Where should we be by now?

[BluesPower]

Don't worry about criticism, you know you get a mix by now.

 

One year after 2 D-Days is really nothing. You need to realize that.

 

The drinking is a real issue. Somehow you have to get through to him about this. If he is numbing his pain with drinking, he will get nowhere.

 

So, since you caused this, you are going to try and figure out a way to confront him about the drinking and figure out a way to get him to understand that this part, the drinking, in not working.

 

But if you actually love your husband, you will figure out a way, maybe some type of intervention, to get him to stop drinking.

 

He will have to get some counseling at some point. MC at this point, unless it is with a good counselor will make no difference. Sorry to say I have not seen one in my life yet, I am sure they exist. It seems that none of them the slightest idea how to treat a couple coming out if infidelity. They all want to talk about the "Issues in the marriage", when "THE ISSUE" is that you cheated on your husband.

 

But here is the other thing, you are the one that cheated, you actually caused these problems. And you do sound very impatient about your husbands progress with his healing.

 

I see that you have several issues going on at once, but you really can't judge how much you have hurt him and you have no right to judge his speed about his healing.

 

Right now, is sounds like you are being selfish, which is what got you her in the first place...

[merrmeade]

At some point, I believed that I really could die if I didn't find some way to pick myself up. I pulled out the old American Express card and went to therapy. It literally saved my life.

 

But your husband has to do it for himself, and something has to wake him up to the danger of giving in to his despair and hopelessness. Right now, he feels like what the hell if I drink myself to death. At least I don't feel the pain.

 

What if you start therapy? You can talk to the therapist about how to help him and maybe even get him to go with you a few times. Don't make it like it's expected but just to try it. In any case, it will help you.

[road]

You gloss over the 2 D days.

Without knowing what happened makes it harder to advise.

 

 

First step is all the alcohol has to be out of the house.

Second is that recovery is a two to five year process.

Third many a BH erupt after their last D day and go into

an anger phase.

 

 

The anger phase starts about 6 months after D day and lasts

about six months.

[merrmeade]

yeah, 2nd D-day is kind of a huge problem you barely acknowledge. If you don't understand how colossally devastating that was, then I don't see how anyone here could help you. Even if intellectually you try to understand, you're still in another reality from your husband's. A 2nd D-day means it's twice as hard to regain trust, twice as hard to feel hope, twice as hard to want to try. So why not drink?

 

I suggest - again - therapy for you. I don't know what he needs to see from you, but it's clear that he doesn't think he's going to see it. Maybe a therapist can help you find an avenue of communication again with him.

[merrmeade]

Well, gently but firmly, he IS, in fact, a victim. He has been victimized.

 

And there is no shame or anything inappropriate in working through the trauma associated with being the victim of a betrayal when you are, in fact, really a victim of betrayal. It is pretty unfair to invalidate his lived experience of this by, well, suggesting that he chooses to malinger in a "victim-like state."

 

Of course no one wants to feel bad. No one wants to stay traumatized.

 

But wanting to be over it and getting over it are two different things. It takes time. Often, professional help as well. And your help first and last.

 

LS doesn't focus as much on the BS experience as some other places. But here or in other places if you read long term stories from BS's you see many people report the same experiences.

 

1. Second year harder than the first... many report that the first year is shock. Only in the second year does it really sink in that tbis really happened, and can never be made not to have happened or be undone.

 

2. Antiversary stress. Many report increasing triggers and stress as the anniversary (s) of D Day approaches.

 

3. Obsessive attempts to reconstruct memory and meaning. Many BSes report an exhausting, never ending, obsessive need throughout the entire first year and beyond to reconstruct their life memories. A terrific article on this a while back in the NY Times:

 

Great Betrayals https://nyti.ms/1bx9OtR

 

4. Triggers. Constant reminders of the affair, or, of the fissure between what he thought life was and what it really was. These can nearly endless. Names of restaurants, hotels. Sound of a phone alert cnime. A name. And so much more. Anything that opens the rabbit hole to reliving and reprocessing the feeling of betrayal.

