Where should we be by now?

[aliveagain]

You can't control him, get help for yourself, one of you has to be responsible as a parent. Don't beg, tell him what the two options are, get help or your out of his life. Doing nothing is absolutely the worst thing you can do because neither of you are fixing what's broken. How do you expect to survive this as a family, the rest of your life is a long time. If you won't do it for yourselves, do it for your children, they need every advantage they can get so they have a good life.

[Southern Sun]

Couple thoughts about IC and MC....When a WS pushes for them it can come off to the BS as you saying he/she is the one with the problem, or why wasn't that an option before you started having sex with someone else.

 

SS I'll be honest, I think there is a combination of you not doing enough to make him feel safe enough to give A ***** feeling that you are making your affair about him and him not being sure he wants to continue.

 

You are having a hard time facing the consequences of your affair, and not really understanding what your in for.

 

The drinking doesn't help, I'm not sure the best way to handle that, I'm sure if you communicate your issue he will feel attacked and likely blame your​ betrayal.

 

I once told my wife, you broke me now deal with it....Not health, but it's how I felt in that moment.

 

I have always been very careful to NOT make my affair about him.

 

With that said...considering the probable truth of the rest of your post...what in the hell can I do?

[DKT3]

I have always been very careful to NOT make my affair about him.

 

With that said...considering the probable truth of the rest of your post...what in the hell can I do?

 

Be consistent and honest. There are ways to defuse his anger, not being combative or defensive. I know the urge is to correct any misinformation about your affair and or behavior. It's easier to wait to correct them when he is in a calmer state.

 

Continue to work on you, if you're doing the right things he will take notice. Don't worry about why he stays or wants to stay, you want to save and improve the marriage so it's only important that he is there. Every day he is l, is an opportunity to move forward.

 

Stop looking for the end game, that can make it feel like swimming across the Atlantic, just wake up each morning and swim as far as you can. You can you stand on the beach thinking about how far it is you will never get in the water

[Southern Sun]

Be consistent and honest. There are ways to defuse his anger, not being combative or defensive. I know the urge is to correct any misinformation about your affair and or behavior. It's easier to wait to correct them when he is in a calmer state.

 

Continue to work on you, if you're doing the right things he will take notice. Don't worry about why he stays or wants to stay, you want to save and improve the marriage so it's only important that he is there. Every day he is l, is an opportunity to move forward.

 

Stop looking for the end game, that can make it feel like swimming across the Atlantic, just wake up each morning and swim as far as you can. You can you stand on the beach thinking about how far it is you will never get in the water

 

Good advice.

[Dub]

Read your past thread, you said you weren't attracted to your husband and loved the OM, even went back to the OM after your husband knew which shows that you had (or have) very little respect for your husband. What is the point in trying to fix this? You don't want to be the one who initiates divorce?

[aileD]

Read your past thread, you said you weren't attracted to your husband and loved the OM, even went back to the OM after your husband knew which shows that you had (or have) very little respect for your husband. What is the point in trying to fix this? You don't want to be the one who initiates divorce?

 

That was awfully judgmental. She seems to be working really hard to make this work.

 

**** happens in marriages. You fall in and out of love over the years many times. It's not all romance and roses the entire time like t is in movies, books and affairs. Some people deal with this by having affairs. Some leave and some realize they got caught up in a comparison between limerence and real love in marriage and want to learn how to get back to a place of deep love and peace in their marriage.

 

Marriage is a commitment that keeps you through the difficult times. You are trying and that's all you can do. Will it last? Who knows. Your husband is hurt and has to go through his own journey too. And it will take time.

 

But you do need to see an effort from him. You may have destroyed your marriage alone by having an affair but you cannot fix it alone.

 

His drinking is a problem that needs to be dealt with separately from the marriage and affair. You might not be the best one to approach him about this because it will be seen as you trying to distract from your destruction and put it on him. Is there anyone who may be able to talk to him?

 

What he doesn't realize yet, and is likely reluctant to go to therapy and realize--is that although the affair was totally YOUR fault.....he likely had an equal part in the marital issues that made the marriage bond vulernable to outsiders

[Zenstudent]

Please don't start the "let's blame the BS " game again - it's counterproductive to OP as well. It distracts from the original question and follow up questions; what can she actually DO herself?

 

Sincere, substantial and sustained change and empathy over time is the only thing that will have any positive effect with regards to saving the relationship.

[bigman1]

I gotta say that the prior post was not unfair at all. Go back and read Southern's posts. All of them. I just did. She has been all over the place. She's gone from claiming that she was manipulated into an affair and turned her back on a good marriage (earliest posts) to saying that she viewed her husband in a "desexualized" way (circa 2015) to saying she had better sex with her AP. (12/5/15).

