When I am with her she talks with other people instead of me

[Carolina9192]

Long distance is hard enough. We finally have a week together and we go out to eat but sit at the bar. She stares at the TV like she actually has interest in weight lifting competitions, i talk to her and she doesn't hear me she is so engaged. Fine the TV is on at the bar but really? this is our time!!! We have such little time and this is how she wants to spend it?

She is a pretty girl and she is bubbly and talkative to anyone. Well a guy next to her at the bar tried to engage with her in small talk and there it goes. She talks and laughs and turns to body in the chair toward him and has a good time. uh hello!! I am so pissed at this point. Is this a big part of my jealously? Is this normal and it's just how stuff goes because she would say "It's the way i am. I like to talk to people and have fun". Bull. This is our time.

Another instance was when her kids were at a soccer field and playing. they asked me to come out to play too. Dating her, i thought she would be watching, laughing about how i was a good man to kick the soccer ball around with her two boys. Huh. I look back and she is talking to another Dad who is sitting down the bleachers a ways. She is laughing, looking opposite direction toward him than the field, and she is completely enjoying her conversation. OK. I'm pissed. So I stopped playing with her kids and I walk closer to her on the field toward her. I stood there with my arms crossed for i bet 4 minutes before she even looked my way. then it was a quick look and she continues to turn and talk and laugh. I stayed in that position until she and the guy looked at me for a longer time. Maybe she got my point. But of course i come back and i was trying to make her feel quilty by asking her, did you watch us play on the field? "yeah it looked fun". hmm. I didn't continue to make drill her but i wanted so much to say a heck of a lot more to her.

So I have thought of doing a couple things to do. Introduce myself as her boyfriend to the guy talking to her. Grab her hand and hold it - although i have done this and she just holds my hand and continues to talk to the guy.

What can i do to let her know this is our time and while she sits there quiet and doesn't say much to me, she totally engages in conversation with a stranger.

 

As for the long distance relationship goes. I also get this jealousy when she takes up our time by talking to women too. She could engage into a very useless conversation with anyone and then she is using our time together for someone she could care less about.

 

thanks in advance for any advice.

[justwhoiam]

First things first.

 

1. How often do you meet each other?

2. For how long each time?

3. How far are you from one another?

4. Do you take turns meeting up in person? Which means is just one of you travelling to the other?

5. Do you plan on what to do together in advance?

6. Do you usually plan any time just for the two of you (aka intimate time, which means no people around)?

7. How much alone time do you have with her? That means in person alone with her with no one else around (so social context excluded).

8. Does she ever ask to plan anything? And more specifically, does she ever ask for time alone with you?

9. Besides her kids, did she introduce you to anyone? Think family members, relatives, friends and co-workers.

 

It will be easier for me to express my thoughts having such information available.

 

Anyway, just one thing for the moment: playing with her children should be something you like doing, or made out of love, not as a means to impress her. Never use the kids to impress her. If it happens, the better. But dropping the kids because she's not looking at you was a bad move. And I won't comment further on that.

[doyathinkso]

She doesn't sound like much of a catch.

 

You could do so much better.

[Carolina9192]

JustWhoIAm:

 

1. How often do you meet each other?

usually at least once a month.

 

2. For how long each time?

2 weeks at a time.

 

3. How far are you from one another?

900 miles Missouri and Florida

 

4. Do you take turns meeting up in person? Which means is just one of you travelling to the other?

I travel to her nearly every time.

 

5. Do you plan on what to do together in advance?

Yes.

 

6. Do you usually plan any time just for the two of you (aka intimate time, which means no people around)?

Intimate time doesn't happen much. I Definitely want more of this. Ha especially with no TV's around and if she can put down her phone/facebook.

 

7. How much alone time do you have with her? That means in person alone with her with no one else around (so social context excluded).

in a 2 week stretch, maybe 1-2 times for 2-3 hours.

 

8. Does she ever ask to plan anything? And more specifically, does she ever ask for time alone with you?

No and No.

 

9. Besides her kids, did she introduce you to anyone? Think family members, relatives, friends and co-workers.

Yes. All of her family. A couple of friends and coworkers. I think i know where you are going with this and it took a long time for her to take steps to introduce me.

 

Thanks in advance for your views.

 

I agree with you about playing with her kids. thank you thank you for pointing this out to me. She has said Actions means more than words and i can see this as a good thing to do for this relationship with kids. Also if I want to do something with her kids I should just want to do it for myself and for them. If she is the one that talks to someone of any sex while she could be watching her kids and her boy friend have this time together, that's on her. Right? she is missing out the chance because she gave her attention to something else. And I shouldn't be pointing it out to her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, it sounds like she's losing interest in you and the relationship.