 

They say recovery takes 3 to 5 years, Southern, and that is with good care and a supportive spouse. And that year 2 is often harder than year 1.

 

I think you are on a good path and I hope for good things for you. But it is a long road. And... not one your husband had any choice about being sent on..

This is a sobering and wonderful post. I was deeply struck by the article in the NY Times and would like to see a thread started about the need to recreate the past after infidelity.

 

I'd never read anyone so clear about the lack of understanding and support for the BS from others. It's the loneliest of worlds.

[gettingstronger]

Surprising right? I thought, surely in a year we'd be so much better. I didn't put much stock in the 3-5 year stat I'd read. We're 4 years out and it still surfaces- for both. What you're going through is perfectly normal. Crappy but normal.

[dichotomy]

The tone of your post makes you sound impatient for him to just get over it. You had 2 D-Days! 10 months.....is nothing. While the affair may be in your rearview mirror, it's in your husband's thoughts literally hundreds of times a day. He is still having trouble processing the fact that you did this to him. And while you're sleeping peacefully, he's lying awake, staring at the ceiling, consumed by dark thoughts. His healing is far from over.

 

But yes, the alcohol is making it worse. You need to reach out to someone that he'll listen to about it: a relative of his, a good friend. Have them try to get through to him.

 

 

 

I can't speak for all men- but the mind movies go on and on and on - non stop for the first year or three.

 

 

To be blunt its like a form of PTSD - watching a porno in your head of your wife and OM. You smiling. moaning, excited, being more passionate, and doing the most intimate things ... its awful.

 

 

You two could be sitting in the living room reading a book or watching TV, or at a dinner stable - trying to have a meal and you think "well this is calm and normal moment for us" and he is watching you #%$^@ the OM.

 

 

Its so difficult.

[dichotomy]

The tone of your post makes you sound impatient for him to just get over it. You had 2 D-Days! 10 months.....is nothing. While the affair may be in your rearview mirror, it's in your husband's thoughts literally hundreds of times a day. He is still having trouble processing the fact that you did this to him. And while you're sleeping peacefully, he's lying awake, staring at the ceiling, consumed by dark thoughts. His healing is far from over.

 

But yes, the alcohol is making it worse. You need to reach out to someone that he'll listen to about it: a relative of his, a good friend. Have them try to get through to him.

 

Its like a form of PTSD - watching you and OM in his head all the time. You smiling. moaning, excited, being more passionate, and doing the most intimate things ... its awful.

 

You two could be sitting in the living room reading a book or watching TV, or at a dinner stable - trying to have a nice meal and you think to yourself .. "well this is calm and normal moment for us" ...and in his head he is actually watching the OM #$% in your #$%^&

 

Bad

[wmacbride]

op,

I can't sugarcoat it. It's going to take a long time for hm to come to terms with what has happened. It sounds to me like there is a lot going on in your situation.

 

- it sounds like he is not willing to accept that you had two affairs so he drinks so he can avoid it

 

- he's deeply hurt and deeply angry, probably far more than he wants to be. Again, if he drinks, can avoid facing this

 

-he doesn't trust you, again, out comes the alcohol

 

he's self medicating,and I suspect that's because it's easier to avoid his pain and anger that work through them.

 

I can understand his behavior, but it's not healthy and can even be dangerous. Is there any way that you could invite a family member or friend over whom you trust, or your priest/pastor ( and who knows what happened) and have them act as a neutral third party while you talk to your husband about your concerns and give him a chance to express his feelings as well?

For some bs, they feel stuck because they can't express their feelings. For them, writing them out can be helpful. Ask your husband to write a journal of his feelings for you to read, or write you a letter about them, etc. Sometimes, that can be really helpful.

 

About his seeming to be stuck, while I understand how that could be frustrating and worrying for you, think of it as a form of survival for him. He found out you had two affairs, and he's , if if he's not conscious that he's doing so, protecting himself. A the saying goes, once bitten, twice shy, and it may tale a long time for him to feel safe with you again.

