Cheating or Not?

[inigele14u]

Long story short, I have been struggling mentally with trust issues ever since my first girlfriend cheated on me. Years later and I feel like I am still struggling to trust people in general. I sometimes go to sleep wondering if my current girlfriend is cheating. It was suggested that I do this by another community member. I'm going to list the possible reasons why I think she is untrustworthy, please review them and tell me what you think.

 

1. She has told me that she has had sexual contact with 9 men, and she lost her virginity at 18... she was 22 when she told me this.

 

2. She has been in a physically abusive relationship before me.

 

3. Just before a three day trip her, her friends, and I met up at a pizza place. Her ex boyfriend showed up when we were about to leave. She denied knowing that he'd come. She had met up with him in a hotel doing god knows what, two months before this. We were not dating though so I definitely let that slide. He sat next to her like he was still romantically engaged with her until I got up and left the table. That's when she called me on the phone and asked why I left and where I went.

 

4. She denied showing me her phone the first time, I wasn't going to check through it but the fact that she was so against showing it to me made me suspicious. A couple weeks passed and she showed it to me but supervised me - limited me to the things I saw while she operated the phone. I've only recently gotten full access to the phone, and that's because I told her what she did *jokingly* seemed suspicious. Could she have deleted text?

 

5. She has only one female friend, the rest are guys.

 

6. In her last relationship she told me that she used to go to the movies/out with one of her guy friends and didn't tell her boyfriend who he was or where she went out to.

 

7. She has grown up without a father figure, and her mother was verbally abusive.

 

8. She carefully thinks about any information she tells her friends and family. More so than a normal person would.

 

9. Her roommate is a guy for the time being. Although I haven't sensed any attraction, she lives quite some time away from me. It'd be hard to detect such things.

 

10. We live far apart.

 

11. She has a "it's not your business" type of attitude about certain things.

 

She's quite a loving girlfriend, but it's hard to dissect what is actual concern and what is not. Please share what you think.

Edited March 14, 2017 by inigele14u

[BluesPower]

Done deal.

[inigele14u]

6. In her last relationship she told me that she used to go to the movies/out with one of her guy friends and didn't tell her boyfriend who he was or where she went out to. She told me it was because he viewed her as "needy" and never gave her attention. Also that he would go out with other women. So I don't know what to think about that, it is very possible that she cheated with this guy. To add on, he is still her friend and they message every two days or so. She insist that he has never been nothing more than a friend.

[road]

Done deal.

 

Cart before the horse. He has not dumped her yet. And that part needs

to happen today.

[BluesPower]

Sorry Road...

 

I did forget that part. I will never understand kids these days...

 

OP, what Road said, yes she is cheating, dump her yesterday...

[inigele14u]

Sorry Road...

 

I did forget that part. I will never understand kids these days...

 

OP, what Road said, yes she is cheating, dump her yesterday...

 

Yes, but what have I said that has led you to believe that she is cheating? What are you reasonings? That's what I want to know please.

[Space Ritual]

Yes, but what have I said that has led you to believe that she is cheating? What are you reasonings? That's what I want to know please.

 

 

Young Man,

 

Something that many of us long time posters in this subforum have in common is that many, if not most of us that are here were victims of infidelity. While you may initially think that our replies may be biased, allow me to explain why some of us answer the way we do.

 

If you read around here, and in other forums enough you will notice that cheaters almost to the person, follow a pattern of deception we like to call "The Cheaters Handbook". More than one of the points you brought up about your GF are usually contained within the handbook, or script if you will.

 

 

Having pretty much an overwhelming majority of opposite sex "friends", guarding the phone like it is the Ark of the Covenant, the ex showing up unannounced at a place where they would have only shown up under EXTREME COINCIDENCE and not being forthcoming with people about whom they hung out with....

 

The aforementioned points are all contained in the script.

