How can I find the type of girl I'm looking for?

[King_of_Steven]

Hi everyone, I hope this is posted in the right place. I'm brand new here and just really need advice/guidance.

 

I'm extremely shy and have never dated before. I tried signing up for OkCupid and a couple other similar sites without success.

These are the things I'm looking for: Cute (not asking for a model here), no tattoos, white or Asian. Preferably atheist. Non smoker or drug user. No alcohol either would be ideal. No parties or hookups. Gamer and liking sports would be lovely but not at all necessary. Intelligent.

 

Yes I know that's a long list but I believe it should be if we're talking about ideals. But the key thing is that I haven't found anyone close. Not even someone who is nothing like this. Finding this type of girl in particular though is quite difficult. If she's like me, she's probably hiding at home somewhere. She won't be at a social event. She might be extremely private too.

 

So my question is: where can I go to try and find her? I am out of ideas and hope that you have some.

 

Thank you in advance for your help and especially for taking the time to read this!

[normal person]

Finding this type of girl in particular though is quite difficult. If she's like me, she's probably hiding at home somewhere. She won't be at a social event. She might be extremely private too.

 

One shy, private person who hides at home and doesn't go to social events seeks another shy, private person who hides at home and doesn't go to social events. I hate to say it, but you're not doing yourself any favors. Eventually you have to step out of your comfort zone and do things you might not want to do if you want to break the pattern you're in.

 

The problem is that you and your hypothetical girl both have personalities that aren't conducive to you meeting each other. You want someone reclusive, but how do you meet someone reclusive if you're shy yourself and she doesn't leave her basement? For you to meet, both of you need to not be reclusive and shy. You need to visible and proactive. You can do that yourself, but you can't make her do it too and cross paths with you somewhere.

 

So, don't assume everyone who has X, Y, and Z qualities hangs out at a particular bar on a particular night of the week. It's just not that simple. You have to broaden your search, make yourself visible on OLD and elsewhere, cross paths with as many people as you can, etc. There's only so much within your control. If the girl is reclusive and sitting in her basement playing video games, there's not much you can do about it. You might have to compromise for a girl who doesn't fit the criteria quite in the way you desire because if your girl doesn't make herself available, you can't meet her.

 

People will hate me for saying this, but shyness is your worst enemy. Shyness is a fear of other people. Look at the position you and your potential partner are in as a direct result of it. You're both so hindered by shyness that it's preventing you both from getting the things you desire -- each other.

 

Learn to conquer shyness, evolve, and hopefully you'll realize that being with a grown adult who's scared of other people is not something you should aspire to. Step out of your comfort zone, take chances and conquer fear, don't embrace it.

 

Best of luck.

[King_of_Steven]

I'm looking for some site or other method to facilitate me and that hypothetical girl meeting. I'm not just going to overcome shyness that simply.

 

What is OLD?

[basil67]

OLD is Online Dating.

 

I am an introvert and meeting an extrovert was the best thing which could have happened to me. Yes, we've had to negotiate how to find the balance between what's too much for me and too little for him - but my world has been enlarged so much by having a guy who's fun and sociable.

 

Don't limit yourself to isolation.

[King_of_Steven]

OLD is Online Dating.

 

I am an introvert and meeting an extrovert was the best thing which could have happened to me. Yes, we've had to negotiate how to find the balance between what's too much for me and too little for him - but my world has been enlarged so much by having a guy who's fun and sociable.

 

Don't limit yourself to isolation.

 

I've tried OkCupid, PoF, and Bumble for a while now. None of them have gotten me anywhere. Very few people in my area aren't looking for hookups and the few that actually respond usually end up being spambots. Got any advice on that front?

 

I know that for me, almost anything would be "too much" which is why I want a fellow introvert who would be much more subdued.

[preraph]

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but frankly, if you're not ready to leave your house and be social, you are not equipped to date and get a girlfriend. Let me ask, how many just friends do you have, and how often to you get out of the house to go do something? You have to have social skills to date. The much more immediate problem in your life is overcoming your extreme shyness and working on that. You have to get out and start doing interesting things to attract someone and be able to do all that.

Edited March 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[normal person]

I've tried OkCupid, PoF, and Bumble for a while now. None of them have gotten me anywhere. Very few people in my area aren't looking for hookups and the few that actually respond usually end up being spambots. Got any advice on that front?

 

How do you know they're only looking for hookups? I don't think I've ever come across a (real) profile that said "only here for a one night stand." Maybe 1 or 2 out of 100 will say something akin to "only here for the week, just looking to meet some nice people," and even then, you couldn't be sure about what they're after. I find it hard to believe you live in an area where it's the exact opposite, considering I live in what's basically the most sexually liberal city in America.

 

Other than that, why don't you think those aps have gotten you anywhere? You need to audit yourself. Where do you live, what's unique about you, what's in your profile that you're expecting people to like and appreciate?