 

I'm sorry, but that's how it goes. Mind you, if he ever lays a hand on you in anger, if he starts insulting you in front of your kids or if you are afraid, then don't stay. If it reaches that point, you are better off apart.

[Southern Sun]

The tone of your post makes you sound impatient for him to just get over it. You had 2 D-Days! 10 months.....is nothing. While the affair may be in your rearview mirror, it's in your husband's thoughts literally hundreds of times a day. He is still having trouble processing the fact that you did this to him. And while you're sleeping peacefully, he's lying awake, staring at the ceiling, consumed by dark thoughts. His healing is far from over.

 

But yes, the alcohol is making it worse. You need to reach out to someone that he'll listen to about it: a relative of his, a good friend. Have them try to get through to him.

 

Perhaps I am anxious for him to get better...maybe that is true. Because I am not seeing hope right now. This has been such a painful road for both of us, and I understand that I can't even grasp his level of pain. The crazy thing is, the affair itself was actually a somewhat misery-making relationship for me, in its own right. That may be weird for a BS to hear or understand. The man I was involved with had his own issues and that turned into quite an ordeal. I got myself into a real mess. So wasn't that some karma, I got involved into an affair that brought me misery, within just a few months, but felt quite incapable of leaving. I know logically I could get out, but due to the man's controlling nature, and how our affair evolved, I couldn't SEE my way out.

 

What I am more impatient about though, is to figure out how to stop this new spiral - the drinking, the yelling in the kids' earshot. Yes, that is bringing out some impatience. That feels scary.

 

Point being, I have been in my own kind of pain, too, and that started several years ago. It certainly does not trump my husband's pain. He has been betrayed by me, in the worst way and I brought mine on myself. But we have both been in a crisis mode for way too long. It feels like its almost an unbearable state of living. I mean that for both of us.

 

So if you think I'm sleeping peacefully while he is tossing and turning, you are dead wrong. I look like a different person than I did just a few years ago. I do try to grasp his suffering. I wish I could take it from him. Even more, I wish I could take it all back. My god, do I. I also suffer and no BS would want it. I get to live with the fact that I did this at all, with how he looks at me, knowing who I am, and that he will probably never shout from the rooftops or even post on stupid Facebook about what a great wife I am. I will NEVER have that reputation with him. He just won't look at me that way, maybe ever. And I DID THAT TO MYSELF and it makes me wonder if we will ever be okay.

 

I am not asking for your (collective) sympathy. I was simply hoping for some perspectives about what could be "normal" at this stage. I suppose there is no normal.

[DKT3]

Couple thoughts about IC and MC....When a WS pushes for them it can come off to the BS as you saying he/she is the one with the problem, or why wasn't that an option before you started having sex with someone else.

 

SS I'll be honest, I think there is a combination of you not doing enough to make him feel safe enough to give A ***** feeling that you are making your affair about him and him not being sure he wants to continue.

 

You are having a hard time facing the consequences of your affair, and not really understanding what your in for.

 

The drinking doesn't help, I'm not sure the best way to handle that, I'm sure if you communicate your issue he will feel attacked and likely blame your​ betrayal.

 

I once told my wife, you broke me now deal with it....Not health, but it's how I felt in that moment.

[DKT3]

I can't speak for all men- but the mind movies go on and on and on - non stop for the first year or three.

 

 

To be blunt its like a form of PTSD - watching a porno in your head of your wife and OM. You smiling. moaning, excited, being more passionate, and doing the most intimate things ... its awful.

 

 

You two could be sitting in the living room reading a book or watching TV, or at a dinner stable - trying to have a meal and you think "well this is calm and normal moment for us" and he is watching you #%$^@ the OM.

 

 

Its so difficult.

Yes they do, I could not get this image of her laying in his arms laughing at how stupid I was....Now she says it never happened but no way to really know that, and no way to just turn it off.

[understand50]

Southern Sun,

 

I think the main issue is that you have not figured out remorse. This is normal, it has taken some WS 30 yours to wholly "get" it.

