I think I married a narcissist Thoughts?

[betterapart]

Timeline

 

December 2006

We met at Texas Roadhouse while both working there as servers and started dating a few months later.

 

Summer 2008

We moved into our first apartment together. Shortly after we moved in together, He began to get pushy about our sex life. He would want to try new things that he had watched on porn. After I said no many times, he relented and said okay. It was apparent that he still wanted more.

 

At this time, He was still a student and I was paying a majority of the bills and keeping us a float by working multiple jobs. He started talking about spicing things up in the bedroom by bringing someone else in on the action. I said no and nothing more was said other than that I needed to be more adventurous in what he wanted.

 

January 21, 2009

We got engaged.

 

April 2009

We moved closer to his school. I was working two jobs at the time (sometimes three depending on if I could pick up hours waiting tables at local bars). He was working part-time at Apple and he then referred me to Apple. I worked with him so I could pick up hours if he needed to work on school work. I was covering my hours and a majority of his too along with working at Starbucks.

 

May 2010

We both moved back home to our respective parents’ houses for a few months to get caught up with finances.

 

Fall 2010

We moved back to Chicago. He began to become withdrawn and depressed because he was not able to either get promoted at Apple to full-time or use his degree. He then cheated on me with another woman in our bed while I was working late one night.

 

May 2011

He got a new job where he was full-time for the first time. We had to move to a bigger place due to the company wanting us to store things at home for them. He was now traveling a lot more and even overnight at times. I left Apple in June 2011 to nanny full-time.

 

Summer 2011

Several times (unknown to me) he had taken me out looking for other couples to hook up with but again I did not agree to this. I remember bits and pieces of one night (later the blanks were filled in by him). I must have had something put in my drink. Apparently we had sex in the same room as another couple that were also having sex. That happened once and I never let the night get to the point again stopping after one drink if I drank at all.

 

December 18, 2011

We were married.

 

January 2012

We found out we were expecting a son, my husband asked me if I could take care of things and get an abortion. I said no. We bought a house in Joliet in order to be closer to family. I was unable to find work other than babysitting form time to time. He was still working with Bose traveling all over with no promotion insight. He was very frustrated and hated living in the suburbs.

 

September 2012

Six days before our son was born I caught my husband in the act of cheating once again. Once our son was born, my husband did nothing to help. He just withdrew and didn’t want much to do with our son unless it was a holiday or special occasion. When our son was 10 weeks old, I started watching more children to bring in extra money as we were struggling to make ends meet. My husband was refereeing soccer from time to time when his job would allow. We barely saw each other.

 

Spring 2013

Without my knowledge, my husband signed me up for a dating site called “Sugarbabies". He wanted me to find a rich guy to help with bills. He Also wanted to watch me have sex with them. He set up three separate meetings with men where he would walk around or sit in the car and make sure I talked to these men. Nothing came of this because I told the men nothing would come of this as this was not something I wanted. They apologized for my husband acting the way he was and not taking care of me like he should. He also went online for himself to try and find a rich woman to have sex with so he could get her to pay for things he wanted that we couldn’t afford. I know he was talking to a few but not sure if anything other than talking came from that. I do know that there was a lot sexting though. I began finding more photos of his parts on the computer that was used as the main family computer. When I confronted him about it, he said it was just for fun. When our son was 15 months old, I started back to a full-time job in hopes to bring in more money. This just made it hard on Owen. He went from talking to not in a few months time.

 

Summer 2014

We moved back to Chicago after renting out our house and buying a condo. Our son was in need of early intervention for his speech. I called daily to try and get him help. I finally did get him help where he began receiving speech, occupational and developmental therapies weekly. My husband was still traveling a lot with Bose and started looking for yet another new job because he was not happy doing what he was doing. I changed jobs to be closer to home and started working at Ann Taylor on Michigan Ave. Then decided one of us needed a more regular hour job to be able to be there for our son so i switched in December 2014 to work a contractual office job that lasted until July 2015.

 

Spring 2015

I signed up to be a surrogate with an agency. Now that our son was done breastfeeding I met all the requirements. I had started researching this shortly after our son was born.

