I'm a weak coward

[imsosad]

OP, I know you said the lack of attraction to your wife is rooted in physical appearance, but I want to suggest another angle.

If I understand the situation correctly, your wife pretty easily forgave 2 DDays. You get to play happy families, you get to have a sex life at home, you lost nothing. You are not afraid to lose her. you felt no consequence as a result of your cheating, so the thought about carrying on with your cake eating seems both feasible and appealing.

I guess all empathy related motivations are just not your thing.A true reconciliation, based on recognizing the hurt you've caused is not happening right now. You seem to deep in affair fog for that. You will only stop when forced to.

I would guess that if your wife packed your bags, consulted a divorce lawyer and handed you some papers that would show you how much money you're going to spend on a divorce, you will come to your senses.

If you thought you were going to lose her, she would suddenly become very desirable to you. Right now it just seems you don't value or respect her very much and because you know nothing will happen if you cheat again, you just can't find a good enough reason not to.

[AngryGromit]

I have gone to IC multiple times ...

 

pushed me in the direction of 'R'

 

... seek intimacy with my AP

 

If your texting someone I completely understand abbreviationing words to save on characters, but when posting why? Makes reading difficult and confusing. I assume IC = Individual counseling and R = Reconsideration, haven't a clue what AP is.

[Noideanow]

Havent read the replies but just thought that while you allow yourself the luxury of contemplating your imagined possibillities might not exist anymore*remenber its all in your head its what you do Now that matters:( i may Be wrong but it Seems your taking two People for granted.. Maybe anger is clouding My thinking but sleeping with two woman at the '"same time" is "disgusting":sick:

[aileD]

If your texting someone I completely understand abbreviationing words to save on characters, but when posting why? Makes reading difficult and confusing. I assume IC = Individual counseling and R = Reconsideration, haven't a clue what AP is.

 

R is reconciliation

 

AP is affair partner

 

Terminology found here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/water-cooler/228723-loveshack-terminology-guide-acronyms-forum-shorthand

[BTDT2012]

Tell your wife you still want your AP. Let her make the decision. Maybe she won't want to be with a greedy cake-eater.

[Grapesofwrath]

You have had DDays? Then I assume you are in some type of reconciliation with your wife, and it is a false one. Counseling works only if you want it to, and it seems that you are not interested in gaining true insight into yourself and how your actions affect others. If your wife is unwilling to leave you after your infidelity, then perhaps let your AP read this post and that might bring some changes.

 

Your statement that they each "serve a different purpose" in your life reveals a lot about who you are and how you value people. I'm not sure that it's the cake-eating that is the issue, but rather the total lack of empathy you have for important people in your life.

 

I support you ending both relationships and taking time to work on yourself and your capacity for empathy. I mean, the sense of entitlement here is epic.

[calmb4thestorm]

Unlike many here I understand your point. I don't think being in a relationship with someone we find unattractive is productive for anyone

 

Thank you. But is it too selfish to consider D where kids are now involved?

 

The problem is not with your wife or your mistress. The problem is your superficiality.

 

Yes, that could very well be it. Not proud of it. But acknowledging what I am. I think I have very strong narcissistic traits now.

 

I would guess that if your wife packed your bags, consulted a divorce lawyer and handed you some papers that would show you how much money you're going to spend on a divorce, you will come to your senses.

 

But isn't staying for money the wrong reason? Shouldn't the loss of assets, money, vehicles, houses, and so forth be the completely wrong reason to stay in a marriage? Staying just out of comfort and convenience? Or IS that a very legitimate reason and my desires are flawed? I'm lost.

 

If you thought you were going to lose her, she would suddenly become very desirable to you.

 

This is a HUGE issue for me...always wanting what I can't have.