 

Look, you 2 live far apart, at this stage in a relationship she should have stars in her eyes at the thought of you. What you are getting is a lot of circumstantial evidence, that while taken individually, may not seem to amount to much. But taken in a cumulative fashion they would give anyone pause to continue the relationship.

 

What you have is basically a girl that by admission has been shady in the past. And past behavior is a very good predictor of future behavior.

 

You have the perfect out in that you can always claim physical distance is to blame for you seeing the relationship needing to end.

 

Life is far too short to feel you have to invest in someone who does not have the same level of investment in return. Do yourself a favor and release her to her destiny now before she does something that will damage your psyche even further.

 

Good Luck

[smackie9]

Despite what everyone says here, it's up to you to determine if this is grounds to terminate the relationship and why.

[BluesPower]

Thanks SR... if I had to write that again this week I was going to stick myself in the eye with a fork.

[d0nnivain]

Being promiscuous in college or at that age 18-22 is not a guarantee that the behavior will continue. Also having multiple partners does not mean cheating. It may mean serial monogamy or a desire to avoid commitment but it's not infidelity.

 

 

An abusive childhood & lack of a father figure also do not factor into this at all.

 

 

Being a private person is also not evidence of cheating. She has this "it's none of your business" attitude with lots of people -- her friends & family -- not just you. Not wanting to broadcast your every thought & every aspect of your life does not mean you are untrustworthy. It simply means you value privacy.

 

 

Now this EX-BF coming for pizza & acting like he's still the BF -- and that ALONE -- is grounds for further inquiry. Just before you met they were at a hotel. Like you said you have no grounds to say anything about what happened before you met but I would be uncomfortable with their continued closeness. EXs need to be gone from your life unless you share kids & even then you talk about the kids; you don't show up for pizza.

[BluesPower]

Being promiscuous in college or at that age 18-22 is not a guarantee that the behavior will continue. Also having multiple partners does not mean cheating. It may mean serial monogamy or a desire to avoid commitment but it's not infidelity.

 

An abusive childhood & lack of a father figure also do not factor into this at all.

 

Being a private person is also not evidence of cheating. She has this "it's none of your business" attitude with lots of people -- her friends & family -- not just you. Not wanting to broadcast your every thought & every aspect of your life does not mean you are untrustworthy. It simply means you value privacy.

 

Now this EX-BF coming for pizza & acting like he's still the BF -- and that ALONE -- is grounds for further inquiry. Just before you met they were at a hotel. Like you said you have no grounds to say anything about what happened before you met but I would be uncomfortable with their continued closeness. EXs need to be gone from your life unless you share kids & even then you talk about the kids; you don't show up for pizza.

 

Let's try not to give this kid any false hope, not that you are, but really we all know what she is doing. And at her age she likes doing it, it would be better if she was just honest, but a lot of kids this age love the drama...

[Space Ritual]

Thanks SR... if I had to write that again this week I was going to stick myself in the eye with a fork.

 

 

I was going to presently take a respite from this place like I do every few months but I think some of the new arrivals are inexplicably falling off the turnip truck. It boggles the mind what some people will put up with.

[BluesPower]

Honestly, until a few years ago neither did it for the most part.

 

It took some unexpected clarity in my life for me to wake of to some of this. Of course, some of it is just common sense...

[rushed]

1. She has told me that she has had sexual contact with 9 men, and she lost her virginity at 18... she was 22 when she told me this.

A person's prior number of sexual partners has no bearing on her current loyalty.

 

2. She has been in a physically abusive relationship before me.

This also has no bearing on her loyalty.

 

3. Just before a three day trip her, her friends, and I met up at a pizza place. Her ex boyfriend showed up when we were about to leave. She denied knowing that he'd come. She had met up with him in a hotel doing god knows what, two months before this. We were not dating though so I definitely let that slide. He sat next to her like he was still romantically engaged with her until I got up and left the table. That's when she called me on the phone and asked why I left and where I went.

Did he sit next to her and then put his arm around her? Hug her? Kiss her? How did she react? Or did he just sit down next to her doing nothing else?

