Meeting ex for first time. Need game plan! [updated]

[Sweetfish]

You've created closure and if another man walks into her life she will experience that relationship. That can take a clear 1-2-3 years to fail if she engages in another relationship. If it fails.

 

That talk was a chapter you closed. Nothing is left for her to think about as she progresses forward.

 

You again prove to her... that she is in control of you.

 

If you tell a woman... Ill do anything you say or I change for you... that is an attraction killer.

 

Is it the end... no... but you killed attraction the minute you dumped her. So telling her you will change or be a better man DOES NOT boost her attraction for her.

 

when you subtract your self out of the equation and she truly feels the LOSS of you.. that is when she will come back and this is the only way she will come back...

 

You can not manipulate her feelings... you cannot tell her to give you another chance... it does not work that way.

 

Sweetfish.

[Purepony]

Sweet fish is right stop messaging her already you even double Texter she's trying to be polite pretty soon she's going to start ignoring you and not talking to you at all because you keep pushing her let it go you already said you'r part and see where it gets you

[Dehg]

I trust the advice fully. Every time I've texted her, I know I'm the back of my mind I shouldn't do it. I just can't shake this one though. I've been through break ups, relationships of the same length, etc, but this one loved so unconditionally when I was taking her for granted and now that I realize what I lost during a day of negative thinking, I'm realizing just how much I want her back.

 

She hasn't texted back, she normally would have by now, so I can only imagine that she has finally been pushed to her breaking point.

 

I feel very anxious about how I plan on moving so soon. Because it is a pretty big move, I can't really go back and forth on it too much. It requires planning, but the reason I want to be there sooner rather than later is to add another example of the things I want to display I am serious. Problem of course is that by the time I do this move, she could be completely moved on. Nobody knows of course, but I guess it seems for now that I completely destroyed my chances by beating the dead horse so many times the last two months.

[EZNona]

I trust the advice fully. Every time I've texted her, I know I'm the back of my mind I shouldn't do it. I just can't shake this one though. I've been through break ups, relationships of the same length, etc, but this one loved so unconditionally when I was taking her for granted and now that I realize what I lost during a day of negative thinking, I'm realizing just how much I want her back.

 

She hasn't texted back, she normally would have by now, so I can only imagine that she has finally been pushed to her breaking point.

 

I feel very anxious about how I plan on moving so soon. Because it is a pretty big move, I can't really go back and forth on it too much. It requires planning, but the reason I want to be there sooner rather than later is to add another example of the things I want to display I am serious. Problem of course is that by the time I do this move, she could be completely moved on. Nobody knows of course, but I guess it seems for now that I completely destroyed my chances by beating the dead horse so many times the last two months.

 

Listen, you messed up being that guy who takes a good woman for granted. Use this as a lesson learned. It's interesting that you keep saying how she loved YOU unconditionally, but I'm not seeing you say the same about her. She loved you despite your flaws, and now that she is gone, you realize how valuable that is in any type of relationship.

 

You remind me a little of my current SO. For many years together he was not mentally ready or emotionally mature and he broke up with me despite me being a dam good woman to him. He knew that I loved him unconditionally, but he couldn't see the complete value in that until he left me. When he returned months later, he came back a different man ready to put in some work to prove his worth to me. There were some shaky moments, but eventually he has turned into a pretty amazing guy!

 

The biggest difference now is that not only can he see how much I love him unconditionally, but he can see how much he loves me unconditionally.

 

I'm not so sure you have progressed to that part yet.

 

You need to leave this alone for now. You made a decision to break up with her and she has made a decision to not get back together. You have made a valiant effort and I think you've done a great job of showing her that you are remorseful and willing to put in the work to be a better man. But it may be a case of too little, too late.

 

She is telling you "no". Whether that "no" lasts forever is to be seen, but you've done enough for now and if you keep pushing her to try to get back together with you, she will begin to see you as an annoyance and this will cause her to back off.

 

Leave her be for now. Give her some time to process her thoughts and feelings. Lay low. You haven't even given the woman any time to see if she misses you.

 

Moving forward, don't initiate texts with her for awhile. If she reaches out, respond in a happy, positive way. Don't talk about the relationship or you and her in any capacity. And exit the conversation swiftly before she does. Your goal is to leave her wanting to know what's going on with you and your life. Create a bit of curiosity.

 

You need to start living as if you two will never get back together. See if she warms up to you in 1-2 months time. If things are exactly the same, then you have your final answer because once a woman has made up her mind about a guy she once loved....it is a FINAL decision.

 

I'm wishing the best for you

[springy]

I trust the advice fully. Every time I've texted her, I know I'm the back of my mind I shouldn't do it. I just can't shake this one though. I've been through break ups, relationships of the same length, etc, but this one loved so unconditionally when I was taking her for granted and now that I realize what I lost during a day of negative thinking, I'm realizing just how much I want her back.

 

She hasn't texted back, she normally would have by now, so I can only imagine that she has finally been pushed to her breaking point.