 

You may have been told about this book, but I think this book will help you, and your husband. I included the free PDF link:

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_T...FINAL_pdf-.pdf

 

Remorse, is a huge thing. It has many different meaning to each of us. Here is a discussion that may help you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs.

 

Now, I do not claim my take is the best, but it is mine, and I think has a idea that may help.

"In the English language, Remorse means the following:

 

noun, deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction.

 

So from a strictly literal grammatical point of view, remorse, is just a handy way of stating that you have regret, shame, guilt and so fourth for your actions. I think for us here, a larger meaning is evident. We have had many give their personal meaning from Mrs J.A, to Merrmeade, Shattered Lady, and others. Each has a take, and "knows" what this means, but in relating gives a twist.

 

Here is what I think, Remorse, true remorse, in the context of infidelity, or any action(s) that you have done to grievously wound your spouse, child or other family members, is the ability to look beyond yourself, your well being, and your own interests and feel the pain and hurt caused by your actions, and in so doing, begin to try and make things right to restore trust in an relationship. It is allowing the injured person to select what they need to heal, from you, and for you to supply it to the best of your understanding and ability. At it core, you place their needs above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. You must lastly become an open book, and live mutually transparent with them.

 

Of course, there are limits. I would say, physical harm, or loss of human dignity should not be offered, or accepted, but the one who has trespassed, must be willing to put the other ahead of them in the relationship."

 

Again, to help both you and you husband, I suggest yo key in on this:

 

"It is allowing the injured person to select what they need to heal, from you, and for you to supply it to the best of your understanding and ability. At it core, you place their needs above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. You must lastly become an open book, and live mutually transparent with them."

 

By helping him, you help yourself. He, and you, are never going to forget what happened, but by helping him, heal you heal yourself. He has things that he needs to do as well. Here is a link.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

Reconciliation is a two way street, and hard work for both sides. There are good days and bad days, but on the whole the trick is to stay the course, and work towards, understanding, remorse and compassion. Compassion to him on what you inflected upon him, and compassion from him on what you are going through. It is a all or nothing thing. You cannot do reconciliation by half measures. You are also, not born with this skill, you must learn, adapt, and overcome, many times, over a lifetime. The rewards can be great, so keep looking and working for that better day.

 

I wish you luck.......

[DKT3]

Perhaps I am anxious for him to get better...maybe that is true. Because I am not seeing hope right now. This has been such a painful road for both of us, and I understand that I can't even grasp his level of pain. The crazy thing is, the affair itself was actually a somewhat misery-making relationship for me, in its own right. That may be weird for a BS to hear or understand. The man I was involved with had his own issues and that turned into quite an ordeal. I got myself into a real mess. So wasn't that some karma, I got involved into an affair that brought me misery, within just a few months, but felt quite incapable of leaving. I know logically I could get out, but due to the man's controlling nature, and how our affair evolved, I couldn't SEE my way out.

 

What I am more impatient about though, is to figure out how to stop this new spiral - the drinking, the yelling in the kids' earshot. Yes, that is bringing out some impatience. That feels scary.

 

Point being, I have been in my own kind of pain, too, and that started several years ago. It certainly does not trump my husband's pain. He has been betrayed by me, in the worst way and I brought mine on myself. But we have both been in a crisis mode for way too long. It feels like its almost an unbearable state of living. I mean that for both of us.

 

So if you think I'm sleeping peacefully while he is tossing and turning, you are dead wrong. I look like a different person than I did just a few years ago. I do try to grasp his suffering. I wish I could take it from him. Even more, I wish I could take it all back. My god, do I. I also suffer and no BS would want it. I get to live with the fact that I did this at all, with how he looks at me, knowing who I am, and that he will probably never shout from the rooftops or even post on stupid Facebook about what a great wife I am. I will NEVER have that reputation with him. He just won't look at me that way, maybe ever. And I DID THAT TO MYSELF and it makes me wonder if we will ever be okay.

