I've had multiple affairs why did it get too emotional that time around?

[Lbj1998]

I am an [EXOM]. I have always dated guys that have a woman. I've had a boyfriend since I was 12ish. Im 18 now. I had a hormonal imbalance that made me start puberty a lot earlier. Anyway I generally would lie about my age to my boyfriends all except my last one since i was of age of consent.

 

Ive had about 7 actual boyfriends and all of them have had a wife. this is kind of the first time I don't have a boyfriend now. Its alright because I'm still seeing someone. But with guys I always seem to be with guys who are married. I always thought it was because I tend to prefer older men. I prefer guys that are like 40-60. Basically middle aged generally. When I was younger it was all fun because it wasn't like I loved them like I did my last one.

 

I actually wanted to marry him. I wanted to spend my life with him and for us to be partners and have a family someday etc... But of course that couldn't happen I don't get. Though why I always am with a guy that isn't going to commit to me. I'm always attracted to this type of guy. I can't seem to get with a sincere guy that actually wants to just be with me. Maybe I didn't really want this? to be with a man? Is that my subconscious trying to sobatoge me? I don't know I just dumped my boyfriend because he kept ignoring me and only wanted to be with me when he wanted sex. And for me I couldn't be like that because I actually loved him. But now it hurts now that I know he's gone forever.

 

Trying to see someone else in hopes to not think about him. But I don't love her like I love him. Even though I do like her and all and want to continue datibg her. More i feel its the beat thing to do as i know theres no use in trying to get back with my boyfriend and he doesn't love me. He just likes our sex. And its emotionally draining sleeping with a guy and pretending that we will someday be together when I know he will always be with her. And he just wants my body.

 

I wonder sometimes if he did love me at some point. We were together when he wasn't with her and we were like regular boyfriend s for once for a long time I wanted to bring that back but I gave up thinking no matter what I do its out of my control whether hes with her or not. I can o ly remove myself from this train wreck. I feel its the best thing I can do for me. But it feels ****ty at the same time. I just don't get why my relationships with men are set up for destruction?

 

It never hurt like it did this time. Before it was OK and fun and when they moved on I found a new liver. Idk I wish he was here right now... But I know it'll make matters worst. Advice?

Edited March 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[Vivir]

Lbj, in my experience, I have found that as I have gotten older, my wants and needs have changed dramatically. Perhaps that is what you're now experiencing. Please correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me that all of your experience has been based on lies that generate and exacerbate unhealthy dynamics (major lies about age, willfully using other people and being used, all of your "boyfriends" having had wives). It seems to me that you've asked the question of Why Now to the board, but it is one that only you can answer. Introspection in this case will be key.

 

Congratulations in having the wherewithal to remove yourself from a situation where the person you love was very obviously out to meet his own needs without showing due care for yours. It is possible that the pain of involvement began to outweigh the fleeting pleasure of it. It will only get worse if you continue or allow this person to continue. Expect it to happen in the future, too, if you don't change how you've been interacting with potential partners.

 

Unfortunately, you are using the young woman you are dating as a fallback option. In my honest opinion, you are using her attention as a distraction, which is unfair to her, just as these MM used your attention as a distraction from their lives (which was unfair to you). Why do you think you are OK with using her? Why do you think you were OK with these 7 MM using you?

 

You mentioned your lack of meeting a sincere person with whom to start a relationship. I ask you without malice, are you sincere? Are you trustworthy? If you do not trust yourself, you will not trust other people. If you are not sincere, you may not recognize sincerity in other people. I learned this from experience! Hard lesson to learn - trust me. If you do not hold yourself in some esteem, you will not recognize it when it is directed at you. You will always question it.

 

There is a consensus that those who accept non-commitments but give up fringe benefits (like sex, a shoulder to lean on, time, effort, etc.) are themselves emotionally unavailable for a mutually fulfilling relationship. How do you feel about this statement? Have you ever considered that you might be emotionally unavailable? If so, why do you think this might be? You may find that you need to dig deep within yourself to answer your questions (and they do need answering before you do further damage to yourself). I just realized within the last week that my unhealthy relationship pattern began TWENTY YEARS ago. Don't be like me. Get into a relationship with yourself where YOU are your priority, and figure out why your ideals are changing, what you REALLY need and want. That is, if you want to get off and stay off the merry-go-round. You're obviously not fine being on it.

 

I wish you the best of luck on this journey.

