answers you don't want to hear

[Savannah2]

Questions I've asked MM the past few days:

 

Do you love your wife? yes (it is their anniversary and he posted this long proclomation of love to her on Facebook)

 

You are going on vacation with your wife, will you have sex with her?

yes, probably unless I'm too drunk and can't

 

 

I, of course, did not respond well to these answers. We have been having an affair five years. He told me he doesn't ever want to lie to me and I basically should not ask questions that may have answers I do not want to hear.

 

We are at work today and everyone is wishing him a happy anniversary and I feel like I'm going to throw up knowing he just had his D in my mouth 2 days ago. Sorry to be crass.

 

And yes I've been a frequent poster on here for years and gotten very good advice from many people on this forum. I haven't had the strength to end it.

[carhill]

With transparency one has clear information and perspective they can process.

 

What bugged me was all the MW's who trashed their spouses and spewed the ILY's and you and me's forever without any apparent exhibition of conscience. That still bugs me some since I see it to this day but nowadays I write it off to they do it because they can and some other guy will always come along and want to have sex with them.

 

In your case, you've got clear history, five years of it apparently, and a man who is demonstrating consistent talk and behavior. You also have the power to demonstrate talk and behavior matching the choices you wish in life. Make them and watch someone stop you. Bet they won't. If you want to remain in an affair with this guy, cool, then accept the terms as negotiated. If they're not acceptable, end it. Yeah, I know, that sucks, probably more than getting some harsh truth from MM once in awhile. Unfortunately, that's how life works.

[Bittersweetie]

Savannah it makes me so sad to continue to see you give your power to someone else. I don't even know what to tell you because you've heard it all so many times.

 

Look at my signature: what you allow is what will continue. Nothing will change, no matter how upsetting, until you take your power back.

[Taxed]

Questions I've asked MM the past few days:

 

Do you love your wife? yes (it is their anniversary and he posted this long proclomation of love to her on Facebook)

 

You are going on vacation with your wife, will you have sex with her?

yes, probably unless I'm too drunk and can't

 

 

I, of course, did not respond well to these answers. We have been having an affair five years. He told me he doesn't ever want to lie to me and I basically should not ask questions that may have answers I do not want to hear.

 

We are at work today and everyone is wishing him a happy anniversary and I feel like I'm going to throw up knowing he just had his D in my mouth 2 days ago. Sorry to be crass.

 

And yes I've been a frequent poster on here for years and gotten very good advice from many people on this forum. I haven't had the strength to end it.

 

I am so sorry - my XMM did not lie about his feelings for his wife either, so I guess we should know better, eh? Stayed with him for almost 6 years untill he "developped these, like really deep feelings for me" which apparently became a big issue, since it got too painful for him to handle two cakes at the same time. Got "fired" as an OW around their anniversary, heard all the congratulations at work like you do. It really, really sucks. Why don't you fire him before he fires you as an AP? I think it would be a good way to get some of your own power back. Don´t wait around and do nothing, like I did.

[freengreen]

Its time to put up a no parking sign?. He is eating a cake like an arse and you are allowing it.

 

You already know it isnt worth this pain dont you?

[BTDT2012]

This is what you signed up for. Only you can decide that it isn't enough for you, and you deserve better.

[elaine567]

Are you actually happy here?

Five years is a long time.

I don't think, if I remember rightly, that this man has ever really given you any indication that he rates you highly.

Isn't it time to say enough is enough?

[stillafool]

Why did you ask him those questions? After 5 years and he's still with his wife you already knew the answers.

[Savannah2]

I don't know why I asked. I think the part that bothers me the most is he doesn't love me. I think I would actually handle it better if I heard from him that he loves us both. But I don't get that from him. He says he cares about me deeply, but has never said love. I go back and forth with his level of concern with me. He communicates with me a lot. I hear from him multiple times at night and even on the weekends. He checks in at least every few hours. So in that regard, I feel like he thinks of me a lot even when we are not together.

[whichwayisup]

Questions I've asked MM the past few days:

 

Do you love your wife? yes (it is their anniversary and he posted this long proclomation of love to her on Facebook)

 

You are going on vacation with your wife, will you have sex with her?

yes, probably unless I'm too drunk and can't

 

 

I, of course, did not respond well to these answers. We have been having an affair five years. He told me he doesn't ever want to lie to me and I basically should not ask questions that may have answers I do not want to hear.

