boyfriend's girl best friend

[allyyy]

okay well my boyfriend has a best friend that is a girl. they grew up together and they dated for a little while, so of course they'll be close. he introduced me to his best friend and i love her to death, we're really good friends now too. but the thing is, sometimes i find myself doing really stupid things to be just like her. and yes, i get jealous of how close they are sometimes. when he first started going out with her it was unexpected and sometimes i worry taht he'll fall for her again. he's in california with her right now visiting her since their families are best friends, too

 

i guess i would have to say taht i really envy her because she's had everything i've wanted in life. i always wanted to grow up with a boy as a best friend, and she is completely gorgeous.

 

the only problem i have is that if i am on the phone with him and she calls, he'll automatically link her call so that we're all on the phone. but if i call during one of their conversations, he completely ignores my call. i don't like being jealous but sometimes i really cant help it because one night me & him were haivng problems and he was talking to me & her about it, but really, all i wanted was to talk to him about it since it was OUR problem. i had to get off the phone for a few minutes and he said to call him back so we can all talk. well i called back and he kept ignroing my call and i really needed him taht nigth since we had our problems. i waited up all night calling him and i figured hey maybe hes sleeping so i stopped. the next morning i called him up and i said "so what time did you sleep' and hes said "i didn't, i was up on the phone all night with her" and i said "oh okay.."

 

i'm not sure if i would call it jealousy, but more of envy. usually i dont mind the whole phone call thing, but when i look at pictures of them growing up, i get kind of upset for some reason. i keep trying to be like her and i don't like it when i do that.

 

i know i sound like a total bitch but i cant help it

[curious jane]

You don't sound like a bitch and you have every right to be a bit annoyed.

 

A realtionship is about 2 people (unlesss it is something different)

 

It sounds like you have been very understanding and patient of his friendship to this other women so far. A line has to be drawn, he should not cut her out - but he needs to be understanding of your needs and that it is the 2 of you not the 3 of you and if he cannot respect that and put the proper space btw you and his friend then he has some issues and is not being fair to you.

 

I think you need to be a little bit of a bitch here and a bit selfish. Let him know that you respect his friendship but you feel like you are in a 3some not a 2some.

[Love2share]

This situation is very tricky. If you act like a selfish b*tch to get the attention that you soooo deserve, you my lose him all together. He will have to chose which of you are more important to him. Unfortunately, it's not likely to be you when the other female has more love and history with him. Sorry! I've been there and done that.

 

On the other hand, if you continue to be patient and understanding as you have been, this behaviour between them will continue and could possible grow into the very relationship that you already fear. I never like these kind of situations. I think if two people of the opposite sex are truly "best friends," they should be mature enough to understand that BF's and GF's will be uncomfortable with the relationship.

 

I have a male friend whom I grew up with, and dated. He is like a brother to me, and always will be. Some of my BF's have been jealous of his relationship with me. But when that happens, I explain the situation to my male friend. And he does the same about his girlfriends. We have never caused problems in each others relationships. And we have minimal conversations about problems in relationships. For example, when he told me that he and his GF were having problems, I advised him to talk to her, not me. If I ever called him while he was on the phone with her or on a date with her, I cut the conversation short, told him to say "hello" to her for me, and I could talk to him later.

 

This is the way I expect it to be when I'm involved with a man who has a "female best friend." Instead, I've dealt with the same BS that you are dealing with. It's very hard. Honestly, I don't know what advice to give you. But I hope it helps for you to know that you are not crazy, insecure, or alone in your situation.

[Iluvsiamese]

I agree with the others. His relationship with his friend is out of balance and his behaviour is not showing you the importance of his relationship with you. Your gut feelings about this are right. He needs to adjust his behaviour as this will interfere with any serious relationship, whether it is with you now or someone in the future.

 

You don't say how long you have been together. I think that this would make a difference in whether you could suggest to him that he needs to one down his friendship. If your relationship has been going on for a year or more, then I think that you could probably tell him that you feel that his actions suggest that his friendship is more important to him than your relationship and that you aren't comfortable with it.

 

Good luck and let us know how things are going.

[lindya]

one night me & him were haivng problems and he was talking to me & her about it, but really, all i wanted was to talk to him about it since it was OUR problem. i had to get off the phone for a few minutes and he said to call him back so we can all talk. well i called back and he kept ignroing my call and i really needed him taht nigth since we had our problems. i waited up all night calling him and i figured hey maybe hes sleeping so i stopped. the next morning i called him up and i said "so what time did you sleep' and hes said "i didn't, i was up on the phone all night with her" and i said "oh okay.."

