Can you forgive child abuse?

[Dis]

Also...find a different therapist

[No_Go]

Hi olive

My dad was phsyically abusive from the time I was a toddler until I moved out when I was 18. Since then, to my surprise, he has turned a new leaf. He's like a different person now. Hes incredibly supportive in many ways. He never loses his cool now. I was very angry with him until I was about 25 but as time went by I could see how much he had changed. My dad is the type of person who likes to show love through his actions, not words. Hes very unemotional. He's been so supportive of me, I almost felt like I didnt need an apology, but he gave one anyway. So yes, I can forgive him

 

Dis, my story is similar except my dad turned around after falling gravely ill, and my mom was very familiar with his abuse throughout... It was ahem not easy to miss it, I used to be bruised half of the days... Did I forgive my dad? Yes, kind of, in the end of his life. Did I forgive my mom? I'm really not sure I'll be able to, especially her lack of acknowledgement... This is a tough situation for anyone that has been in it, I almost feel like the best therapist will be someone that had similar experience, else is just hard to appreciate the betrayal.

[No_Go]

Olive could it be he is abusive to your mom as well? And her being scared to disclose or in denial?

 

'the best you can with the information you had' is a typical therapy BS, don't put too much sweat into it... Not all therapists have IQ of 180 and that sentence is something they teach them in school

 

I had a counselling session with my mom.

I am more upset than I was before.

 

My step-dad abused me from when I was a toddler to teenager.

He is still an abusive person but I don't live there anymore.

She is still with him.

Her old excuses for staying don't apply anymore, so now she has new excuses.

I think her fear of being alone and financial security trumps all else, including protecting her children.

But she still won't admit that.

 

I understand that a counsellor should empathize with people, but throughout the session, her choice of words seemed like agreement that that my mother had no choice but to stay.

This is in light of the fact that all of my mom's reasons for staying when we were younger no longer exist, and she is still with him with new excuses for staying.

 

At the end of the session, the counsellor said to her, "you did the best you could."

If we are all just doing our best then can't we rationalize any behaviour?

 

I guess my question is, could you forgive a parent who stayed with your abuser?

What would it take to forgive?

[darkmoon]

are you feeling churned up, damaged, fearful, any of that when around your mother?

 

I suspect so.

 

And you are trying to behave well, like a child trying to survive, so much so, that your mother easily gets you to the counsellor, who is no use to you, but gives her an easy way out.

 

I know the issue is primarily with your step-father, but your mother and the counsellor have caused you to be here with Loveshack.

 

I was abused, I know some stuff v well. xox

 

stop trying to be a well-behaved kid now - just be an adult (takes a bit of practise) and please yourself

Edited March 15, 2017 by darkmoon

[Dis]

Dis, my story is similar except my dad turned around after falling gravely ill, and my mom was very familiar with his abuse throughout... It was ahem not easy to miss it, I used to be bruised half of the days... Did I forgive my dad? Yes, kind of, in the end of his life. Did I forgive my mom? I'm really not sure I'll be able to, especially her lack of acknowledgement... This is a tough situation for anyone that has been in it, I almost feel like the best therapist will be someone that had similar experience, else is just hard to appreciate the betrayal.

 

I know what you mean No Go

 

I find it hard to believe my Mom didnt know about the abuse

 

As for your Mom, if she grew up in an abusive household, she might have that mindset where that type of behavior and treatment is ok. It doesnt make her failing to protect you ok...but its something to think about. Both my parents grew up with abusive fathers

 

If your Mom is anything like mine, I'm sure she feels a great sadness that she failed to protect you...even if she doesnt express that sadness..I'm sure she feels it. That feeling is probably so crippling it causes her to deny, deny, deny...its too large of a failure to acknowledge for many parents. But I totally understand that you're having a hard time making peace with her....I would too. Thats why I dont think peace is possible with my sister

 

I'm glad you made peace with your father before he passed. That would have been a heavy weight for you to carry

[olivetree]

Hi olive

 

I'm so sorry you went through this

 

As for forgiving? Forgiveness depends on a few things....

