Bs90 Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Females- say your partner started working later and later each night. Starting at 7am and finishing at almost 11pm. A casual position. An in between job. Say he rejects you 80% of the time you want to have sex. And when you have said sex, it is just him putting it in dry and going for less than 2 minutes then falling asleep. Say you check out his Instagram feed and there is just massive amounts of bikini models half his age. All of them with identical bodies, that are the opposite of your own. Say you ask him casually "when was the last time you had sex? And his reply being "with you?" Say a beautiful catfish tried adding him on facebook and he only admits it many days later and only when he clued in it was a catfish* (this catfish was not you). Say he convinces you that all of these things are crazy, that he has a reason for all of these confidence crushing things that add up. Say he gets angry at you when you call him out on it and twists the conversation to make you look and feel insecure. Would you suspect an affair? Or would you think that you are going crazy? Link to post Share on other sites
newheart Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 I would think affair or not - why would you settle or be happy in a relationship with a person like who has no time for you and consistently rejects you? Regardless of whether he is getting some on the side, this wouldn't work for me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
chix Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 1 of my red flags is a man who cares about social media. I wouldn't be with someone who is devoting precious time to such activities, especially a busy man. My man works 7 days a week, and long hours. He does a physically demanding job, and is often exhausted. We make time for intimacy, because it's important to us as a couple. Neither of us uses social media, and we don't look at phones when we're together. Your situation sounds stressful. Would that be a fair way to describe the situation? How old is everyone involved? How long have you been together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bs90 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 1 of my red flags is a man who cares about social media. I wouldn't be with someone who is devoting precious time to such activities, especially a busy man. My man works 7 days a week, and long hours. He does a physically demanding job, and is often exhausted. We make time for intimacy, because it's important to us as a couple. Neither of us uses social media, and we don't look at phones when we're together. Your situation sounds stressful. Would that be a fair way to describe the situation? How old is everyone involved? How long have you been together? Thanks, it is super stressful especially on my confidence. We are early 30s, been together over a decade with a child. I agree with you about social media but i was made.to feel crazy when I got upset about the bikini models. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 I don't think it is the bikini models you need to worry about here... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bs90 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 I don't think it is the bikini models you need to worry about here... Yes that was just me being insecure. But he doesn't instigate sex with me, like ever, so it's not that he has a low sex drive, I'm assuming its because he finds me unattractive. I am no bikini model unfortunately Link to post Share on other sites
chix Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Would you be willing to make a list for us, of the good and bad things of being in this relationship? Might help us to advise you better, and help you to focus you on the health of the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bs90 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 Would you be willing to make a list for us, of the good and bad things of being in this relationship? Might help us to advise you better, and help you to focus you on the health of the relationship. Sure. Here are rhe pros: I am comfortable with him He is sometimes thoughtful towards me A good father to our child Been together a long time Can laugh so hard together. Cons: Has lied many tmes in the past about money for his own financial gain Doesnt consider me until i point out how inconsiderate he is being Work hours getting ridiculous. Is it normal for a casual worker to do 15 hour days? Refuses to discuss issues that I bring up if they make him uncomfortable I know this is a short random list and theres alot more to it Link to post Share on other sites
chix Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Thank you for doing that. Work hours aren't significant to me. My man works long hours because he has to, and that's how life is for a lot of people. The items on your negative list seem all like dealbreakers. If those aren't red flags to you, what would be red flags? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Sounds like a horrible r/s. (BTW, I've been in really bad r/s but none were anything like this bad.) Assuming you've given a fair account, I'd recommend you call it quits ASAP. Live alone a while and then go look for a man who will treat you with love and respect and also take care of matters properly in the bedroom, because THIS..... Say he rejects you 80% of the time you want to have sex. And when you have said sex, it is just him putting it in dry and going for less than 2 minutes then falling asleep. is well below today's standard. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bs90 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 Thank you for doing that. Work hours aren't significant to me. My man works long hours because he has to, and that's how life is for a lot of people. The items on your negative list seem all like dealbreakers. If those aren't red flags to you, what would be red flags? I definitely see them as red flags but i have zero confidence and would likely fall into a massive depression breaking up our family. But I'm so unhappy. I want to leave but will i fear nobody could love me- for me it takes many years to know and trust someone. Oh I'm being pathetic when it comes to taking action. Its very much based on fear Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bs90 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 Sounds like a horrible r/s. (BTW, I've been in really bad r/s but none were anything like this bad.) Assuming you've given a fair account, I'd recommend you call it quits ASAP. Live alone a while and then go look for a man who will treat you with love and respect and also take care of matters properly in the bedroom, because THIS..... is well below today's standard. I agree so much. It makes me feel ugly and un lovable but it would take me a lot of overcoming that fear to live alone. I'm an emotional wreck at the moment Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 My feeling is that those long work hours are not real. Do you have evidence that he is actually at work for those long hours? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Working 7am - 11pm?! I think he is likely working until 5 and then going out after. If he has no interest in sex he is either no longer attracted to you or is getting his needs met elsewhere. It doesn't look promising either way. Next time he comes in from one of his '16 hour shifts', see if smells of perfume? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bs90 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 My feeling is that those long work hours are not real. Do you have evidence that he is actually at work for those long hours? This is the problem. His usual work hours were aroubd 8am until 7.30-8pm and have only increased in the past month or so. No i dont have any idea if he's really at work, or even where he is on his days off. He spends the majority of the time outside wherever while i am more of a homebody, i would love it if he suggested things for us to do without me prompting him. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 This is the problem. His usual work hours were aroubd 8am until 7.30-8pm and have only increased in the past month or so. No i dont have any idea if he's really at work, or even where he is on his days off. He spends the majority of the time outside wherever while i am more of a homebody, i would love it if he suggested things for us to do without me prompting him. OK I guess he is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
chix Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Bs, not that you have to tell us why your confidence is so low, but have you ever got to the bottom of it? Do you know why you stay, in the face of dysfunction? Again, no need to tell us anything too personal, unless you want to, but it seems like nothing he does results in you walking away. I think that's a problem you need to solve. Sorry you are going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bs90 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 Working 7am - 11pm?! I think he is likely working until 5 and then going out after. If he has no interest in sex he is either no longer attracted to you or is getting his needs met elsewhere. It doesn't look promising either way. Next time he comes in from one of his '16 hour shifts', see if smells of perfume? I have kind of tried that and he always smells like work or b.o but that still doesn't mean he's at work the whole time, right? I dont want to be the kind of girl to put a spy locator thing on his phone and I've told him this. He tells me to go for it, that he has nothing to hide. But i havent done so. Yet. Should I? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bs90 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 Bs, not that you have to tell us why your confidence is so low, but have you ever got to the bottom of it? Do you know why you stay, in the face of dysfunction? Again, no need to tell us anything too personal, unless you want to, but it seems like nothing he does results in you walking away. I think that's a problem you need to solve. Sorry you are going through this. Thank you, everyone is being so sweet here. I guess ive never had confidence, coming from a parent who thought giving their child confidence was a sin (I'm not religious. Neither is she until it suits her). She was really critical of me and they say that the voice of your parent becomes your inner dialog and i find that to be so true Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 I have kind of tried that and he always smells like work or b.o but that still doesn't mean he's at work the whole time, right? I dont want to be the kind of girl to put a spy locator thing on his phone and I've told him this. He tells me to go for it, that he has nothing to hide. But i havent done so. Yet. Should I? If he is cheating, then he may be bluffing or he may not use his phone to contact her, (if they work together or close by then he may not need one), or he may have another phone for his OW. What does he say he is doing when he is "out"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bs90 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 OK I guess he is cheating. I think so too. How do i find out without going too far? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bs90 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 If he is cheating, then he may be bluffing or he may not use his phone to contact her, (if they work together or close by then he may not need one), or he may have another phone for his OW. What does he say he is doing when he is "out"? I'm thinking it may be someone from his work too and alot of the time when i call him at work, he wont reply at first, but calls me back a few minutes later. I am a phone snoop however and it was totally clean of any communication so I'm not sure how they arrange to hook up unless it is a workmate. He says he is hanging out with the guys or doing gym things. As i read what i just wrote, i realize how dumb I've been Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 The truth is you might never get to the bottom of the cheating. I'd just speak to him and say you're not happy and you should end it as hard as it will be. Cheating or no cheating it sounds as if you guys have no relationship to speak of anyway and it has gone stale. If you announced your intention to end it he might come clean who knows. Either way It sounds like a tough spot to be in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chix Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Would it be an option for you to seek therapy? I think you are focusing on cheating needlessly, if I am honest. There are already concrete examples of incompatibility in your relationship that have nothing to do with cheating. Up til now, those have been without consequence. Are there local parenting organisations that can give you some support so your child and you have some people to lean on and learn from? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bs90 Posted March 11, 2017 Author Share Posted March 11, 2017 I posted on here once before and need to add to it. Is this crazy or is there reason to be concerned? Females- say your partner started working later and later each night. Starting at 7am and finishing at almost 11pm. A casual position. An in between job. Say he rejects you 80% of the time you want to have sex. And when you have said sex, it is just him putting it in dry and going for less than 2 minutes then falling asleep. Say you check out his Instagram feed and there is just massive amounts of bikini models half his age. All of them with identical bodies, that are the opposite of your own. Say you ask him casually "when was the last time you had sex? And his reply being "with you?" Say a beautiful catfish tried adding him on facebook and he only admits it many days later and only when he clued in it was a catfish* (this catfish was not you). Say he convinces you that all of these things are crazy, that he has a reason for all of these confidence crushing things that add up. Say he gets angry at you when you call him out on it and twists the conversation to make you look and feel insecure. Say tonight he made up a ridiculous lie he then realized he was going to get caught out on. He owned up, but when i pushed him as to why he lied, he couldn't answer me. He keeps insisting he would never cheat, vows and swears it isn't in his nature. But who lies unless they want to cover something up? Link to post Share on other sites
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