 

When I'm at home, with my BS, I keep my phone close...waiting for that next text from my AP. Wondering about her. Desiring her. Then I think to myself, 'This isn't so bad at home. I can do this'. Maybe my BS is not the bombshell I wish I had married, but she's sensitive, sweet, caring, and always thinks about me. She's a great mom too. And although I don't get overly excited at the thought of intimacy with her, we still do that frequently. But then I begin to think about my AP again and I think why not take a chance at a life with her? It's her that I lust. It's her that I spend my days thinking about. Why not pursue her if that's what I desire?

 

Likewise, when I'm with my AP, I think about my BS. I think she really isn't such a bad woman. I've put her through hell and back and she still loves me. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. Maybe I should just continue with her and end things once and for all with AP.

 

I often think that I will be unhappy with either decision I make. It would be easier to just maintain status quo until my life crumbles apart, but I realize that's not a viable option. And I sink further into this hole. I am my own worst enemy.

[Red123]

Thank you. But is it too selfish to consider D where kids are now involved?

 

 

 

Yes, that could very well be it. Not proud of it. But acknowledging what I am. I think I have very strong narcissistic traits now.

 

 

 

But isn't staying for money the wrong reason? Shouldn't the loss of assets, money, vehicles, houses, and so forth be the completely wrong reason to stay in a marriage? Staying just out of comfort and convenience? Or IS that a very legitimate reason and my desires are flawed? I'm lost.

 

 

 

This is a HUGE issue for me...always wanting what I can't have.

 

When I'm at home, with my BS, I keep my phone close...waiting for that next text from my AP. Wondering about her. Desiring her. Then I think to myself, 'This isn't so bad at home. I can do this'. Maybe my BS is not the bombshell I wish I had married, but she's sensitive, sweet, caring, and always thinks about me. She's a great mom too. And although I don't get overly excited at the thought of intimacy with her, we still do that frequently. But then I begin to think about my AP again and I think why not take a chance at a life with her? It's her that I lust. It's her that I spend my days thinking about. Why not pursue her if that's what I desire?

 

Likewise, when I'm with my AP, I think about my BS. I think she really isn't such a bad woman. I've put her through hell and back and she still loves me. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. Maybe I should just continue with her and end things once and for all with AP.

 

I often think that I will be unhappy with either decision I make. It would be easier to just maintain status quo until my life crumbles apart, but I realize that's not a viable option. And I sink further into this hole. I am my own worst enemy.

 

You remind me of my WH. He has no self esteem and seems to be very into the attention and ego strokes from his AP. His first affair was with a very unattractive woman but he loved the attention and the fact that she was so into him. When day hit he ditched her like nothing. He had a second affair 2 years later with a more attractive woman who he seemed to have a very strong attraction to, unlike the first one. He went back and fourth with her once Dday hit and they expressed loving each other all the affair talk. Here's the thing, when I found out he had been talking to her again I immediately told him we are separating and stated I wanted a divorce. I then started staying a couple of days a week with friends and went out dancing with my girls. He completely turned around and is now begging me to give him a chance to prove himself. He cut the MOW off completely and she is heartbroken. The MOW and I look completely different but are both attractive, we have completely different body types, however my H has always been very attracted to my body type, and apparently is attracted to hers too. I think if you really can't stop thinking about the OW and believe the grass is greener then do it, it is so cruel to your wife to stay with her as a second choice. I would rather be left than misled. Also be careful, my H is kicking himself because he knows I loved him and was faithful, but never had a problem finding someone else, your wife might be near her line with you and there is probably a line of great guys waiting for you to be out of the picture.

[BaileyB]

This is a HUGE issue for me...always wanting what I can't have.

 

Maybe my BS is not the bombshell I wish I had married, but she's sensitive, sweet, caring, and always thinks about me. She's a great mom too. And although I don't get overly excited at the thought of intimacy with her, we still do that frequently. I think she really isn't such a bad woman. I've put her through hell and back and she still loves me. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. Maybe I should just continue with her and end things once and for all with AP.

 

Yes, that's definitely what most loving wives want to hear from their husbands... "she really isn't such a bad woman."