 

I am not asking for your (collective) sympathy. I was simply hoping for some perspectives about what could be "normal" at this stage. I suppose there is no normal.

 

My wife talked about here, how my face would show so much joy as she watched me with the kids, she would say something to me and as I turned to her she said all the joy just drained from my face and I would like at her in a way that made her want to run away. I didn't realize I did that, I didn't realize my face showed so much disgust.

 

My point is, now I do see the girl I fell in love with at 17. I once had her on a pedestal, viewed her as perfect and had the expectation of her being perfect, unfair. Now I see a beautiful flawed woman, but I still love her, always did. Just needed time to process it all, needed her to make me feel safe and secure enough to be willing to let her close again. She would ask what she could do, I didn't know. But once she did it, it was clear as day. Yet it still took time.

[Southern Sun]

To what extent if any did any of these problems exist before the affair?

 

I assume you are referring to the drinking? He's always drank socially, but not to this extent. This morning as he was getting ready for work, I walked past his work bag and saw he had a flask in it. I was stunned. I don't know what time of day he's starting.

 

Are you saying it's only been 10 months since you come COMPLETELY clean?. That's only a drop in the bucket when it comes to affair recovery. It been said it takes 2- years, for some even longer.

 

If you really love him and want this marriage, your gonna have to be more patient. His drinking does need to be addressed, though.

 

10 months since I confessed and almost a year since last contact. Everyone here quotes this 2-5 years, which I'm inclined to believe it's at least 2. I read just yesterday that recovery took around 18 months. This was on one of those affair recovery coaching sites. I have a feeling we won't be in that category.

 

Don't worry about criticism, you know you get a mix by now.

 

One year after 2 D-Days is really nothing. You need to realize that.

 

The drinking is a real issue. Somehow you have to get through to him about this. If he is numbing his pain with drinking, he will get nowhere.

 

So, since you caused this, you are going to try and figure out a way to confront him about the drinking and figure out a way to get him to understand that this part, the drinking, in not working.

 

But if you actually love your husband, you will figure out a way, maybe some type of intervention, to get him to stop drinking.

 

He will have to get some counseling at some point. MC at this point, unless it is with a good counselor will make no difference. Sorry to say I have not seen one in my life yet, I am sure they exist. It seems that none of them the slightest idea how to treat a couple coming out if infidelity. They all want to talk about the "Issues in the marriage", when "THE ISSUE" is that you cheated on your husband.

 

But here is the other thing, you are the one that cheated, you actually caused these problems. And you do sound very impatient about your husbands progress with his healing.

 

I see that you have several issues going on at once, but you really can't judge how much you have hurt him and you have no right to judge his speed about his healing.

 

Right now, is sounds like you are being selfish, which is what got you her in the first place...

 

I don't know what I'm being anymore, Blues.

 

At some point, I believed that I really could die if I didn't find some way to pick myself up. I pulled out the old American Express card and went to therapy. It literally saved my life.

 

But your husband has to do it for himself, and something has to wake him up to the danger of giving in to his despair and hopelessness. Right now, he feels like what the hell if I drink myself to death. At least I don't feel the pain.

 

What if you start therapy? You can talk to the therapist about how to help him and maybe even get him to go with you a few times. Don't make it like it's expected but just to try it. In any case, it will help you.

 

He doesn't want me in therapy.

 

You gloss over the 2 D days.

Without knowing what happened makes it harder to advise.

 

 

First step is all the alcohol has to be out of the house.

Second is that recovery is a two to five year process.

Third many a BH erupt after their last D day and go into

an anger phase.

 

 

The anger phase starts about 6 months after D day and lasts

about six months.

 

He took a flask to work this morning, and I think now he's been doing that for some time. I've thought to myself on several occasions that he already smells like a drink when he gets home.

 

I did not intend to "gloss over" the two D-Days. I did so for brevity's sake, since the details are all over my history in this forum. I had a workplace affair for about a year. My husband had just a hunch and one day saw some web pages open with stuff I had looked up that made him even more suspicious. He confronted me; I confessed. I immediately left work and ended the affair and have been home for 2 and 1/2 years.