 

How long have you been together, and when did you notice this change in her demeanor?

[Carolina9192]

Honestly, it sounds like she's losing interest in you and the relationship.

 

How long have you been together, and when did you notice this change in her demeanor?

 

That is how i take it too. 2 years together. your question is a good one to think about. off hand, i may have been feeling this more so in the past year.

 

She is very friendly to people. I can be too but if it's just small talk with a stranger i may say have a good day and it may become short dialogue but quickly i think, why am i wasting my quality time with her by talking to the waitress or whatever. ha, maybe i should do the same as her. Usually if i do this "game" she can tell that I'm testing her and it blows up in that direction. she doesn't learn from my examples for what she is doing.

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you come right out and asked how she's feeling about the relationship lately?

 

Not in the context of her talking to other people instead of you, but just in general, how she feels things are going?

 

Playing a game or testing her won't help. It will only put her defenses up, rather than getting at the root of the issue.

[lionlover1973]

I had an ex who is similar to what you described.

 

By nature, he is highly extroverted. He can have a 5 hour conversation with a complete stranger, doesn't matter who it is.

 

I did cringe a bit when reading your story, partly based on a level of (dare I say it) 'controlling' behavior on your part (sorry).

 

She explained that is her personality and you cannot change someone's core personality. If that is in fact, who she is. Behaviors and patterns, however, are a different story.

 

Of course you should not tolerate certain behaviors but you both have to agree what those behaviors are and draw boundaries accordingly. You shouldn't have to suffer and if their is an unwillingness to compromise and meet your needs on her part, I would suggest looking inward (i.e. the relationship as a whole).

 

Good luck!

[Carolina9192]

I had an ex who is similar to what you described.

 

By nature, he is highly extroverted. He can have a 5 hour conversation with a complete stranger, doesn't matter who it is.

 

I did cringe a bit when reading your story, partly based on a level of (dare I say it) 'controlling' behavior on your part (sorry).

 

She explained that is her personality and you cannot change someone's core personality. If that is in fact, who she is. Behaviors and patterns, however, are a different story.

 

Of course you should not tolerate certain behaviors but you both have to agree what those behaviors are and draw boundaries accordingly. You shouldn't have to suffer and if their is an unwillingness to compromise and meet your needs on her part, I would suggest looking inward (i.e. the relationship as a whole).

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you. I like the idea about boundaries. I believe that someone has to be made aware of the problem for it to be fixed or at least set aside for this one particular special person in your life if possible. and maybe i have been indirect about it.

[Chilli]

l'm pretty surprised she doesn't value your time as much as you considering.

lt does sound like she's lacking interest to me too.

But , have known girls like that and you just think wtf. Some are about as romantic as a brick.But l have thought if they were into me enough it'd be coming out a lot more than that.

 

It's hard to explain l know but does she actually sound into you and you guys ? Does she talk and act like she's into you and the next visit and stuff , plans , all exited. Are you all over each other at first few days and talking non stop or can't leave the bedroom. ?

 

Personally l think she should have been enjoying you with her kids and had that look in her eye watch. Some mums do get way in-sensitized but still, if you guys are the real deal most mums would really notice and love that stuff.

[Carolina9192]

Chilli, She does have these phases of going a day or two of excitement when Im first with her, then to kinda a moderate to stale. Then sometimes things go well for the rest of the time if I bite my lip and not say anything to piss her off. ha. I noticed if we do have a spat, the following day she is a lot loving and caring with me. Yep i can't stand the changes in mood.

 

yes she does seem into me. Most of the time she lacks the words to support the feeling that she is into me.

 

I am more talkative and less shy with people than her ex. But she has explained something similar with him that HE is not talking with other people when they go out. He is by her side for the night while she is talking with other people and he doesn't open up. hmm. I think he only wanted the same as what I am wanting. Her time. and that was a marriage where they saw each other every day. She was probably wanting to have fun and not include him while they were both out together.

[GemmaUK]

What do you plan to do? Are you going to tell her not to speak to other people for the two weeks when you visit?

 

These sound like impromptu conversations and it doesn't sound at all like there is any interruption of a conversation between the two of you.

 

I find the football one weird - you didn't communicate anything at all you appeared to just try to intimidate her.

 

It sounds like you have a lot of insecurities going on - spending that much time straight with someone probably isn't a good idea especially if you are seeing two whole weeks as a 'date'. Life happens within all that time and you shouldn't be wanting to change her - she has already told you that it's the way she is. Even you say she is bubbly. Can we assume that 'bubbly' isn't something you liked about her from the beginning?

