Hating myself for dating preferences

[young_lost_soul]

Hi all,

 

trying here for the 1st time. I just hit a rough patch today.

 

I started theraphy 6 weeks ago. Had 6 sessions, liked my therapist, I talked and she listened...and today she told me the last thing I wanted to hear. I started therapy with the intention of understanding/looking more deeply into the reasons why I am (23/F) always, always attracted to much older men (33-43 yrs old). After a series of dates with men in this age range that were totally weird, I had another string of sexual relationships with married men of that age. It felt good and was an ego boost while we were still meeting, but once the relationships ended, I kept thinking how worthless I am that only some married douchebags are my only option that I can attract. And now again, I have a huge crush on my older boss at work - it's never just physical, it's emotional, too - I greatly admire him.

 

I went to therapy feeling that my dating preferences are unhealthy. Honestly, these are not the men for me. Most of them are married, and those that aren't are usually "damaged" in one way or another (what kind of guy is single until his 40s?!) I cannot form a normal relationship (never had one, for that matter). I think it's just unhealthy, but my therapist says I have to live with that attraction, because based on her observations, I am mentally and emotionally well ahead of my peers and I "deserve" a mature man if my need in the relationship are to be met. When I objected that I feel like I have nothing to offer to these men, so they wouldn't want me and wouldn't reciprocate, she disagreed, too, and gave her reasons for that.

 

But that in no way helps my problem! I HATE myself for liking older men and I came to therapy to get rid of this stupid attraction that's ruining all my (non-existent) love life...I talked for 6 session about why I think I am attracted to these men and she tells me this?! I am turning to you, because frankly, NOW I think I have run out of every coping mechanism. I cannot cure myself, the therapist cannot cure me. Any ideas? Any help?

Edited March 13, 2017 by young_lost_soul

[RecentChange]

Huh, it seems very odd that your therapist would be encouraging these sorts of totally unhealthy relationships.

 

There are good therapist our there, and there are bad ones as well, and others who just aren't a good match.

 

If this one isn't helping you with your problems, maybe it's not a good match.

[Simple Logic]

I am not a therapist, but I can give you some things to consider.

 

How do you picture your life sexually at age 55 being married to a man age 75?

 

How do you foresee the prospects of finding a new partner at 66 if your husband lives to a life expectancy of 86?

 

How would you feel about a husband who retired 20 years sooner than you?

 

How would feel about caring for a 90 year old man when you were 70?

[Simple Logic]

I am not a therapist, but I can give you some things to consider.

 

How do you picture your life sexually at age 55 being married to a man age 75?

 

How do you foresee the prospects of finding a new partner at 66 if your husband lives to a life expectancy of 86?

 

How would you feel about a husband who retired 20 years sooner than you?

 

How would feel about caring for a 90 year old man when you were 70?

[young_lost_soul]

I am not a therapist, but I can give you some things to consider.

 

How do you picture your life sexually at age 55 being married to a man age 75?

 

How do you foresee the prospects of finding a new partner at 66 if your husband lives to a life expectancy of 86?

 

How would you feel about a husband who retired 20 years sooner than you?

 

How would feel about caring for a 90 year old man when you were 70?

 

All valid considerations. I am well aware of what they mean. Except that they don't change what I feel towards older men RIGHT NOW. They are simply not strong enough reasons to deter my attraction at present.

[bluefeather]

Maybe your therapist is not a very good one... it's kind of a weird conclusion to come to. Or maybe she was giving you good advice and you really misunderstood it? I don't know, but what you said about her sounds off. Reading that you are attracted to much older and unavailable men made me think the therapist might ask about your relationship with your father or something... not encourage you to be ok with that kind of attraction, which you don't seem to be happy with.

