Am I justified?

[amkxoxo]

So my old college roommate, Kate and I live a good 1 and a half hours from each other. We are very close even though we graduated many years ago. She is like a member of my family. When we get the chance to see each other we try to catch up.

 

Recently the Ed Sheeran concert was announced. Kate and I saw him years ago in concert together and it was so great. So I figured this time around we would go again. I messaged her, asked if she wanted to go with me, and she said yes. Thought it was a done deal. I told some of my new friends whom I live with in my area that Kate and I were going and, they surprised me as fans themselves. They all said they would love to go too. I figured what harm would it be to add more to the group. It would be a fun girls time.

 

I go to tell Kate and she springs on me that she asked her current roommate and her current roommates friend want to go with us. Kate says that I am her #1, but that she just wanted to ask. I said okay, but with hesitation.

 

Now I offered to buy the tickets for Kate and my new friends, so we could all sit together etc... And I trust them to pay me since I know them. I told Kate that I feel uncomfortable buying for her two friends, whom I don't know. She the tries to tell me that they are trustworthy etc, but I tell her I am still uncomfortable.

 

She assures me that she will front the money if all else etc...

 

Now she and I are at odds, because I have a special code to get the tickets so I have to get them, for she, I, and her friends, and mine. Then I find out the limit is 6 tickets per code, and that leaves me only two of my friends, so kicking some of my friends out. I tell Kate this and she now says she feels stuck because she wants to go with me and her new friends.

 

Well I already invited some of my friends and I am not backing out and kicking some people off. I think thats wrong. And some of us are thinking of getting a hotel, and I told her how I felt uncomfortable sharing a hotel with her and her friends that I don't know and because of this situation, I have to leave my friends to get their own hotel room by themselves even though I invited them.

 

I don't know who is in what wrong. Now my old roommate is saying how she won't ditch her friends and that she figured I was going with others anyway.

 

Any help!!!!

[d0nnivain]

It's unfortunate that you both invited others without talking to the other 1st. Did she know you had a special code? That makes things a little trickier.

 

 

Can you have her on the phone with you when you buy the tickets. Perhaps, even if you can only get 6 she can still get seats near yours & she can pay with her card for her group & you can pay for yours since you know they will pay you back. As for you being upset that you were expected to front money for people you don't know, as soon as Kate said she'd cover her friends your dilemma was solved.

[amkxoxo]

She knew I had the code from the beginning. One piece of it was the money. I got socked with two tickets to a show, and has to pay for them. Tried to sell them and couldn't. I will never do that again. It was $100 wasted.

 

Secondly, it was more about the fact that I asked her first to do it with me. I did ask other people, but she was one of them to do it with me. I thought a big girls group would be fun. But I invited people that know me. Her friend only know her. Kate even knows my friends. And she acted at first like she and I were each others number 1 and it was all about us going together. Now she is preaching about how she and her roommate talked about going together a long time ago. She never mentioned that when I asked her about it. She immediately said yes and was all on board with me. Now the story is changing.

 

I feel bad, but I'm thinking of telling her that we should get our own tickets and I will get mine with my friends. Just because we can still have fun, grab dinner, we just won't be next to each other for the show. And I will get a hotel room comfortably with my friends. And she with hers since she knows them.

 

I just really wanted her to go with me. I don't want her to be mad at me, but she sort of pushed me into this position.

[rester]

How many friends did you invite? I don't think it's a good idea to promise people tickets to a concert before you know if you can get them or not.

 

I would buy the 6 tickets: 1 for you, 1 for Kate, and then you each bring two friends.

 

edited to add:

It's unfortunate that you both invited others without talking to the other 1st.

 

I agree with this. ^^^ You're both in the wrong for having invited others without discussing it. Now you need to compromise or not go together.

Edited March 10, 2017 by rester

[d0nnivain]

The minute you tell her to get her own tickets, this friendship will take a big hit.

 

 

This issue about money & friends of friends comes up with you. I remember a road trip a while back that you didn't want to go on because somebody invited somebody you didn't know & you were annoyed because they were going to be in your car, or something like that.

 

 

What do you have against enlarging your social circle? that may be at the heart of this.