 

I became overwhelmingly depressed with the loss of my job and had a general aimlessness and lack of direction. I had some gratitude about getting out of that job...it had become a huge disaster with the affair and the dynamic of control. So it wasn't the job so much, but just the feeling that I lost "who I was", I was no longer able to use my skills or achieve much of anything. I felt I had no value (right or wrong). I was full-on depressed.

 

The former AP then came back and I was responsive to him...my BH nearly hated me, looked at me with total disdain and disgust. I felt worthless. The AP represented all the things I was missing (though I know it's all opposite now, believe me). I fell for it and went back.

 

I soon realized what a horrible mistake I had made. I was unable to pretend anymore about what I was doing and I felt disgusted with myself the entire time. I ended it and never looked back. And then I confessed.

 

yeah, 2nd D-day is kind of a huge problem you barely acknowledge. If you don't understand how colossally devastating that was, then I don't see how anyone here could help you. Even if intellectually you try to understand, you're still in another reality from your husband's. A 2nd D-day means it's twice as hard to regain trust, twice as hard to feel hope, twice as hard to want to try. So why not drink?

 

I suggest - again - therapy for you. I don't know what he needs to see from you, but it's clear that he doesn't think he's going to see it. Maybe a therapist can help you find an avenue of communication again with him.

 

I'm sorry, but yes, of course I am in a different reality from my husband. I am very much trying to understand. But I am in my position and he is in his position. How can it be otherwise?

 

I saw the absolute pain on his face when I came to him. I could have held this information back from him. He didn't know. But I couldn't do it. I didn't want to tell him; I was terrified. But I couldn't allow him to continue to build his life with me on this lie. It was so wrong, what I had done. I knew I needed to give him all the power. I am scared that all I have done is make him miserable.

 

Again, how can I go to therapy when my husband does not want me to go?

[BluesPower]

Yes that is what you have done, you have made him completely miserable.

 

Listen, I understand that you are hurting, really hurting badly. I understand.

 

But you have to get your head around the fact the your husband hurts worse. There is no way that he could not hurt worse than you do. It may not seem fair, but it is the truth.

 

You betrayed him twice in the worst possible way. SS I really don't think you even begin to understand what he is going through.

 

Honestly at this point, it might be better to get a divorce. I don't think you have it in you to do what has to be done. At this point he is a full blown alcoholic and I am not sure that he realizes it yet. You should though.

 

I get that this stuff is hard, and frankly I have been where your husband is. He is lost, and it is all the worse that you caused it.

 

But the drinking has to stop, and if he won't go to rehab you may have to end the marriage and deal with the consequences of what you have done and the you were unable to fix it.

 

Reality is that helping your spouse heal is hard work to start with. Him turning into an alcoholic, not allowing counseling for anyone at this point will make it impossible.

 

If you want your marriage to work, you must get tougher. He must go to rehab for drinking, and you two have to start some type of therapy.

 

Or, you have to get out...

[Southern Sun]

I can't speak for all men- but the mind movies go on and on and on - non stop for the first year or three.

 

 

To be blunt its like a form of PTSD - watching a porno in your head of your wife and OM. You smiling. moaning, excited, being more passionate, and doing the most intimate things ... its awful.

 

 

You two could be sitting in the living room reading a book or watching TV, or at a dinner stable - trying to have a meal and you think "well this is calm and normal moment for us" and he is watching you #%$^@ the OM.

 

 

Its so difficult.

 

I understand and it makes me terribly sad.

[JohnAdams]

I have not read all of your past threads. However, in glancing at them I see you have discussed a love for the OM, divorce, lack of chemistry and lack of attraction for your husband.

 

 

Even if you did not tell him you lack chemistry or attraction for him, he knows it. He certainly will not get over those type of insults in 10 months and probably not in 10 years. I am not even sure what you are trying to save at this point.

