Should i ask her out?

[Protec]

I need some opinion here.

 

I've been in this new job for a while (retail sales) and i have a nice looking woman there working with me. I've been talking to her at work and even gave my number "Hey go listen my track from spotify and tell me if you like it". She never did. And we have talked about stuff at job. And once she even asked me "so what are you planning to do this weekend?" maybe it was nothing, maybe she tried to fish out if i am seeing anyone else etc?

 

Anyway, week ago we were out having fun with the job staff. While waiting outside restaurant, we all were standing there waiting and she was cold. I said "Well, my hands are very warm, try them". And she tried. She held my hands for couple minutes "oh, how can someone be so warm! This is amazing!" After eating in reastaurant with the job friends we moved on to a nightclub. I did not talk with her much that evening, since i am more of the silent type when there are lots of people around and we ended up on dance floor and at one point and after dancing close to her for a moment (30min etc) then i decided to put my arms on her hips and moved her "with the music". She didn't look annoyed, only surprised, and smiled.

 

And now i have been sending her few whatsapp messages now and then.

Like few days ago i just sent "how was your sauna?" She sent me a quite long text and even picture of her cookings. Then other day i asked her if my messages bother her (i try to be polite...i am bad at reading certain people) and i casually told her was about to go movies but i was too tired to go.

and she replies that my messages don't bother her and she joked about how it is bad idea to go sleep in the movies and even continued that she would like to go movies too some day that as usually she is home drinking red wine and watches movies.

 

So was that "i would like to go movies too, usually i just sit at home drink a glass of red wine" a hint to ask her out?

 

So now:

She has talked with me casually, she has even started conversations

She has no issues touching me, holding hand, dancing close to me, letting me touch her hips. She even let me put my jacket on her when she was cold outside.

She replies to my whatsapp messages with usually as long messages i have written her, and she keeps conversation going, she usually adds something instead of just replying what i have asked / sayed (i think that is GOOD!)

 

So. Should i ask her to the movies? It's a relative small workplace where i am now. Only 12 people. So i am just afraid if things go sour, i am afraid everyone knows.

 

I am really interested in this woman. There is something "strange" in her. She is beautiful as hell, but that is not it. There is something in her eyes, somekind of strange aura she is emitting. I mean there are other beautiful women in my workplace too, but they don't emit same kind of energy....

[enddeck]

You are really crushing badly on this woman and to be honest it's hard to know whether she feels anything other than friendship for you.Instead of asking her out on a date as such,why don't you casually ask her would she Like to see a movie with you and if she agrees then take it from there.If she tells you she has a partner or just says no then at least you know where you stand and can move on.

[Protec]

You are really crushing badly on this woman and to be honest it's hard to know whether she feels anything other than friendship for you.Instead of asking her out on a date as such,why don't you casually ask her would she Like to see a movie with you and if she agrees then take it from there.If she tells you she has a partner or just says no then at least you know where you stand and can move on.

 

Yes i had an idea of just casually asking her "Well, in that case, when you have some free time, join me and lets go watch a movie together".

 

HEre in Finland we don't really have a date culture like in USA. So usually our date here is going to movies etc. maybe a dinner before/after movie.

 

I do have a small crush on her, i admit. My life will not end if she says no.

 

So i will ask her out today. I will send the message at evening. I've been sendin her one message per day. I really don't have much to say. I rather discuss face to face than over whatsapp etc.

[Purepony]

Yup I'd say maybe just ask her to the movies but don't make it seem like a date

 

I think you have a fair chance it sounds like your doing good so far

[carhill]

1. Is it healthy to date someone you're working with? Work your answer to that out in advance. She'll have her own answer, regardless of how she might feel about you.

 

2. Don't back into dates. She's interacted with you and has already made a decision about who you are to her. It's up to you to find out. Do that. The longer you linger on, the more reasons she'll find to not date you, mainly because you're not asking her on a date, presuming she has an inkling of attraction to you.

 

3. Is she single? Probably doesn't matter these days but that's an old tape from my past where apparently single women turned out to be married and, yup, didn't mind dating at all. If it matters to you, and she agrees to a date, look into that. Yes, I know your post about her made her sound single but I know a few MW's right now who could come off that way simply due to husbands who work odd hours where they're often home alone at night and, if I didn't know better, I'd think, hmm, single and mingle? Heh.

