unemotional. He's been so supportive of me, I almost felt like I didnt need an apology, but he gave one anyway. So yes, I can forgive him

 

My sister on the other hand (older sister) she was emotionally and phsyically abusive. It started when I was 7. The physical abuse didnt stop until I was 14, when I snapped and assualted her. The emotional abuse never stopped. My sister is a very sick woman, I can honestly say that the things that she did to me were so deranged and so damaging that I think she might be a sociopath. I never told my mom about the abuse of my sister and my dad until a few months ago, I dont know why I never said anything. I kept it a secret for a very long time (I'm 30 now) My Mom confronted my sister (and my dad) my sister said she doesnt remember it. Really???? She hasnt taken any ownership or acknowledged her part. She is still the same sick, disturbed person she always was. So can I forgive her? No. In fact I've decided I can no longer have her in my life in any capacity

 

Forgiveness depends on whether or not a person acknowledges their part, is remorseful and most importantly, has changed their ways

 

Its up to you to decide whether or not your Mom meets that criteria

 

I wish you all the best olive