[salparadise]

Attention is a primary predictor of relationship success according to several legitimate studies. Couples who naturally give each other focused attention whenever they're together feel connected and affirmed. OP's situation is the diametrical opposite of that –– his SO is diverting primary attention to strangers under the guise of being a friendly, sociable type of person. It's a passive aggressive way of withholding the attention from him. She's not just ignoring him as if she had her head buried in a book, she's engaging strangers in extended conversations to the exclusion of her boyfriend.

 

It's often said that people who are chronically late are passively manipulative. They withhold attention, respect and consideration, and focus the attention upon themselves by being absent when they know they're expected them to be present... and then brush it off with some petty excuse that doesn't hold water.

 

I've seen it many times. My ex-w used to do both of these things, and then she'd smirk and be like, oh I'm just a social butterfly, that's just who I am. Nope. It's easy to give a pass on rare occasions, but then it becomes a pattern there's something else underlying it.

 

The fact that OP has noticed and is here posting about a pattern tells me there is more to it than her just being a social butterfly. I think it' passive aggressive manipulation and attention seeking behavior disguised as innocence, and reflecting blame back at him if he should be so rude as to say that he would like to have her attention. I think he has a right to expect her primary attention if he's in a relationship with her. It should bother her if he's sitting on the side waiting for her to get finished chatting up strangers for no particular reason.

[Chris516]

OP, Going on your answers to JustWhoIAm

 

All my answers are in '()'.

 

1. How often do you meet each other?

usually at least once a month.

(Twice a year at this point)

 

2. For how long each time?

2 weeks at a time.

(1wk.)

 

3. How far are you from one another?

900 miles Missouri and Florida

(3,000mi. apart; Maryland to California)

 

4. Do you take turns meeting up in person? Which means is just one of you travelling to the other?

I travel to her nearly every time.

(Same with me, and I prefer it that way; because of my nosey elderly parents')

 

5. Do you plan on what to do together in advance?

Yes.

(Yes)

 

6. Do you usually plan any time just for the two of you (aka intimate time, which means no people around)?

Intimate time doesn't happen much. I Definitely want more of this. Ha especially with no TV's around and if she can put down her phone/facebook.

(Yes; She does have a apartment-mate but we don't go out with him when I am there. Both he, and I prefer it that way)

 

7. How much alone time do you have with her? That means in person alone with her with no one else around (so social context excluded).

in a 2 week stretch, maybe 1-2 times for 2-3 hours.

(since I sleep in her room on a mattress 24/7 pretty much)

 

8. Does she ever ask to plan anything? And more specifically, does she ever ask for time alone with you?

No and No.

(50/50; I will tell her that I want to take her out, she will give me ideas' about the area)

 

9. Besides her kids, did she introduce you to anyone? Think family members, relatives, friends and co-workers.

Yes. All of her family. A couple of friends and coworkers. I think i know where you are going with this and it took a long time for her to take steps to introduce me.

(She wants to; but her relatives feel she hasn't known me long enough; I will have news for them. I will need their complete trust, should my physical health suddenly take a dive.

[Carolina9192]

Attention is a primary predictor of relationship success according to several legitimate studies. Couples who naturally give each other focused attention whenever they're together feel connected and affirmed. OP's situation is the diametrical opposite of that –– his SO is diverting primary attention to strangers under the guise of being a friendly, sociable type of person. It's a passive aggressive way of withholding the attention from him. She's not just ignoring him as if she had her head buried in a book, she's engaging strangers in extended conversations to the exclusion of her boyfriend.

 

 

I find your view and analysis to be very very helpful. I do believe this is the core of the issue for how she is comfortable doing this during our time. I will think more about this. Also we have the insecurities and constant affirmation issue that i have. And a question i have when this happens, Is she really into me?

[anduina]

She is very friendly to people. I can be too but if it's just small talk with a stranger i may say have a good day and it may become short dialogue but quickly i think, why am i wasting my quality time with her by talking to the waitress or whatever. ha, maybe i should do the same as her. Usually if i do this "game" she can tell that I'm testing her and it blows up in that direction. she doesn't learn from my examples for what she is doing.

This stood out to me that she can't see her hypocrisy. Does this hypocrisy happen for other issues?

[NuevoYorko]

Between this and your other thread, the signs are strong that you don't feel confident and secure in this relationship.

[Carolina9192]

This stood out to me that she can't see her hypocrisy. Does this hypocrisy happen for other issues?