 

My dad was phsyically abusive from the time I was a toddler until I moved out when I was 18. Since then, to my surprise, he has turned a new leaf. He's like a different person now. Hes incredibly supportive in many ways. He never loses his cool now. I was very angry with him until I was about 25 but as time went by I could see how much he had changed. My dad is the type of person who likes to show love through his actions, not words. Hes very unemotional. He's been so supportive of me, I almost felt like I didnt need an apology, but he gave one anyway. So yes, I can forgive him

 

My sister on the other hand (older sister) she was emotionally and phsyically abusive. It started when I was 7. The physical abuse didnt stop until I was 14, when I snapped and assualted her. The emotional abuse never stopped. My sister is a very sick woman, I can honestly say that the things that she did to me were so deranged and so damaging that I think she might be a sociopath. I never told my mom about the abuse of my sister and my dad until a few months ago, I dont know why I never said anything. I kept it a secret for a very long time (I'm 30 now) My Mom confronted my sister (and my dad) my sister said she doesnt remember it. Really???? She hasnt taken any ownership or acknowledged her part. She is still the same sick, disturbed person she always was. So can I forgive her? No. In fact I've decided I can no longer have her in my life in any capacity

 

Forgiveness depends on whether or not a person acknowledges their part, is remorseful and most importantly, has changed their ways

 

Its up to you to decide whether or not your Mom meets that criteria

 

I wish you all the best olive

 

Thanks, Dis!

We have really similar histories in some ways.

 

My older brother was physically and emotionally abusive since I was born until he was an adult.

 

I think what makes it very hard to forgive my mom is this:

-She has never said sorry on her own

-She had a job and options to leave... we were not broke

-She already did all of the childcare

-She is still with him, which I think rules out true remorse

-The only times she ever seemed close to leaving were about her

-When I didn't talk to her for almost a year, she barely tried IMO

 

 

 

Also...find a different therapist

You're absolutely right about the therapist.

She was awful and the experience of having her seemingly agree with all of my mom's excuses was re-traumatizing.

Edited March 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member request - personally identifiable information

[olivetree]

Olive could it be he is abusive to your mom as well? And her being scared to disclose or in denial?

 

'the best you can with the information you had' is a typical therapy BS, don't put too much sweat into it... Not all therapists have IQ of 180 and that sentence is something they teach them in school

 

He was emotionally abusive to my mom but never laid a hand on her.

 

Yes, I figured that line is taught as I've heard it before.

It should really only be used for when people actually did their best.

Edited March 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member request - personally identifiable information

[bathtub-row]

Looking at things from a purely logical perspective, the choice your mother made was wrong. No question. But looking at it from an emotional and lack-of-strength perspective, she most likely was broken by the abuse and didn't know where to turn.

 

I consider myself to be a strong person. But when I found myself in an abusive marriage, my brain temporarily turned to mush. Abuse is a very difficult thing to explain; or, more apt, the human reaction to abuse is highly complex and difficult to explain.

 

While I was in my short-lived marriage, I asked myself this question: "What answer will I give my son when he's, say, 30 and asks me why I allowed a man into his life who stole his childhood?" I knew there would be no good answer to that question, and it was one of the single most important things that drove me to leave.

 

But, again, I'm unusually strong and logical where a lot of people aren't, and even then the relationship nearly broke me. I would say that you might want to try to have some compassion for your mom because she obviously doesn't know how to save her children nor herself. The person mostly responsible for your life and your mom's is the abuser. She entrusted her life and her kid's lives to a man who betrayed all of you, who took advantage of the difficult position she was in. There is probably a part of her that cries every day but she is smothered by the abuse, convinced she has nowhere to turn.

 

While you may want to limit the time you spend with your mom, you might want to try to put yourself in her position and realize that she, too, was betrayed. I know it's not easy to see it or feel it, but there are probably a lot of factors that caused your mom to make the decisions she made. I'm not suggesting they were right but, in her mind, I'm sure she felt - and still feels - she had very few choices.