I need some insight [he phoned me to tell me he was going to try again with his wife]

[eve.rafter]

I will try to keep my convoluted and messy story brief, but that might be impossible.

 

I have been married for 24 years, children flown the nest, have been drifting apart for years, husband emotionally distant, unaffectionate and not interested in me. I met someone two years ago, the type of work he does meant he worked away a lot and he had a job close to where I live. He was also married, his wife ( of 5 years) at home 400 miles away (no children with her, but two from previous relationship). We became friends ( he had accommodation where I worked so saw and chatted to him frequently) and over a year, things developed and in March last year, we realised we had fallen hard for each other. I knew it was wrong given our respective situations. He offered to get a relocation, I insisted we stop messaging etc, but it didn't work, feelings were way too strong.

 

Six months later, we planned to leave our respective partners. His relationship with his wife was even less satisfactory than mine (she was supposed to come and visit him every couple of months but came down once in 2 years, and that was with friends). He was essentially waiting for me to make the initial move to leave but I delayed things because my son came to stay for a few months and I didn't want to leave while he was there. My son left but it got close to Christmas and I told him there was no way I could leave on Christmas.

 

Anyway, this choice was taken away from me / us because 2 weeks before Xmas, his wife discovered via his Facebook messages /google account. She, understandably, went ballistic, nuclear exposure all over Facebook, tagging all his mates, his family. She got to his mother and kids first. I left my husband that night and moved in with my sister. My AP slept in his van for a few nights and then I found us some temporary accommodation so we moved in, shellshocked and tried to keep our heads low. His wife was messaging and ringing all the time. He was answering hoping to limit any further damage. He started going downhill mentally and emotionally and left me to go back home and sort things. He was upset that his kids weren't talking to him and 'wanted to make things right'. I was devastated but let him go, realising this was no way to start a healthy relationship.

 

I didn't contact him but two weeks later he got back in contact with me. We started messaging and making plans again with him telling me that leaving me was the worst mistake he had ever made. I told him that if we were going to stand a chance this time, that he needed to treat his wife with honesty, integrity and compassion if he wanted to be with me but to take it steady and not be reactive again. She found out we had been in contact (her IT skills are a lot more sophisticated than his). The proverbial poo hit the fan again. He then told her everything - all the details. That he was no longer in love with her and how we planned a future together etc. He said she appeared forgiving and understanding so I thought - well that's it then. We can be together. A few days later he phoned me to tell me he was going to try again with his wife, had to cut off contact with me. I was understandably shocked and asked him if it had all been some sort of fantasy / lies. He replied that he had meant every word but there were other things to think about - 'the house, family,' etc.

 

That was six weeks ago and we haven't been in contact since, although his wife sent me a strange message suggesting that she had fallen out of love with him, hence the affair, but now she loved him, he loved her and they were going to renew their wedding vows ( this was less than a week after he had told her he didn't love her). Anyway - I am at a complete loss as to what is going on / motivating him, and why she took him back. In two years, he spent around 70 days at his house, I saw him daily. He sacrificed job offers and comfort to stay near me in the last six months. I truly do not understand. Before anyone starts occupying any moral high ground - yes I feel incredibly guilty and know I am one of the bad guys here and it sounds like an episode from a bad sitcom but can anyone shed any light?? Should I contact him and demand answers? I just feel I can't move on like this.

Edited March 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[somanymistakes]

Affairs are complicated, people's feelings are torn, and what people want at the best of times they sometimes find isn't worth the cost they'd have to pay to get them. It was easy for him to imagine how great it would be with you and how simple it would be to let go of his wife if he didn't see much of her anyway and he thought very little would change in his life - but she made it clear that a LOT would change, that his family and friends would hate him, and probably pointed out that he's still going to be on the hook financially even if he leaves, and may be much worse off. Suddenly that easy deal looks a lot less easy. And if he's not willing to lose what he had, he's going to fight hard for a while to try and keep it.

 

Trying to get in contact with him right now is probably not going to help you any.

[RecentChange]

Affairs very very rarely have a happily ever for the affair partners. That's just the way it is.

[harrybrown]

your A is not reality.

 

Your OM also had other women on the side when he was with you.

 

He wanted sex with you and got it.

 

Hope you give your H a nice D for all that you have put him thru.

 

What are you doing to help your H heal from your betrayal?

 

After your D, try dating single men. How is your H? do you ever think of him?

 

Let the OM go. Leave him alone. Wait until he is done with his marriage and stay N/C.

