How to deal with mutual acquaintances post-affair

[FoundMyStrength]

So my EA ended 6 months ago, with 4 solid months of NC at this point. I met xMM on a few months-long residential work assignment. Problem is, we've both stayed fairly close with one of our mutual co-workers from this assignment. I text with this person daily, and I'm pretty sure from offhand comments that our co-worker texts him regularly too. This is a female co-worker; however, she's a lesbian with no interest in men, so I have no suspicions there is a second affair going on.

 

However, this co-worker is getting increasingly nosy/suspicious as to why I'm no longer in contact with xMM. I've tried to keep my answers low-key, saying things like "No, not really" when she asks if we're still in touch. But I think she noticed how close he and I got -- as friends -- over the summer, and I think she truly is having trouble understanding why we don't talk at all. I don't want to outright lie to her, as we've become very close friends, but I also don't want to cause any more harm by having a former co-worker find out about the affair. (The organization doesn't seem to have found out, and he has not told his wife).

 

Suggestions on how to fend off nosy questions without outright lying?

[Telemachus]

Use this in every situation when someone is being nosy: "Oh, enough about me, let's talk about you." Use those exact words. Then, ask her about something specific in her life, in order to change the subject. People love to talk about themselves.

 

It's the best way to change the subject. If she persists, ask her about something else in her life. Repeat as often as necessary. You're guaranteed to win this one, every time.

[BaileyB]

Tell her that you'd rather talk about work and redirect her back to task.

[Joie]

"Just haven't talked to him in awhile"

 

I think you are reading more into this than necessary. She is probably just make conversation.

[NTV]

Are you married?

[DKT3]

I'm guessing she already knows and is only looking to confirm her suspicions​. I guessing the two stories don't line up.

 

As others suggest, you simply don't have to answer, redirect or just say we have nothing to talk about now that the job is done.

[deadsoul]

This has been a tough one for me. For now, I've had to avoid all mutual acquaintances. It sucks, but I caused all this. Some people have found out, but really, it's not anyone's business so I would just change the subject if you get into that situation again.

[FoundMyStrength]

I'm guessing she already knows and is only looking to confirm her suspicions​. I guessing the two stories don't line up.

 

As others suggest, you simply don't have to answer, redirect or just say we have nothing to talk about now that the job is done.

 

Thanks to all who've responded. Yep, I think you're right, DKT3. I think she has put some puzzle pieces together, and wants confirmation.

 

There have been some things I've done that I'm guessing have set bells off, like applying to an identical summer position at Organization B instead of our former Organization A, even though it would obviously be easier to get a position at a place I've already worked at. And not asking xMM for a reference, even though he's the obvious person who would give me one.

 

I wonder about the mixed messages too. My responses have been in the "just drifted apart", nothing to see here vein. But I wonder what he's told her. Affairs never go away, do they? It's just been a never-ending string of lies. That alone would prevent me from ever being stupid enough to do it again. One day, many years from now, I'd like to feel like I have some integrity again.

Edited March 11, 2017 by FoundMyStrength
typo

[DKT3]

Thanks to all who've responded. Yep, I think you're right, DKT3. I think she has put some puzzle pieces together, and wants confirmation.

 

There have been some things I've done that I'm guessing have set bells off, like applying to an identical summer position at Organization B instead of our former Organization A, even though it would obviously be easier to get a position at a place I've already worked at. And not asking xMM for a reference, even though he's the obvious person who would give me one.

 

I wonder about the mixed messages too. My responses have been in the "just drifted apart", nothing to see here vein. But I wonder what he's told her. Affairs never go away, do they? It's just been a never-ending string of lies. That alone would prevent me from ever being stupid enough to do it again. One day, many years from now, I'd like to feel like I have some integrity again.

There is a second option, owning it be honest then move on. Sure it sucks, sure it's not her business, sure it will have tongues wagging. But you get hit all at once then it's over

[whichwayisup]

Either she is very nosy and wants to know information or she knows for sure and wants you to confirm the affair. Either way it's none of her business. If she asks again put her on the spot and ask why she's so interested in your personal life.

[FoundMyStrength]

Either she is very nosy and wants to know information or she knows for sure and wants you to confirm the affair. Either way it's none of her business. If she asks again put her on the spot and ask why she's so interested in your personal life.

 

This time, I used the ignore her text until she starts a new topic technique, which worked well. But I'll try others' suggestions for deflection, changing the topic, turning it back to talking about her, etc.

 

She is getting more direct, though, so eventually I may need to use this tactic of just saying, sorry, it's not really something I want to talk about.

[freengreen]

A straigh forward " sorry I dont feel like talking about it right now'.. should do?. It is not going to work , side tracking ,because this lady has already got a clue that there is something to all of it. So, just refuse to talk about it.

 

It should give her the meaning of- yes there was something going on but I aint telling you, sorry.

[FoundMyStrength]

A straigh forward " sorry I dont feel like talking about it right now'.. should do?. It is not going to work , side tracking ,because this lady has already got a clue that there is something to all of it. So, just refuse to talk about it.

 

It should give her the meaning of- yes there was something going on but I aint telling you, sorry.

 

Yep, this might be where I need to go with it. I've been able to manage the situation to where we don't talk about him (she doesn't pass me any info about his life, etc., thank god), but this part has been frustrating. She's one of those persistent people, so I'm guessing she'll need a more direct approach like this.

[drypuddle]

This has happened to me a few times in the last couple of months... "why don't you talk to X anymore?"

 

My response is always aloof and nonchalant "oh I don't know, I've been busy"

 

Like you, I have one person who is very persistent...

 

"You guys used to be best buds! You should talk to him."

 

Umm... aloofly "yeah, maybe I will later..." and then change the subject. Eventually they'll lose interest.

[SoleMate]

Just keep your answers lowkey, vague and non-committal and eventually she'll get tired of the same questions.

 

Or if she's really persistent, and on the 30th or 40th round, then push back: "Seriously, why do you keep asking me that? I've said 'I don't know' a bunch of times - is there some kind of backstory as to why you are harping on this? What will it take to put this to bed? If you want to know how <X> is doing, call him yourself! Don't ask me this again. Sheesh!"