 

Here's a tip: When she asked you what you were planning for the weekend, that's when you go for the date. 'Well, actually there's this wonderful lady I know I was going to ask out'. Then watch her reaction and go from there. Those are great flirting opportunities. If the chemistry is there, some banter will ensue and you'll find yourself on a date with her on the weekend. If not, no worries, smile and move on. Don't waste time on dry holes. Accept whatever the results are and get back to working together on the job if that's the gig.

[Protec]

I think my best bet now is just to play it brave. Say what i have in mind and that's it. I know women don't like a man who goes in circles like a snake.

 

Carhill, yeah i kinda missed the oppotunity. She asked what i was doing that weekend (it was weeks ago). I just said "Nothing special". I think she is single.

 

I am going to regret more if i don't ask her to movies. I don't mind rejection, if she says no, then she says no. I am bit rusty in dating / getting known to.

 

But every time i have talked with her, i have learned more about her and she has learned more about me.

 

One evening i texted her and asked her to recommend me a good movie to watch (a sneaky way to find out what she likes), and to my surprise she answered and asked "what kind of movies you like? I have to suggest a good one to you :)"

 

I have learned in my years that if a person wants to talk with you, they will. If they want to touch you, they will. So far she has talked with me, and even touched me at her own will. That is very good sign.

 

I don't know how she feels towards me, maybe she thinks me just as a friend. But that is my thing to find out

 

But if she is not completely clueless, she should know i am interested in her. I originially got her phone number from our workplaces WhatsApp Group Yes...bit stalkish but i don't want to ask her number at work. Too many people around there.

 

Wish me luck.

[GemmaUK]

I don't think she is interested in you in that way.

 

I think she sees you just as a workmate - asking what you are planning for the weekend is perfectly usually workmate behaviour.

 

Her text wasn't flirty at al either.

A look of surprise when you danced with her was just that - utter surprise. Her look would have been a lot different had she been interested.

 

I think she is just being friendly is all.

I wouldn't ask her out if I were you - just realise it's a workplace friendship and she is being nice to you as you have been in touch with her a lot from the sound of what you are saying. She is being polite.

If she had been interested she would have texted you right back about that piece of music.

As it is you are contacting her more so she is responding out of politeness.

[Protec]

I don't think she is interested in you in that way.

 

I think she sees you just as a workmate - asking what you are planning for the weekend is perfectly usually workmate behaviour.

 

Her text wasn't flirty at al either.

A look of surprise when you danced with her was just that - utter surprise. Her look would have been a lot different had she been interested.

 

I think she is just being friendly is all.

I wouldn't ask her out if I were you - just realise it's a workplace friendship and she is being nice to you as you have been in touch with her a lot from the sound of what you are saying. She is being polite.

If she had been interested she would have texted you right back about that piece of music.

As it is you are contacting her more so she is responding out of politeness.

 

Yesterday at work she came at me and said "Hey J, what's up :)" I know there is the risk that she is just being friendly, but how the hell am i supposed to know? She is actually the only person who comes at me and talks with me....

 

I am still going to suggest her "if you are free someday then join me and let's go watch a movie" That's how i know.

 

I have missed so many opportunities in my life by backing off = being too afraid to ask. I need to do this. IF she says no, then it's cool.

[GemmaUK]

Yesterday at work she came at me and said "Hey J, what's up :)" I know there is the risk that she is just being friendly, but how the hell am i supposed to know? She is actually the only person who comes at me and talks with me....

 

I am still going to suggest her "if you are free someday then join me and let's go watch a movie" That's how i know.

 

I have missed so many opportunities in my life by backing off = being too afraid to ask. I need to do this. IF she says no, then it's cool.

 

Yeah, I say the same things to my boss and lots of other folk I am not romantically interested in at work or in my friends group male and female alike.

 

You have nothing to lose as you are not expecting anything as you say all is good if she turns you down so go for it!

[carhill]

If you do anything, be specific.

 

Also, practice witty and flirtatious comebacks for questions like the most recent one. Even if nothing comes of this one, you have them stored for future opportunities with others.

[Protec]

If you do anything, be specific.

 

Also, practice witty and flirtatious comebacks for questions like the most recent one. Even if nothing comes of this one, you have them stored for future opportunities with others.

 

I mean i think she should expect i am interested in her as i gave her my number... and put my arms on her hips when we danced. She also complimented my dancing...

 

I don't know. I am very bad at reading people. Since my ex fooled me completely, i am now overanalyzing everything...