 

At some point in the summer of 2015

My husband cheated yet again. This time with a mutual friend of ours. ( I did not find out about this occurrence until marriage counseling in 2017)

 

July 2015

I lost my job due to the contract ending and not being able to find the next thing. Money was even tighter now than ever as we had two mortgages plus all our regular bills so we talked about selling both the house and the condo and renting again.

 

Late summer 2015

We were matched with a great couple for the surrogacy and entered into a contract between us and the intended parents of the baby that I would be carrying. We flew to the agency for final testing and paperwork.

 

Fall 2015

I started working from home for an online company making a bit of money while our son was at school.

 

November 2015

We sold the suburb house.

 

January 2016

We listed and sold the condo.

 

February 2016

We moved back to the suburbs to rent a house owned by my family to get back on track financially. Our son also started an early intervention preschool program incorporating speech, occupational, and developmental therapies.

 

Summer of 2016

The intended parents sent me a very generous gift ($5000) because they felt bad because there had been several delays with the surrogacy. This gift was used to payoff my husbands second student loan. We continued to pay things off by strictly following Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace program through the summer. With surrogacy money, were able to payoff nearly 19k in my husband's student loans in 2016.

 

August 2016

My husband and I flew once again to the agency for what would turn out to be the beginning of a successful journey. My husband at this time started talking to a woman about his resume or at least that is what he told me. I was on pelvic rest and very sick during the beginning of this pregnancy. He started texting all the time on his phone and would close himself in the office to make phone calls.

 

October 2016

My husband came to me to ask me if I would be okay if he continued to date a woman that he had been seeing since August even though just a month earlier he had denied seeing anyone. At this time he also asked if he could start having sex with her because he wanted to live a polynamorous lifestyle. I said no but he went anyway and then told me that he did have sex with her that night and wanted to see her at least two nights a week going forward. Again I said no but he just started disappearing. I did not have much time to deal with this as one of the intended fathers was coming in town just days later. All I could say to my husband was that I did not agree with what he was doing and that he needed to choose her or his family.

 

November 2016

I was still quite sick from what I thought was pregnancy but later would find out a lot of the sickness was from stress caused by my husband and this new lifestyle he was trying to force on me. My husband was working a lot of soccer games at this time along with long hours at work. He continued to sneak off with this new woman. My husband would yell whenever home making our son and I feel like we were walking on eggshells.

 

December 2016

A very hard busy month as both intended fathers were coming into town for about a week before Christmas. My husband now was wanting me to meet this woman so I would understand why he needed her and this polyamorous life. I was trying my hardest to understand what he was asking of me. I do know that he wanted eventually for us all to live together and me continue staying home with our son. Because I continually said no to this change in lifestyle he began to draw closer to the other woman and became increasingly angry when at home. He also wanted our to meet this woman and her two children.

 

January 2017

My husband brought this woman to our home after disappearing with her all afternoon to have sex with her again. When meeting her I was apparently very cold and rude telling them that they could no longer see each other because his family needed him all of him not just part of him. She got upset and left screaming and crying. I then signed us up for marriage counseling. He was still running off with her a lot and not giving our son and I the time of the day. Once we started counseling my husband stopped talking to me all together unless we were at counseling. He became even more aggressive with our son and me. He went on drinking more and more and leaving all the time to see this other woman and go to sex bondage clubs. His drinking has increased since August so much so that he was now up close to 3-7 drinks each night. My husband started yelling more and more at our son during bath time or just leaving him unattended. I would then have to step in and take over with our son. Our son has troubles switching from task to task so much so that you have to be extra patient during those times and help him more than other kids. With warning he does a bit better but never without small to large fits. My husband would yell at our son during those fits only making our son more upset. I have always been here to step in but with things getting worse and the stress is just too much to take while pregnant and trying to protect our son all at the same time.

 

February 2017

My husband continued to get more aggressive and meaner to the point that it was not safe to stay in the same house with him. During counseling My husband also admitted that he did not love me but was now in love with this new woman. That hurt a great deal as I had given so much of myself to him over the last 10 years. I tried to make his life easier and happier any way that I could. My husband threatened to take our son and all the money away and not return with either. I felt I had no choice but to file for divorce because he was not safe to be around anymore. And he was wanting to expose our son to that new lifestyle of his. Our son just needs love and patience.