[Lbj1998]

I never felt like I was being used by my other exes. I guess because I was never interested in them leaving their women. My ex guy would say like he made a mistake in marrying his woman and that he wished we could be in an open committed relationship. With my exbf I didnt just want his dick like all my other ex boyfriend's... But I wanted his heart soul and for us to become one I felt like he had a big piece of me that I felt always connected to him and I still do now which is why its hard to try to move on. But its like he was never that into me. But I was too much into him. It was too mismatched. Never meant to be. In other relationships I did lie I lied all the time. Maybe that's why it was easier. It was kind of all to get in their pants so I said what I needed so they'd know I was available if they were interested. In my last relationship I was so open with him and I told him everything about I think he did similar and I think maybe that's how my guard got down. But I just hate that I fell in love with him. Its hard to fall put of love with him even though I know there's nothing that can be done to get him interested in me.

 

 

I am not using my current girl. I like her and we've been dating and it would be great if I didnt just get out of a relationship with my ex. I still want to go out with her. But we have just started dating a little over a week ago. We've texted about a month so far. She's a great friend a great companion. And I would like for her to be my girl at some point. I like her a lot. But our involvement has just begun. So my feelings for her are positive but not intense. Not intense like my exbf because I've been with him for 2 years. I am not using her. I've told her I am in a complicated tough love triangle I'm trying to get passed. Etc.... She's fine with it.

 

But I can't help but think about my exbf. I am trustworthy nowadays I think too much considering I didnt protect my feelings.myself from getting hurt from this.

Edited March 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[NTV]

Can you find counseling?

[aileD]

You need to get honest with yourself

 

Start by stopping calling these men your boyfriends. They were not your boyfriends. They were other people's husbands. They were Affair partners. You were their mistress (whatever the male word for that is). You were a secret and never primary and in every case you were used to fill a void in their real relationships. Used. Not boyfriend.

 

Start there.

 

Have you ever had a relationship with someone's who's not married (other than the current person you're dating)?

 

I do think you need therapy. There ARE 40 year old single me out there. Just because you prefer older men doesn't mean they have to be married. There's a flaw there in your thinking. Are you ashamed of your sexuality? Maybe subconsciously feel like it's only ok if it's a secret? I don't know. But if all the men you've been with have been married than that's a big problem and there's probably some underlying reason why that therapy could help with.

 

But start by being honest about the truth if these affairs (notice I didn't say relationships?)

[Hummingbird17]

I will try to be very gentle. These men were not your boyfriends. At 12 hitting puberty or not, you were molested by these older men. That may or may not play into your attraction to older men and your confusion about your sexuality in general.

 

You have done nothing wrong. I think it would help you a lot to find a counselor that you can talk with about this. I also think for the girls sake until you have more understanding on your feelings from the last guy, it would be kind to take a break from her and not date/ see anyone.

 

But talking to a counselor whether it's about your feelings about the last man or your attraction to these older married men can't hurt. Good luck.

[aileD]

Wait wait wait. I missed the part when you said you were 12 and were with married men. You are just 18 now? And all the men you have been with have been married

 

You were taken advantage of. Hugely. Men (married or not) engaging in sex with 12 year olds are molesting them. The fact that (until the last one) you saw this as just sex and no emotion is even more messed up at such a young age.

 

You need to get into therapy...and now. And figure this out. Read my backstory and trust me on this one. The sooner you get help, the better chance you have of not having a ****ed up life and marriage and family.

[BaileyB]

Just to say, as gently as possible, that it is not healthy or acceptable for 40 year old men to be in a sexual relationship with a teenage boy. I would strongly advise you to find a counsellor, particularly someone who has experience with issues related to sexual identity and molestation.

[Lbj1998]

Can you find counseling?

 

I am scared of therapy because I had a really bad childhood. My dad and mom split when I was like 2 and I never remember my dad and I wish I didnt remember my mom she was really neglective and emotionally/verbally abusive and had terrible boyfriends. she's a drug addict. And really happy that she is finally out of my life. Counseling like therapy don't they try to delve into childhood stuff? I don't want to go back there had to live it once don't really want to relive it. If I could talk about current issues it would be fine but not really wanting to bring stuff up from the past you know?

[Lbj1998]

The correct term is manstress. But what they were to me? Was obviously a boyfriend that's why I said ex boyfriends. They were my exes either way. I will refrain from using the word boyfriend. I honestly minded that I'd never be any of my ex's husband because I never really wanted it to be like that. To be that intense in our relationship.they were usually enough to fulfill what I wanted from them with other exes besides my last ex. Maybe its just getting older I can't be a side project anymore. Honestly though with my other exes I wouldn't mind even now hooking up and dating a few of them if the opportunity arises and I wasn't seeing my current girl.