[young_lost_soul]

Maybe your therapist is not a very good one... it's kind of a weird conclusion to come to. Or maybe she was giving you good advice and you really misunderstood it? I don't know, but what you said about her sounds off. Reading that you are attracted to much older and unavailable men made me think the therapist might ask about your relationship with your father or something... not encourage you to be ok with that kind of attraction, which you don't seem to be happy with.

But of course, she did ask about my father. And we came to no definite conculsion on that. I don't have daddy issues - quite the contrary. I have a really great relationship with my dad, much better than with my mother actually, and I am well aware that I am seeking his "replacement" and a replacement of the comfort (emotional/material) he has been providing to me. And? Where do we go from there? I don't know.

[RecentChange]

What did your therapist say about your pattern of perusing married men?

 

Have these older men treated you as an equal? Valued your intellect even more than your body? Treated you are a partner not a young girl?

 

What does your therapist say about you that is so mature that middle aged men are the most reasonable match?

 

Have you been on your own for a long time? Established yourself in your career and have a path going forward twords a stable "adult" life? You and older men have the same vision for the coming years and the future?

 

Are you at all in the same place in life as a 33-43 year old man?

 

These are some of the many things that are important in a relationship. Was this all addressed?

[RecentChange]

I am well aware that I am seeking his "replacement" and a replacement of the comfort (emotional/material) he has been providing to me. And? Where do we go from there? I don't know.

 

Perhaps being your own source of comfort and material stability?

 

I too have a very close relationship with my father. And just this weekend I was telling a friend how one of my "confessions" is that my husband is much like my father.

 

But NOT because he provides for me like a parent would. But because he has a similar temperament, and I can be the cool head to his hot head. He brings passion to my even keel.

 

Of course my father provided for me as a child. But I was expected to take on a lot of responsibility from a young age. I was never his "princess" but he installed in me that I am "capable". He also said to never depend on a man to take care of me - but rather gave me the tools to take care of myself.

 

Are you really seeking older men because you are so mature that a guy your age would have nothing in common. Or is it because you want to be taken care of (which isn't really a sign of maturity)?

[young_lost_soul]

What did your therapist say about your pattern of perusing married men?

 

Have these older men treated you as an equal? Valued your intellect even more than your body? Treated you are a partner not a young girl?

 

What does your therapist say about you that is so mature that middle aged men are the most reasonable match?

 

Have you been on your own for a long time? Established yourself in your career and have a path going forward twords a stable "adult" life? You and older men have the same vision for the coming years and the future?

 

Are you at all in the same place in life as a 33-43 year old man?

 

These are some of the many things that are important in a relationship. Was this all addressed?

We have just gotten to a more intense discussion about this pattern, so it's still open. But basically, she expressed the doubt that the hurt I've encountered after these relations were over is STILL not enough to deter me from thinking about doing it again. I am still "like a little child who sees a candy and wants it, no matter the stomachache afterwards".

 

It is hard to say that they treated me as an equal. I will never be equal to them in age, life experience, status, but my naturally submissive nature openly seeks that. I seek a reason to "look up" to them and admire them. During therapy, we found out that I view men (well, boys, to be precise) of my age as a strong competition and as not strong enough to support me emotionally. But generally, I felt valued equally for my body and my intellect. I am still in email contact with some of these men and we continue to have long, enriching conversations (for both sides, I believe).

 

She said that it's a combination of my independence from a young age, of what I've already been through (in terms of education, work and leadership experience, personal responsibilities, life planning, problem-solving and self-development). According to her observations, I am so ahead of my peers that she thinks that mature (not necessarily middle-aged, but she used the term mature) men are a suitable match. Or rather, she disagreed with my suggestion that I would have nothing to offer to these men, saying I would, based on these reasons.

 

In short, yes, yes, and yes. I wish I could have a child by 25. And feel ready and able and willing to provide.

 

No. And I will never be. It's not like I can do I giant leap and erase a 20 years difference in life experiences. Mind you, as I said, it doesn't necessarily bother me, because it does not preclude them from treating me as equally valuable as themselves and from respecting me.

