Newlywed discovered affair

[bitterburden]

I will try to make this brief. My husband and I have been married for 8 months now. Three months ago I found a folder on his laptop with nude pictures of girls he dated prior to me. Long story short between January and now I have discovered that my husband has been talking to his ex girlfriend our ENTIRE relationship. He has begged for and received nudes from her (while we were dating and engaged) and they were trying to meet up to have sex right before we got married. She got pregnant around the time my husband and I got married. The baby is not my husband’s, however, her getting pregnant bothered by husband and that slowed down the sick emotional relationship they have had for the last four and a half years. He swears they never actually had sex because their schedules always conflicted.

I found out just last week that he tried to have sex with her prior to our wedding. He says he came to his senses after we got married and stopped but the truth is they stopped because she got pregnant and that reality affected him more than anything.

Anyway, he has apologized profusely, cried, begged and pleaded, deleted his Instagram and Twitter accounts, and given me passwords to everything (ex. Facebook, gmail, all emails, phone ect). Yesterday he changed his phone number. We are in counseling and go once a week.

Anyway, I really really need advice. I just don’t feel like I can forgive him. This wasn’t a “mistake” he literally could not leave this girl alone and I’m struggling with the fact that he has lied about so many things during our relationship and that their relationship went on for so long. I don’t respect him anymore and there is NO trust. He has destroyed me emotionally and I have these periodic moments of sheer blinding rage where I HATE him. During those times, I have learned to leave the house because I get violent and I have NEVER been that way before. I don’t know who I am anymore. I can’t eat, or sleep and feel like an empty shell. I have only spoken to his grandmother about this so I feel like I have this dirty secret and feel so alone. Prior to this I trusted him completely and feel blindsided. I regret trusting him, regret marrying him, regret the day I first saw his lying stinking deceptive face.

 

Please those who were unable to forgive, how did you know it was time to move on? Those who were able to forgive, how were you able to forgive? Move on? How long did it take? I need advice, I am literally drowning in sadness, resentment, and regret.

[AnneP]

Married 8 months and no kids? Is this even worth working on? I would divorce.

[aliveagain]

He had an emotional affair that only because of schedules didn't turn physical, cheating is cheating and the pain is the same. He has been deceptive right from the beginning, you didn't have all the facts when you married him, if you did you probably wouldn't have married him. It will take you years to get to a point that you can accept his infidelity as bearable.

 

The question for you is why do you have to accept infidelity at the honeymoon stage of your marriage? You have no children so it will never be easier to get out of the relationship. Why do you have to compromise your moral standards for a lying, cheating deceptive man that tricked you into becoming his wife? Do you love him enough to spend years trying to fix this or is love enough to compensate your being in a relationship with someone who won't honour his promises to you? Eight months is nothing, how are you going to keep him faithful for the next 50 years? You can probably have the marriage annulled if you respect him as much as your last sentence in the first paragraph of your post. For me infidelity is a deal breaker period.

[dichotomy]

Something similar - well maybe not the same.

 

My wife kept a hidden relationship (EA) with a MM during our entire relationship and until shortly after we married. They had had a sexual relationship for 2-3 years before me (he was married she was not). There were feelings expressed on her side - and he repeatedly tried to get he back into sex (she did not - and had time alone with him). On a minor note - she also kept in "friends mode" with several other lovers and did not tell me - but this one MM was the main issue.

 

This is hard to say - really hard - but I stayed at the time because 1) I was in love and made a vow for better or for worse and this was my second marriage 2) I wanted a family and there was no time left for me to start over at my age - and a child was already involved (step) that I loved.

 

She went no contact, but it took a long long time for her to express much regret or to emotionally separate and understand her unhealthy connections to this man. Shortly after all this - she started having major fluctuations in sexual desire in our marriage. Its been a hard road for me dealing with both issues - and they compound each other making forgiveness difficult. We did therapy twice with two different therapists over the years.

So I will get the the easier question for you - why stay in your new marriage ? Whats the down side to just leaving ? Seems like you have a chance to start over ?

Edited March 12, 2017 by dichotomy

[BaileyB]

How do you know when it's time to move on?

 

The moment you find nude pictures of his ex girlfriend and learn that he was trying to have sex with her right before your wedding...

 

Darling, you have stayed with this man too long already...

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure there is anything to salvage here. I hate to be so harsh but he basically defrauded you in marriage. He is a fraud. You loved and made vows to a man you "thought" loved and made vows to you but the reality is he was hustling another woman the whole time. He was never all-in with you.

 

I am sorry,

 

Aliveagain is correct, the only reason they aren't hooking up regularly, or even together now, is scheduling issues and the birth of her child.