 

Her marriage has gone from seemingly good to one with problems that existed for a long time. Her affair was miserable, yet she could not quit it. I mean, her story has been all over the place. At one point, she was not sure that she had it in her "physically" to work on their problems. (circa 2015)

 

I think that the most honest thing she has said, and that is not to say that she has been dishonest thus far, is that she destroyed them. Her husband was a victim of abuse. (circa 2015) He did not tell OM's BS, but maybe that changed. There is just a whole lot of unhealthy stuff.

 

I am not sure if they were always unhealthy together, unhealthy as things progressed, or what. It just seems that each of them had so much stuff. They stayed together, not because of love, but other stuff. More so, too much invested or invested too long. Not really clear on that.

 

I think that her and her husband just have too much individually to really make any progress. IF he's opposed to counseling despite his clear need for it, beyond the infidelity and including it, and she has so much on her plate that it may be a matter of them circling the drain. It is sad.

 

Sometimes folks just have to call it. Not because they are bad people, but because the situation is so far gone. Maybe doing that would enable them both to get some perspective. Together, I just don't see it...right now.

[GoldenR]

 

**** happens in marriages. You fall in and out of love over the years many times.

 

With your spouse? If that's what you mean, then maybe you have a different definition of "in love" than I do. I've been in love with my wife since day 1 and that will never change.

[deadsoul]

Hopefully he is not drinking and driving... especially with the kids in the car...

 

I'm worried for you SS. I'm also worried because I'm scared I might be in your exact shoes this time next year...

 

Thank you for posting your concerns and fears though. I think even though you are receiving some "harshness," I think as WW's, we need to vent too. And just because we are venting, it doesn't mean we think any less of BS's pain, and I definitely don't want sympathy either. But I'm broken. And I'm hurt. And I come here to talk about it as I'm trying to put myself back together again. Seeing you do the same reminds me that we are all flawed human beings. Some of us more flawed than others. But many of us flawed people want to be better and I see you as one of them. You've definitely helped me a lot in your responses in my thread. So thank you.

[BluesPower]

SS is being as honest as she can be I think.

 

When your in an affair, frankly your mind is just not there in the real world. She has gone through lots of changes.

 

I feel she is trying. I think she knows what she has done.

 

Is it just better to divorce, who know, that is for them to decide. The affair lasted a year, they are not ever past a year with the Recovery, he is numbing his pain, and being a drunk.

 

Maybe the marriage was over when she had the affair. But at least she knows it is not her husbands fault.

 

At least she is trying, which is more that I can say about my wife...

 

Let's try to be as positive as we can and give her the best possible advice...

[sam59]

I have always been very careful to NOT make my affair about him.

SS I have to disagree with this ! In your post history you have made it more than clear that sex with your AP was far superior to anytime with your BH.

 

How do you expect your BH to respond to this.

 

He can't win this battle !

 

You aren't happy and he isn't happy !

 

It is clear that there is simply no successful R possible here !

[road]

You gloss over the 2 D days.

Without knowing what happened makes it harder to advise.

 

 

First step is all the alcohol has to be out of the house.

Second is that recovery is a two to five year process.

Third many a BH erupt after their last D day and go into

an anger phase.

 

 

The anger phase starts about 6 months after D day and lasts

about six months.

 

Corrected: many a BH six months from their last D day go into

an anger phase that lasts six months.

[bigman1]

I was not suggesting that she was not trying, IF that is what you took from my last post. I simply think that from reading her posts (on her's and other's threads) it just seems that there is sooo much wrong.

 

I am sorry about your wife, and her lack of effort.

 

Still, sometimes the damage is done. It may be the affair, the after affects, lies, self-deceptions, personal flaws, combined mistakes, upbringing , personal baggage or other stuff or all combined. Still, in the end, sometimes trying is not enough.

 

Despite her words, I think SS is terribly broken. Unfortunately, her steps towards healing are also. I applaud anyone who cheats AND tries to repair the harm. While I don't think a cheater deserves to keep their marriage, I also don't think they are obliged to remain married even if the BS wants it.

 

I think that perhaps she needs to get really good help and that may help her fix her end. Her mindset, her issues, whatever. At that point, she can help him. Right now, despite her efforts, she is failing. Not in the same way that she failed by cheating, but failing nonetheless. Cheating was a character and personality issue, at a minimum. This is different.