 

February 3, 2017

My husband came home in the middle of the day to try and take our son without telling me where he was taking him and would not allow me to go with. I texted my mom about this. She then called the police who came and convinced him it would be best if it was all of us or none of us leaving. On Sunday we went to see his family like nothing was going on. Monday I talk to a lawyer about next steps.

 

February 8, 2017

I told my husband at our final counseling session that I had filed for divorce. Our son and I were from that day until the following Monday stayed at my parents because he was not of stable mind and I did not feel that it was safe for us.

 

February 10, 2017

I went to our house to talk to Mike alone. It resulted in my having to call the police when he twisted my arm nearly causing me to fall down the stairs as I reached for his phone.

 

February 11, 2017

While I was at my parents house, my husband and his dad went to our house and removed marital property as well as some of my personal property. Some of what he took also took away my ability to work online from home by taking the computer and all accessories that ran the house. He then after loading the cars came to my parents to tell our son he was going to take him to his parents house really soon so he never had to see mommy again. Our son cried about daddy taking him for about a week and still will not sleep alone weeks later.

 

February 14, 2017

I filed for an order of protection against my husband to protect our son and myself. Our son is doing much better without the stress and yelling from him. Our son is calmer and transitioning much better and even talking more.

 

March 2017

I still have not talked to my husband in a month and have our son 100% of the time. Hoping to a get a GAL appointed this week to help my son.

[somanymistakes]

Honestly why would it matter whether he was a narcissist or not? He's treated you terribly time and time again. At this point, does the reason actually make any difference? He's taken advantage of your kindness and tried to rope you into things you didn't consent to - he has more or less sexually assaulted you by setting you up for unwanted sexual situations, whether or not actual injury took place.

 

I don't want to play armchair psychologist here and try to figure out what's wrong with him, I am not qualified for that. The important thing is that you and your son get away and STAY away. Because this man clearly has no qualms about using you as often as he can get away with. If you let him, he will steal from you, he will try to make you star in twisted fantasies, etc.

[aileD]

He's not a narcissist, he's just a loser and you never put your foot down with him so he continued to push boundaries and walk all over you because he COULD.

 

You knew what type of man he was before you got married. You should have never married him. Bad decision.

 

When you tell him no to something like polyamory and he does it anyway then he doesn't give a **** about you or your marriage but then when you stay? He just keeps doing it and his disrespect for you gets worse

 

Be happy you're free now

[aileD]

youte still pregnant with surrogacy? Be happy you are safe and take care of that baby

[betterapart]

Yes I am 33 weeks and a few days pregnant with the surrogacy baby. I am happy to not have contact right now but know that can change at any of the court dates. I have another one this Thursday.

 

I did make the wrong decision to marry him but now that we have a child we have to be better for him and care for him. I have tried to support my husband in every way possible because I believe once married you should stay married and work on your problems. But this is too big for me to deal with now that it is effecting our son and hurting him. I am sad that things went this far this quickly but know the best thing for our son is not to see my husband until he gets help and can be a better dad to his son. One that loves him not hurt him.

 

I will not call my husband names but yes he has acted horrible towards myself and our son for a long time. He has had times where he was able to be in the moment and pull himself together in order to show he cared but those times only lasted a few hours a most.

 

I want so bad to feel like I did not fail here but that is how I feel... I failed to keep my family together because I said no one to many times and he did not change.

 

I talked to our counselor today and she said she hates to see marriages break but that in this case she was okay with it because my husband was never going to change because he didn't see anything wrong with how he was acting. All true but I went to see her wit him in order to talk through things but instead he withdrew from me and went to this new woman. The new woman make a good income but has many issues of her own that now he will have to deal with. Also I think that he is being paid for his services in some fashion.

 

Why do I feel like I failed my son?

[testmeasure]

What you have described is bad end objectives and goals. Narcissism is as much or more about bad tactics than bad objectives.