[amkxoxo]

I did tell Kate that we should do tickets seperated so we don't end up excluding anyone

I told her we can all hangout beforehand and grab dinner. It will be fun.

 

Now the issue comes with the hotel. Now Kate tells me that her two girlfriends don't want to pay for one. So she's asking if she and I should split one. But what about my friends I'm actually going to the concert with?

[todreaminblue]

soem times hotels have adjoining rooms maybe you could do that ....deb

[basil67]

re the rooms: work out the number of people staying and the number of beds in a room. Book the necessary number of rooms and split the cost between everyone who's staying.

[anika99]

The minute you tell her to get her own tickets, this friendship will take a big hit.

 

 

This issue about money & friends of friends comes up with you. I remember a road trip a while back that you didn't want to go on because somebody invited somebody you didn't know & you were annoyed because they were going to be in your car, or something like that.

 

 

What do you have against enlarging your social circle? that may be at the heart of this.

 

Yeah I think it's odd that you expect Kate to be fine with your friends and to be comfortable sharing a hotel room with your friends but your all up in arms and offended at the idea of including Kate's friends. Also you don't want to renege on any of your friends but you seem to think Kate should be fine ditching her friends. I guess Kate didn't realize when you invited her that you expected to be the only one running the show and making all the decisions regarding who could or could not be invited. Normally I would say that Kate was wrong to invite others without talking to you first but you did the same.

 

At this point I would say you and Kate should both make your own arrangements.

[amkxoxo]

Its not that. Kate knows my friends. She has met them multiple times and hung out with them with me before. She expected me to drop money on tickets for her friends whom I have never met, and share beds with them at a hotel, when I have never ever met them.

 

I had the pre-sale code and I did invite her, so I am the one who is responsible for getting the tickets and I asked her to go with me and my friends.

[d0nnivain]

No she told you that she would guarantee payment to you for the friends' tickets.

 

 

Why do you expect that if you shared a hotel room with her & her friends, that you would be in a bed with a woman you didn't know as opposed to sharing a bed with Kate? If you so much as said to her, I'd prefer my own bed or I don't want to sleep with anybody but you, why would that be a problem? On that score I am with you. Post college sharing a bed is odd but if I have to do it out of necessity, it has to be with a dear friend not somebody I just met. But again, there are solutions to that dilemma that don't involve blowing up your friendship

[preraph]

I'm ruthless about tickets to concerts, but honestly, I'd tell her her friend will have to buy their own tickets and go together and that if she prefers to sit with them, you will eat a ticket if you must.

 

I was recently in a ticket bru-ha-ha with old ex bf, who is married. We worked together in music so that's our bond and just once in a blue moon go see something. He does the inviting, not me.

 

Well, our favorite artist is coming for the first time in decades, so I just sent him the itinerary to be sure he knew about it and I wasn't even thinking when I'd buy a ticket or about going with him.

 

So I was out on a road trip the day they went on sale apparently, and he had kept up with that and when I got home in the evening (I don't have a smartphone) I had messages and emails from him wanting to know the code. I didn't even know about the code thing, but sure enough, I had a code, so that night I called him and gave it and he bought 4 tickets, one for me, one for his wife, one for his cousin.

 

Then I guess the next day, he finds out his wife bought just them two a ticket and was doing it to surprise him (though how she thought he wouldn't know his favorite artist was coming is beyond me because even without me giving him early warning, he follows the news).

 

So then there's 6 tickets and 4 people. Well, I am very broke all the time, and can't even afford 1 ticket and none of my friends are going to pay $90 to see this artist, so I just told him I only need one ticket, and I know it caused problems but I can't cough up $180 for no reason and I'm not the one who didn't coordinate with my spouse! So he ended up selling the spare ticket and the cousin bought two. I know the wife is probably mad I didn't just buy the other ticket, but that's too much cash for me to come up with. Now, if I'd bought my own ticket, I'd have put it on my card anyway, not paid cash.

 

It's easy to get crosswise with people over tickets. Decades ago, me and a friend stayed all night for Led Zeppelin tickets, but then she let her friend cut in line. We were 4 from the front. Her friend put herself ahead of us and got the better tickets and we got crap tickets and I told my friend she needed to make her friend make it right since she let her cut in. I was not at ALL happy about it.

