Three years later... (or, Rays of Hope for the Heartbroken)

[SamuraiSocks]

I originally found this forum 3 years ago, and detailed a sad story of a post divorce relationship that I loved but that I was dumped from. Original thread here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/474526-gf-needs-space-day-after-her-divorce-finalized

 

I've got some more friends going through divorces now, and it keeps reminding me of that time, and I read a lot of stories on this site and many others. So I thought I would post a little follow up, and it's a happy one! I'm hopeful this will give some encouragement to anyone else reeling in the middle of heartbreak.

 

After this relationship 3 years ago, which I let go of along with a bunch of other baggage (thanks again to a great therapist), I sort of hit a neutral "Zero ****s Given" mentality regarding future dating. I wasn't going to expect anything from anyone I dated, and I would be open to whatever opportunities presented themselves, but I wasn't going to put up with any negativity that drained me. I was also going to be 100% real, raw, and honest from day one. This created some fun and/or funny dates and scenarios, although most of those not worth detailing here. The big epiphany for me was realizing that the devastating heartbreak I felt from previous rejections was almost entirely my own set of issues. There was a day where it all just sort of clicked in my head, and I knew I would never process a failed relationship in that same way again... Not for a lack of emotion that I will invest, but for the misguided interpretation of what it means to self-value when you get dumped.

 

Long story short, I am now with a woman so unbelievably compatible, warm, and genuine with me that sometimes I wonder if I'm actually locked up in an insane asylum imagining it all. We've been together for a couple of years and living together for one, and it's just simply night and day from every other relationship I've had in my entire life. All the intensity I felt for the doomed relationship I described above in this old thread, absolutely pales in comparison to the thing we have now. I maybe understand for the first time ever true romantic devotion, or at least to a degree I never before knew was possible. It is almost laughable to think back, even to my marriage of 12 years in hindsight, and wonder why I spent so much time and angst over people that just really didn't want to be on my team.

 

This relationship started very differently than the doomed one. The beginning was casually physical, very little intimacy or commitment, more like a distant friends with benefits thing, and we would just have fun when our schedules allowed us to. Neither of us had a ton invested in it, and we were both 100% happy to walk away and live our own lives solo if it went that way. We both even dated other people while seeing each other, and would encourage the other to have fun with the other dates... basically a ton of mutual respect for each other as individuals. As we hung out more, we got to know each other better, and aside from the incredible sex (like seriously, not that I'm a Don Juan, but her ex has NO IDEA what he gave up... but I have a feeling with some more experience he'll understand one day!!) we started clicking on a lot of other levels. Emotions started creeping in, and the intensity kept building and is still today. I never thought I would feel the emotional high again that would come close to the intensity of the doomed relationship I described in my original post.

 

I can tell you today I was so wrong. That relationship was like an explosion, a big bang but snuffed as quickly as it started; this is like the never ending engine of a sun, forming over a very long time and every day burning brighter and warmer. I'm also not saying every day is perfect, but we recognize the things we have to work on, we figure out solutions, and we respect each other like nothing I've ever experienced. No games, no unnecessary drama, just teamwork and real love... and most importantly, total acceptance of the other person as an individual. There is a ton of nuance to that term "acceptance", but I will leave that open to interpretation because every relationship has unique context.

 

Something we talk a lot about is whether our relationship would be as strong as it is if it weren't for the personal journeys we each took to get here, and the growth that came out of being in our respective failed long term marriages/relationships. If we had met in our early 20s, we probably would have connected strongly still, but we both feel like we wouldn't have had the life experience that leads us to the mutual respect, raw honesty, and commitment to working on "us" that we do now. The struggles we both faced set us on a path of personal evolution that put us in place to connect like we did, and we are both grateful for our respective experiences.

 

My therapist gave me some great perspective in general that my girlfriend also subscribes to: If you can't be happy alone, or if you expect "true happiness" derives from being with someone else, you will never be happy. Your inability to be happy/content/at peace is your own problem. For a healthy and strong relationship to exist, both individuals need to be healthy alone if the other person ceases to exist. You can't dance if you put all your weight on your partner.

 

TL;DR: Heartbroken/Rejected/Cheated on? That person that you think you were so in love with simply doesn't love you back, the reason why doesn't matter... it's their issue. Let them go so you create the opportunity for someone who really will appreciate you and love you exactly for who you are to enter your life. It gets so much better. Use the opportunity to work on yourself. Be alone and be OK with it. Be genuine and present for the people who truly care for you. Be open to feedback, but love and respect yourself and always strive to be a better human. If no one ever comes along that matches you, so be it. If someone does, so be it. Either way, you're going to be fine.

 

Much love to you, my fellow humans that brave the pain of love and still give a ****!!

[Momof3littleones]

Thank you for the encouraging words. My marriage of 12 years is currently falling apart. It's good to hear positive experiences from someone who has been through this.