 

I feel very anxious about how I plan on moving so soon. Because it is a pretty big move, I can't really go back and forth on it too much. It requires planning, but the reason I want to be there sooner rather than later is to add another example of the things I want to display I am serious. Problem of course is that by the time I do this move, she could be completely moved on. Nobody knows of course, but I guess it seems for now that I completely destroyed my chances by beating the dead horse so many times the last two months.

 

I really hope you are not escalating the timeline of your move for her. I think that is a really bad idea, and is not likely to accomplish what you want it to. If you have any doubts put the move on hold. That anxiety may be your intuition screaming hold on a minute! Plan it out thoughtfully and do it for a million other reasons than to be near her, or to 'prove' anything to her. I appears she has already moved on, but you keep 'begging' in a sense for another chance. I'm sorry - but I would not bank on this move scoring you any points.

[Altair0770]

So many long posts...

 

So I'll keep it short.

 

EVERYTIME you have an urge to text her, do something that will prevent you from doing so. Take a walk, give your phone to a friend, turn your phone of, do whatever it takes to not text her.

 

Everytime you do, regardless of her response, you give her power. As much as I hate the BS of playing games, unfortunately breakups and reconciliation are a game. It's a passing of power. You need to focus on yourself. As difficult as it is, remember that pouring your heart out is going to throw you back to square one and she will, sub-conciously, consider you an option but have free reign with no consequences because she knows she has the power.

 

Regain your manhood. Don't let her control you.

[Dehg]

Well it has been a few days and I certainly have regained much more of my cool than I had previously. My relocation situation is looking positive and has some real direction that isn't so much based on her. Looks like I'll be able to advance my career and get paid more while cost of living will be less. Yay.

 

Of course I wouldn't be posting again if I didn't have another update...so here it goes. I didn't contact her for 3 days or so, and then I cracked. I cracked because of this move being just over a month away and I made an excuse for myself that I needed better answers before I moved -_-. So I will paraphrase a bit so this isn't an essay.

 

So I reached out and said, I know I have been fighting for you a lot these last couple of months, and I understand you aren't the one who is obligated to help me reason. I am at a understanding now that I have been disrespectful of your space by trying to get answers you cannot give. Whether it be somebody else, your need for space, you have lost feelings, whatever. Do you really ever foresee us working out? I care about you very much and have been working to genuinely fix the insensitive person I have been. I do not want to be a nuisance to you anymore.

 

She replies after about 15 minutes with, I can't see us working out right now, no. No idea what the future brings. Happy right now working on myself. Don't have the energy to work on and fix a relationship. I keep telling you this and know it isn't what you want to hear. Nobody else is involved. Just enjoying being alone. Moving so far made me learn how to be on my own and that's okay for me right now. I don't see us being together. At least not where I am right now. I know you care about me and I care about you too and always will, but right now being alone makes me happy.

 

 

So I replied back with saying, I understand and I agree that we both do need time to cool off from what happened. I'm happy we both are able to take what happened and change things for ourselves to be happy.

 

From there I explained how my reasoning for ending things was totally inspired from stress and opinions of others and how much I would change things I did if we were able to mend things. I told her that I am very happy how all of this inspired me to pursue my faith more. Then I thanked her for explaining how she felt.

 

She replied a final time with, I really don't want to stop talking and being friends. I care about you so much and will always be here for you. I want what is best for both of us. Continue pursuing god first.

 

That was it. Seems like she is on both sides of the fence and I just don't really know what else there is for me to do at this point. Maybe somebody else will interpret this another way.

[springy]

She is not on both sides of the fence; she is telling you as gently as possible that she is not interested in reconciling. But, you keep pushing the issue. If you move, make sure it is not to be with her, because it (relationship) is clearly not what she wants. On one hand you say that you aren't doing it for her, but then turn around and say "I made an excuse for myself that I needed better answers before I moved". Why? If your move isn't about her why do you need "better answers" from her? I think you are lying to yourself. Yes, you wanted to move there before but now it has become all consuming and urgent.

 

There are no more moves for you to make except to bow out gracefully. You tried. I'm sorry, but the sooner you accept this the better it is for you. There is no mixed message in that text. "for now" "right now" "who knows in the future..." do not interpret that to mean anything. These phrases are stated frequently when people are being pressed for answers, and are trying to be gentle. It's like they don't want to deal a full final blow so they insert those phrases into the answer so the dumpee (seems that's what you have turned into) doesn't feel entirely hopeless.

 

The truth is, no one knows what will happen in the future - should people say that in this context? Probably not, because it gives the pursuer 'false hope' because they interpret it as a possibility of coming back together. Focus on what she said - that she is not interested in being in a relationship and leave it at that.

 

You keep asking, and she is trying to be nice and I don't doubt that she does care about you. The let's be friends thing is also very common. I would advise against it, for a very, very long time - until you are fully over her. Otherwise you really do open the door to mixed message land with more opportunities for you to analyze every single thing she says or does and try to hold on to that as hope that she will one day want to be with you again.

 

Really, I am sorry for your pain but you should drop this now and make moves for your future entirely without her in mind. Maybe staying put for awhile will be in your best interest.