 

Contact affair -recovery .com to see if they can help you with your poor boundaries.

[BuddyX]

He lied non stop to you. The following quote is a perfect example

 

"That he was no longer in love with her and how we planned a future together etc."

 

You think he actually said that? His wife would never take him back if he told her he doesnt love her and he has someone on the side.

[somanymistakes]

Why make stuff up when the truth is bad enough? There's no evidence he was seeing other women. There's no evidence that he lied about what he said to his wife - married men DO say these kinds of things to their heartbroken wives and their wives DO sometimes refuse to give up. An awful lot of people hear "I love you but I'm not in love with you any more" and take it as a challenge to try and save their marriages.

 

But what there IS evidence of is that he values his old life more than the possibility of being with you.

[eve.rafter]

Thank you for your responses -especially somanymistakes. You appear to have non-judgemental insight, which I appreciate.

 

I am moving on with my life but I find that the manner in which this ended contrary to everything we had in our 'relationship'. We were very close, we shared thoughts, feelings and ideas. We never had sex. This was an emotional affair. In my naïve way, I thought that by not having sex, I was not crossing some moral boundary.

 

I know that when I say 'He told her...', I only have his word for it but what he has told me corresponded with the message I received from his wife, and there was no way he had the energy or the time to be seeing other women, as much as that might disappoint HarryBrown, with his initialisms / acronyms which confused me, I have to say:

'Hope you give your H a nice D for all that you have put him thru.' ( What does 'd' stand for - day? divorce? dollar? - I have absolutely no idea!)

 

 

My husband is getting on with his life. Although the discovery of the affair was a shock to him, it has woken him from his stupor and he is rediscovering himself. We remain friends and I wish the best for him but he knows that our relationship was over.

 

I fell in love. I wish I hadn't but I am human and the damage is done. Lesson learnt. I think this was all about finding the path of least resistance in the end. The guilt, the discovery, - he just needed some peace and that's why he remains with his wife, as opposed to taking the risk with me.

[Joie]

he just needed some peace and that's why he remains with his wife, as opposed to taking the risk with me.

 

I think you gave yourself the answer. You weren't worth the risk. Whatever he felt for you wasn't enough for him to change his life.

 

I wouldn't contact him because you are never going to get closure. Mainly because you don't want closure. You want him to change his mind. You want another chance to prove you are worth it.

 

Don't lower yourself like that.

[deadsoul]

Here's what I've learned from my own mess: closure won't come from him. You have to create your own. And once you accept that, you will begin to heal. It is a tough and painful road, but the only way out is through.

 

I promise it gets easier. The beginning is so intense, and I know I sound like a cliche here, but it really does get easier.

 

I'm doing a lot of inner healing and figuring out why I made the choices I did with a person who was not a good person.

[Marc878]

He chose his wife and family. In an affair it's great until discovery and a bright light is shone on it. Now it's reality time.

 

However, under the circumstances I suspect he wouldn't have cut the cord anyway. Most never do when it comes time.

 

Your best bet is to stay a hard NC and move on. There's nothing for you there.

[eve.rafter]

I have no intention of waiting around emotionally for him and if he got in contact with me while he was still with her, I would tell him in no uncertain terms where to go.

 

I fluctuate from hating him one minute for what he's done to me, to feeling incredibly sad and not able to cope. I have never had a relationship like it before. It was very intense. He was very loving and supportive and we were best friends. I know it's a cliché but we were like soulmates. But I also now know in hindsight that it was in an artificial reality, as affairs are. I have done a tremendous amount of reading about this type of relationship since, looking for answers - although each one is different - but it seems to be the case that when men leave, they are far more likely to go back to their estranged spouses than women are, even when children aren't involved. I am not sure what that says about gender differences but it is an observation.

 

I am 49 - not a spring chicken by anyone's count - and have always counted myself as a good judge of character - so what I am finding so hard is that he wasn't the person I thought he was. But I'll get over it. I've been through worse and I am sure I will get to feel that way again with somebody more deserving.

[Marc878]

I have no intention of waiting around emotionally for him and if he got in contact with me while he was still with her, I would tell him in no uncertain terms where to go.

 

I fluctuate from hating him one minute for what he's done to me, to feeling incredibly sad and not able to cope. I have never had a relationship like it before. It was very intense. He was very loving and supportive and we were best friends. I know it's a cliché but we were like soulmates. But I also now know in hindsight that it was in an artificial reality, as affairs are. I have done a tremendous amount of reading about this type of relationship since, looking for answers - although each one is different - but it seems to be the case that when men leave, they are far more likely to go back to their estranged spouses than women are, even when children aren't involved. I am not sure what that says about gender differences but it is an observation.