 

 

Although excess drinking is not good, I can see he is using it to self medicate and dull his thoughts. He is yelling and releasing a small part of the anger he feels inside. He will get through the anger phase, however the depression, and feelings of apathy may hang on for a long time.

 

 

There is much work required for your marriage to heal. Once he gets through the anger, he may be willing to seek IC or MC. I think the often quoted 2-5 years is when you reach a point that you can live with it, not that all of a sudden you are well and never think about it again.

[BaileyB]

I haven't lived through infidelity, so I don't have the wisdom of others in this discussion.

 

However, I'm not sure that your husband has the right to ask you not to go to counselling. I can appreciate that he is not ready and perhaps the idea of you attending or you both attending counselling is very threatening to him, but the fact that he refuses to go to counselling and he does not want you to go... it is like you have been diagnosed with a serious illness and he is telling you not to take the medicine. Or, perhaps a better analogy is that the ship is going down and he wants you to go down with the ship...

 

If you are attempting to reconcile, I would try very hard to do everything possible to help him heal, but I'm not sure that I would be able to do as your husband has requested and not attend IC.

 

And, I think you are very right to be concerned about his drinking and the anger he has been expressing in your home. You have a responsibility as a parent to provide a safe and healthy home for your children, and if he is not able to do that right now then you may have some very difficult decisions to make for your family.

 

Sadly, this is part of the reason why you would really benefit from individual counselling... I hope you get there.

[Southern Sun]

Yes that is what you have done, you have made him completely miserable.

 

Listen, I understand that you are hurting, really hurting badly. I understand.

 

But you have to get your head around the fact the your husband hurts worse. There is no way that he could not hurt worse than you do. It may not seem fair, but it is the truth.

 

You betrayed him twice in the worst possible way. SS I really don't think you even begin to understand what he is going through.

 

Honestly at this point, it might be better to get a divorce. I don't think you have it in you to do what has to be done. At this point he is a full blown alcoholic and I am not sure that he realizes it yet. You should though.

 

I get that this stuff is hard, and frankly I have been where your husband is. He is lost, and it is all the worse that you caused it.

 

But the drinking has to stop, and if he won't go to rehab you may have to end the marriage and deal with the consequences of what you have done and the you were unable to fix it.

 

Reality is that helping your spouse heal is hard work to start with. Him turning into an alcoholic, not allowing counseling for anyone at this point will make it impossible.

 

If you want your marriage to work, you must get tougher. He must go to rehab for drinking, and you two have to start some type of therapy.

 

Or, you have to get out...

 

I do understand his pain is worse. I do.

 

The raw, honest truth is that I have been depressed (literally, diagnosed), since everything came down. It probably would have been diagnosed in the middle of the affair had I gone to the doc. I was also having panic attacks.

 

I am on something for it, but don't know if it's really working.

 

So I think my depression is not helping my ability to do "all the heavy lifting." I do feel the clouds lift at times and my energy comes back, but then that same feeling returns.

 

I feel like a mess. I am not myself.

 

My BH is going to have a very hard time admitting that he needs any help for the alcohol. What he is doing feels mostly normal to him. Even though he agrees it is causing issues.

[aliveagain]

I think you really only have only a few choices you can make, get professional help for both of you because whatever you are doing isn't working, the second choice is finish off what your affairs started, end your marriage. It's obvious that neither of you can fix this on your own. You need to have a sit down face to face meeting with just your husband, somewhere public that doesn't serve alcohol, you need to discuss these two options.

 

If he looses his employment because he's drinking on the job, he will be just about unemployable. That goes on his record and will kill any chance of getting any positive future job reference. That will effect your lifestyle, his lifestyle, your children's chance at a comfortable and healthy shot at life as well as their future schooling. Your affairs have effected everyone around you that loved you, start getting serious about what you need to do to fix this before the choices are taken away from you. Someone in trauma can't be expected to make good choices. Get help.

[Southern Sun]

I have not read all of your past threads. However, in glancing at them I see you have discussed a love for the OM, divorce, lack of chemistry and lack of attraction for your husband.