 

4. She denied showing me her phone the first time, I wasn't going to check through it but the fact that she was so against showing it to me made me suspicious. A couple weeks passed and she showed it to me but supervised me - limited me to the things I saw while she operated the phone. I've only recently gotten full access to the phone, and that's because I told her what she did *jokingly* seemed suspicious. Could she have deleted text?

This I would say is suspicious.

 

 

5. She has only one female friend, the rest are guys.

Does she flirt with the guys? Are any of them her exes?

 

6. In her last relationship she told me that she used to go to the movies/out with one of her guy friends and didn't tell her boyfriend who he was or where she went out to.

Shady behavior. However, this is her past. Do you feel she is trustworthy now?

 

7. She has grown up without a father figure, and her mother was verbally abusive.

Irrelevant.

 

8. She carefully thinks about any information she tells her friends and family. More so than a normal person would.

I'm like that. I just don't like people knowing my business.

 

9. Her roommate is a guy for the time being. Although I haven't sensed any attraction, she lives quite some time away from me. It'd be hard to detect such things.

Have you met him? Have you seen how they act together?

 

10. We live far apart.

If she's going to cheat, it doesn't matter how far away you are.

 

11. She has a "it's not your business" type of attitude about certain things.

Same as #8.

 

She may or may not be cheating on you. It's hard to tell just by going from the above. However, I looked at your previous posts, and you either have a habit of choosing partners prone to cheating, or you are just very insecure. Regardless, I don't think this is a good relationship for you. One of the perks of being in a relationship is feeling that security. That seems to be missing from this relationship. It doesn't seem like she's trying to make you feel secure in the relationship despite her seeing your insecurities.

[inigele14u]

Thank you everyone.

[smackie9]

Best of luck.

[inigele14u]

I ended up going to a psychiatrist. That psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD from broken trust. She recommended me to go home and talk to my girlfriend about my assumptions. I did, we talked and squashed it. It is very evident that she is not cheating, and I have some personal things going on. She is proactive in planning her future with me, even volunteers to send me money when I tell her don't give anything. She really wants to be with me. I am ashamed of even accusing her, she's nothing like my exes who have cheated on me. Thank you for all of your support guys if a moderator can close this thread that would be appreciated.

[Cookiesandough]

Yep. Cheating.

 

 

And too many red flags to count

Edited March 19, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Poutrew]

I ended up going to a psychiatrist. That psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD from broken trust. She recommended me to go home and talk to my girlfriend about my assumptions. I did, we talked and squashed it. It is very evident that she is not cheating, and I have some personal things going on. She is proactive in planning her future with me, even volunteers to send me money when I tell her don't give anything. She really wants to be with me. I am ashamed of even accusing her, she's nothing like my exes who have cheated on me. Thank you for all of your support guys if a moderator can close this thread that would be appreciated.

 

This so totally sounds like both the girlfriend and the shrink were standing over this guy's shoulder watching him like a hawk as he was typing this...

[Space Ritual]

I ended up going to a psychiatrist. That psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD from broken trust. She recommended me to go home and talk to my girlfriend about my assumptions. I did, we talked and squashed it. It is very evident that she is not cheating, and I have some personal things going on. She is proactive in planning her future with me, even volunteers to send me money when I tell her don't give anything. She really wants to be with me. I am ashamed of even accusing her, she's nothing like my exes who have cheated on me. Thank you for all of your support guys if a moderator can close this thread that would be appreciated.

 

 

WHAT!!!? LMFAO!

 

PTSD from Broken Trust?

 

Yeah that'll settle this..WTF is that?

 

That's like every person who cheats supposedly does it according to Shrinks because they have a Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

Jesus kid you just got gaslighted by your Gf and you got sloughed off by a Shrink. I hope you didn't pay for that advice you got, because that is about the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

 

This just means she knows she can pull more stunts like this and you won't do anything about it.

 

If PTSD was caused by broken trust then every person on Earth would be walking around like Zombies because all of us have been stabbed n the back by someone before.