 

Yeah I think maybe I look for guys in the wrong places. Maybe that's why I'm always caught up with wrong type of guys. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality though. I came out as gay when I was like 14. And ive known about my sexuality since I was 5 as far as I can really remember. I have had a long time to accept it. Its actually backwards. From that. Ive had to try to figure out how to come out as far as my interest in women. Since I am sometimes attracted to women in some sense. That's why I'm dating a woman now. And have been introducing her to my friends as a friend. We're gf/bf or anything we've only been dating a week been talking/texting a little over a month. But if it co.es to that I have to actually figure out how to come out as more bisexual than gay. Because I'm not openly bisexual. Ive long accepted being gay. And am quite open about it. Even if I weren't people would still know I'm gay. So I'm not at all closeted. I'm generally more attracted bisexual men it seems than gay men for some reason I don't quite know why. But I am I think that might be the reason also why but maybe I just was looking in all the wrong places for a boyfriend. Maybe that's why.

 

You need to get honest with yourself

 

Start by stopping calling these men your boyfriends. They were not your boyfriends. They were other people's husbands. They were Affair partners. You were their mistress (whatever the male word for that is). You were a secret and never primary and in every case you were used to fill a void in their real relationships. Used. Not boyfriend.

 

Start there.

 

Have you ever had a relationship with someone's who's not married (other than the current person you're dating)?

 

I do think you need therapy. There ARE 40 year old single me out there. Just because you prefer older men doesn't mean they have to be married. There's a flaw there in your thinking. Are you ashamed of your sexuality? Maybe subconsciously feel like it's only ok if it's a secret? I don't know. But if all the men you've been with have been married than that's a big problem and there's probably some underlying reason why that therapy could help with.

 

But start by being honest about the truth if these affairs (notice I didn't say relationships?)

[Lbj1998]

I will try to be very gentle. These men were not your boyfriends. At 12 hitting puberty or not, you were molested by these older men. That may or may not play into your attraction to older men and your confusion about your sexuality in general.

 

You have done nothing wrong. I think it would help you a lot to find a counselor that you can talk with about this. I also think for the girls sake until you have more understanding on your feelings from the last guy, it would be kind to take a break from her and not date/ see anyone.

 

But talking to a counselor whether it's about your feelings about the last man or your attraction to these older married men can't hurt. Good luck.

 

I didnt hit puberty at 12. I actually hit it at about 7 and officially by 9. I was a lot bigger than the average kid since I was 6. I looked about the same as most middle schoolers do by the time I was 8. And so by 12 I had full facial hair and I'd pretty much finished puberty people usually thought I was about 17. Its a real medical imbalance because after all that I ended up going to the doctor and I had a hormonal imbalance. Which is why I was able to effectively lie about being a college student with a part-time jobs at McDonalds without them thinking I was a lying 12 year old boy. Plus I was only with one guy when I was 12. Most of my other boyfriends were when I was 13-16. And I said was 18-21 those years I kept the same story so I couldn't be found out basically. I even had a fake id when I was 13. So I seriously prepared for anything that might come up. Ive known my sexuality since I was like 5 maybe younger I literally started puberty a lot younger not in an early bloomer since in an idiopathic sense. I'm bisexual though but in a biromantic sense I am not confused at all. I know my sexuality and have for years. The whole thing with my relationships with men has been set up to fail. I usually met my exes online or at a bar sometimes etc.... I think maybe the quality of the type of guy I have found is usually what's gone wrong.

[aileD]

The correct term is manstress. But what they were to me? Was obviously a boyfriend that's why I said ex boyfriends. They were my exes either way. I will refrain from using the word boyfriend. I honestly minded that I'd never be any of my ex's husband because I never really wanted it to be like that. To be that intense in our relationship.they were usually enough to fulfill what I wanted from them with other exes besides my last ex. Maybe its just getting older I can't be a side project anymore. Honestly though with my other exes I wouldn't mind even now hooking up and dating a few of them if the opportunity arises and I wasn't seeing my current girl.

 

Yeah I think maybe I look for guys in the wrong places. Maybe that's why I'm always caught up with wrong type of guys. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality though. I came out as gay when I was like 14. And ive known about my sexuality since I was 5 as far as I can really remember. I have had a long time to accept it. Its actually backwards. From that. Ive had to try to figure out how to come out as far as my interest in women. Since I am sometimes attracted to women in some sense. That's why I'm dating a woman now. And have been introducing her to my friends as a friend. We're gf/bf or anything we've only been dating a week been talking/texting a little over a month. But if it co.es to that I have to actually figure out how to come out as more bisexual than gay. Because I'm not openly bisexual. Ive long accepted being gay. And am quite open about it. Even if I weren't people would still know I'm gay. So I'm not at all closeted. I'm generally more attracted bisexual men it seems than gay men for some reason I don't quite know why. But I am I think that might be the reason also why but maybe I just was looking in all the wrong places for a boyfriend. Maybe that's why.