 

Narcissism is characterized by things like gaslighting, blame shifting, projection, and playing the victim. It can be hard to recognize these tactics. In fact, they are designed to make you feel the fault lies with you.

 

If your gut tells you Narcissism, I suggest you look into it and do some reading. There are also a lot of YouTube videos. If you're busy with the divorce, focus on that. I didn't even find the concept till well after my divorce. But when I did find it, everything clicked and I could finally make sense of everything.

 

What you describe also includes lack of concern for your feelings or values where they conflict with his. Narcissists lack empathy, which would be consistent with that.

[betterapart]

You are the second person today to tell me to look into that and yes all boxes are checked in that. I know that this is all what is best but also know that I have my doubts in myself because I have been pushed down for years. I have been changed in the last 10years and i'm not sure I like how alone I have become. I have glad i am seeing this before my son sees more of this action towards himself or me. I once was ready to tackle the world but after hearing over and over that I was nothing and could never be anything I started to believe just that until this last year where I started helping another couple become a family I began to see my self worth again. And that was what empowered me to protect myself and my son.

 

I have let my husband over and over beat me down but now I am ready to dig out of the hole that I was buried in and show my son a happier better life.

 

I am hoping to one day see enough in myself to finish school and be a better provider for my son than my husband ever was or could be.

[jjgitties]

I dont think your ex is a narcissist. I think he's ****ed up in the head. If everything you write is true and you didnt leave our important stuff (such as what was your role in all of this?) then your ex-husband has some serious issues differentiating between fantasy and reality. You don't try to force and trick your partner and/or spouse into living a polygamous relationship.

 

Open polygamous relationships are much much harder to pull off than regular two person relationships. The only way to do is if everyone is completely open and honest about their feelings and what they want. As we all know from regular two person relationships, its very hard to do that in a relationship.

 

Trying to pull it off my tricking someone into one is a sure recipe for disaster.

[Mrin]

I think I found your problem:

 

December 18, 2011

We were married.

 

I think your EX is just a horrible human being that gave you ample red flags all along the way. Get out. Move on.

[betterapart]

The only thing I can say about this and the part I "played" was I was not always available physically for him. Some of this was due to not feeling like I was worth it to him and the other was not trusting him enough to be that open with him after each time he stepped out or tried to "sell me off". I know that if I was available more that would not have made much of a difference as he "cheated on this other woman and she on him" while they were having a lot of sex. He is starting to think a bit more in reality but not to the extent that he should for our son to get all the attention and help he needs from us both.

 

Also I have since this was posted started talking to my husband more but he is still living at his parents and does not see any value in raising our son together but instead he would like to stay there and me to find full-time employment and care for our son and finish school all at the same time. My son is in 3 therapies a week and also in 1/2 day school therefor it is hard to find someone to get him everywhere he needs to be if I do go back to work at a traditional job. I am working on tax preparation schooling now and will be able to work next tax season.

 

Also my husband is putting rules on me that our son can not see my family just his. So I am feeling very alone since my family got wind of this and think that them backing off is best for now.

 

I think an open relationship would be really hard with a child in the mix. Because even a two person relationship was nearly impossible with him because he could not see that family should come first not self service.

[betterapart]

Getting out is easier said than done when you have a son together with special needs

[jjgitties]

I was not always available physically

I don't blame you. Who would feel like being there physically in a situation like that.

 

Also my husband is putting rules on me that our son can not see my family just his. So I am feeling very alone since my family got wind of this and think that them backing off is best for now.

It sounds like he is still a controlling and over bearing influence on your life. He is that way because you let him and he knows he can get away with it.

 

 

I think an open relationship would be really hard with a child in the mix. Because even a two person relationship was nearly impossible with him because he could not see that family should come first not self service.

I think a person like you husband might have a delusional idea of what an open relationship really is. In a true open relationship, you would have 10 times more dates and opportunities to go out while he gets to sit at home most of the time and watch TV and care for your son. Do you really think he would stand for that? I don't think so based on what you wrote about him. His idea of an open relationship is probably based on it being on his terms and conditions.