 

You are chasing rainbows, my friend. And, you will never find happiness until you decide what you really want and learn to appreciate what you have.

[FoundMyStrength]

I often think that I will be unhappy with either decision I make. It would be easier to just maintain status quo until my life crumbles apart, but I realize that's not a viable option. And I sink further into this hole. I am my own worst enemy.

 

This, and your entire post, is focused solely on you and your happiness. You are using both of these women as objects in a game to serve your needs. Of course you've been maintaining the status quo. You get to come home to a sweet, loving wife after having sex with a beautiful OW.

 

You do realize that this is making both your wife and your OW unhappy, right? That they are unhappy so that you can eat cake every day?

 

How about this? If you can't take the pressures of marital fidelity, get a divorce. This is what you signed up for. Marriage is not a game. Wives and OWs are not toys to play with. Get a divorce, and you can have all the women you want.

 

And don't worry about the kids. They'll probably grow up more well-adjusted in a household that's not scarred by arguments and emotional outbursts related to their dad's infidelity. Kids are smart. I certainly knew my dad was cheating. I overheard the tense discussions about it.

[viatori patuit]

Thank you. But is it too selfish to consider D where kids are now involved?

 

First, carrying on an affair while sleeping with your wife is extremely selfish. You are causing damage to everyone- your wife, your children and yourself.

 

When I did this, I stopped sleeping with my wife. I was ashamed that I was attracted to someone else and I was worried about stds. There is nothing redeeming in what you are doing.

 

I won't say you are a bad person as I do not know you. Your behavior is reprehensible though. You need to square this with your self, your wife and your kids immediately. Stop doing damage and start the healing process. While my divorce has been hellish I would not change it. I do not feel about me ex wife the way I would want to feel about a lifelong partner. I have suffered in the process and rightfully so. I was a scoundrel and I deserved everything I got.

 

Your biggest problem looks to be the fact that you will tire of this one too. Maybe you will not, but your desire to have your cake and eat it too doesn't bode well.

[aileD]

So. I've heard you say a million nice things about your wife. Reference my post above for some other quotes but here's the most recent:

 

 

When I'm at home, with my BS, I keep my phone close...waiting for that next text from my AP. Wondering about her. Desiring her. Then I think to myself, 'This isn't so bad at home. I can do this'. Maybe my BS is not the bombshell I wish I had married, but she's sensitive, sweet, caring, and always thinks about me. She's a great mom too. And although I don't get overly excited at the thought of intimacy with her, we still do that frequently. But then I begin to think about my AP again and I think why not take a chance at a life with her? It's her that I lust. It's her that I spend my days thinking about. Why not pursue her if that's what I desire?

 

Likewise, when I'm with my AP, I think about my BS. I think she really isn't such a bad woman. I've put her through hell and back and she still loves me. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. Maybe I should just continue with her and end things once and for all with AP.

 

So far all I've heard you say about your AP is that she's sexy, the sex is good, you lust her and she has crappy morals and values.

 

So "why not take a chance at life with AP" ? Sure you can but what are you going to do when she gets old or fat? When she doesn't want to have sex every 10 seconds because now you live together and she's tired and sees you all the time so there's no anticipation and you didn't load the dishwasher right.

 

Trade her in for a younger model? Ok let's do that . But wait. See the problem with that is someday....and probably someday soon....you're not going to be that young and spry anymore Your look so will wane. You won't be able to catch the bombshells anymore. Then what? You'll be alone in your old age, maybe even dying alone because all you cared about was looks and not substance.

 

You have a gold mine in your wife and you don't even appreciate it. She's a good person and she loves you, she forgave you, she wants you. If you can't see past her weight than let her go. Because you can't allow her to waste all that love and caring and forgiveness on you. Someone else will be so lucky to have her.

 

Do you love your kids? Care about them? Or are you narcissistic in that areas too? Because waiting for it all to blow up is knowing that you're going to severely damage your kids someday and not doing anything to prevent it. Divorce sucks for kids ....but not as bad as dad cheating on mom then getting a divorce (or not). Trust me on this one. You don't want to go through that.