 

To use an example, I watched this special on tv where this guy in Africa who had virtually no medical training took it upon himself to try to help out his village and the medical crisis they had. He helped some, but it was more a matter of luck and good fortune. He used the stethoscope on someone. I think he used it on their wrist or something that it was completely not designed to be used for. I appreciated the effort, but... Same with SS. Her BS needs a certain type of help and he's not getting it and she is unqualified herself to do any real good. Sadly, she also infected him with part of the disorder that he has. She is also "sick" and is not getting the help she needs.

 

Effort wins no points in this particular situation.

[Mrs. John Adams]

SS....We are 33 years in our reconciliation....and my husband STILL remembers every word I said....and it STILL hurts.

 

If your husband knows everything....then it will eat at him the rest of his life.

 

This 2-5 years figure that we see shared here all the time....does not mean that he will no longer trigger or hurt after that. Hurt lingers for a lifetime....and there certainly are marriages that have ended after the 2-5 year period.

 

You are just starting your journey...10 months is nothing.....

 

Infidelity is like a death....you killed your marriage as you know it. There are many steps in grieving....and there are no shortcuts.

 

You still have no idea the damage you have done....

 

Understand 50 recommended some wonderful books for you....read them...have him read them as well.

[road]

I gotta say that the prior post was not unfair at all. Go back and read Southern's posts. All of them. I just did. She has been all over the place. She's gone from claiming that she was manipulated into an affair and turned her back on a good marriage (earliest posts) to saying that she viewed her husband in a "desexualized" way (circa 2015) to saying she had better sex with her AP. (12/5/15).

 

Her marriage has gone from seemingly good to one with problems that existed for a long time. Her affair was miserable, yet she could not quit it. I mean, her story has been all over the place. At one point, she was not sure that she had it in her "physically" to work on their problems. (circa 2015)

 

I think that the most honest thing she has said, and that is not to say that she has been dishonest thus far, is that she destroyed them. Her husband was a victim of abuse. (circa 2015) He did not tell OM's BS, but maybe that changed. There is just a whole lot of unhealthy stuff.

 

I am not sure if they were always unhealthy together, unhealthy as things progressed, or what. It just seems that each of them had so much stuff. They stayed together, not because of love, but other stuff. More so, too much invested or invested too long. Not really clear on that.

 

I think that her and her husband just have too much individually to really make any progress. IF he's opposed to counseling despite his clear need for it, beyond the infidelity and including it, and she has so much on her plate that it may be a matter of them circling the drain. It is sad.

 

Sometimes folks just have to call it. Not because they are bad people, but because the situation is so far gone. Maybe doing that would enable them both to get some perspective. Together, I just don't see it...right now.

 

Typical WW rewrite marriage history to justify their affair.

Typical WW fog babble.

Such babble cannot have much stock put into it.

[road]

Southern, tell your BH that you understand his pain though that

if he wants to stay married to you he has to stop the angry

outbursts in front of the kids and stop daily medicating him self

with the alcohol.

 

 

For neither one will promote healing for him or her.

[Dub]

I was not attempting to come across as judgmental, but even what I said is judgmental it doesn't make it any less true. OP destroyed her marriage and has driven her husband into becoming an alcoholic, that is the truth. She talks about how she loves her AP and wasn't attracted to her husband and even in this very thread said she doesn't know why her husband wants to stay with her.

Again, I just don't see the point in reconciliation.

[wmacbride]

op,

 

I know you are in a rough place right now, and so is your husband. He's hurt ad angry, you sound confused, nervous and scared.

 

His drinking is not a good thing at all. I do hope he's able to put the bottle aside and start working through his pain.

 

I would ask you to keep one thing in mind. If his anger escalates and becomes abuse, please get out with your kids. I'm not saying that will happen, but if a situation becomes volatile, and if he's been drinking, he may lash out in ways you never thought he would.

[bigman1]

I don't think that she has been that high on her AP. That much, I will give her. She owned her feelings for him and she owned the fact that he was really an asshat. That is why I say that she is so broken. She went back to him despite knowing who he was and what he was about. He may have been better than her BH in the sack, but good sex and great relationships are two different things. Besides, she did not go back, from my reading, for the sex. It was a crappy "relationship" and she clung to it. THAT is broken, to me.

[Southern Sun]

All of my thoughts are laid out here for others to read. Maybe my situation is a bit unique in that I have been on LS through part of my affair and then after it. You guys have it all. It's been a pretty crazy few years. I have been very honest here, painfully so at times, and have opened myself to a lot of criticism in doing so. My thoughts and feelings have also evolved over time, which I have to think is normal in a situation such as this.