[carhill]

As long as you're good at analyzing yes and no, you'll do great at dating. It's a volunteer sport. Yes means in, no means out. Don't complicate simple things. Keep them simple.

[Protec]

As long as you're good at analyzing yes and no, you'll do great at dating. It's a volunteer sport. Yes means in, no means out. Don't complicate simple things. Keep them simple.

 

Yes, I guess you are right. I make simple things too complicated. But this one is a card i just HAVE TO look. I will regret forever if i don't do this. I have never asked anyone out from real life. I have always met people trough dating sites etc. so it has been little different.

[carhill]

OK, you've made a decision. Get to it. As my father used to say, the only failure is in not trying.

[Protec]

OK, you've made a decision. Get to it. As my father used to say, the only failure is in not trying.

 

Well said.

 

I sent her message and i wrote it bit wrong. What i meant was to say to her "when you have schedule free i will grab you to movies with me" and "i like to watch movies at home too usually"

 

What i said "when you have free time in your schedule i will grab you to movies with me and having some red wine and wathing movies is nice too"

 

God damnit. I am not going to work at monday. She did not even reply to me...oh well. Live and learn. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[preraph]

I do think she is open to going out. I just think you have to assess yourself and ask yourself if you are mature and controlled enough to handle it if you go on dates and one or the other of you decides it's not going to work out and then you have to keep working with her while she's dating someone else.

[Protec]

Crap. She did not answer.

[normal person]

Next time I would suggest using context clues to determine if she likes you or not before trying to ask her blindly.

 

I've been in this new job for a while (retail sales) and i have a nice looking woman there working with me. I've been talking to her at work and even gave my number "Hey go listen my track from spotify and tell me if you like it". She never did.

 

This would be where I would've realized she wasn't interested. Think about it if the roles were reversed: if you liked a girl, and she sent you her track for you to listen to, would you totally ignore it? Unlikely, you'd probably revel in it and use it as an excuse to form a deeper bond with her. But she didn't do that, therefore, the logical conclusion should've been that she wasn't interested.

 

 

I did not talk with her much that evening, since i am more of the silent type when there are lots of people around and we ended up on dance floor and at one point and after dancing close to her for a moment (30min etc) then i decided to put my arms on her hips and moved her "with the music". She didn't look annoyed, only surprised, and smiled.

 

If you thought she was enjoying herself that much, to the point where she liked you and thought of her as a potential partner, you could've created a bit of sexual tension (a low to mid pressure compliment, make strong eye contact with her, look at her lips) and see how she responded. If she looked like she was responsive, that's a good sign. If she turns away or makes an excuse to get away from you, you have your answer there too.

 

And now i have been sending her few whatsapp messages now and then.

Like few days ago i just sent "how was your sauna?" She sent me a quite long text and even picture of her cookings.

 

Did she ever message you first, or was it completely one sided? If she doesn't message you first at about the same rate that you do to her, that should've been a clue that she doesn't like you that much.

 

Then other day i asked her if my messages bother her (i try to be polite...i am bad at reading certain people)

 

In the future, don't ever do this. It makes you appear unsure and not confident. You wouldn't even have to ask if she messaged you first with the same frequency, because you'd know she wasn't annoyed.

 

Next time what you should do is send her a few messages, and if she doesn't initiate a few back within a reasonable amount of time, realize that there's a reason she's not doing that. If she wanted to talk to you, she easily could. But she isn't. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you have to ask someone if your messages annoy them, you've already lost. Stop messaging them and see what, if anything, they do about it.

 

 

So was that "i would like to go movies too, usually i just sit at home drink a glass of red wine" a hint to ask her out?

 

Doubtful.

 

So now:

She has talked with me casually, she has even started conversations

She has no issues touching me, holding hand, dancing close to me, letting me touch her hips. She even let me put my jacket on her when she was cold outside.

She replies to my whatsapp messages with usually as long messages i have written her, and she keeps conversation going, she usually adds something instead of just replying what i have asked / sayed (i think that is GOOD!)

 

Yeah, it's good that she's not ignoring you. But keep in mind that you do work together so it'd be rude for not to respond. All you know is that she responds to you, but at this point I'd be hesitant to say "therefore, she likes me and I should ask her out."

 

So. Should i ask her to the movies? It's a relative small workplace where i am now. Only 12 people. So i am just afraid if things go sour, i am afraid everyone knows.

 

I would wait for more of a confirmation that she likes you before taking this gamble.