 

Problem is you're too invested in how you feel today. Your dick isn't going to rule your life forever. Right now you're letting it but try to look ahead into your future.

Edited March 16, 2017 by aileD

[imsosad]

 

 

 

But isn't staying for money the wrong reason? Shouldn't the loss of assets, money, vehicles, houses, and so forth be the completely wrong reason to stay in a marriage? Staying just out of comfort and convenience? Or IS that a very legitimate reason and my desires are flawed? I'm lost.

 

 

 

This is a HUGE issue for me...always wanting what I can't have.

 

When I'm at home, with my BS, I keep my phone close...waiting for that next text from my AP. Wondering about her. Desiring her. Then I think to myself, 'This isn't so bad at home. I can do this'. Maybe my BS is not the bombshell I wish I had married, but she's sensitive, sweet, caring, and always thinks about me. She's a great mom too. And although I don't get overly excited at the thought of intimacy with her, we still do that frequently. But then I begin to think about my AP again and I think why not take a chance at a life with her? It's her that I lust. It's her that I spend my days thinking about. Why not pursue her if that's what I desire?

 

 

I wasn't really talking about money as a reason to stay or leave. I was trying to illustrate that right now it is very easy for you to carry on the affair because it has no cost to you.

If you face the risk of losing half of your financials, your house, time with your children, respect of family and friends and so forth, the balance of cake eating naturally shifts.

I think the more deep issue is the second one. You want what you can't have and, as an extension, you don't value what you do have.

Do you sort of disrespect your wife for forgiving you? Does her devotion to your marriage make you think less of her? Do you think she's kind of a pushover for staying? Do you feel she's not "worthy"?

I think that if she gave you hell' changed the locks, kicked you out and refused to even look at you, you'd be all over her.

If your AP took you in and you'd have her, but your wife would be out of your reach, you would be living with the AP and pining for your wife.

It is time to grow up. I hope you can see that you're viewing the two women in very similar, instrumental ways. You need each of them for something, but I don't sense a true emotional connection to either one.

Same old,same old- if you want to be happy, you have to be willing to work on yourself. Lots of internal dialogue, reflection, introspection. You have a lot of owing up to do.

Yes, it's a boring and expected answer but the only way around is through.

You're the problem, only you can fix you.

[calmb4thestorm]

So thus far, if I'm hearing correctly, most of you have either said stay with my wife and work on my marriage or get a divorce and be alone. No one has really said be with my AP.

 

Do you sort of disrespect your wife for forgiving you? Does her devotion to your marriage make you think less of her? Do you think she's kind of a pushover for staying? Do you feel she's not "worthy"?

I think that if she gave you hell' changed the locks, kicked you out and refused to even look at you, you'd be all over her.

 

I've never thought of it that way. Maybe somewhere deep inside me I do disrespect my wife for forgiving me so easily. Maybe I do think she's a doormat. I haven't really thought of it that way....

[Ahurtgirl]

I don't think anyone said to not be with your AP but you need to realize that your AP has been through a lot and your AP accepts you for who you really are. Your wife only accepts you as long as you live by her demands. Time is of an essence because this may all blow up in your face if you don't make a decision soon. Stick with your decision once you make it. Don't play with anyone's heart. So much emotion and love go into being sexual intimate with a man, especially when there is no marriage requiring you to have sex with a man. Your AP is giving you her love by her choosing and because she loves you with all her heart. Your wife only does so because of a piece of paper that states you are married and for the kids. Your wife doesn't love you in the way you need to be loved because if she did, you wouldn't desire your AP.