 

 

I know that for me, almost anything would be "too much" which is why I want a fellow introvert who would be much more subdued.

 

In that situation described, one of them is extroverted -- that's why it was more likely to work than your scenario. Presumably the extroverted one had to saddle up and do what needed to be done to facilitate the interaction. But if you're introverted, you're not likely to do that, and there is no extrovert in your scenario to do it for you. You're predisposed to not talking to other people and not being social. How do you expect to meet and be social with someone who also doesn't like talking to other people and being social? You're both actively avoiding situations where you might meet.

 

One of you needs to get over being shy and seek out the other. If you're a man, I'd suggest you let that someone be you. Women will likely not respect you if you're afraid of doing what you need to get what you want. I'm sorry, but that's the way of the world. There is no way that being a grown man who is afraid of other people can be spun as an appealing quality. Sorry. Ready for an argument on this one. A woman will not be gifted to you, you're going to have to be proactive to meet her. And if you're not, someone else will, and he'll end up with her, not you.

[King_of_Steven]

How do you know they're only looking for hookups? I don't think I've ever come across a (real) profile that said "only here for a one night stand." Maybe 1 or 2 out of 100 will say something akin to "only here for the week, just looking to meet some nice people," and even then, you couldn't be sure about what they're after. I find it hard to believe you live in an area where it's the exact opposite, considering I live in what's basically the most sexually liberal city in America.

 

Other than that, why don't you think those aps have gotten you anywhere? You need to audit yourself. Where do you live, what's unique about you, what's in your profile that you're expecting people to like and appreciate?

 

 

 

 

In that situation described, one of them is extroverted -- that's why it was more likely to work than your scenario. Presumably the extroverted one had to saddle up and do what needed to be done to facilitate the interaction. But if you're introverted, you're not likely to do that, and there is no extrovert in your scenario to do it for you. You're predisposed to not talking to other people and not being social. How do you expect to meet and be social with someone who also doesn't like talking to other people and being social? You're both actively avoiding situations where you might meet.

 

One of you needs to get over being shy and seek out the other. If you're a man, I'd suggest you let that someone be you. Women will likely not respect you if you're afraid of doing what you need to get what you want. I'm sorry, but that's the way of the world. There is no way that being a grown man who is afraid of other people can be spun as an appealing quality. Sorry. Ready for an argument on this one. A woman will not be gifted to you, you're going to have to be proactive to meet her. And if you're not, someone else will, and he'll end up with her, not you.

 

I've seen more profiles than not where they list "Casual Sex" in the "Looking For" section and ones that say things like "not interested in anything serious." Plus the obvious bots.

 

That's the thing. I might be able to talk more and be more open once I get comfortable with someone. Until then, I'm the opposite, which is what makes meeting so hard.

 

If it were so easy to "get over" it, I wouldn't be here. So back off on that one.

[montie1]

Look man I will be honest with you. You want to catch a fish but you don't want to get a hook. Dating and finding a girl of your particular interest is gonna be hard. You have to put yourself out there. Shy girls need to be approached because as you would guess , they are shy and won't do much approaching.

 

So as hard as it may seem for you. You need to atleast somehow get out and socialise. You might hate it but a girl isn't just gonna walk through your front door. You know what kindve woman you like so its less of a struggle for you. By that I mean you know where to look.

 

So in your situation your not gonna look in a pool party for such a girl. So go where the flock is. Unfortunately I don't know where shy people hang out. Maybe movies and like the park. Quiet places i would guess where there isnt alot of people.

 

Also dont stop the online dating. Im sure someone will turn up with similar interests. But be ware you will have to compromise as much as the girl .

 

So start getting over that fear of socialising and the overall shyness. A life being shy isnt fun. Your gonna miss alot of opportunities. So start small and the more you go out, you'll get comfortable about talking to people. You'll be more confident and brave.

[King_of_Steven]

Look man I will be honest with you. You want to catch a fish but you don't want to get a hook. Dating and finding a girl of your particular interest is gonna be hard. You have to put yourself out there. Shy girls need to be approached because as you would guess , they are shy and won't do much approaching.

 

So as hard as it may seem for you. You need to atleast somehow get out and socialise. You might hate it but a girl isn't just gonna walk through your front door. You know what kindve woman you like so its less of a struggle for you. By that I mean you know where to look.

 

So in your situation your not gonna look in a pool party for such a girl. So go where the flock is. Unfortunately I don't know where shy people hang out. Maybe movies and like the park. Quiet places i would guess where there isnt alot of people.

 

Also dont stop the online dating. Im sure someone will turn up with similar interests. But be ware you will have to compromise as much as the girl .

 

So start getting over that fear of socialising and the overall shyness. A life being shy isnt fun. Your gonna miss alot of opportunities. So start small and the more you go out, you'll get comfortable about talking to people. You'll be more confident and brave.