[young_lost_soul]

Are you really seeking older men because you are so mature that a guy your age would have nothing in common. Or is it because you want to be taken care of (which isn't really a sign of maturity)?

 

Good question. I want to take care of someone who appreciates it and to be taken care of in return. Is that an unreasonable expectation?

 

It is true, though, that I am used to a certain financial standard in life and I might be afraid of losing it/living below it while I and some young boy wrestle through early 30s. Which is something I have to worry about less with older men who are both ambitious and accomplished in their careers (those that I've been with all were like that). But it's not simply financially motivated. Their accomplishments for me are a source of respect and a basis for admiration and a sign of him having enough strength to support me emotionally if I choose to let down my "strong, independent woman" guard and decide to be...weak.

[Simple Logic]

All valid considerations. I am well aware of what they mean. Except that they don't change what I feel towards older men RIGHT NOW. They are simply not strong enough reasons to deter my attraction at present.

 

Maybe a trip to a nursing home would help you. Just watch all the 60-70 year olds there Visiting their parents.

[Mysterio]

My dating preference is a woman that is close in age to me. 46 so I guess 33 to 56 would be okay. She has to be treating me well and vice versa. Lots of affection/interesting conversations and laughs. Thats it. Keeping her self fit and groomed as well and expecting the same with me.

[CptInsano]

I would focus far more on the fact that these men are unavailable than their age. What is it that the OP is trying to avoid? Does she really want to stay independent?

[stillafool]

I don't see anything wrong with you being attracted to older men but it seems your problem is you are attracted to married men. That is a recipe for disaster because you will always lose. Maybe you look and act older than your age. Find a single older man and be happy. You can't change what you are attracted to so stop wasting your money.

[GunslingerRoland]

Lots of women are attracted older men. I wouldn't necessarily call that a major issue. The issue is the fact that you are going for married men.

 

I also think that many might find it offensive that you consider anyone 40 who isn't married to be messed up. A lot of people end up single for a lot of different reasons. Read this forum for a bit for many examples of that.

 

Actually I guess it all seems to tie in together. You seem to place a really high value on men that are married (even when they are willing to cheat on their wives) and low value on men who aren't married. Rather than focusing on the age you are interested in, I'd try to focus on that.

 

While sometimes in general married men might be the better catches, there are lots of crappy partners who are married, and still lots of eligible single men.

[young_lost_soul]

You seem to place a really high value on men that are married (even when they are willing to cheat on their wives) and low value on men who aren't married. Rather than focusing on the age you are interested in, I'd try to focus on that.

 

There are several article on the web on this. It's "mate poaching" - when single women go after married men. This nicely sums it up:

 

"Is it because a man who is already taken is more experienced? Is he seen as able to commit? Is he more desirable because another woman has pre-screened him (while still single men are unknown commodities)? For some, the food on someone else’s plate always looks tastier. If someone else wants him, he must be worth wanting."

 

Too bad that there seems to be little advice on how to handle it. And I don't want to come across as a know-it-all to my therapist, recommending her articles on psychology?! I mean, she should be the one coming up with explanations and concepts, not me...I am paying her for that. I am thinking of writing her an email about this thing, with the article included, but...it just seems weird.

 

Anyway, I also don't really know how much of this choosing of married men is unconscious and how much is coincidence. I've had 2 such relationships and I chose to pursue them mainly because I wanted sex. I didn't have time to form stable relationships in the past, so this was a way of...getting at least some male company and attention and touch...

So I think it's hard to say if I really *prefer* married men to single ones, bcs I haven't pursued a single 40-yr old yet for other reasons, too. But then again, I am unbelievably attracted to my married, 40-yr old boss. I think it's because he's so attractive. But it also scares me how much I want to get into bed with him and no moral compass of mine kicks in to correct that. I think I've destroyed my moral compass, too.

Edited March 16, 2017 by young_lost_soul