 

You totally skipped over everything I said about you being taken advantage of by older men when you were a child.

 

I don't care about your sexuality. Anyone worth being in your life shouldn't care either. It doesn't define me as a heterosexual, it shouldn't define you as however you identify.

 

Let's get back to the main point. You do need therapy. The right person will not force you to do anything you don't want to. If you don't es t to talk about your childhood then the right person will respect that

 

But don't be fooled that your relationships with older men were of your doing and seeking out. You may have been groomed to think that. My husband was molested from the age of 12-17 by a 50 + year old priest and if you asked him when he was your age if he thought he was taken advantage of he would have said no. 20+ years later, it hit him and all this stuff came out. If you can get to see someone and understand things now, please do it. Because eventually it will come out and it will just be harder to deal with 20 years from now.

 

I say this kindly and with love. You are messed up from this and you just don't know it yet. Be proactive

[Lbj1998]

Just to say, as gently as possible, that it is not healthy or acceptable for 40 year old men to be in a sexual relationship with a teenage boy. I would strongly advise you to find a counsellor, particularly someone who has experience with issues related to sexual identity and molestation.

 

Well yeah maybe it could have been unhealthy for me to be in such a relationship at that age. But its not something I didnt get myself into. I have actually preferred older men since I was a very young child. Way before I started dating. I think though that's probably normal for the problem I had as a kid. Of course mentally at 12 or 13 it wasn't a good situation to be in and I do feel I was a little naive but I never really encountered any issues with this. Indact I think as I got older I got more into having romantic feelings that could get entangled that's I think what caused the problem with this last relationship added to the fact that this one Lasted the longest. Maybe I should have moved on a year ago at least instead of holding on to a relationship that was bad for both of us.

[somanymistakes]

You're actually not the only person I've heard of who was highly precocious sexually - same kind of thing, puberty VERY early and rampaging sex drive at a very young age leading to a lot of underage sex. It's quite rare, though, and difficult to find anyone who specialises in cases like this, especially since there's SUCH a taboo about the subject that it's hard to discuss openly, and it's very difficult to be on the level with someone who is operating at such different levels internally at the same time.

 

If you CAN find a professional with experience in unusual cases I would definitely trust that over random advice on a forum because most people aren't going to be able to handle your situation. You need to be able to talk about how a healthy relationship should work, which you have little experience of. Because your sex drive and your emotions/mentality were so far out of sync with each other, you have likely not developed normal approaches to handling your feelings and interacting with partners as equals.

 

It's possible that's connected to why you're attracted to older married men. They take charge of things, and they are unavailable for serious relationships, so it focuses more on the sex that you wanted and less on the emotions you didn't know how to deal with.

 

If you really don't want to talk to a therapist because of your past issues, you might want to explore some self-help books. Again, your first priority should be to find out what a healthy relationship LOOKS like, how people interact with each other, how emotions build slowly and how people handle them.

[Lbj1998]

You totally skipped over everything I said about you being taken advantage of by older men when you were a child.

 

I don't care about your sexuality. Anyone worth being in your life shouldn't care either. It doesn't define me as a heterosexual, it shouldn't define you as however you identify.

 

Let's get back to the main point. You do need therapy. The right person will not force you to do anything you don't want to. If you don't es t to talk about your childhood then the right person will respect that

 

But don't be fooled that your relationships with older men were of your doing and seeking out. You may have been groomed to think that. My husband was molested from the age of 12-17 by a 50 + year old priest and if you asked him when he was your age if he thought he was taken advantage of he would have said no. 20+ years later, it hit him and all this stuff came out. If you can get to see someone and understand things now, please do it. Because eventually it will come out and it will just be harder to deal with 20 years from now.

 

I say this kindly and with love. You are messed up from this and you just don't know it yet. Be proactive

I was responding to your first post. I didnt realize you made the other one too so I didnt multi quote it. And i only responded to your question you asked if I was ashamed of my sexuality. I am not I was just explaining its not a secret that I'm gay..

 

Yeah the guys I was involved with didnt know me well enough to discern if I was actually a minor or not. Like they werent apart of a church or work or school or family friend or anything. I met them online usually and wed hook up and then it would turn intoore than just a one time thing etc... I went out of my way to fj d the guy I'd been dreaming about for at least 5 years by then. So I did deliberately go out try to find a guy I could sleep with. I did it to myself. And it hardly felt any different from the stuff I do now I just was new to relationships etc... And a little immature but I grew into it and everything was fine. But I don't want the bad ive done to destroy any future relationship with my girl or anyone else I might be with. I would be down to do t involving relationships and my past in that sense. But as long as it didnt involve my childhood. That's off limits. I am interested in researching to see if its possible.