 

We are at work today and everyone is wishing him a happy anniversary and I feel like I'm going to throw up knowing he just had his D in my mouth 2 days ago. Sorry to be crass.

 

And yes I've been a frequent poster on here for years and gotten very good advice from many people on this forum. I haven't had the strength to end it.

 

If you choose to continue having an affair with him, figure this out. Either embrace your roll as the OW and that means including his wife and the life he lives with her. HE is HAPPY. Things are great, he gets a wife whom he loves, gets along with, celebrates holidays, anniversary's, birthday's etc., they have sex. Accept that because that's what cards you've been dealt with while having an affair with him. He doesn't want to lie to you and pretend he hates his wife and doesn't have sex with her. If you can't accept things as they are, then end it with him and find a great single guy who loves only you and you don't have to be the OW. Either be happy and stop putting him first, making him your everything - Have other priorities other than him. Or end it (again) if you're not happy.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know why I asked. I think the part that bothers me the most is he doesn't love me. I think I would actually handle it better if I heard from him that he loves us both. But I don't get that from him. He says he cares about me deeply, but has never said love. I go back and forth with his level of concern with me. He communicates with me a lot. I hear from him multiple times at night and even on the weekends. He checks in at least every few hours. So in that regard, I feel like he thinks of me a lot even when we are not together.

 

Then stop focusing on whether he is in love with you or not. You know he cares about you a lot BUT that's not enough for him to change his life, divorce his wife and be with you full time. He's selfish and enjoys being married and having you on the side. It seems he isn't as emotionally invested in you as you are into him. He cares about you deeply. Pushing him to say I love you will only blow up in your face and hurt you. IF you feel unhappy about this, then end it and find a man who will say I love you.

 

Knowing he's married, do you want him thinking and wondering about his wife when you're with him? My guess is no, you want him focused only on you so to hope he thinks of you so much when he's at home is not the right way to think. He can't get caught up in you when he's with his wife. He focuses on her when he's with her. Same as when he's with you, he's focused on you. Make sense? It serves no purpose to wonder stuff like this, allows worries and negative thoughts to take over.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't know why I asked. I think the part that bothers me the most is he doesn't love me. I think I would actually handle it better if I heard from him that he loves us both. But I don't get that from him. He says he cares about me deeply, but has never said love. I go back and forth with his level of concern with me. He communicates with me a lot. I hear from him multiple times at night and even on the weekends. He checks in at least every few hours. So in that regard, I feel like he thinks of me a lot even when we are not together.

 

Having him tell you that he loves you would not make you feel better. Actually you would feel worse, even more trapped, because your female brain would not be able to reconcile how if he loves you, he would not want to be with you. Having him say I love you, your feelings would only intensify.

 

As for him checking in, he does it because he wants to make sure you are where he needs you to be (hung up on him), he may be somewhat bored with the mundane details of life, you provide a certain interesting diversion to his day, and social media in itself is addictive, particularly texting or smsing. It does not mean he is thinking of you. It means he is getting his fix.

 

You must know this by now. He is completing his world; he is only taking away from yours.

 

I spent maybe a year and a half now analyzing similar things and it's finally dawning on me that it really is not that complicated. I was just being lied ot and used, because I allowed it. In my situation he did the I love you thing, pure manipulation, and it took me so long to move past because you think - they said they loved me.

 

It's really what the guys post here. No married guy respects a woman who has sex with a married guy - even if it is himself. Added points if you are married (not sure if you are) - then they really do not respect you.

 

We are just being used for sex. Sometimes it really is just that simple.

[aileD]

Questions I've asked MM the past few days:

 

Do you love your wife? yes (it is their anniversary and he posted this long proclomation of love to her on Facebook)

 

You are going on vacation with your wife, will you have sex with her?

yes, probably unless I'm too drunk and can't

 

 

I, of course, did not respond well to these answers. We have been having an affair five years. He told me he doesn't ever want to lie to me and I basically should not ask questions that may have answers I do not want to hear.

 

We are at work today and everyone is wishing him a happy anniversary and I feel like I'm going to throw up knowing he just had his D in my mouth 2 days ago. Sorry to be crass.

 

And yes I've been a frequent poster on here for years and gotten very good advice from many people on this forum. I haven't had the strength to end it.

 

 

You're the mistress and you have accepted your place as the mistress.

 

If you want different, don't accept it anymore

 

I know it's hard for you to leave, but that's the only way you won't feel like this.