 

You have no minor children together so there really isn't any reason not to secure an attorney Monday morning, file for a quick divorce and move on with your life, putting this behind you.

 

Your anger, regret, sadness etc are all understandable but none of it is really going to help you at all. What will help you is seeing it fade over the horizon in your rear view mirror.

 

You were kind of the victim of fraud here and were sold a bad bill of goods.

 

Your STBX is not a good person and was not marriage material and is likely way beyond reform. The time, energy and heartache you would spend trying to turn this toad into a prince will likely all be wasted and all you'll have to show for it in the end is a very expensive and time consuming toad.

 

You can leave him along side the road and find a decent man in a lot less time and effort and money than it would trying to salvage this train wreck.

[deadsoul]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I think ultimately you know what's the right thing to do, sometimes the right choice is the hardest. I wish you luck and keep posting, as it does help a lot.

[Mr. Lucky]

What do we have to support he didn't sleep with her - his word?

 

When kids are involved, my advice is usually to try and work it out. But in your case, he'd see only my taillights...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

I stayed with my wayward husband. But we have been together 24 years, kids, established home, and his cheating happened years after we were married.

 

If I was 8 mos into marriage,no kids, and found out he'd been cheating with an ex OUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP ???

 

Gone. I had a hard enough time thinking a few years of my marriage was lie.....but the whole relationship. He made you seem like the other woman to his previous relationship instead of the primary one.

 

Get angry, stay angry, move on

[MIKEB1950]

somewhere close to my predicament, I found out before the wedding so close before i went ahead with the marriage; thinking and being persuaded that it was a simple making out affair nothing more than kissing.

 

How wrong - full on affair with work colleague older, married and with kids; I am still married but believe me i wished ...........

 

You have no children; you are young; you have a vast life in front of you ..... in front being the operative phrase, do not look back as your hubby seems to want to do; and for your own sake do not be taken in by his pleading and explanations. if you do the right thing now for you primarily it would be to kick him into touch, try for an annulment he entered into the marriage on falsehoods. If you do not get out now you will live a life of turmoil, questions and you will find out more and more that will eat your love for life itself.

 

number 1 is important here your so called husband deserves whatever you can do to punish him; let his family and associates know just what kind of person he is.

 

then kick your heels wait for Mr Right to come along and be happy knowing you escaped a bullet early. Good Luck

[somanymistakes]

This must be awful.

 

Unfortunately it seems like there's not much there to salvage - the foundation was rotten from the very beginning. He lied to you. You are right to be angry, and right to seek space from him so that anger doesn't escalate into violence. Don't let him weigh you down for the rest of your life, doubting yourself and trying to choke down your own feelings and pretend to be okay with it. Kick him out and let the pain go with him.

 

You said it yourself - he didn't make a "mistake". This is who he was from the beginning, someone who didn't trust or love you enough to tell you the truth.

 

You deserve better!

[Mr. Lucky]

How wrong - full on affair with work colleague older, married and with kids; I am still married but believe me i wished ...........

 

Given the advice you - and everyone else - has given the OP, why stay ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[understand50]

Please those who were unable to forgive, how did you know it was time to move on? Those who were able to forgive, how were you able to forgive? Move on? How long did it take? I need advice, I am literally drowning in sadness, resentment, and regret.

 

BItterburden,

 

I was able to forgive a ONS, by my Girlfriend, about a year and a half before our marriage. The thing that is a major difference, is that she confessed 4 days after it happened, and it only took that long, because we lived apart from each other. She wanted to tell be in person, and take what ever I needed to give her. Point is, she had the courage to confess, and be somewhat open about it. This allowed me to regain trust, and added to the fact we were young, allowed us to remain a couple. That was 40 plus years ago.

 

In your case, you found out, and the EA was very much alive, and only not a PA because of circumstance. I think you will find they were physical with each other, but if not, the damage has been done. You are young, the marriage not really started, and it is time to leave and divorce. Chalk it up to picking badly.

I can tell you, that even though we did reconcile, this has remained a "flaw" in our story and you will never forget what he did. It will come back as a warning and thought if another crisis happens. They will, and this will always be a hurt for you. The problem as I see it, is that you both have not had the time to build that relationship with love, understanding, and compassion you will need for the long haul. If you had children I would counsel you to try and work it out, but you do not, so I advise you end it now, and do not look back.

 

I wish you luck.....

[magnesium]

In time you will learn to forgive him. In fact, maybe you must forgive him.

 

But why should you forgive?

 

You forgive him because you care about yourself so much that you don't want to be affected by his terrible actions.