 

Based on what you've said, I doubt your relationship is ever going to work properly unless this girl stops having such a major input into it. I'd also worry that you'll feel in a no-win situation whereby you're either a mug (who allows her relationship to take second billing under this famous friendship) or a possessive bitch. I'll second curious jane's view that you certainly don't sound like a bitch. It does, however, sound as if you might be more than a little bit in awe of a) this girl, and b) your boyfriend's friendship with her.

 

We all need a bit of privacy and space in your romantic relationships, but many people seem insensitive to this, and will doggedly play gooseberry to a couple until one or both partners tell them that they need to back off. I appreciate that you like this girl and want to get on with her, but perhaps you need to be honest and ask yourself at what personal cost (to yourself) you and she have this amicable relationship. Is it a friendship of equals? Would you, for instance, feel able to discuss this situation with her and say in as friendly as possible a manner "look, I realise you and X have been friends for a long time, but that doesn't mean you should be involving yourself in any relationship problems he and I might be having. Those issues are our own private business."?

 

Would your boyfriend back you up on that? It doesn't sound as if he would, and it's maybe time for you to make a decision about whether it's good for you to remain in this situation indefinitely. Having the friend throwing her tuppence worth in during a 3-way telephone conversation is just silly, and to be honest it does make me wonder if your boyfriend is really mature enough to be in a steady relationship yet.

[Mr.pos]

Well I kind of had the same situation along time ago. My girlfriend was kinda wierd about it but This girl was my best friend And we were there for eachother alot. I was never with her so that might be the ame case with your boyfriend. You should talk to him though.

 

 

[Kengne]

Am I the only one here disturbed by the 3-way calls with the bestfriend all the damn time, ESP. when they were having a specific rel'ship problem/discussion???

 

 

I'm sorry.. but to me this is strange. Your problems are YOUR problems --> NOT YOURS and HERS. Talk abt being in ppls bizness..! I'm surprised she stayed on the phone, esp AFTER you had to come off the phone and kept calling him back! I wonder if she even urged him to come off the phone when you were calling back. Cuz if that was me with my best male pal... I would have soooo kicked him off the phone and told him to go sort things out with his girlfriend!!

 

In any case.. what's done is done. No pt crying over spilt milk.

 

What you CAN do now however, is let ur boyfriend know in a firm but gentle tone..exactly how you feel about his rel'ship w his bestfriend. Let him know that u understand they're close, they've been there thru thick and thin etc... yada yada yada... but then go into how her constant involvement in YOUR REL'SHIP is causing you to feel. Now don't be a biotch abt it! Just stay calm and try not to get emotional. The less he feels like he's being attacked, the more receptive he'll be to hearing and understanding what it is ur saying. And u DO want him to understand right? Because if he understands, and respects u and the rel'ship ... he'll change his actions accordingly.

 

Thats all i gotta say! Good luck... all 3 of ya

 

K.

[Uni]

What an a**h***, how could you put up with that? Do you really want to be with someone who has such a bond and love with another female like that? I couldn't do it. Especially how he ignores your calls when talking to her and lets her in on your conversations. Thats one of the most ridiculous things I've heard. Your such a sweetheart, please don't put up with this anymore. Find a guy that only wants to be with only you. If he has to have that kind of relationship with her then he doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend untill he is honest with himself and either tries to get back with her or moves on cuase it's just not normal to be that way with a member of the opposite sex unless there are underlying feelings. And it boils down to respect and how much he wants to be with you, if he keeps putting her first then he obviously would rather have her but for some reason can't. Stop hurting yourself by allowing this to continue, no one should live like that. I don't care how much I like or love a guy I will not put up with another woman hanging around on a regular basis (what's the point?) You can always find a guy who doesn't have a close girlfriend. I don't think any woman could live happily in a situation like that unless she is dishonest with herself. Look within yourself and figure out who you are and what you really want cause I doubt it's this. Dump him now and find a guy who wants to be with only one woman YOU!!!! Good Luck And your not the bitch, both of them are. Be true to yourself. Peace, Love, & Happiness, I'm out!

[my_manda]

I have to tell you this sounds odd......I am sorry, but he ignores your calls to talk to her? Once in awhile fine, but all the time...that is unacceptable. How does he respond when you are with him and she calls? If he leaves the room, acts funny, or anything like that, I would say BAIL!