 

To be honest, if you want out but have trouble. Then KEEP ASKING HIM THESE QUESTIONS. . Let him be honest. At some point you will realize that he wants you only for a warm mouth to place his D.

 

Sweetie, he's pretty much admitting that. Long proclamations of love!!!! You're just sex. I'm sorry. You deserve so much more.

 

Start helping yourself. Please Before you waste more of your life...you could have found someone so much better than him within 5 years. Please help yourself

[Girlfromcali]

I don't know why I asked. I think the part that bothers me the most is he doesn't love me. I think I would actually handle it better if I heard from him that he loves us both. But I don't get that from him. He says he cares about me deeply, but has never said love. I go back and forth with his level of concern with me. He communicates with me a lot. I hear from him multiple times at night and even on the weekends. He checks in at least every few hours. So in that regard, I feel like he thinks of me a lot even when we are not together.

 

Man, that's tough!

 

However, it wouldn't make any difference if he told you he loved you, trust me.

My xMM told me he loved us both and I suffered the same.

 

I'm actually happy he doesn't tell you that.

 

My xMM told me I was his soul mate, called me his W when we were in public, said he never had wanted anyone as much before etc etc.

When the reality hit, it was excruciatingly painful. Please believe me that you don't want that..unless you're a masochist.

[Serendipity55]

I agree, my xMM also told me he'd fallen in love with me. It made me actually shed a little tear when he said it, which was totally involuntary and really uncharacteristic. Now I just feel sad that it had that effect.

 

Those three words tapped into my female brain and was what I thought I wanted to hear. I wanted to believe it was love and not just lust.

 

However, it caused me to kid myself that what we had was some big love story (he also said how he wished things were different and he could be with me yada yada) and he made it all feel romantic (someone whispering that they love you when you're in an intimate scenario makes you feel good)...the reality of course was that I was his OW and it was so wrong and so far from a love story. Not what I deserved and not what anyone does.

[BaileyB]

Sadly, the truth hurts. But, you do have to respect his honesty.

 

A question for you - knowing that he loves his wife, has sex with his wife, is likely to have a family with his wife, and unlikely to ever have a future with you... Why did you have his D in your mouth two days ago?

 

The next question, why is it that you value yourself so little to allow yourself to be used for sex when you are not getting what you really want from this man, back in return?

 

I hope you don't waste more of your life on this man. When he tells you that he loves his wife and he plans to stay with his wife, he is telling you to leave. Don't waste any more time, dear girl. It breaks my heart.

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, the truth hurts. But, you do have to respect his honesty.

 

A question for you - knowing that he loves his wife, has sex with his wife, is likely to have a family with his wife, and unlikely to ever have a future with you... Why did you have his D in your mouth two days ago?

 

The next question, why is it that you value yourself so little to allow yourself to be used for sex when you are not getting what you really want from this man, back in return?

 

I hope you don't waste more of your life on this man. When he tells you that he loves his wife and he plans to stay with his wife, he is telling you to leave. Don't waste any more time, dear girl. It breaks my heart.

 

Good post.

 

He is asking you to settle for what crumbs he can give you, when he feels like it on his terms and time frame. He isn't and hasn't made you a high priority in his life.

 

It's not flattering that he is using you as a sexual outlet, yet you allow it to continue. He isn't respecting you at all, he's putting you in your place and you're accepting it! Please, find the love and respect for yourself, aim higher and break up with him so you can grieve and when the timing is right, you can be with a wonderful respectful and kind (single) man who will treat you well and adore you.

[burnt]

to YOU:

He does not say "I love you" to you. But, he is honest to you about how he sees you in his life--his mistress that he has been stringing along for five years. You know exactly what your position is in his life.

 

to his WIFE:

He has been cheating on her for five years. Then he writes a proclamation of love on Facebook telling the ENTIRE world how much he loves her. The whole world of people are cheering and celebrating such true love of a husband for his dear wife. His wife does not know how empty this cheating man's words are.

 

 

So, you wish he uttered the word "I love you" to you?

Well, he utters those words loud and clear to his wife--loudly enough for the entire world to hear on Facebook. How much honesty is there is his words?

 

Which would you rather hear: deceptive "I love you"s or honest no-"I love you"s?

[Tressugar]

It's still sad to hear how ppl will subject themselves into unproductive situations.

[BaileyB]

to YOU:

He does not say "I love you" to you. But, he is honest to you about how he sees you in his life--his mistress that he has been stringing along for five years. You know exactly what your position is in his life.