 

Forgiveness is saying, "I forgive you because I care about my peace of mind, not because what you did is OK. You are an awful excuse for a man, and I never want to see you again. You have no right to ever look at me again, you have no right to contact me again, and you lost the best thing in your life all because you are a sick excuse for a monster. But I forgive you because I'm going to move on in my life and be happy, WITHOUT YOU!"

 

Then, as others have mentioned, get rid of him permanently.

[Poppyolive]

This husband of yours does not care about you or respect you. It's deceitful and extremely selfish what this man, whom you love, has done. I would be so hurt. You deserve love, the type of love you give.

Also, this is his dirty secret. Not yours. Blast this one wide open. Talk to your loved ones. They will help you. Unfortunately this relationship has a faulty foundation built on lies, secrecy, distrust, disregard and disrespect. Don't fall for his tears. Where were those tears when he asked you to marry him?, when wedding planning?, when he saw you walking down the isle?, saying i do in front of your family and friends? No where. This man does not respect nor love you the way you deserve.

Get your divorce wheels in motion.

[Grapesofwrath]

At this early stage, you may be able to have the marriage annulled.

 

I agree that forgiving him, eventually, is in your best interest because it will move you closer to a state of indifference toward him. But you can forgive him, and also no longer be married to him.

 

He has shown you who he is. Pay attention and believe him the first time.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

No Kids = No Brainer. Divorce or annulment.

[merrmeade]

You want experience? I'll give you experience and tell you that it's not simply a question of whether you can forgive and begin again. You need to consider the possibility that he'll do it again. Maybe not this year but a marriage can last a long time with untold secrets.

 

I only found out 4 years ago that not only had my husband had an affair with my sister-in-law, but he'd had 3 others during the course our marriage. It took me about three years to start living again rather than go through each day in despair. In the beginning, my motive for reconciling was for him to witness my pain and so I could get the truth from him. Now, I am convinced that he wants my help in becoming a better man. But I want to tell you how he managed to live with himself BEFORE I found out. I have read things that he wrote and talked to him about each one and pieced together a profile that makes sense to me.

 

I know that he was always 'open' to attention from women that were into him and flirting that he convinced himself was somehow harmless. He never tried or knew the difference between acting like a married man (unavailable) and encouraging them or making advances. He portrays himself as the non-aggressor, but that to me is simply more self-delusion at best. When I have talked to him about it, I have seen someone who lived in a reality that adapted with the situation. He saw himself as a decent married man like everyone else and was able to go on because he buried the memory of his affairs - even took pride in the fact that he didn't "think about it." He'd convince himself that since they were over, that was all there was to it and was never bothered about the lying.

 

His writings show that, yes, he felt some shame and wanted out at some point, but then he would just move on without thinking he needed to do anything more. One woman got engaged later and her fiancé told him that she'd revealed their affair; he wanted my husband to know that he knew. Even seeing the character she showed in being transparent with her fiancé, he never considered doing so himself. He thought of himself as sort of an addict and damaged because it repeated, but that kind of talk is just an excuse to stay that way! I don't believe for one second that he acknowledged the depth of this damage until I and the family found out. He had to fact it then. Now, yes, he has changed a lot, and he won't repeat - partly because we are old, partly because I see everything, partly because he wants to be that man he was pretending to be.

_____________________

 

But you are young and must consider what you might have in store IF you can even forgive and work on your marriage with him. Just understand that the self-delusion is all-encompassing, all powerful and allows them to forgive themselves just fine - and move on. They think whatever they need to think in order to keep their self-image intact and to save themselves from public disgrace. Your husband probably says that he has learned his lesson and won't fall again, but if he does nothing to change behavior patterns and emotional vulnerabilities, he WILL fall again.

 

The very best thing you can do for him is for you to do what I think you know you must do. It's certainly what you must do to live with yourself. I think you know it's too hard to forgive or even to stop thinking about it. If he is exposed (as divorce usually does), his fall from respect and dignity might jar him into lasting change. Nothing else will begin to make him change and even that might not. I promise you.

 

And as for you, why should you put yourself through that? He's given you no good reason. You don't need to do all that work - and for what? You're young and can find someone else to cherish and protect you. You deserve better. Value yourself, your happiness and your ability to give love and become a better person with another whole person who adores you. He is broken and hid it from you. You are doing nothing wrong in letting him go. It's what I would have done if I'd known.

Edited March 13, 2017 by merrmeade

[Britt Gal]

It's only 8 months. Get out of that mess and find a man who actually really loves you. He is only begging, crying and giving you his passwords because he can't have her right now because she is pregnant.

 

Once she has that baby, they will be back at it again.

 

Run and find your true love. He is not worth you pain......