 

I respect and appreciate you taking the initiative in this situation. Hopefully next time you can learn from it. I would say you displayed a lot of "wishful thinking" and it may have lead you to conclusions that weren't necessarily right. Just because she doesn't immediately turn away when you dance with her doesn't mean she likes you. Just because she responds to your message doesn't mean she likes you. Just because she asks what you're doing this weekend doesn't mean she's trying to figure out if you have a girlfriend, or trying to drink wine with you. You'll know when she likes you when she's the one messaging you a lot first, giving you strong signals, making excuses to be with you or near you, etc.

 

That being said, I hope she does respond for you because I like how you took the chance, at least. Best of luck of going forward!

[Protec]

She read my message, did not respond. I did not say "i want to ask you out".

 

I just casually wrote "Well, next time you have free time, maybe i grab you into movies with me". As she was complaing not being in movies in a long time.

 

That's it. I think i kept it playful enough and not too serious. Since i am just interested in her, not head over heels.

 

And when i think about our conversations, she has always initiated contact with me at the workplace. "Hey J, what are you thinking? / what's up etc" I don't like to talk much about personal stuff at work.

 

1) I don't want any colleagues to eavesdrop on me, my business is my business

2) Lots of customers around, again, number 1 applies here too

 

I don't think i did anything wrong. I am a heterosexual, single male. Actually i wanted to ask her out at the very moment i saw her the first time.

 

She was my parther in the job interview and i thought we had quite nice chemistry there too. She always kept eyecontact when talking with me. And even now at job she usually looks at me and smiles.

 

I don't know. She did not answer. I don't know what i should do now? Maybe i just "forget" that i ever asked her and just play like nothing happened. I know the biggest mistake would be to ask "so did you get my message?"

 

She got it. And read it. Just did not answer it.

 

I have never done anything like this before. And honestly i am proud of myself for being able to pull something like this off. Usually i have been too nervous.

 

I am bit dissapointed of course, but i understand. Not many people want to mess with people from their workplace, and she has 2 kids, she is pretty so she probably has some options available others than me.

 

But hey, at least now i know Now i can close that book instead of thinking "what if...what if...maybe if...oh i would like to ask her out but i am too afraid"

 

Awesome. Thanks for help! And feel free to give me suggestions how to handle it now that she did not answer...

[GemmaUK]

Next time you see her at work you behave just the normal way you behave, just be normal and pleasant like you would be with any other colleague.

 

It's possible she might say something to you - take it with grace and like a gentleman.

 

Time to move on from this crush though!

[Protec]

Next time you see her at work you behave just the normal way you behave, just be normal and pleasant like you would be with any other colleague.

 

It's possible she might say something to you - take it with grace and like a gentleman.

 

Time to move on from this crush though!

 

Yes. That is what i have to do I just wished i could have got at least a single date with her... it would have really boosted my spritits.

[normal person]

She was my parther in the job interview and i thought we had quite nice chemistry there too. She always kept eyecontact when talking with me. And even now at job she usually looks at me and smiles.

 

Again, I think you have wishful thinking. You're taking rather small, forgettable things and aggrandizing them in your head, thinking they're a lot more than they are. Do you make eye contact with other people? Do you smile at them? Does that mean you're interested in them? Think about it.

 

Awesome. Thanks for help! And feel free to give me suggestions how to handle it now that she did not answer...

 

Forget about her, find someone else, and casually mention the other girl when given an opportunity.

[GemmaUK]

I agree with NP - but also, you need to think about aftermath when you decide to ask someone out - in this case you work with her so yep - it'll feel awkward that she didn't reply. She may say something to you, she may be totally as normal - friendly with you or she may choose to not speak to you at all.

 

You need to be equipped enough to step up and take full responsibility for that.

It's a consequence of asking someone out when you see them often.

[Protec]

I agree with NP - but also, you need to think about aftermath when you decide to ask someone out - in this case you work with her so yep - it'll feel awkward that she didn't reply. She may say something to you, she may be totally as normal - friendly with you or she may choose to not speak to you at all.

 

You need to be equipped enough to step up and take full responsibility for that.

It's a consequence of asking someone out when you see them often.

 

I'm an adult. I think i can handle it

[Protec]

Yeah, She was quite awkward today at work. I said to her "Hey, about the message. It kinda came out wrong but it was just "as friends" question".

 

She replied something "Oh don't worry about it. You worry way too much It's fine. I am really busy with my kids so..."