 

To your knowledge, do girls ever approach a shy guy?

 

What do I do with the online dating then? Girls get infinitely more messages so it's hard to get their attention.

[normal person]

I've seen more profiles than not where they list "Casual Sex" in the "Looking For" section and ones that say things like "not interested in anything serious." Plus the obvious bots.

 

You can filter those people out and just focus on those who meet your criteria. And you conveniently avoided the other relevant questions I asked you: Why don't you think those aps have gotten you anywhere? Where city do you live in, what's unique about you, what's in your profile that you're expecting people to like and appreciate?

 

That's the thing. I might be able to talk more and be more open once I get comfortable with someone.

 

The problem with this is you're expecting someone to magically fall into your lap without having to be proactive on your own volition, meet them, and engage them with them first. How do you expect to get comfortable with someone if you don't have the courage to actually meet them? You're putting the cart before the horse. You're expecting people to give you the benefit of the doubt rather than taking action yourself. It hasn't worked for you so far, why do think it will work in the future? I'm not trying to be rude, that's an actual question. How do you think you're going to meet someone to be comfortable with if you're not comfortable enough to actually meet them? Where do you think your opportunity is going to come from if you don't work for it?

 

If it were so easy to "get over" it, I wouldn't be here. So back off on that one.

 

I didn't say it was easy. But it is what you need to do. Just because it's not comfortable or convenient for you doesn't mean it's not what you need to hear. Throw yourself into the fire. Learn from your mistakes and apply them elsewhere. You will have to enter the arena and compete for what you want like everyone else -- you won't get a free pass. You had to compete for your spot at school, you had to compete for you job, at your job you have to compete for business and clients against other companies, and you have to compete against your coworkers for promotions and advancement. It should be no surprise that you'll have to compete for women too. You won't be awarded one just because you're shy. Quite the opposite (women won't even consider you a "man" you if you're afraid of them). You have to be proactive and compete for them. You're currently on the opposite end of the spectrum, refusing to compete. Would you hire someone who was too shy to show up to the interview? Or would you give the job to the best applicant, the one who came prepared, knowledgable about the business and ready to provide value? The best applicant, right? This is not different at all. You'll have to earn a woman, not expect one just because expending effort is uncomfortable for you.

 

I know "get over it" sounds dismissive, but on a macro level, it's the only logical way out of this for you. If you need help with the specifics, maybe this isn't the best place. You might need to speak to a professional if your shyness is so debilitating that it prevents you from getting things you want.

[King_of_Steven]

You can filter those people out and just focus on those who meet your criteria. And you conveniently avoided the other relevant questions I asked you: Why don't you think those aps have gotten you anywhere? Where city do you live in, what's unique about you, what's in your profile that you're expecting people to like and appreciate?

 

 

 

The problem with this is you're expecting someone to magically fall into your lap without having to be proactive on your own volition, meet them, and engage them with them first. How do you expect to get comfortable with someone if you don't have the courage to actually meet them? You're putting the cart before the horse. You're expecting people to give you the benefit of the doubt rather than taking action yourself. It hasn't worked for you so far, why do think it will work in the future? I'm not trying to be rude, that's an actual question. How do you think you're going to meet someone to be comfortable with if you're not comfortable enough to actually meet them? Where do you think your opportunity is going to come from if you don't work for it?

 

 

 

I didn't say it was easy. But it is what you need to do. Just because it's not comfortable or convenient for you doesn't mean it's not what you need to hear. Throw yourself into the fire. Learn from your mistakes and apply them elsewhere. You will have to enter the arena and compete for what you want like everyone else -- you won't get a free pass. You had to compete for your spot at school, you had to compete for you job, at your job you have to compete for business and clients against other companies, and you have to compete against your coworkers for promotions and advancement. It should be no surprise that you'll have to compete for women too. You won't be awarded one just because you're shy. Quite the opposite (women won't even consider you a "man" you if you're afraid of them). You have to be proactive and compete for them. You're currently on the opposite end of the spectrum, refusing to compete. Would you hire someone who was too shy to show up to the interview? Or would you give the job to the best applicant, the one who came prepared, knowledgable about the business and ready to provide value? The best applicant, right? This is not different at all. You'll have to earn a woman, not expect one just because expending effort is uncomfortable for you.

 

I know "get over it" sounds dismissive, but on a macro level, it's the only logical way out of this for you. If you need help with the specifics, maybe this isn't the best place. You might need to speak to a professional if your shyness is so debilitating that it prevents you from getting things you want.

 

 

Oh I'm sorry I thought those questions were rhetorical ones that I was supposed to ask myself. I don't know why they haven't worked and I'm not prepared to give out personal info on this site.

 

I'm not expecting magic. I'm asking how to make it easier for me and someone who is probably in the exact same situation to meet up. The "get out there" idea doesn't work if my ideal girl isn't out there for me to meet in the first place.