Single mom, semi-LD BF and 17 year old

[strangeluv]

I am a single mother of a 17 year old. We have a pretty good relationship most days. He does not see his father so what male influence he receives is predominantly from my BF of 9 years. He and my son have a good relationship and he always offers to help with parenting issues if I want.. by talking with my DS or by helping me deal with teen drama, etc. The BF lives roughly an hour away and comes here usually once during the week and weekends I usually go his way. There is far more to do in his city than in mine so weekends are more fun there. Sometimes my ds isn't interested in going with me on weekends so I have left him behind, usually only for one night. So far I have been okay with this because he is almost 18 and is old enough to have a night here and there. He usually stays home and plays on his computer anyway.

 

Lately however he has been more into the party-scene, wanting to hang out with his coworkers where there is drinking and pot smoking. He is pretty open with me about these get-togethers, I think because I don't scowl at what he is telling me (even though inside I may be freaking out a little). I don't love the idea of him drinking or smoking pot and he knows I don't "approve", but I am not going to forbid him either because IMO that is not going to be helpful, it's not realistic and I would rather have the open communication with him. He has only gone to several of these things, but the last one he missed his curfew and when I picked him up, he was pretty intoxicated. He wasn't falling down, wasn't blacked out and didn't get sick - but he was drunk. I dislike him going out, I'll be honest. I kinda just wish he would just hole up in his room instead, but I would rather him be introduced into the party scene now while I have some supervision over him than when he moves out/goes off to college. Anyway, this is all really just back-story for you... it's because of THIS activity that I now have pretty overwhelming anxiety about leaving him behind to go to my BF's.

 

I literally just don't want to go. Friday and Saturday nights totally stress me out now. I just think this is where all the bad potential can happen with kids and being an hour away and trying to parent via text or phone just sucks. Plus I feel like leaving him an open house is just too tempting to want to have his friends over (which he did a couple weekends ago... he asked me and I said it was fine, but it didn't exactly go as we had discussed and it was really annoying to be dealing with that from a distance). And now he has a new girlfriend... so leaving the house to him just seems like a horrible idea. Yes he has condoms and yes I am aware that I cannot stop them if they want to have sex. I'm actually ok with it if he is SAFE, but leaving all night? It just doesn't feel right, especially now.

 

I would LOVE for this transition from teen to adulthood to be smooth and worry-free but it's been challenging for me. He can go off on his own in a couple of months (and in fact, that is the plan) - I want him to be prepared. He won't be prepared if I shelter him too much but not sheltering him feels contradictory. It's this weird dynamic that I am having trouble with. I second-guess myself a lot. He needs some freedom to explore and even make mistakes, but not so much freedom that he can do whatever he wants because mom is not around. Let me add that I actually am looking forward to having ME time when has moved out. I am worried that I will struggle as an empty-nester sometimes, but overall I am excited for what the future holds for both of us. I do think that this anxiety will lighten (naturally) when he is not right under my nose every day.

 

So my question to you parents is: am I just being over the top by not wanting to take off on Friday and Saturday nights? I truly think my BF is going to be mad about this when I broach the subject. Part of me understands how he might feel but the other part of me thinks he cannot empathize because he has no kids. He is a pretty mellow guy but I know my anxiety frustrates him because he thinks most of the stuff I worry about is unnecessary. It cuts into our time together because I am obsessing about what my kid is doing, or worrying, my mind completely somewhere else. TBH it would be nice if he would just come my way those nights, even if he's doing more than his "fair share" of the driving. IMO here is his chance to help. He can be here for me and my son and help, whether actively participating or just by his presence alone. He can come here. It's just temporary.

 

Wrong or right it's how I feel. I do have an appt with a therapist to help work things through for me, but that's not for a few weeks and therapy results are not immediate. In the meantime it would just be reassuring to know that I'm not crazy.

[Raena]

You aren't crazy and you aren't asking too much of your boyfriend either. This is an important time for you to be nearby for your son when he needs you. Yes he's almost old enough to move out and be on his own but your parenting job doesn't stop when he does that. He will still need your guidance at times. Changing to being home ( or nearby) more often means you will be there for those times that your son needs you but also be able to spend time with your boyfriend. Hopefully your bf will be understanding of this and be willing to come to you more often. I don't think it's a good idea to leave your son home alone on a regular basis in your home. If and when he gets his own place he can do what he wants there but for now he's in your home and how he behaves there should be in accordance with what you are comfortable with. I can't imagine that I'd be comfortable with leaving my son alone to have parties and/or alone time with his girlfriend when I'm not home. You could be setting yourself up for legal troubles in doing that.

[anika99]

I had a pretty open and trusting relationship with my son as well and I also gave him a lot of freedom. Like you when he reached the age of 16/17 I would occasionally leave overnight to be with my bf but my bf was only a 15 minute drive away. One night he had a big party and somebody barfed in my bed. After that I insisted that my bf visit me rather than me visiting him. If I had thing to do all over again I wouldn't have ever stayed out all night until he was at least 18.

 

I think you should also consider staying at your place, especially since your bf lives so far away. If you think it's more fun to be in his city than you can drive out early in the morning then you and your bf can travel back to your place in the evening. Your son is the most important one here. Also you will miss your son when he is gone. My baby left at 19 and I missed him sooo much. Much more than I thought I was going to. Make the most of your time with him. Where is going to go when he moves out?

Edited March 10, 2017 by anika99

[strangeluv]

...If you think it's more fun to be in his city than you can drive out early in the morning then you and your bf can travel back to your place in the evening. Your son is the most important one here. Also you will miss your son when he is gone. My baby left at 19 and I missed him sooo much. Much more than I thought I was going to. Make the most of your time with him. Where is going to go when he moves out?

 

Yes this is precisely what I was thinking I could do instead. I don't mind getting up early and spending the entire day there before heading back at night. It will eliminate a lot of my anxiety - what's left of it will just stem from my DS's nights out and how loosely I hold the reigns. Parenting teenagers is no joke -- I've always worried about my kid but never as much as present day.

 

Regarding your question... so this is pretty awesome. He will most likely be attending a school close to where my BF lives so the plan is for him move in with him. This was the BF's offer and after much deliberation the DS and I really like the idea. My BF has a big house and an extra room, plus another roommate whom my son has been around for years now and is comfortable with. I kinda like the idea of him having the adult male influence, and I love the idea of him being able to move away from me but still be "around". I will see him when I am down there on weekends, assuming he is around and not out and about.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sounds like a win/win assuming the cohabitation meets your needs also. Would guess you're not looking for marriage at this point.

 

Had to laugh at your desire for a smooth transition to adulthood - don't we all want that? With four children, I'm 0 for 4. All good kids but each challenging in their own way. Looking back, sure my folks would have said the same thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MomLeslieM]

I agree with the other posters -- you need to be home for your son right now. Your BF should understand that and it's not like he's only 8 and you're saying this is the way it needs to be for the next 10 years, this is short-term and it sounds like he likes your son since he invited him to live with him next year so he should be able to appreciate your need too. And honestly, if he doesn't, perhaps he's not the right person for you since your son will ALWAYS be your son no matter his age - and there will still be times in his life he will need you and he'll need to be your priority. No matter what try to keep your lines of communication open with your son - that's SO important! Good luck!