I really need mental I think

[inigele14u]

I've been struggling from trust issues with people in general. I'm very introverted and super vigilant of those that I choose to be in a relationship with. In my first relationship, my girlfriend cheated on me multiple times and played all kinds of mind tricks. I eventually broke up with her easily, not knowing the damage that had been done... In every relationship since then, I have had trust issues concerning cheating just off of suspicion. I go to sleep thinking about what my girlfriend may or may not be doing. It doesn't help that social media encourages this type of behavior through memes, etc. I'm really struggling with it - and I'm not sure if I have actual concern or it's just trauma from my first. I've brought it up to my current girlfriend in the past, she told me she understands and tolerates it for the most part. But she'll get sick of it eventually. Tonight she asked me to get an apartment with her three states over. I came up with a good plan to do it and of course told her I'd do it. But when I got home, all I could think about is that this is a trap... or how many friends she has there... or she'll cheat. She doesn't seem like that type of person at all. I don't know what to do here... She calls me and text me every night, she treats me like a man. I'm in the military and I do civilian law enforcement work. I'm not used to have these types of mental obstacles, I feel like I'm kind of losing it ya know?

Edited March 12, 2017 by inigele14u

[d0nnivain]

You can seek mental help but you need a particular therapist who is willing to accept cash & write down your name as John Doe so this doesn't get back to your employers. There is still such a stigma in your job. Plus heaven forbid there is a problem at work involving your discharge of a firearm you don't want a paper trail that says you shouldn't have been carrying in the 1st place.

 

 

Your line of work doesn't help your ability to trust. You see so much bad stuff.

 

 

You do need a new voice in your head. Your EX's cheating behavior is still coloring your thought process. Not everybody cheats. You need to remember that. Plus remind yourself that you are a good catch & you are entitled to fidelity. You can't stop somebody from cheating but that behavior is a character flaw in them not a deficiency in you. If an SO cheats you dump them. Period. No amount of I'm sorry's fixes this. Be true to yourself & your principles. The right partner will respect your integrity but you gotta stop thinking that every time the person is away from you, she's up to no good.

[TheBathWater]

Sounds like you're grappling with some relational trauma from your history. I don't know what your military experience was/is like, but more often than not I see trauma in vets too, even those who only did training and never saw any action.

 

If it's of any comfort, it does sound to me based on what you said that you don't have a lot to worry about with your current girlfriend. Of course it doesn't feel that way, but objectively speaking, you show all the signs of a loyal, dedicated, sincere girlfriend.

 

I do agree with you that it's confusing to try and figure out how much of what you feel comes from your past triggers versus how much comes from the current situation. I agree with the above poster that therapy is very useful in this way, although it can take months or even years to work through these issues. It's better than never addressing it at all and dealing with the long-term consequences of not doing so.

 

Good for you for being willing to come on here and try to improve your situation. And thank you for your service.

[inigele14u]

Thank you sir.

[inigele14u]

You can seek mental help but you need a particular therapist who is willing to accept cash & write down your name as John Doe so this doesn't get back to your employers. There is still such a stigma in your job. Plus heaven forbid there is a problem at work involving your discharge of a firearm you don't want a paper trail that says you shouldn't have been carrying in the 1st place.

 

 

Your line of work doesn't help your ability to trust. You see so much bad stuff.

 

 

You do need a new voice in your head. Your EX's cheating behavior is still coloring your thought process. Not everybody cheats. You need to remember that. Plus remind yourself that you are a good catch & you are entitled to fidelity. You can't stop somebody from cheating but that behavior is a character flaw in them not a deficiency in you. If an SO cheats you dump them. Period. No amount of I'm sorry's fixes this. Be true to yourself & your principles. The right partner will respect your integrity but you gotta stop thinking that every time the person is away from you, she's up to no good.

 

Thank you sir

[d0nnivain]

Thank you sir

 

 

I'm a woman.

[preraph]

You really should get into therapy about this and just try to get to the bottom of it. Chances are it goes even further back than one girlfriend cheater. Psychiatric care is privileged, best I can tell, unless the patient signs a release. I only know this from having had jobs getting legal medical records in the past. When I tried to get them with a subpoena, they still didn't turn them over. And some won't even talk to you even if you have a patient release.

 

Anyway, I wouldn't let this ruin my happiness because I think you could make some progress with it and enjoy your woman better!

[Space Ritual]

I've been struggling from trust issues with people in general. I'm very introverted and super vigilant of those that I choose to be in a relationship with. In my first relationship, my girlfriend cheated on me multiple times and played all kinds of mind tricks. I eventually broke up with her easily, not knowing the damage that had been done... In every relationship since then, I have had trust issues concerning cheating just off of suspicion. I go to sleep thinking about what my girlfriend may or may not be doing. It doesn't help that social media encourages this type of behavior through memes, etc. I'm really struggling with it - and I'm not sure if I have actual concern or it's just trauma from my first. I've brought it up to my current girlfriend in the past, she told me she understands and tolerates it for the most part. But she'll get sick of it eventually. Tonight she asked me to get an apartment with her three states over. I came up with a good plan to do it and of course told her I'd do it. But when I got home, all I could think about is that this is a trap... or how many friends she has there... or she'll cheat. She doesn't seem like that type of person at all. I don't know what to do here... She calls me and text me every night, she treats me like a man. I'm in the military and I do civilian law enforcement work. I'm not used to have these types of mental obstacles, I feel like I'm kind of losing it ya know?

 

 

I certainly understand your concern. I had infidelity color my entire life after it was visited upon me as well. That was 30 years ago. I became pretty hypervigilant in the subsequent years as to what I would tolerate in a relationship. For the most part they were short lived because I was more than happy to dump somebody at the drop of a hat if I even had an inkling that something was amiss. I most cases it turned out I was doing the bright thing by doing so, but not in every case

 

Being asked to move to a new place 3 states over and starting from scratch in a new location is a daunting task if you were doing without being in a relation ship. Doing it for the relationship must be terribly frightening to you.

 

As opposed to paying for a therapist who will tell you nothing more than fear of the unknown is holding you back, why don't you try the time honored practice of sitting alone for an evening and putting to paper the old" Pros and Cons" of making the move in separate columns, and revisiting them over a period of a few days and make your decision based off of that. I surely can;t hurt, and it would save you at the very minimum a copay for some out of the classroom therapist to tell you what I just did. lol

[Space Ritual]

I'm a woman.

 

Insert jingle for the Enjoli fragrance commercial of the Seventies....lol

 

Sorry Donnvain I couldn't resist, it's just how my mind works.... https://youtu.be/_UIktO4Pnlw