 

Yes, I fell for the AP initially; and yes, the affair was also a toxic relationship (beyond the norm of a standard affair). I WAS manipulated within the relationship. I do not claim to have been forced into the affair; I made those choices. But if you took the relationship I had within the affair and put it in the real world, it would be called toxic, maybe even emotionally abusive. And if you know anything at all about those types of relationships, you would know they are often the hardest to end. I still called it love at times, because people do that too, even in those kinds of Rs. It’s very confusing. It feels like love, maybe even more than a normal relationship, because of all the heightened emotions. I think I made the mess of all messes by getting into a very toxic relationship in its own right, that never should have existed in the first place because IT WAS AN AFFAIR. I was completely isolated because I was doing something wrong. I felt I needed help to escape it, and yet, I couldn’t ask for help because I shouldn’t have been in the relationship. Please know that I take full ownership for going back, for all of it. But it deserves mentioning that there was a unique dynamic, more to it than a regular old affair.

 

I also became very confused about the state of my marriage during this time, as I think many women would. I no longer was sure of what I wanted. I don’t think any of this makes me dishonest. Maybe I have been “all over the place.” I’m not sure what you would expect when you’ve witnessed me in an affair, ending it, going back, ending it again, and now wrestling with reconciliation.

 

From what I’ve seen, experienced, and read, it is quite common for a woman in an affair to lose feelings for her husband, at least temporarily. It is very difficult to maintain feelings for both men; if she gives to one it takes from the other. I realize not everyone is like that, but I was, and many are. I’ve also been transparent here about the issues my husband and I have had with physical intimacy. It’s a difficult area for us, and it has been for many years…way before the affair. My BH avoided dealing with some issues for a very long time so we didn’t HAVE intimacy.

 

I don’t want to throw in the towel. I want to find a way to get this right. My husband and I have been together for more than two decades. There are wonderful things about our relationship and our history and what we have together. He is a very good man, honorable, kind, fun and funny, loving, a good partner and dad. We both have our faults. We have some major cracks in our M. I want it to work though. It’s hard for me to imagine that this is really the end of us? I mean, if that is the consequence…I would have to take it. But my H is not imposing that consequence. So, now what?

[Southern Sun]

SS....We are 33 years in our reconciliation....and my husband STILL remembers every word I said....and it STILL hurts.

 

If your husband knows everything....then it will eat at him the rest of his life.

 

This 2-5 years figure that we see shared here all the time....does not mean that he will no longer trigger or hurt after that. Hurt lingers for a lifetime....and there certainly are marriages that have ended after the 2-5 year period.

 

You are just starting your journey...10 months is nothing.....

 

Infidelity is like a death....you killed your marriage as you know it. There are many steps in grieving....and there are no shortcuts.

 

You still have no idea the damage you have done....

 

Understand 50 recommended some wonderful books for you....read them...have him read them as well.

 

Yes, my husband knows everything. He asked for the answers and I gave them...just like everyone here says to do. I have read all the books that Understand50 recommended. And then some. My husband will not read them.

[Southern Sun]

I don't think that she has been that high on her AP. That much, I will give her. She owned her feelings for him and she owned the fact that he was really an asshat. That is why I say that she is so broken. She went back to him despite knowing who he was and what he was about. He may have been better than her BH in the sack, but good sex and great relationships are two different things. Besides, she did not go back, from my reading, for the sex. It was a crappy "relationship" and she clung to it. THAT is broken, to me.

 

I did a lot of work in therapy to figure out what was going on inside me that lead me to him and made me feel so "attached." Until my H wanted me to quit therapy. But I think I have some understanding of it at least. I don't know how much stock to put in the psychobabble, but some of it seems to make sense.

[Southern Sun]

I was not attempting to come across as judgmental, but even what I said is judgmental it doesn't make it any less true. OP destroyed her marriage and has driven her husband into becoming an alcoholic, that is the truth. She talks about how she loves her AP and wasn't attracted to her husband and even in this very thread said she doesn't know why her husband wants to stay with her.

Again, I just don't see the point in reconciliation.

 

I think you should be careful about placing the blame on other people for a person's choice to drink. This is my BH's dysfunctional coping mechanism. I deeply regret that I've given him something he has to "cope with." But he does not have to drink. I am not making him.

 

He is on his 4th one since getting home from work. We've had a really nice day. I know that doesn't matter.

[Dub]

I think you should be careful about placing the blame on other people for a person's choice to drink. This is my BH's dysfunctional coping mechanism. I deeply regret that I've given him something he has to "cope with." But he does not have to drink. I am not making him.

 

He is on his 4th one since getting home from work. We've had a really nice day. I know that doesn't matter.

 

Technically speaking, you are the reason he drinks. Your mere presence may even cause him to drink. There are plenty of stories of BH's staying with cheating women and torturing themselves, and instead of leaving they pick up unhealthy habits to cope and ultimately destroy themselves. It seems your husband is following the same path.