[Starswillshine]

I don't think anyone said to not be with your AP but you need to realize that your AP has been through a lot and your AP accepts you for who you really are. Your wife only accepts you as long as you live by her demands. Time is of an essence because this may all blow up in your face if you don't make a decision soon. Stick with your decision once you make it. Don't play with anyone's heart. So much emotion and love go into being sexual intimate with a man, especially when there is no marriage requiring you to have sex with a man. Your AP is giving you her love by her choosing and because she loves you with all her heart. Your wife only does so because of a piece of paper that states you are married and for the kids. Your wife doesn't love you in the way you need to be loved because if she did, you wouldn't desire your AP.

 

 

Did I seriously just read this? Oh, the delusions.

[amomwhoknows]

I don't think anyone said to not be with your AP but you need to realize that your AP has been through a lot and your AP accepts you for who you really are. Your wife only accepts you as long as you live by her demands. Time is of an essence because this may all blow up in your face if you don't make a decision soon. Stick with your decision once you make it. Don't play with anyone's heart. So much emotion and love go into being sexual intimate with a man, especially when there is no marriage requiring you to have sex with a man. Your AP is giving you her love by her choosing and because she loves you with all her heart. Your wife only does so because of a piece of paper that states you are married and for the kids. Your wife doesn't love you in the way you need to be loved because if she did, you wouldn't desire your AP.

 

This is nonsense.

 

You shouldn't jump from one relationship to another. The second relationship is almost guaranteed to fail.

 

Leave your wife and work on your issues. Only stay with your wife if you are committed to being a better person and addressing your issues.

[viatori patuit]

This is nonsense.

 

You shouldn't jump from one relationship to another. The second relationship is almost guaranteed to fail.

 

Leave your wife and work on your issues. Only stay with your wife if you are committed to being a better person and addressing your issues.

 

This doesn't seem logical. If he works on his issues with his wife, he could do the same with the other woman.

 

I think the bigger problem here is that he will fail no matter what. the way I read this, he will quickly end up in the same place. It takes a special kind of narcissist to carry on like this with two women for any extended period of time.

[somanymistakes]

So thus far, if I'm hearing correctly, most of you have either said stay with my wife and work on my marriage or get a divorce and be alone. No one has really said be with my AP.

 

Well, we know almost nothing about your AP except that you think she's hot, and that she's somehow inferior to your wife in a non-physical way (not quite sure how... you mention values? anyway, for whatever reason, you seem to think that emotionally or mentally or spiritually or something, she's not as good as your wife, but she's better in the sack.

 

So no, we're not likely to tell you to go be with your AP, even those of us who are other women ourselves. You don't seem to love her, so what does she have for us to recommend her? With your marriage, at least there's SOME reason why people would argue you should stick it out, for the sake of promises and the family you're supposed to be supporting, although if it's not working out leaving them and supporting them from afar may still be better.

 

I love a story of forbidden love as much as anybody, but you've done nothing to convince me that you have any serious motivation towards your AP. You only seem to find her exciting, not your denied soulmate or true companion.

[Jemima1234]

Thank you. But is it too selfish to consider D where kids are now involved?

 

 

 

Yes, that could very well be it. Not proud of it. But acknowledging what I am. I think I have very strong narcissistic traits now.

 

 

 

But isn't staying for money the wrong reason? Shouldn't the loss of assets, money, vehicles, houses, and so forth be the completely wrong reason to stay in a marriage? Staying just out of comfort and convenience? Or IS that a very legitimate reason and my desires are flawed? I'm lost.

 

 

 

This is a HUGE issue for me...always wanting what I can't have.

 

When I'm at home, with my BS, I keep my phone close...waiting for that next text from my AP. Wondering about her. Desiring her. Then I think to myself, 'This isn't so bad at home. I can do this'. Maybe my BS is not the bombshell I wish I had married, but she's sensitive, sweet, caring, and always thinks about me. She's a great mom too. And although I don't get overly excited at the thought of intimacy with her, we still do that frequently. But then I begin to think about my AP again and I think why not take a chance at a life with her? It's her that I lust. It's her that I spend my days thinking about. Why not pursue her if that's what I desire?

 

Likewise, when I'm with my AP, I think about my BS. I think she really isn't such a bad woman. I've put her through hell and back and she still loves me. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. Maybe I should just continue with her and end things once and for all with AP.