 

I am 49 - not a spring chicken by anyone's count - and have always counted myself as a good judge of character - so what I am finding so hard is that he wasn't the person I thought he was. But I'll get over it. I've been through worse and I am sure I will get to feel that way again with somebody more deserving.

 

sorry but this is a pretty typical affair and ended the same way.

[elaine567]

I am 49 - not a spring chicken .

 

I guess he was around the same age or maybe even older.

Men in their fifties seem to love having OWs, but they already have a wife and often seem to be in no hurry to acquire another, no matter how far their flights of fancy may have taken them.

I guess money is at the heart of it as well as comfort and habit. Who wants to line the pockets of some lawyer with their hard earned cash especially with retirement just around the corner and every penny thus being sacred.

It may have been exciting at 30 to just leave with a lover and live frugally in a seedy apartment, but at 50+, that appeal has waned.

He will love his house, his garden, his car/cars, his friends, his neighbours, his kids, his pets, his status etc. he does not want to go through a protracted potentially nasty and crippling divorce and for what? A woman who was happy to help him lie and cheat behind his innocent wife's back, a deceitful woman... Hypocritical yes but it is often what it boils down to.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, but it seems to be a common story on these boards.

"We love each other so much, what we have is special, he will leave his wife and we will be together"... only he doesn't... or he actually does and then very quickly he goes back to the wife... or he gets caught and throws the OW under a bus...

"I am heartbroken - they are renewing their vows..."

 

Next step, once the furore dies down, he will contact you again looking to see if you are still so besotted with him you will agree to being his OW with few other expectations, as he cannot leave his wife due to x, y and z... he may even suggest it becomes physical... you may be so grateful to have him back in your life, you will agree.

Be prepared.

[eve.rafter]

 

 

Next step, once the furore dies down, he will contact you again looking to see if you are still so besotted with him you will agree to being his OW with few other expectations, as he cannot leave his wife due to x, y and z... he may even suggest it becomes physical... you may be so grateful to have him back in your life, you will agree.

Be prepared.

 

No - I won't. I have more self respect. I'm not going to be the OW and I really don't think he's going to contact me again, after the phone conversation where I basically told him he was a cheat, a fraud, a manipulator etc. He knows what I think and I really don't think he would have the audacity to contact me. I certainly won't be contacting him.

 

While I was caught up in it all I wasn't thinking straight. I see that now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - I now see it was typical, a cliché, a textbook case almost. We were both unhappy in our relationships so sought artificial solace in each other. I don't regret leaving my marital home. When push came to shove, he couldn't / wouldn't / didn't want to.

[aliveagain]

I have no intention of waiting around emotionally for him and if he got in contact with me while he was still with her, I would tell him in no uncertain terms where to go.

 

I fluctuate from hating him one minute for what he's done to me, to feeling incredibly sad and not able to cope. I have never had a relationship like it before. It was very intense. He was very loving and supportive and we were best friends. I know it's a cliché but we were like soulmates. But I also now know in hindsight that it was in an artificial reality, as affairs are. I have done a tremendous amount of reading about this type of relationship since, looking for answers - although each one is different - but it seems to be the case that when men leave, they are far more likely to go back to their estranged spouses than women are, even when children aren't involved. I am not sure what that says about gender differences but it is an observation.

 

I am 49 - not a spring chicken by anyone's count - and have always counted myself as a good judge of character - so what I am finding so hard is that he wasn't the person I thought he was. But I'll get over it. I've been through worse and I am sure I will get to feel that way again with somebody more deserving.

 

"He is not the man you thought he was, you were soul mates," that is the fantasy. The reality is, he's a married guy that works 400 miles away from home and cheats on his wife of only 3 years with another man's wife. He went back to his wife because he worked out what the divorce would cost him. Any man that will break up another man's marriage for his own selfish needs isn't that nice a guy. Why bring a third person into an already troubled marriage, how did that work for you? Work on your marriage or get out of it if it's dead.

 

You should work on yourself so you will be mentally ready for a new relationship. That means ending the one you had with your husband. My suggestion is start with independent counselling, find out why you allowed yourself the approval to cheat so it never happens again in a new relationship. Negotiate a fair divorce with your husband, one that doesn't include the word adultery in it. Nothing will scare a guy off quicker then seeing the word adultery on a final decree(yes you have to have your final decree in order to get a marriage license). Don't let your past interfere with your future, fix what needs to be fixed before you jump into a new relationship.