[aileD]

It wasn't me who asked if you're ashamed of your sexuality. I don't see people like that. You are who you are.

 

Find a therapist. Make 5 appts with different ones so you can see which one you like. Tell them you don't want to talk about your childhood. Tell them what you are dealing with now and what you want to get out of the therapy.

 

Any good therapist will be able to understand you have trauma in your childhood and see how it's affecting you without actually talking about the trauma. And you may surprise yourself. You may get comfortable enough with someone that ina few years maybe you will want to deal with those past demons. It no one will force you to. It's a personal decision.

 

But I just want to say again....when you are middle aged, if you don't deal with this stuff now. It's going to hit you hard. And by then you might have a spouse and some kids that will be affected by it too. Please just try to be proactive. I've been the spouse of the man who kept things inside until it exploded in middle age. It's not fun and it very painful. So if you can learn anything from me. Just go talk to a therapist now, build a relationship, have them help you with your current struggles, then if you have a hard time later you will have a resource and tools to help you not go off the deep end

 

Good luck

[cocorico]

It wasn't me who asked if you're ashamed of your sexuality. I don't see people like that. You are who you are.

 

Are you ashamed of your sexuality? Maybe subconsciously feel like it's only ok if it's a secret?

 

Ten characters

[cocorico]

It never hurt like it did this time. Before it was OK and fun and when they moved on I found a new liver. Idk I wish he was here right now... But I know it'll make matters worst. Advice?

 

Lbj you fell for him, but it doesn't seem, from what you describe, that he loved you as much as you loved him. You left, because you felt used. Probably he was using you. That hurts, when you love someone and they are just using you.

 

I'm guessing that your childhood lack of love and affection led in large part to your seeking out older men. You may well have been looking to replace your absent father at a subconscious level. If your childhood is out of bounds for a counsellor, you may find you aren't able to make the progress you want in really understanding your behaviours now.

 

Have you read Tiger Tiger? It's a memoir about a child's relationship with an older man - it created a huge furore as some people felt it celebrated child sexual abuse, but the author did not experience the relationship as abusive. It is her story, and her right to tell it in a way that feels authentic to her. If you felt your relationships with your previous boyfriends we're not abusive, it is your right to hold that view. Just as it is your right to change your mind on that later with the hindsight that adult insight may provide. It is your story to tell.

 

It seems something in making yourself vulnerable to your last BF has opened you up to changes you weren't expecting. You can go along with that and allow yourself to experience all the highs and lows this brings, or you can go back to your closed off, guarded - but emptier - way of relating. It's a choice. But if you're going to make yourself vulnerable, and allow yourself to fall in love, you need to choose wisely. Find a partner who is in a position to give you what you want, or need - not someone who is only interested in using you.

[aileD]

Ten characters

 

 

Oh...yes I guess I did lol. Different context then I was thinking when I replied though. My bad

[Lbj1998]

You're actually not the only person I've heard of who was highly precocious sexually - same kind of thing, puberty VERY early and rampaging sex drive at a very young age leading to a lot of underage sex. It's quite rare, though, and difficult to find anyone who specialises in cases like this, especially since there's SUCH a taboo about the subject that it's hard to discuss openly, and it's very difficult to be on the level with someone who is operating at such different levels internally at the same time.

 

If you CAN find a professional with experience in unusual cases I would definitely trust that over random advice on a forum because most people aren't going to be able to handle your situation. You need to be able to talk about how a healthy relationship should work, which you have little experience of. Because your sex drive and your emotions/mentality were so far out of sync with each other, you have likely not developed normal approaches to handling your feelings and interacting with partners as equals.

 

It's possible that's connected to why you're attracted to older married men. They take charge of things, and they are unavailable for serious relationships, so it focuses more on the sex that you wanted and less on the emotions you didn't know how to deal with.

 

If you really don't want to talk to a therapist because of your past issues, you might want to explore some self-help books. Again, your first priority should be to find out what a healthy relationship LOOKS like, how people interact with each other, how emotions build slowly and how people handle them.

 

I agree with most of this most therapists I think would just think something was wrong with me that I was that young acting that way. I think maybe omitting a few things would help me be able to be more open about my past I don't have to get in to the rawest most uncomfortable topics concerning my past they hardly have much to do with the issues I got now. And I really don't want my issues with my last relationship to transfer over to anything current I have with my current gf