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I need some insight [he phoned me to tell me he was going to try again with his wife]

eve.rafter

By eve.rafter
in Infidelity

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gettingstronger Established Member

gettingstronger

Posted
Posted (edited)
Eve: I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain, but I agree with those who suggest that you not reach out to the xMM and just work on your own healing. A couple thoughts:

 

1) Agree with Gettingstronger re: road warriors. My xMM was one of those and that life set the stage for the A. If you think about it, the fact that someone decides to be a road warrior tells you a lot about his priorities. This is someone who prioritizes income and career path over time with family. Simple as that. And that is a marriage that prioritizes income and career over time with family. so it would make sense that when it comes time to decide between income/financial security and a new relationship, the decision is made to go with income/financial security.

 

2) Most importantly, actions speak louder than words. Always. Don't put a lot of stock into the words. My xMM told me he loved me a thousand times. His final words to me were "I love you, grapes." He also said he loved his wife. But his actions showed otherwise on both counts.

 

3) You mentioned that the two of you were living together for a short time. Did I get that right? And the relationship never turned physical?

 

 

IDK if I agree with #1- everyones life circumstances are different- would you say the same of our service members that are away from home for extended periods- I have to say, neither life on the road or our decision to reconcile are driven by income/financial security- life on the road is part of his industry, our decision to reconcile was based on love-

 

 

What is interesting- in therapy it was said roadwarriors have a distorted sense of self- they enter the plane first on a little red carpet, they are treated well at hotels, they are served a majority of their meals, etc... they return home to more of a partnership than a customer type of relationship- many (not all affairs) give them that sense of being a customer- the AP is eager to see them, there are less expectations, ect...

Edited by gettingstronger
  • Like 2
BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

Posted
Posted

OP here is the deal...

 

 

Your OM, probably did/does love you. But when it comes to the money, wife freaking out on you, everyone knowing, a lot of guys just don't have the ball to tell everyone to kiss their a**.

 

As BS and very WS, that is just how it is. He will probably stay with her. He will reach out in a couple of months, no doubt.

 

As for you, if you are done with your marriage, the get it over with. People have a lot of opinions, but this one is here to say that life on the other side if just the most wonderful thing.

 

Go out have some fun and live life. You only go around once...

Grapesofwrath Established Member

Grapesofwrath

Posted
Posted
IDK if I agree with #1- everyones life circumstances are different- would you say the same of our service members that are away from home for extended periods- I have to say, neither life on the road or our decision to reconcile are driven by income/financial security- life on the road is part of his industry, our decision to reconcile was based on love-

 

 

What is interesting- in therapy it was said roadwarriors have a distorted sense of self- they enter the plane first on a little red carpet, they are treated well at hotels, they are served a majority of their meals, etc... they return home to more of a partnership than a customer type of relationship- many (not all affairs) give them that sense of being a customer- the AP is eager to see them, there are less expectations, ect...

 

I don't put military service members in this same category. I don't think people join the military for financial gain. They join out of a sense of service, duty, or patriotism. Or possibly because they don't see another avenue for themselves to obtain an education and/or career training. I was talking more about people who elect to earn a living by traveling away from home the majority of the time when income-earning options exist closer to home that would meet the family needs but perhaps result in a little less money.

EZNona Established Member

EZNona

Posted
Posted
OP here is the deal...

 

 

Your OM, probably did/does love you. But when it comes to the money, wife freaking out on you, everyone knowing, a lot of guys just don't have the ball to tell everyone to kiss their a**.

 

 

 

This is 100% truth. A lot of people don't seem to realize this about men caught up in a single long-term affair.

Vivir Established Member

Vivir

Posted
Posted

I really don't mean to threadjack, but I would like to address this comment:

 

I was talking more about people who elect to earn a living by traveling away from home the majority of the time when income-earning options exist closer to home that would meet the family needs but perhaps result in a little less money.

 

Perhaps you are right, Grapes. Perhaps the statistics prove your point. Still, as one of the aforementioned road warriors, I have been put off by your comments. I am not angry, and I don't mean for my post to come off in this way. I just have thin skin and I am highly sensitive about my work, because it seems everyone has something to say about it - usually it's very negative.

 

When I started my career, I was single. I specifically chose it because I assumed I could earn enough money to put myself through school and help my Mom with finances. Unfortunately, I also made a conscious decision not to seek monogamous relationships because I felt that I would've been "wrong" for asking someone to wait for me until I returned home. This decision melded into the background and became unconscious.

 

What I didn't count on was the possibility that I would eventually want and need love and affection. After years of shady behavior and disastrous entanglements (with single men), I needed to find out why I had allowed myself to be used over and over again. I needed to figure out why I had put myself in such situations. I really, really hurt myself. It finally occurred to me that I was the one that had made the decision all of those years ago and followed it up with actions that worked to destroy my own self-esteem. Just because it was my career choice didn't mean that I should've assumed I didn't "deserve" companionship and monogamy - which is the bullisht I had sold myself.

 

Furthermore, I found that I made the least among my group of peers. But compared to working at home, I could earn in a week what it took people two weeks or more to earn. Though I did put myself through school and earned two degrees, I have found that I make more than the corresponding jobs pay. Those jobs, I assume, are a helluva lot easier and would take up less of my time, and I sought them out and prayed for them.

 

At the end of the day, financial insecurity does not make for a happy life, and for various reasons (lack of training, poor or nonexistent job prospects, etc.) many people are willing to sacrifice time at home - which is where they often would rather be - in order to be more financially secure. The stage is set for affairs, but it doesn't mean committed persons will do so. If I had given myself the chance to accept monogamy, I feel that I would not have cheated on my partner. Of course, I cannot say for sure, but I like to think I wouldn't.

NTV Established Member

NTV

Posted
Posted

 

@ NTV - I wasn't aware I was but aren't we all victims of our emotions at times? Isn't it just part of being human?

 

If you're talking grief from someone close passing? Maybe. But you aren't. You've made some pretty significant life changing decisions based on feelings that you knew were fleeting, right?

somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

Posted
Posted

"feelings that you knew were fleeting"

 

All feelings are fleeting if you look at it that way - everyone dies, most relationships fail. We make the best choices we can at the time. Why attack people over that?

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted

 

At the end of the day, financial insecurity does not make for a happy life, and for various reasons (lack of training, poor or nonexistent job prospects, etc.) many people are willing to sacrifice time at home - which is where they often would rather be - in order to be more financially secure. The stage is set for affairs, but it doesn't mean committed persons will do so. If I had given myself the chance to accept monogamy, I feel that I would not have cheated on my partner. Of course, I cannot say for sure, but I like to think I wouldn't.

 

Aren't you effectively proving Grape's point? There are non-traveling opportunities available but they don't meet your financial goals. By emphasizing the monetary aspect, you make a conscious decision to prioritize other things less - family, friends, local activities, etc. Not much you can do for those relationships from a hotel room thousands of miles away...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Grapesofwrath Established Member

Grapesofwrath

Posted
Posted
Aren't you effectively proving Grape's point? There are non-traveling opportunities available but they don't meet your financial goals. By emphasizing the monetary aspect, you make a conscious decision to prioritize other things less - family, friends, local activities, etc. Not much you can do for those relationships from a hotel room thousands of miles away...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Ditto.

 

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