[elaine567]

Work on your marriage or get out of it if it's dead.

 

 

The OP has already left her marriage. and marital home.

[elaine567]

No - I won't. I have more self respect. I'm not going to be the OW and I really don't think he's going to contact me again, after the phone conversation where I basically told him he was a cheat, a fraud, a manipulator etc. He knows what I think and I really don't think he would have the audacity to contact me. I certainly won't be contacting him.

 

While I was caught up in it all I wasn't thinking straight. I see that now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - I now see it was typical, a cliché, a textbook case almost. We were both unhappy in our relationships so sought artificial solace in each other. I don't regret leaving my marital home. When push came to shove, he couldn't / wouldn't / didn't want to.

 

Unfortunately affairs can be very addictive and despite all reason, many still fall hook line and sinker when he shows up again professing love and before they know it, they get hooked in and restart the affair.

They want to feel that buzz again.

 

Stick to your guns.

[wmacbride]

You may not like hearing this but please think about it before you dismiss it.

 

Your relationship with your om was toxic for both of you. You say yourself how he gave up job offered and comfort to be with you, and look what you have been through because of him.

 

A relationship that is good for both shouldn't hold either one back. It should enrich your lives instead of detract form it. Whether you love each other or not, I can't say, but love doesn't mean people are good for each other or even that they should be together.

[NTV]

Why do you write like you are a victim of your own emotions?

[eve.rafter]

 

A relationship that is good for both shouldn't hold either one back. It should enrich your lives instead of detract form it. Whether you love each other or not, I can't say, but love doesn't mean people are good for each other or even that they should be together.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. The thing is, it enriched my life tremendously when I was in the 'bubble' of the relationship, but because it was surrounded by secrecy and deceit, it was actually torturous.

 

@ NTV - I wasn't aware I was but aren't we all victims of our emotions at times? Isn't it just part of being human?

[gettingstronger]

Life on the road is complicated- it complicates marriages and relationships-makes it easy to compartmentalize home life and road life-I believe he did care for you and I do not think he was lying in that- however, when home life and road life collide, suddenly it looks a lot different and the two lives have to become one- I am sorry for you that you became involved with a road warrior-its truly something that unless you live it you can not understand- do not beat yourself up, don't second guess it too much-heal and move forward- good luck-

[BuddyX]

I agree wholeheartedly. The thing is, it enriched my life tremendously when I was in the 'bubble' of the relationship, but because it was surrounded by secrecy and deceit, it was actually torturous.

 

@ NTV - I wasn't aware I was but aren't we all victims of our emotions at times? Isn't it just part of being human?

 

Opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. You should strive for that emotion.

[Grapesofwrath]

Eve: I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain, but I agree with those who suggest that you not reach out to the xMM and just work on your own healing. A couple thoughts:

 

1) Agree with Gettingstronger re: road warriors. My xMM was one of those and that life set the stage for the A. If you think about it, the fact that someone decides to be a road warrior tells you a lot about his priorities. This is someone who prioritizes income and career path over time with family. Simple as that. And that is a marriage that prioritizes income and career over time with family. so it would make sense that when it comes time to decide between income/financial security and a new relationship, the decision is made to go with income/financial security.

 

2) Most importantly, actions speak louder than words. Always. Don't put a lot of stock into the words. My xMM told me he loved me a thousand times. His final words to me were "I love you, grapes." He also said he loved his wife. But his actions showed otherwise on both counts.

 

3) You mentioned that the two of you were living together for a short time. Did I get that right? And the relationship never turned physical?

[eve.rafter]

 

 

 

3) You mentioned that the two of you were living together for a short time. Did I get that right? And the relationship never turned physical?

 

Yes - sorry - it was physical at that stage - I had left my husband at that time so in my distorted morality, it was allowed, if you know what I mean.

 

The term Road Warrior is a good one. Although he was no Mad Max!

[BTDT2012]

I fell in love. I wish I hadn't but I am human and the damage is done. Lesson learnt. I think this was all about finding the path of least resistance in the end. The guilt, the discovery, - he just needed some peace and that's why he remains with his wife, as opposed to taking the risk with me.

 

Don't try to figure out why he remains with his wife. You took the risk of leaving your marriage to be with him, he took no risk. He didn't end it with him wife , he continued his secret life with you. Own your choices. You are not a victim here.