 

 

Even if you did not tell him you lack chemistry or attraction for him, he knows it. He certainly will not get over those type of insults in 10 months and probably not in 10 years. I am not even sure what you are trying to save at this point.

 

 

Although excess drinking is not good, I can see he is using it to self medicate and dull his thoughts. He is yelling and releasing a small part of the anger he feels inside. He will get through the anger phase, however the depression, and feelings of apathy may hang on for a long time.

 

 

There is much work required for your marriage to heal. Once he gets through the anger, he may be willing to seek IC or MC. I think the often quoted 2-5 years is when you reach a point that you can live with it, not that all of a sudden you are well and never think about it again.

 

My husband knows EVERYTHING, at least the things I have felt at one time, and he still wants to save the marriage. I honestly sometimes wonder why.

[BluesPower]

I do understand his pain is worse. I do.

 

The raw, honest truth is that I have been depressed (literally, diagnosed), since everything came down. It probably would have been diagnosed in the middle of the affair had I gone to the doc. I was also having panic attacks.

 

I am on something for it, but don't know if it's really working.

 

So I think my depression is not helping my ability to do "all the heavy lifting." I do feel the clouds lift at times and my energy comes back, but then that same feeling returns.

 

I feel like a mess. I am not myself.

 

My BH is going to have a very hard time admitting that he needs any help for the alcohol. What he is doing feels mostly normal to him. Even though he agrees it is causing issues.

 

If you have been on them, the meds, for more than a month or 6 weeks and they are not helping. They are the wrong meds. They have to be changed. It is more of an art with these type of meds than a science. Believe it or not. You need to find a doc that really understands about these meds and prescribes a variety not a standard cocktail the he/she likes. You may need mood stabilizers as well, that is for the doc to decide.

 

But when you find one, you have to BE COMPLETELY HONEST ABOUT HOW YOU ARE FEELING. Sometimes we want to be "together" in front of the doc, and that is crazy.

 

If you cannot do the heavy lifting, no one else can. Sorry it is on you, so either get healthy and get to work or get out. It really is that simple.

 

I know intellectually that you understand that your husbands pain is worse. But even with that, honey you just cannot imagine what he has been going though, it will take years for you to understand. I know that sucks but it is the truth.

 

However, he has to quit drinking, he just has too. There is no way to process his emotions while he is drinking.

 

I stand by what I said, if he can't get help with the drinking, your marriage is toast. I am sorry. I know what he is doing and why, but it will not work.

 

There is no way that he can heal while drunk. As a practical matter, if his job is dangerous, he could get killed or have a wreck when drunk. He has to stop.

 

This may need to be your number one priority.

 

BTW, I looked back over your threads. Another thing you need to understand is that your affair was a BAD one. In love with the OM, NOT attracted to your husband, probably still not. Wow, that really is about a bad as it gets.

 

I do wish you luck...

[Southern Sun]

I think you really only have only a few choices you can make, get professional help for both of you because whatever you are doing isn't working, the second choice is finish off what your affairs started, end your marriage. It's obvious that neither of you can fix this on your own. You need to have a sit down face to face meeting with just your husband, somewhere public that doesn't serve alcohol, you need to discuss these two options.

 

If he looses his employment because he's drinking on the job, he will be just about unemployable. That goes on his record and will kill any chance of getting any positive future job reference. That will effect your lifestyle, his lifestyle, your children's chance at a comfortable and healthy shot at life as well as their future schooling. Your affairs have effected everyone around you that loved you, start getting serious about what you need to do to fix this before the choices are taken away from you. Someone in trauma can't be expected to make good choices. Get help.

 

I am begging him to allow help. He is a huge conflict avoider. He pretends there are no problems until - boom - the problem explodes.

[Southern Sun]

BTW, I looked back over your threads. Another thing you need to understand is that your affair was a BAD one. In love with the OM, NOT attracted to your husband, probably still not. Wow, that really is about a bad as it gets.

 

I do wish you luck...

 

I know. I have nearly killed us.