 

to his WIFE:

He has been cheating on her for five years. Then he writes a proclamation of love on Facebook telling the ENTIRE world how much he loves her. The whole world of people are cheering and celebrating such true love of a husband for his dear wife. His wife does not know how empty this cheating man's words are.

 

 

So, you wish he uttered the word "I love you" to you?

Well, he utters those words loud and clear to his wife--loudly enough for the entire world to hear on Facebook. How much honesty is there is his words?

 

Which would you rather hear: deceptive "I love you"s or honest no-"I love you"s?

 

Exactly. You think that you have it bad. What about his wife who thinks that she has his undying love and devotion? She is completely oblivious that the man who - to all the world - appears the loving and devoted husband values her so little that he is choosing FOR YEARS to use another woman for his own selfish sexual pleasure. Nothing more. Nothing less. I would hate to be this man's poor wife.

Edited March 10, 2017 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

We are at work today and everyone is wishing him a happy anniversary and I feel like I'm going to throw up knowing he just had his D in my mouth 2 days ago. Sorry to be crass.

 

19th July 2015, 3:57PM

 

thoughts on physical activities with MM...

I know that MM still has sex with his wife. Although he says it's not as frequent as frequent as he likes. I constantly compared our sex with theirs. He never said their sex life was bad just not frequent.

He mostly seemed interested in oral with me and seemed to actually avoid intercourse. He never really initiated kissing me or looking at me during it. A lot of times I felt he could get the same from a $40 hooker down the street.

 

Not much has changed, I guess.

[deadsoul]

[] I have to say is someday I hope you love yourself enough to realize you are worth so much more than this. So much more. It makes me sad that you continue accepting these bread crumbs. If you heard the answers you wanted to hear, it would be so much worse. What is really sad is he doesn't even have to lie to you, you accept his "truths" []

Edited March 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Reference without attribution and vulgarities redacted and member moderated

[William]

Let's get back to the topic the thread starter brought to the forum for discussion, which is apparently answers regarding the feelings of her affair partner she doesn't want to hear.

 

If you think past posts or threads of the thread starter have relevance, per guidelines, quote them and link to them. If you like a member's comments but have no content of your own to add, hit that like button; don't quote an entire post and add "I like this". Please do not add in vulgarities or disrespectful comments. All that does is suspend or terminate your posting privileges. Thanks!

[gettingstronger]

Maybe its answers you knew all along but did not want to face?

Honesty cuts both ways I think-

My past experience as a BS with an OW that will not let go I feel compelled to say, if this is not what you want-let go-

 

My husband was honest with our OW and she said she was fine with it, did not want more, etc... she knew of our yearly holiday travel-looked at my FB during that time and the "happy family" pictures drove her over the edge- she exposed and was convinced he would leave for her- when that did not happen it went down hill (she even said, yes, he said he would never leave but I know he was lying-he's staying out of guilt)

 

Point being- if you are not happy with the idea of never being together, do what you can today to start the process of getting out-

 

I have to say all of us have suffered tremendously but in some ways she has the most as she was convinced they would end up together-

[wmacbride]

Questions I've asked MM the past few days:

 

Do you love your wife? yes (it is their anniversary and he posted this long proclomation of love to her on Facebook)

 

You are going on vacation with your wife, will you have sex with her?

yes, probably unless I'm too drunk and can't

 

 

I, of course, did not respond well to these answers. We have been having an affair five years. He told me he doesn't ever want to lie to me and I basically should not ask questions that may have answers I do not want to hear.

 

We are at work today and everyone is wishing him a happy anniversary and I feel like I'm going to throw up knowing he just had his D in my mouth 2 days ago. Sorry to be crass.

 

And yes I've been a frequent poster on here for years and gotten very good advice from many people on this forum. I haven't had the strength to end it.

 

So long as you see yourself as a victim, things will never change. When you are a victim, you lose control over the negative experiences you are exposed to.

Try flipping the situation an seeing it as something you have contributed, agreed to and actively participate in because you chose to do so, but ad odd a it might sound, that is actually to your benefit. If you can choose to be in it, you can also choose to be out of it. It's not going to be easy, but you can do it.

 

You have an inner strength in you that's just hidden right now. Between you and your mm, you've been beaten down so much you seem to have forgotten that. Why not take the first step towards finding you again, even if it's just a tiny one. That's how longest journeys start.