 

Oh yes! Her hypocrisy is the start of about 70% of the arguments. I understand it's her thing and she will have to work on herself. But what do I do in conversation/argument when she gets on me about something that she has done too? If I bring it up to her when she does it, trying to point out that this is another time that she does the same thing as what we argued about all day last time, she gets on me for bringing it up as it's ok that i do it and not her. Also she throws it in my face that I'm trying to prove her wrong.

 

Her Hypocrisy and her style of arguing leads to a never ending, never resolved argument.

[bluefeather]

The two of you do not seem compatible. You sound needy and insecure and she sounds flirtatious and attention-seeking.

[anduina]

Oh yes! Her hypocrisy is the start of about 70% of the arguments. I understand it's her thing and she will have to work on herself. But what do I do in conversation/argument when she gets on me about something that she has done too? If I bring it up to her when she does it, trying to point out that this is another time that she does the same thing as what we argued about all day last time, she gets on me for bringing it up as it's ok that i do it and not her. Also she throws it in my face that I'm trying to prove her wrong.

 

Her Hypocrisy and her style of arguing leads to a never ending, never resolved argument.

Considering her more recent behavior of ignoring you and the extreme hypocrisy, is it possible she's not what you thought you fell in love with?

 

Would this be applicable?

 

No matter how attractive, there's someone out there who's tired of putting up with their crap.

[justwhoiam]

1. How often do you meet each other?

usually at least once a month.

 

2. For how long each time?

2 weeks at a time.

Ok. My first thought is that if I had him with me every 2 weeks, I would try to have my normal life. It's not like in most LDRs, where you try to squeeze stuff in as much as possible, because it'll be a long time before you'll be able to do anything together again. Here the general mood should be more relaxed. After all, if you can't do something this time, you know you'll be able to do it in 2 weeks. In short, no big deal. I feel one of the bad sides in a LDR is indeed not being able to have a 'normal' life. But your case is definitely different. You still get a lot of time together.

 

I travel to her nearly every time.

Why?

 

Intimate time doesn't happen much.

[...]1-2 times for 2-3 hours

If I'm reading well, it can be once in 2 weeks, which is definitely LOW, also considering the time apart, and the fact that you don't live together, so anticipation should still be there.

I'm wondering if the kids are always around, or there are grandparents or a father who can take care of them now and then.

 

Does she ever ask to plan anything? And more specifically, does she ever ask for time alone with you?

No and No.

This is the best indication of her interest. She IS a social person, still, she's showing you no particular interest. This is the greatest red flag of all.

[mightycpa]

Thank you. I like the idea about boundaries. I believe that someone has to be made aware of the problem for it to be fixed or at least set aside for this one particular special person in your life if possible. and maybe i have been indirect about it.

The trouble with this line of thinking, however, is that YOU are the problem. She is the way she is. YOU find fault with it, when from her perspective, she's just being who she is.

 

Maybe rather than try to change HER such that she meets your approval, you should change YOUR CHOICE of girlfriends, and get one that already does meet your approval.

 

Changing who people are is such a quixotic task.

[ExpatInItaly]

The trouble with this line of thinking, however, is that YOU are the problem. She is the way she is. YOU find fault with it, when from her perspective, she's just being who she is.

 

Maybe rather than try to change HER such that she meets your approval, you should change YOUR CHOICE of girlfriends, and get one that already does meet your approval.

 

Changing who people are is such a quixotic task.

 

I agree with the above.

 

OP, it seems you and your girlfriend are not very compatible. I had a look through your other thread, and there's definitely a lot of tension between you two now. You have resorted to staring her down with crossed arms, for Pete's sake - that can't feel good for you, or for her.

 

It doesn't necessarily mean she is wrong and you are right, or vice versa. It means that you might just not be a good match. You want her to change, and she probably wants you to change too. That won't work.

 

But I maintain that unfortunately she just doesn't appear that interested any longer. The intimacy is low and her enthusiasm in seeing you and planning things together is too. Those are red flags.

 

I think you need to ask her whether or not she still sees this relationship as being a viable prospect. Don't come at her in an angry tone. Ask her to be honest and open with you, even if you don't like what you hear. You might finally get to the bottom of it.

[doyathinkso]

I've said it before and I'll say it again ... She's not much of a catch.

 

You could do better. Don't be so gol-darned pathetic.

[randall]

It sounds like you have an anxious attachment type and she's dismissive-avoidant. If you're not sure what these are you can google the terms.

 

The problem is people with her attachment type are highly unlikely to change their behavior (they think their independence is a strength and very rarely consider how it affects someone else in a relationship).

 

It's up to you to figure out what you want, rather than trying to make her change.