Long distance girlfriend wants to open the relationship

[jackson11]

I've posted on here before about how I was having a couple issues with communication with my girlfriend. if you have time, you can read about it here if it has an impact on what advice you give on this thread. Otherwise, long story short, i felt as though communication was very weak but it may have been a case of her just being super busy after moving etc. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/614252-gf-may-losing-interest-ldr-2.html

 

bit of background info that may be useful:

My girlfriend has always been open to the idea of swinging and trying out different things in a relationship

I'll be visiting her once a month for 4 days, and she comes up for 2 weeks twice a year and once for one week + Christmas holidays (where i live that's alteast 6 weeks)

Both very reasonable people

She's got a very high sex drive

We were together for about 5 months before she left for another city to do her university course (2 years long). Last night she called me about a month in and said," this is hard", to which i responded, "what is?", "long distance".

she also said that she "hated it". not because of me but just because of how I'm never around. I asked to call and asked her to explain whats going on, and she said that before she left, we spent all of our time together, it was the main reason we started going out. It just made sense. When we first started talking, it was just casual, then it became casual but exclusive, then full on relationship.

But now without me around, she finds herself feeling upset every now and then due to her lack of communication making her feel like a terrible girlfriend. she also said that shes sure it would build up resentment if we carried on like this. It wasn't working like clock work.

She then went a bit downhill from there. She said we had our whole lives a head of us and we didn't need to settle down already (were both 18). However, she says were perfect for each other. I'm not sure weather she said this just to strengthen her argument because im pretty certain that if things work out for the next two years, shed happily be with me.

Anyways, the point she was trying to get across was that she didn't want to be miserable for the next two years and have her life on hold while shes at uni. She goes out to parties every weekend as she lives in a building of flats so i suppose she often sees people hooking up and what not.

 

After a while, she said that she wanted to take it down a notch, back to how it used to be when we first started talking, the casual non exclusive stage. So i suggested if an open relationship was what she wanted. to which she seemed very excited and pleased to hear me say without me freaking out about it.

I was open to the idea because i knew how she needs physical attention but at the same time, i didn't really like the idea of other men on my women. I told her that obviously nothing was going to happen for a while as we've just arranged it, but she could start hooking up with guys in the future. We discussed boundaries about who she can hook up with and what not as well. I told her that I wasn't comfortable with her sleeping with other guys as the thought kind of wears me out. She seemed to agree with it but also seemed like she wanted to push for it at some stage in the future.

 

we discussed how we can't grow emotional attachment to anyone we hook up with and how it can only be one off in nature. It's a temporary solution while we're apart for 2 years.

 

We had rules for me too, but we both knew that I was much less likely to go out of my way to find a lady to hook up with as I dont really have that desire.

 

I suppose that the way we were going definitely wasn't working great and we needed a change of pace, weather changing our relationship to being open is the right move, I'm not sure. I'm definitely not opposed to the idea because i know how much she likes physical contact, and as long as she still loves me the same i dont really have an issue.

 

My question is, is me taking sex out of the equation going to be a problem, and could this whole thing blow up in my face? My argument was that I see her enough that it shouldn't really be an issue. also, am i just being made a fool by letting this happen? Could this change her love for me? I genuinely love her and i know she feels the same so i dont like to think of it like that, but i know that love blinds people so thats why I'm here for some outside advice.

 

**SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE REALLY GOOD FOR SOME ADVICE BY THE WAY**

[MsJayne]

I've never been in an open relationship but I've known couples who were. Note I say 'were', past tense.....because open relationships rarely work. I don't care how high someone's sex drive is, if she had genuine feelings for you she wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Protect yourself, and run.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, that is almost definitely going to blow up in your face.

 

You don't really want to open your relationship. It's obvious from the way you describe the situation. She, however, doesn't want to remain monogamous. You're both very young and likely don't have much dating experience, let alone the stability and maturity generally required for a successful open relationship. The only couple I know who's done so successfully has been together for several years, have a life together, and both were willing participants. You and your girlfriend don't have the same foundation.

 

I think you would be better to end this now, before you get your heart completely trampled on.

[Chris516]

Open relationships are a deadly disaster waiting to happen. Courtesy of an STD.

 

Don't tell me you take precautions. Because, Even if you do, the other person may not. Even if the other person does, the person they are swinging with in addition to you, may not. Too many potential variables for catching an STD.

[Jj66]

It's my belief that most long distance relationships are not actually monogamous. One side or both are cheating. Why not just be open about seeing other people?

 

This is why my LDR was also an open relationship.

 

Our stated policy was: don't ask, don't tell. Yes, there is a higher risk of STI, but it's still not very high if you use proper protection and are discriminating in who you sleep with. That relationship lasted just over a year until it became clear she wasn't moving near me. She lost her job and had no lease to deal with. It would have been the perfect time to come up. She decided not to. I decided the relationship had run its course, so I ended it.

[central]

IMO, LDRs that work and last are rare. I'm completely in favor of open LDRs, especially for people who have high sex drives. It's far better to agree to be open and honestly be able to scratch that itch, than lie and cheat (which is a huge temptation in LDRs).

 

 

Sure, you can have any rules you want, but the bottom line is that if either of you meet someone who is a better match, the odds are that you will choose them. After all, they are not only a better match, but they are PRESENT - which is a very positive inducement. So I suggest not having rules about who you can see, or how many times (if you both really agree to this, of course, then it's fine)/ DO employ a "don't ask, don't tell" policy so you don't dwell on what the other person is or may be doing - worry increases insecurity and undermines your relationship.

 

 

Now, if the two of you are a great match, then your relationship will survive the time apart and you will be all the happier when you are together. It will also survive being open in this case.

[DKT3]

Problem​really boils down to two things, the true willingness of both to actually have an open relationship and understanding that once you engage with someone on an intimate level you are kinda giving up with he ability to control your emotional connection.

 

Other factors is jealousy, open relationship sound good In theory but you honestly have no idea how it will impact the primary relationship.

 

I'm betting this blows up and goes horribly wrong....I would even go as far as saying your girlfriend has already crossed the line.

 

Experience says, let her go completely, maybe try again in a few years.

[oldshirt]

She's doing other guys, so why aren't you dating girls who live in the same proximity of you?

 

She simply didn't have the guts to pull the plug so she came up with this scheme to try to confuse you and keep you off balance and to watch you sing and dance to give her ego a boost.

 

This is nothing more than some gal doing other dudes but wanting to keep a chump on the hook to make her feel more secure.

 

Move on. There's nothing to see here. You're being played.

[justwhoiam]

is me taking sex out of the equation going to be a problem, and could this whole thing blow up in my face?

Yes, potentially, and likely.

 

am i just being made a fool by letting this happen?

Possibly.

 

Could this change her love for me?

Yes, definitely.

 

Besides the scenarios and risks described by other posters so far, I'd like to mention that - if you have multiple sexual partners at the same time - when you're having sex with her, she might want to be with someone else, close her eyes, and wish it were not you. Take it or leave it.