[Mr Scorpio]

Are the tickets sold out?

[preraph]

I may be mistaken, but is this a friend you have a history of her choosing her closer friends over you and not doing things one on one much? If so, you should just assume she's going to pull something.

[introverted1]

If I have the timeline right:

 

- You invited Kate to a concert with you

- You then extended the invite to some of your friends

- You told Kate about inviting your friends after you had done so

- Kate then said that she also wants to invite some friends and you agreed

 

No, you are not justified in whatever came after this. You were the ones to change the rules of engagement, so to speak, by making this a group even rather than a one-on-one with Kate. Nothing inherently wrong with that, but you have no basis for being annoyed at Kate for doing exactly what you did with the important difference that she asked you first.

 

Next time, think ahead. If you only have a coupon for 6 and no one can afford to pay the full price, agree with Kate up front that you can each bring two friends or whatever.

 

As someone noted, you seem to find yourself in this sort of situation often, or at least not infrequently. Why do you think that's so?

[amkxoxo]

Kate and I worked things out.

 

My thought process was that why was I going to buy tickets for my now good friends and two strangers, when I could buy all the tickets for people I was friends with whom wanted to go with me.

 

Kate even said to me the other day "Oh well you will love my two friends. I mean one girl is standoffish and not as friendly, but you will like them."

 

What?

 

She literally just told me one of the girls isn't friendly and won't like me, pretty much. What the heck. And I was going to buy this girl and ticket and share a hotel room with her? No way.

 

All my friends know Kate and are really friendly to her.

 

Now Kate wants to share a hotel room with me, but doesn't know if her two friends will want to do that. My friends are all in. I need to know, to plan, financially etc...

[anika99]

Kate and I worked things out.

 

My thought process was that why was I going to buy tickets for my now good friends and two strangers, when I could buy all the tickets for people I was friends with whom wanted to go with me.

 

Kate even said to me the other day "Oh well you will love my two friends. I mean one girl is standoffish and not as friendly, but you will like them."

 

What?

 

She literally just told me one of the girls isn't friendly and won't like me, pretty much. What the heck. And I was going to buy this girl and ticket and share a hotel room with her? No way.

 

All my friends know Kate and are really friendly to her.

 

Now Kate wants to share a hotel room with me, but doesn't know if her two friends will want to do that. My friends are all in. I need to know, to plan, financially etc...

 

Geez, lighten up. She didn't say her friend wouldn't like you, she said she's not as friendly. Maybe she is shy or reserved. It's probably you who won't like anyone because you have had a poor attitude regarding Kate's friends from the start. Stop being so freaking judgemental.

[SpiralOut]

Kate even said to me the other day "Oh well you will love my two friends. I mean one girl is standoffish and not as friendly, but you will like them."

 

What?

 

She literally just told me one of the girls isn't friendly and won't like me, pretty much. What the heck. And I was going to buy this girl and ticket and share a hotel room with her? No way.

 

She was telling you to not take it personally if the one girl didn't talk to you much. She's probably just a quiet person. You're jumping to conclusions.

[amkxoxo]

I did not mean it to come across that way at all. I am open to meeting new people. I love having people around me. Its not that. She out right told me that one girl is friendly and will like me. And the other girl is standoffish and not as willing to meet new people. She even said she can be a Bi***.

 

I remember when she lived with the Bi*** girl, she told me she didn't like her as a roommate at all and she wished she was back living with me. She claimed the girl was terrible to live with. But then she preaches that they are such good friends now. I am not as open to meeting someone she claimed isn't that nice and wasn't a great person to live with. Anyone would be skeptical.

 

And I guess I didn't explain Kate that well. Kate's upbringing and family life is really messed up. Kate is a great person. I lived in a dorm with her. We became good friends, but Kate hasn't always picked the classiest people to have as friends, as she didn't really have a great family to motivate her to want or seek more in her life. She's smart, kind, and fun, but she always settles for not that much, when I know she can have a lot more.

 

She grew up in a white trash area, so when she has introduced me to friends in the past, not all, but some have been low life people. They spend money frivolously on alcohol and smoking pot, make rash decisions, and work in fields that are dead ends. They love Kate when she is around and participating in that, but don't care as much for her in her everyday life. Kate just settles for people to party with once in a while. I've seen some of these people call her while she is studying in pajamas, and tell her they are going to party in 10 minutes. She is so desperate to spend "quality time" with these people that she rushes around like a mad woman getting ready to go out with them.