 

I often think that I will be unhappy with either decision I make. It would be easier to just maintain status quo until my life crumbles apart, but I realize that's not a viable option. And I sink further into this hole. I am my own worst enemy.

 

Can I ask you if your AP knows you are still having frequent intimacy with your wife?? What do you mean by frequent? And surely if that's happening then there is still a strong relationship with your wife

[aileD]

I don't think anyone said to not be with your AP but you need to realize that your AP has been through a lot and your AP accepts you for who you really are. Your wife only accepts you as long as you live by her demands. Time is of an essence because this may all blow up in your face if you don't make a decision soon. Stick with your decision once you make it. Don't play with anyone's heart. So much emotion and love go into being sexual intimate with a man, especially when there is no marriage requiring you to have sex with a man. Your AP is giving you her love by her choosing and because she loves you with all her heart. Your wife only does so because of a piece of paper that states you are married and for the kids. Your wife doesn't love you in the way you need to be loved because if she did, you wouldn't desire your AP.

 

This is complete bull****. No offense hurt girl.

 

There is no indication at all that his wife is staying for the kids or has any demands.

 

If the AP loved him with all her heart---she would do what's best for him and sacrifice herself out of his life so that he's not being immoral and feeling guilt which he clearly is.

 

I think it's kindy of brash for you to blame his affairs on his wife. Shall he bear no responsibility?

[Cymbeline]

It's a bit odd that you have been in this situation so long. You said last year if I recall, that you are educated and a professional. So what is it that you should have been taught earlier in life That you still haven't learned in counselling?

 

You seem to have little, or at best, limited cognisance of what life,love and marriage are about. Try reading some books about the subject. Erich Fromm, "The Art of Loving" may be downloaded to you ipad in seconds. The School of Life's books 'Relationships' and Sex' are thoughtful and very aware of difficulties and sympathetic to the dilemma you are in. They aren't preachy, but are philosophical in approach. You need to appreciate life in all its imperfections and the nature of untrammelled 'wanting' if you are not to end up with an awful lot of regrets later in life.

[Cymbeline]

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/mar/17/love-course-nyu-megan-poe

[ConInLA]

As someone who not to long ended an affair, I definitely understand where you are coming from. I understand the need to fulfill what you think are desires that you should be able to partake in. I understand not even thinking about your children or your spouse and about how your actions can wreck their entire world. You know what I would honestly say to you: GROW UP! It's unfair to hurt your children for a fantasy, because at the end of the day that is all your AP is. Think about it?! How well do you even know this person. I'm sure, not even that well. Also, do you really want to be someone as conniving as this woman. Someone who is willing to sleep with a married person, is definitely not a normal rationally thinking person and surely isn't someone that I would feel the need to break up my family for. This woman doesn't care about you and also doesn't even care about the wellbeing of your children. Do you understand that?! Clearly, your wife must love you to keep taking you back. That's love. I have broken up with men for much less then cheating. I think you need to ditch the AP. Yes, I know the sex is amazing and you can't stop thinking about her blah blah blah. I'm telling you, its all bu#%hit. You have to get out of the fog. The affair LITERALLY is a fog, clouding your judgement. Also, your AP is like a drug. You have to put some distance between you two and really think about what you may be giving up. It's not worth it.

[Lovetoo]

Coninla you sound a bit judgmental. I take it you've never been with a married/taken person. You don't know all the details of the situation. I'd also venture to say all of your relationships have been healthy and you've not understood co-dependency or anxious attachment.

 

If that's true, good for you. You win a medal. She may or may not have known this man was married. She many not be emotionally healthy. To call her these names is premature.

 

I do think the OP sounds selfish. He needs to make a decision. Figure what's important and feasible.

 

While I do believe people should work to stay sexy, it hurts to see a woman's appearance is at the root of this. We change over time. It's inevitable. Maybe there is another root and this is the scape.