 

I'm sorry, OP, but you have just been sold a bill of goods by a dime a dozen Psych who has no experience dealing with infidelity issues. That diagnosis you received was proof positive of that.

 

Good Luck, you'll need it.

[inigele14u]

WHAT!!!? LMFAO!

 

PTSD from Broken Trust?

 

Yeah that'll settle this..WTF is that?

 

That's like every person who cheats supposedly does it according to Shrinks because they have a Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

Jesus kid you just got gaslighted by your Gf and you got sloughed off by a Shrink. I hope you didn't pay for that advice you got, because that is about the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

 

This just means she knows she can pull more stunts like this and you won't do anything about it.

 

If PTSD was caused by broken trust then every person on Earth would be walking around like Zombies because all of us have been stabbed n the back by someone before.

 

I'm sorry, OP, but you have just been sold a bill of goods by a dime a dozen Psych who has no experience dealing with infidelity issues. That diagnosis you received was proof positive of that.

 

Good Luck, you'll need it.

 

You don't know my life, you only know the information provided. Her ex popped up on his own accord, proven through phone records. He went on facebook and looked at her events, he didn't know anything about me. She had just gotten from Florida where another boyfriend of hers beat the crap out of her and she ended up losing everything even going to jail because of it. Her boyfriend before that boyfriend came to show support, not knowing I was already in her mind. Her friends that were at the table after I left also told me that she told him he had to leave, something I didn't know until recently. I have had personal things happen to me in my childhood, and my previous girlfriends before her triggered my PTSD according to my psychiatrist. I am also a law enforcement officer and I have seen war, so that adds to the fire. It is evident and very obvious from everything she has told me and everything I know about her that she isn't that type of person. I'd appreciate if a admin closes this thread as people who do not know the situation will keep pressing it.

[usa1ah]

I would say find someone you can actually spend time with.

 

About the ex showing up. She should have made it clear that she was with you. Women can do this with out causing a fuss. With her not saying or doing anything until after you were gone, well I guess she forgot you were around once the ex showed up. With it being an ex partner and not just a male friend is the problem. She should have made it clear to him that she was with you.

 

By her own actions she shows that this relationship is not as important or means the same to her as it does to you. Where you will be heart sick, it sounds like she will be fine if you two stop seeing each other.

[usa1ah]

We can only go by what you tell us.

 

These are still red flags.

 

Go a head and bury your head in the sand.

 

She should of told the ex to leave before you left. Real easy to change the game plan once she knew you left. Then to save face tell the ex in front of friends he had to leave. Oops you had already left. Get real, how long after you left the bar did it take her to find out where you went? 5 to 10 mins.

 

It's your life you live it. But when you ask advice don't get pissed because you don't like what you hear. All we try to do is help.

 

Good luck.

[inigele14u]

I would say find someone you can actually spend time with.

 

About the ex showing up. She should have made it clear that she was with you. Women can do this with out causing a fuss. With her not saying or doing anything until after you were gone, well I guess she forgot you were around once the ex showed up. With it being an ex partner and not just a male friend is the problem. She should have made it clear to him that she was with you.

 

By her own actions she shows that this relationship is not as important or means the same to her as it does to you. Where you will be heart sick, it sounds like she will be fine if you two stop seeing each other.

 

We weren't dating at that time so what are you saying?

[inigele14u]

We can only go by what you tell us.

 

These are still red flags.

 

Go a head and bury your head in the sand.

 

She should of told the ex to leave before you left. Real easy to change the game plan once she knew you left. Then to save face tell the ex in front of friends he had to leave. Oops you had already left. Get real, how long after you left the bar did it take her to find out where you went? 5 to 10 mins.

 

It's your life you live it. But when you ask advice don't get pissed because you don't like what you hear. All we try to do is help.

 

Good luck.

 

She asked where I was going as soon as I got up. 1 minute later she called me and asked where I went, then came to my car. >_>