Edited March 27, 2017 by springy

[Dehg]

You're completely right. Im in a strange place right now where I fully get your logic, but my emotions just won't let it fully sink in. I have a problem, and that problem is I don't know how to give up. All my life I have been that way. I always have a need to do everything I can to ensure I have completely explored all avenues to a solution. In this case it is pretty extreme...moving over 1000 miles to a new place to attempt being able to restart this thing. You're spot on that it has become consuming and feels urgent. It is all I think about.

 

But I am very much the "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." thinker. This is a tremendously risky shot to take. To say it is even a 50/50 is lying to myself. I see what you're saying that she is just trying to be gentle. I know asking her more questions will do nothing at this point. So I'm really hoping I hear from her in some shape or form in the next couple of weeks before I move based on these feelings.

[BC1980]

You're completely right. Im in a strange place right now where I fully get your logic, but my emotions just won't let it fully sink in. I have a problem, and that problem is I don't know how to give up. All my life I have been that way. I always have a need to do everything I can to ensure I have completely explored all avenues to a solution. In this case it is pretty extreme...moving over 1000 miles to a new place to attempt being able to restart this thing. You're spot on that it has become consuming and feels urgent. It is all I think about.

 

But I am very much the "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." thinker. This is a tremendously risky shot to take. To say it is even a 50/50 is lying to myself. I see what you're saying that she is just trying to be gentle. I know asking her more questions will do nothing at this point. So I'm really hoping I hear from her in some shape or form in the next couple of weeks before I move based on these feelings.

 

You have to know when to stop pursuing though. That is also a very important lesson to learn. There is nothing positive about going down a dead end street. And I do understand that you don't accept it on an emotional level. We tend to project how we feel into others because it's our only frame of reference. You have to go with the facts here, not how you feel.

 

Going NC forces you to accept it's over in time. The people that are still hanging on after years are the ones who stayed in touch and wouldn't accept it was over.

[Dehg]

Nothing left for me to do then. I see where you're all going. No amount of texts to her is going to change how she feels. Guess I can chalk it up to learning the hard way. With that said, based on what she has said, I do still have hope. I don't think that will die off until I hear from her, or find out she is with somebody else.

 

Sad part about that is that I stay open to feeling like this all over again. And as far as me moving. I have no idea how that's will cause me to think. It's not looking very optimistic. Is it even worth trying NC for a bit and trying to talk to her again? Abandoning all hope at this point just isn't anymore of a healthy alternative in my mind.

[jamili]

Nothing left for me to do then. I see where you're all going. No amount of texts to her is going to change how she feels. Guess I can chalk it up to learning the hard way. With that said, based on what she has said, I do still have hope. I don't think that will die off until I hear from her, or find out she is with somebody else.

 

Sad part about that is that I stay open to feeling like this all over again. And as far as me moving. I have no idea how that's will cause me to think. It's not looking very optimistic. Is it even worth trying NC for a bit and trying to talk to her again? Abandoning all hope at this point just isn't anymore of a healthy alternative in my mind.

 

You dont want her to contact you. Breadcrumbs do nothing but further confuse you, trust me. If she contacts you, if you want her back, you will just have to ignore her anyways... so it isnt much different on your end either way.

[Dehg]

Against some advice and judgement, I decided to plan my move to the city I have wanted to go to for a while..and of course ironically..where my ex is. The good news to take away from that is that the job is awesome. Next step up my career ladder, and pays 15k more a year. Pretty excited for it.

 

It feels like it has been much longer than a month and a half since I last posted. I reread my thread and I'm not super proud to see that I'm falling backwards a bit.

 

Since I last posted, there were stints of NC. A week here, two weeks there..I wish I could say more. The most recent communication we have had was me reacting to what I thought was her blocking me on social media. Turns out she got rid of it because she needed a break from it while she deals with something and she needed me to stop talking to her. Did for a while and she texted a week later after finding out I was leaving my job and she asked about where in the new city I would live in. After that she told me about her promotion. We had a very meaningless couple of exchanges and that was that. A few days later I ****ing slipped and asked if I'm trying the impossible by wanting to fix what ended us. She said that is up to god now. I didn't engage after that. There was also a talk about not worrying about it unless we were in the same city, as there was no point otherwise..that was weeks prior however.

 

So anxiety about my move is hitting me hard. I know the move is going to be an awesome and exciting change for me...but I would be lying if I said she didn't inspire me to do it sooner. She has huge pride and has great social game. I know it will have to be my move to still attempt reconciling. All I can think of right now is that had we not broken up...I wouldn't have found this awesome opportunity, seriously attempted to route my military obligations to accommodate the move, and never would've pursued my faith like I still am. Those would basically be my "actions" to prove my desire to fix things.

 

So anyway...this time next week I will be out there. I know my chances are pretty dismal, but I still want to explore the chance. I guess I could start super slowly by inviting her to see the dog we adopted together? Eh, idk. Thoughts?

[dumbass2]

Congrats and now focus on your new job, not her. She's given you absolutely no positive signs that she wants back but yet you keep chasing and don't know when enough is enough. It's enough. Time to move forward with positive changes and stop wanting to go backwards.