 

She and I have a deeper friendship than that. We cleaned together, cooked together, watched movies, partied, cried on each others shoulders, did homework together, and shared our lives together etc...

 

Even her boyfriends have always been not great. The first one I met came to visit us in college and brought a bag full of weed to sell on our campus. So rude. The second one was only obsessed with his life and his goals. She was obsessed with him. He would pretty much say that if she wanted to spend time with him and his busy schedule that she needed to drive to him, stay at his house, buy her own food to eat while she was there, and be by herself while he worked. It was astonishing. And she kept doing it over and over again. He would call her at 2AM, when he had time to talk and she would be all upset that she had an early morning class, but talk to him anyway because she wanted to. He didn't care.

 

Then she dated someone whom I actually liked. He worked hard. His dad and he took her in to live with them. They took care of her while she had major surgery and recovery. He cared so much about her. Seemed to have a good personality. She claimed that behind closed doors he was bi-polar and clingy, but I never really saw that. She eventually left him. I don't know if she left him because he loved her too much and she wasn't used to it.

 

Her boyfriend now, whom she found on a dating app, seems mature. He treats her well and they live together. Kate lives with all of her boyfriends. She never waits long. Within 6 months they live together. But regardless, he seems nice and all, but he has nothing really going for him. He is a manager of a specialty store in the middle of no where. Kate moved to the middle of no where to be with him. She doesn't even like it there. She is far away from everyone she knows. They keep adopting animals together and then she claims she has no money and can't leave to spend a weekend away with me because of all the animals. She makes rash decisions like adopting a bunch of animals and then complains after when things aren't great. If she thought things through, she would have less issues.

 

Lets just say Kate is this way with friends, relationships, etc...

[anika99]

And I don't think your problem is really with Kate and her friends at all. From reading your other threads it seems you often get really upset when there is a change of plans or when you have to meet and spend time with new people. You have a lot of anxiety around these situations.

 

I'm not judging you for your discomfort and anxiety as I have had deal with my own anxiety my entire life, but I think instead of being honest and taking responsibility for your personal feelings you have an unhealthy tendency to project blame for your discomfort on others. You expect them to feel as you do and to know exactly what it is you expect them to do to make you feel better.

 

Instead of becoming so judgemental of your friends and family every time they do something that you didn't plan you should be honest with them and take ownership of your own feelings. Like I am terribly claustrophobic and I can't be in any situation where I feel trapped and like I can't get away. Everyone knows this about me because I tell people.

 

At the same time I don't ever want to drag down other people or ruin their fun so we always make arrangements where my feelings can be taken into consideration and yet not impose on everyone having a good time. For example if I were going on vacation with friends I may have to sit out for some of the activities because of my anxiety but I would still wholeheartedly encourage my friends to go have fun. For example, if my friends wanted to take a gondola ride, well I wouldn't cope well in a gondola at all. I would feel trapped and I would panic. So I would happily see my friends off, tell them to have fun and I would meet up with them after so they could tell me all about it.

 

Just be honest with people. It's scary to admit our fears to others but it's something I've learned to do and people have always responded with empathy and caring. Tell Kate that you would like to meet her friends but you don't think you can share a hotel room with them because YOU have anxiety around new people. It's about YOU, not about Kate and not about her friends so don't project it onto them.

[amkxoxo]

Thanks for your input. I don’t mean to be judgmental or a bad person. I have a big heart. I do struggle with anxiety. I don’t mind spending time with new people. I don’t have a lot of anxiety about being with new people or talking to them/getting to know them. I don't have social anxiety. I think in this situation its more that I had this whole plan in my head of how I saw this night going. What we would do and how it would be, and I like planning and knowing things. And then when someone starts bringing new people and shaking up the plan, I get intimidated and scared and I tend to get standoffish myself about it, because I cannot predict what new people will do, what will happen, and how it will be. I think I do this a lot. I have this whole image in my mind of what would be the perfect night for everyone, and because I care so much, I put so much thought and time into this image, that I get crushed when something shakes it up.